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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think just don’t offer them beige food?

977 replies

Ashlll · 25/04/2025 15:23

Or am I spectacularly uneducated here? My sister has a 3 year old who apparently will only eat beige food and mostly crisps. She says it’s a sensory thing and we have to respect it when around him, for example when I took him and dd out last week I had to give him quavers rather than the snacks I had got for dd… which then made dd want quavers too! Same with water, he won’t drink it and it has to be juice.

I am not massively strict but did say to dsis just don’t buy these things then he won’t know he can ask for them… she says he just won’t eat or drink. I think this is ridiculous (I’ve not said this to her). AIBU?!?

OP posts:
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SilviaSnuffleBum · 25/04/2025 17:56

Try doing that to an Autistic kid who will starve herself if her 'beige food' is not on offer (my Twin 1)...
That's great that your child will eat whatever. God forbid you should have to open your mind to the possibility that NACALT...

samarrange · 25/04/2025 17:59

B0D · 25/04/2025 17:51

Quavers have salt and mono sodium glutamate and juice has sugars. Would your nephew like unsalted / sweetened beige food like plain popcorn that you could also give your daughter?

Salt and sugar are important for the body's electrolyte balance (check out what's in oral rehydration solution), and glutamate is an important amino acid that naturally makes up over 1% of some really nice hard cheeses.

(Everything in moderation, of course, but that phrase includes "everything" as well as "moderation".)

Cotonsugar · 25/04/2025 18:01

My nephew ended up having several teeth removed when he was four. He refused to drink water so was always given fruit juice which is full of natural sugar and rots baby teeth. He grew up on a diet of mainly pasta and very little fruit and veg. Now in his twenties and will eat a wide variety of food. Whenever I looked after him as a child he knew that I didn’t have any juice so would accept water.

MarzipanAndFrenchFancies · 25/04/2025 18:05

Fairyliz · 25/04/2025 16:01

Can anyone explain where Arfid came from?
I was a child in the 60’s and we all ate what we were given mainly because we were starving by meal times.
My DD with asd has always eaten a healthy diet because that is what she was offered.
So how/why have these conditions developed?

I think this is rubbish. I was a child of the 80s and had an older cousin who would only eat mince and pot noodles.

Op. I would just go along with it. Nor your child.

LovePeriodProperty · 25/04/2025 18:06

If all the kids been given is beige food then thats what they’ve got used to.
I wonder what they were weaned on ?

maybe when they go to nursery or school they’ll be more adventurous around others.

Missrainbows · 25/04/2025 18:10

My son is very fussy, although in a different way in that he will basically only eat fruit and will only eat anything dry like bread, wraps, cheese. He has a good diet but is tough as will only eat a few things. He will genuinely starve rather than eat something with even a bit of sauce. It's just how some kids are.

EggsAndBacon83 · 25/04/2025 18:12

Hubblebubble · 25/04/2025 15:32

I feel like if the beige is served alongside some whole foods, he might be tempted to give it a try

Do you feel that your sister might have already tried all the obvious stuff and she might not wish to explain herself to all and sundry?

BlondeMummyto1 · 25/04/2025 18:13

They get stuck in a vicious cycle of that’s all they’ll eat so she will keep giving them the same foods. I see it with family and count my lucky stars that mine was a good eater.

IHate · 25/04/2025 18:13

What I don’t get is why they’re offered the crappy food in the first place. He’s three. Why does he even know crisps exist?

The list of safe foods is whittled down from what they’re offered. If they hadn’t ever been offered beige, they wouldn’t cling to beige.

stayathomer · 25/04/2025 18:14

Op just be happy you don’t have to deal with it. I was a fussy child (apparently ate everything as a young child then aged seven/ eight decided things like fries/ burger and chips etc etc were all I wanted) and the judgement from all and all the people who assumed they could change me was horrendous. I ate fruit and cereal, dairy but dinner was a hellish time for me with my parents regularly letting me go hungry because all I wanted was eg tinned spaghetti/ burgers and chips/ sausages/ eggs and waffles/ beans on toast etc. Finally they began to allow me eat what I wanted and then randomly in my 20s I became less fussy.

But I will tell you it’s horrible listening to people (including kids) go on and make comments and laughable that people think ‘it would never happen in their house’- they’ve just been lucky! Also when I think of my dad, the most mild mannered lovely soul on earth my only issue ever was him rolling his eyes about me at a waiter and telling them I was ridiculously fussy and could I see the kids’ menu. I was gutted he seemed embarrassed by me. (Leave fussy eaters alone if nothing you’ve done has worked is my message!!!)

Octavia64 · 25/04/2025 18:17

I was a very fussy child.

it was because I had an undiagnosed lactose intolerance and lots of foods would make me vomit or give me diarrhoea.

i grew up in the 80s so my safe foods were plain rice, plain pasta, mashed potato and oven chips.

SatanicAngel · 25/04/2025 18:19

Does your DN have SEN? I had one of each. DD1 wouldn't eat most things until she was 7 or 8, she is Autistic. DD2 ate anything she could get her hands on. If I'd had dd2 first I would have struggled to understand a child who was very fussy.

BeakyFlinders · 25/04/2025 18:20

LovePeriodProperty · 25/04/2025 18:06

If all the kids been given is beige food then thats what they’ve got used to.
I wonder what they were weaned on ?

maybe when they go to nursery or school they’ll be more adventurous around others.

Mine was weaned on home cooked purées, home cooked food - we just didn’t salt our own food so he could have some - fruit, toast, eggs, all the normal things. He will try new things - he loves the taste of sushi and samosas for example - but usually it’s the texture that puts him off.

MonteStory · 25/04/2025 18:20

IHate · 25/04/2025 18:13

What I don’t get is why they’re offered the crappy food in the first place. He’s three. Why does he even know crisps exist?

The list of safe foods is whittled down from what they’re offered. If they hadn’t ever been offered beige, they wouldn’t cling to beige.

‘Crappy’ (basically processed) food is very consistent. For people who struggle with food, one bad experience will put them off that food for life.

In a punnet of blueberries you’ll get sour ones, sweet ones, hard ones, soft ones. In a bag of quavers they are quavers. Every single one tastes of quaver. And you can buy another bag, at any time of year, and they will be the same.

When a parent is tearing their hair out with a child who won’t eat sees them scarf down a bag of quavers, it’s probably quite tempting to go buy a lifetimes supply. They have to eat.

Picklepower · 25/04/2025 18:21

My DD seems to be getting fussier with each year. Most parents don't want a fight every day, it's traumatic for everyone. I was a fussy eater but as an adult I am fine and fairly adventurous

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 25/04/2025 18:21

I have a child with ARFID, ASD etc etc.

She still gets offered all the food. Yes, we have food that she will eat, but she's also offered the same as us.

This way she's managed to try a wider range of food, some of which she'll keep eating (we've finally cracked spaghetti - no other pasta shapes yet!).

We actually find she's more likely to try different things outside of the home setting.

And yes, she will and has gone hungry if there's nothing safe. But that wouldn't stop me offering her what others are eating.

BeakyFlinders · 25/04/2025 18:21

MonteStory · 25/04/2025 18:20

‘Crappy’ (basically processed) food is very consistent. For people who struggle with food, one bad experience will put them off that food for life.

In a punnet of blueberries you’ll get sour ones, sweet ones, hard ones, soft ones. In a bag of quavers they are quavers. Every single one tastes of quaver. And you can buy another bag, at any time of year, and they will be the same.

When a parent is tearing their hair out with a child who won’t eat sees them scarf down a bag of quavers, it’s probably quite tempting to go buy a lifetimes supply. They have to eat.

Yes! Consistency! That’s a huge part of it.

godmum56 · 25/04/2025 18:22

I think that people who haven't had personal experience of a non eating child, they don't believe it can happen. I had a work colleague who had a non sleeping child who would only eat yoghurt. She worked in the NHS in a large dietetics department, not a clinician herself but she had access to the best care and advice and also from the paediatric services. Their advice was not to make any kind of fuss about it and to keep offering other options but to keep on giving the yoghurt.

Bigfatsunandclouds · 25/04/2025 18:23

LovePeriodProperty · 25/04/2025 18:06

If all the kids been given is beige food then thats what they’ve got used to.
I wonder what they were weaned on ?

maybe when they go to nursery or school they’ll be more adventurous around others.

My DC2 was weaned exactly like DC2 except they wouldnt eat until they were nearly 1, only took breast milk. When they would eat, it was healthy, made from scratch dinners with lots of veg. They used to scream in pain after a meal rich in veg and then wouldn't eat again for a while. I went to the GP who fobbed me off as they were growing well.

They were put on food watch at nursery and school as they wouldn't eat unless there were safe, bland food available. Wouldn't touch vegetables or fruit despite both places telling me at first, 'oh they'll join in with what their friends are doing eventually', both have reluctantly agreed with me that isn't the case here.

My child has Arfid and has thrown up all over themselves when people have tried to force them to try foods and they won't touch it again because they associate it with pain and fear- well meaning people have caused me untold pain by forcing my child to try things they are not ready to try yet.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/04/2025 18:24

I put unreasonable - this is triggering for our family. Although I do realise it's our problem and not yours.

DGS will only eat dry toast, he's just decided he will no longer have Nutella on it because he became overwhelmed with the smell of chocolate when his classmates ripped open their Easter eggs which the teacher had bought for them before half term. His mum is trying to tempt him back to peanut butter which he used to have before he dropped it and changed to Nutella. He had up to half a dozen safe foods at one point which he has reduced for one reason or another - he would drop one food and replace it with another but that seems to have stopped.

He's averse to smells and textures. He had supplemental high calorie drinks prescribed but he will only drink water.

He used to eat Pom Bears but school recently did a healthy eating lesson where he was told that they were unhealthy so he won't touch them anymore - so that was a good source of his calories lost to him.

There's no wonder children end up with feeding tubes when people are so judgemental about children eating beige food, telling children that it's unhealthy. His school apologised profusely and listed what they should have done during the healthy eating lesson and they put up a packet of Pom Bears on the healthy foods side of the class display. Then there was a stream of angry parents complaining about it - so it was removed from the display and that made him feel bad all over again.

He will occasionally chew a thinly sliced piece of apple and spit it out. He can't swallow it because of the texture.

The rules for the type and texture of clothing he can tolerate are complicated as well.

We were told that him biting his nails, picking his skin, pulling threads out of clothing are all versions of his own kind of stimming. His mum buys socks every week to replace the ones which will no longer cover his feet as he pulls such huge holes in them. His teacher said that she knows exactly where he had been in school because of the trail of threads left behind - which we know about because it's the same everywhere he goes - reminds me of the Hansel and Gretal story.

He's 15kg and 5 and a half years old. His cousin is three months younger and on the smaller side for her age and she is 18.5kg.

He's been told about tube feeding at hospital appointments and he appears to want this as he says it would be good because he could stop eating. He doesn't understand the implications.

He doesn't enjoy eating because it overwhelms his senses.

It makes me really sad when people judge the parents for what their children eat. Unthinking adults have really reduced the amount of foods DGS will now eat. He nibbles a piece of cold dry toast for lunch. He used to have a whole slice of hot toast after school with a topping on and maybe ask for another - but now it's dry.

He also won't tolerate the iron medicine he's been prescribed despite his levels being very low. After his recent tonsillectomy he was prescribed a suppository form of pain killer which he refused to let anyone administer.

He ate perfectly normally until about 3 years of age - anything and everything.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 25/04/2025 18:24

romdowa · 25/04/2025 15:34

My son would rather starve. We tried beige food in desperation when he started to regress and refuse all foods one by one . I'm guessing that is how most parents with a child like mine end up with a child on beige food. They offer it out of desperation

I was just about to say, this is what happened with my 3rd kid. My older two, no bother, ate all sorts of food and was all good quality non beige food.

DD2 was born, started off eating everything in sight, in fact, better than her siblings. By 2yo she gradually started to reduce what she would eat and would go days without eating, wouldn't touch unflavoured water. Now, she eats like 6 things half of which are the beige foods we offered out of desperation.

If you've never watched a child starve themselves for what seems a totally illogical reason, you just won't get it. She ended up really poorly at 3yo as preschool banned juice and only offered water. It was really hot weather, in a stuff church hall and she would rather die of dehydration than drink water plain.

MonteStory · 25/04/2025 18:27

I just can’t believe the arrogance of parents who say things like “I offered my child a wide range and they are great eaters. I never fed them crap and never made another option” as if other parents are utter morons who never even thought of that. You think people’s kids live off quavers and yoghurt by parental choice?!

Who taught you to be a parent? Your child. You parent the child you are given. If you were lucky enough to get one who eats, sleeps, talks, learns easily then thank your lucky stars before you pat yourself on the back.

Whippetlovely · 25/04/2025 18:28

For the poster asking about Arfid it's now classed as an eating disorder. It can be very serious if children loose a lot of weight. I don't know the full ins and outs but learnt a little bit about it when my child developed anorexia and it's a horrendous stress and worry. It's not just a child being fussy and 'where did it come from' it's probably always been around but misdiagnosed as being fussy or part of being autistic. Years ago kids were left to suffer with eating disorder as they weren't taken seriously at least now they are dealt with. When your kid refuses to eat you will give them what they will eat the alternative is them starving to death and that's not an exaduration if your child suffers from a ED. To the op maybe try and support your sister and not judge it's really unhelpful.

romdowa · 25/04/2025 18:29

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 25/04/2025 18:24

I was just about to say, this is what happened with my 3rd kid. My older two, no bother, ate all sorts of food and was all good quality non beige food.

DD2 was born, started off eating everything in sight, in fact, better than her siblings. By 2yo she gradually started to reduce what she would eat and would go days without eating, wouldn't touch unflavoured water. Now, she eats like 6 things half of which are the beige foods we offered out of desperation.

If you've never watched a child starve themselves for what seems a totally illogical reason, you just won't get it. She ended up really poorly at 3yo as preschool banned juice and only offered water. It was really hot weather, in a stuff church hall and she would rather die of dehydration than drink water plain.

People just don't understand, we weaned him right , fresh veg and fruit , all home made stuff and sure he was a little fussy but he got sick and then the outright refusals started. We were told this is a common trigger for arfid basically. We literally gave him anything we could think of to get him to eat . We've made huge strides since then and he will try things a bit more now but one bad illness and it can be back to ground zero again. The judgement is horrible when you are trying everything. I'd love it if he'd eat everything and anything but we have to meet him where he is and creating drama around foods will only make it worse

faerietales · 25/04/2025 18:31

MonteStory · 25/04/2025 18:27

I just can’t believe the arrogance of parents who say things like “I offered my child a wide range and they are great eaters. I never fed them crap and never made another option” as if other parents are utter morons who never even thought of that. You think people’s kids live off quavers and yoghurt by parental choice?!

Who taught you to be a parent? Your child. You parent the child you are given. If you were lucky enough to get one who eats, sleeps, talks, learns easily then thank your lucky stars before you pat yourself on the back.

Because it's really easy to be smug about things you've never had to experience or worry about.