Friend asked dh for 2 year loan

[ParsnipPuree]

Dh’s closest friend broke down to dh and told him he’s in trouble. Owes £25k to a friend who now needs it back. Dh offered to help on the basis it’s payed back in instalments every month for up to 2 years.

I am friends with his wife who is oblivious. Her dh won’t confide in her. She doesn’t know there’s a problem so will carry on as normal. I don’t think she’s a big spender but that’s not the point. They had a week away shortly before her dh and mine had this conversation.

Im angry because if there was a medical situation they couldn’t cover, that would be one thing but they’re obviously living beyond their means. Dh is taking the money out his company so it doesn’t affect me. If my friend knew she’d be mortified.

@ParsnipPuree if he has 2k spare to pay towards the debt then how did he manage to get into debt in the first place?? does not make sense to me and his wife should surely always have an idea how much they have in savings and spending/income! if she doesnt then she is an idiot, as is your husband for being so gullible to be lending to him in the first place!!

Has this been set up.legally so it is recorded as a loan with agreement to pay back? I would want to talk to a solicitor. Otherwise he could just say it's a gift. Why can't he take out a loan in the usual way with a bank? If it's not affordable with them, he can't afford it.

I wouldn't do it.

Exactly. What a load of codswallop

That’s a pretty accurate summary. I don’t have any more to add for the moment but dh will be speaking to him during the week. Thank you all.

Some people just cannot be helped!

OP isn't listening and the money will be lent anyway.

I'd want to know what the amount of the original loan was for, how long ago it was borrowed and what the monthly payments were. Then your DH can have the full picture of repayments.

That was my thought too. OP started off unhappy at her husband’s decision. She is now defending it and minimising it in the face of almost unanimous advice, with many PPs raising new potential issues. This could have really serious consequences for the OP, for the business and for the DP if there is any wrongdoing or dodgy-ness on the part of the friend. People can do terrible things when they are desperate and a 20 year relationship does not preclude this. As a PP said, the friend has already proven he is willing to lie, conceal and manipulate two people he ought to love - his wife and his BF. There needs to be a great deal more openness and transparency before this amount of money is taken from the business. The accountant should be warning of the dangers too. His professional reputation is also at stake. As for keeping the friend’s “suicidal thoughts” from his wife and family, neither the OP nor her DP has the right to do this. Knowing what desperate straits the friend is in, I cannot understand why they are going along with his deception.

I agree. Also
"I’m pretty sure it was on credit cards living beyond their means, interest accruing so he borrowed the money to pay them all off. Dh is going to ask who the friend he borrowed from is."

It's so odd that the DH wouldn't have already asked and that the Friend hasn't voluntarily divulged this information yet. Surely one would help him restructure to lend on a sound footing, rather than just hand over such a large lump sum.

But it sounds like the loan will go ahead and the Friend's wife will be told about his suicidal inclinations and financial situation if and when he defaults.

OP’s DH may have told her about the loan but be withholding other information & reasons for the loan such as knowledge of friend’s gambling, or addiction issues (sex, drugs, other). He may be giving OP a sanitised version bcos his friend begged him to, as they both know that if she knew there would be a risk of friend’s wife finding out, &/or friend could not cope with the shame of OP knowing. It might not have come as such a huge surprise to OP’s DH if this is his best mate & he would know v well his personality (gambler, strip clubs, cocaine?) Friend wld definitely not want OP to know if it’s in any way sex related for eg. He cld even have an OW, another child or be being blackmailed.
I can’t believe OP has fallen for the just living outside of your means line & the fact that her DH is happily going along with it does ring alarm bells like it’s all a bit too good to be true & v unlikely that friend’s is having to put his hands suddenly on this sum bcos the “friend” he borrowed it from wants it back all of a sudden?? Obviously he’s in over his head & it’s all lies but the complacency of her DH about the reasons for it & where it’s coming out of are big red flags imo.

I don’tthink it is actually coming out of the business & think this is also another sanitised version DH is telling OP bcos all the implications it could have for the company. The OP & her DH are well off enough for them not to be significantly affected were he not to pay them back which OP has said has happened before with a family member. I know OP says DH has promised it’s coming out of the business - I just hope she gets to see proof. I think DH will have certain loyalties (& history) to the friend & this could extend to what friend knows about DH, that he could be using to ensure DH plays ball.

TELL HIM THIS!! Tell him you’re not happy about it, if your opinion doesn’t matter because it’s ‘his money’ then I’d be questioning your marriage anyway!

So the original loan was for more than £25k? I can’t help but think your husband needs to tell his friend that he doesn’t condone him keeping such a debt from his wife, and that they need to discuss this… your husband also needs to discuss this loan with the previous friend and check that he has indeed been paying the other friend monthly without fail…. I’m guessing he’s missed the odd payment or said ‘can I pay less this month as we’re off on holiday!’….. I mean FFS if you owe a friend money you don’t go on holiday !!

I have told him!! I’m upset and also conflicted because on other threads, I’ve seen many people who don’t share money in marriages been told their money, their choice. I do have leverage here because I can tell my friend.. which means next time he just wouldn’t tell me.

I honestly think you are going to have to roll with it. Against the odds it could work out fine, I doubt it but if nothing else comes of it, your husband will learn a valuable lesson about lending money, even friends will lie to get what they want. Likely the end of the friendship anyway because money and friends don't mix. IV only ever helped people out with a few hundred that I can easily afford. Iv never been paid back, I say it's a gift but none have ever even offered to repay. People who are bad with money are....bad with money.

This is my final post on this one as I don't you will use anything in the thread.

Ask your husband specifically if he has done anything type if repayment capacity assessment. I posted one earlier this this thread.

The numbers don't work. He cannot pay you back. That is the point here.

Tell you husband that the numbers will not work. That it's mission impossible.

If he still cannot accept it then you are married to a fool and accommodating two of them.

Thats not leverage though. Its a hand grenade.

I think you need to pull back from brinksmanship here and really try to address the inequities in the marriage. It is all well and good to have a modern equal marriage/separate finances set up. Under those rules he spends his personal/fun money account as he wishes and you do too. In fact that is not the marriage you have. He (seemingly) owns and controls everything and you are treated like the dumb pensioner who just takes what she is given gratefully and silently.

I think, deep down, the reason this time feels different and you are seriously agitated is that symbolically your begging friend’s wife is reminding you of yourself. Here is a wealthy finance dude living beyond his means and robbing peter to pay paul while his silly wife knows nothing about it. And your dh, in some weird boys code stupor, is aiding snd abetting this ridiculous corruption of the friends’s marriage. Why? To save friend’s ego and masculine pride as well as help him fool the regulators of his professional life who frown on bankrupt financial wizards.

Ultimately does’nt this remind you of yourself own situation? Aren’t you potentially just one or two secretive deals away from discovering you, too, are in a marriage full of lies and financial improprieties?

I am not saying this is the case. But I am suggesting that your subconscious mind may be noticing the similarities.

I think the right solution isn’t one that addresses this individual case but one that lets you talk honestly with dh about how you feel about family money and family decisions about money. Couples therapy for financial issues and plans? Couples therapy generally!

That would be something my 7 year old would say 'if you tell me off I won't tell you next time'. From a grown adult it sounds ridiculously controlling and child like.
It sounds like trust and control is an issue in your relationship? As you fear than if you are honest with the wife. he will then be dishonest with you. That may not be the reality, but that is definitely how it is coming across.
As others have said, there is definitely more to this than 'living beyond means'. If it was just that, he would have reigned it in the first time he got into debt and not need to borrow again. Your DH is rather incredibly naive, or not bring honest with you. It sounds like he is a sucessful smart business man if he has money tolend, to buy you a car, sounds like he is the sole earner? So I doubt he is stupid. Which leaves dishonesty.

Absolutely not!!!!!!! You will never get it back. Do you even have £25k to spare?

The issue is and will continue to be: his wife knows he earns several thousand a month, she knows what the mortgage and bills are, she knows what his disposable income SHOULD BE, so she thinks they can afford meals out and holidays…. She is totally unaware that he’s paying £2k a month in loan repayment and if he doesn’t tell her she will be questioning any reduction in holidays etc…. Which is why he needs to tell her, maybe he needs to explain he has a debt and that for one year they all need to pull in their belts.. he needs to explain that they can’t continue to spend as they are, that he’s got in debt for that exact reason… by not telling her he’s not only not trusting her to be a responsible adult, but he’s also not including her in the family finances … if I found out my husband was in debt (he told me) I’d support him and be more frugal till the debt was clear…. If I found out from someone else or by accident then the marriage would be over! Because marriages shouldn’t have such huge secrets !

I think this is totally different you are part of the company even if you don’t work there and people are more concerned for you as your dh isn’t taking your feelings into account also this guy may never pay you back and you will resent your dh because he didn’t listen to you. It’s irrelevant if you tell the wife afterwards if he doesn’t pay she will be more likely to get mad at you also as other people have said he’s not exactly trying to stop the holidays is he. Why does your dh think he will change his spots now? From someone who knows these type of people they don’t change there ways unless they’re about to lose there home or job when they have no choice to come clean. If he had any intentions to change his situation he would tell his wife everything and tell her things have to change and he’s not willing to do that. so not much will change. The guy has used emotional blackmail to your dh. If he goes ahead with it I would be requesting copies of his bank statements to see if he can even afford the repayments.

But with regards to my previous comment… that isn’t your problem. Maybe your husband could sit his friend down though and tell him that he feels he needs to tell his wife because their lifestyle needs to change so therefore she needs to know.
min your shoes now all you can do is tell your DH what a kind person he is, and ask him to proceed with caution. Thank him for trusting you..
I would
also be taking more interest in the companies finances so he doesn’t get taken advantage of and keep it from you in the future.

Just a thought this is equivalent to a years salary for some people maybe his wife needs a job to help him. Your dh isn’t enabling him to carry on with his lies and the chances it will be you 2 who lose out.

@ParsnipPuree
Do you fully understand your reponsibilities and liabilities as a Company Director? You really need to or you need to resign.
Your (and yes it is YOURS in legal terms if you are a Director) Company and therefore YOU cannot just lend money to someone without a proper paper trail and Business case to do it.
The consequences for you even if it IS repaid could be serious.
If your H insists on this it would be a lot better if he did it from personal funds and if he can't afford to do that then he can't afford to lend this money.

But then when it all goes tits up, what proof is there that this friend does indeed owe the money if he’s never been in receipt of it?

So this guy earns enough to be able to pay £1000 per month towards these payments, but that’s not enough for him not to be currently in debt or have paid off the loan he currently has? £1000 per month wasn’t already being paid to the first “friend”? Or unable to lend the money from a bank? He’ll be able to pay his bills, keep his wife in the dark, and pay £25000 off in two years? I imagine he’s lying to you somewhere, if he’s lying to his wife and asking your husband to lie to you. You’re daft to lend it.

I agree with the hand grenade comment. The minute you tell his wife, you say goodbye to the money. They’ll both fall out with you and won’t prioritise paying you back, and if they divorce you’ll have no chance of getting it.