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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked dh for 2 year loan

631 replies

ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:19

Dh’s closest friend broke down to dh and told him he’s in trouble. Owes £25k to a friend who now needs it back. Dh offered to help on the basis it’s payed back in instalments every month for up to 2 years.

I am friends with his wife who is oblivious. Her dh won’t confide in her. She doesn’t know there’s a problem so will carry on as normal. I don’t think she’s a big spender but that’s not the point. They had a week away shortly before her dh and mine had this conversation.

Im angry because if there was a medical situation they couldn’t cover, that would be one thing but they’re obviously living beyond their means. Dh is taking the money out his company so it doesn’t affect me. If my friend knew she’d be mortified.

OP posts:
Fleetbug · 26/04/2025 16:57

Covering up lies, enabling debt, allowing a false marriage to perpetuate- and all so yr husband can feel like he’s done a good deed for his friend?

Your order of operations is wrong for starters. You have no idea how the debts actually accrued so you have no idea how they will be repaid.

  1. Inform his wife. Or rather, as a precondition of any possible loan, tell the friend he needs to inform his wife. She needs to know as it is her finances you are discussing . Pretending otherwise is enabling all this nonsense
  2. Ask for the last years bank statements so you can see spending patterns and how he can alter these to pay off his loan. Again, if he doesn’t want to do this there’s no possibility of a loan.
  3. All four of you meet with an independent financial adviser/ not the voice of mumsnet but someone who sees this day in day out. Precondition of any loan.
  4. Take their advice. It’s an unsecured loan- it will be v difficult if not impossible to get it back.

Be prepared to lose £25K and your DH to lose a friend. Because this loan won’t be paid back. It’s based on lies secrets and threats… lies to the friends wife, threats of self harm and secrets you have to keep from people who have a right to know

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/04/2025 17:52

@ParsnipPuree you still haven’t answered-how do you think this friend and his wife are going to be able to make serious lifestyle changes, if she is not aware of their financial difficulties and/or their causes? How are they suddenly going to stop going on holiday/shopping at Waitrose if she doesn’t know? Because now, it not only is it that they have to not go on holidays, they also have to vastly reduce their outgoings in order to repay your DH in the timeframe you have said. This has disaster written all over it.

Laura95167 · 26/04/2025 17:59

So he's loaned £25k off one friend, hid it from his wife, paid nothing back and now is asking your DH to loan him £25k in a robbing Peter to pay Paul scenario?

I don't think DH should do this if he can't afford to lose the money. His friend is OK lying and hiding stuff from his wife, he loaned money he didnt repay. Theres a reason his wife doesn't know, there's a reason he's not getting a bank loan. There is more to this.

At some point he's going to run out of friends to transfer this debt to and you don't want to be in the hot seat when the music stops.

As an absolute minimum I'd suggest to your DH only agree if this is an open loan to his friend and the wife.

bellocchild · 26/04/2025 17:59

Why are you worried about covering a medical emergency?

laraitopbanana · 26/04/2025 18:25

It is easier said than done but…

no lending money. If the bank doesn’t…there is a reason.

TropicofCapricorn · 26/04/2025 18:28

ParsnipPuree · 26/04/2025 13:51

I’m not a bitch so no I won’t be doing that. Not now anyway. I’m going to give him the chance to pay it back within a year. I accept why posters are dubious this will happen. Personally i would have said no but dh earns it and it’s his friend so his choice. He’s not giving it from money we use to live on so even if he lost it nothing would really happen apart from us being devastated at friend’s behaviour and me telling his wife.

Show quote history

Oh come on, you're never going to tell her, even if he doesn't pay for 2 months, you'll give him "one more chance".

It's fine, you are happy to give this man a gift of £25,000 it's lovely if you to give him this money and not have it back. But it won't help anyone..

Blades2 · 26/04/2025 18:35

How do you know there’s no gambling/drug problem?
you just have to look at this website to see women breaking their hearts over finding out their husbands are in huge amounts of debts for hidden addictions.

Hoppinggreen · 26/04/2025 18:35

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that OP's H is NOT planning on lending this money, he plans for his Company to.
As I have discovered this IS actually possible but makes it much more complicated if the friend does not pay it back.
Both OP and her H could be in trouble with HMRC and in some circumstances prosecuted if this happens.
There is no reason for the Business to do this and directors have to act in the best interests of their Business as a seperate entity. I fail to see how lending £25k to a debt ridden individual with no connection to the company and to charge no interest could be said to be in the companies interest.

Namechangean · 26/04/2025 18:40

Purplesy · 26/04/2025 10:07

You don't sound as if you have much agency in your marriage if your husband gives away marital assets without your agreement.

The only thing that you can do to try and protect your name in this is to tell your husband you will need to see that payment every month with your own eyes and the minute he defaults, his wife is being told.

He has children.
It really is unconscionable to keep his wife in the dark about the shit show going on in the background.

Guys like him rob peter to pay paul when they are in too deep. This will come out. She deserves to be told.

My friends neighbours husband took his life in 2008 and what he left behind for his poor wife to deal with was truly shocking.
He left her in enormous debt, the whole business was leveraged up to the hilt.
Bank took their house within months, remortgaged multiple times.
Traumatised children, still traumatised in their 20's.
Her parents and family paying her rent and bills, and food during a tough recession.
She was, is, a lovely woman I believe, who trusted her husband.
She has paid a horrendous price for her trust and so did her children.

Honestly this crossed my mind. I’ve heard multiple stories of men who are well off and when they lose their money they can’t face letting down their loved ones and so they take their own lives, and in the media I’ve heard of some men kill their whole family rather than tell them they’ve bankrupted them.

I know that’s far fetched, but this man sounds like he is spiralling. This 25k potentially isn’t for paying off a friend, that could be a story so that your DH doesn’t ask to transfer the money to the credit card company. He’s probably just looking to get his next load of money in the bank so he can continue his facade to his wife and family. It’s like a pyramid scheme.

In admit I have a bit of imagination but I’d maybe stipulate to him via your DH, I will loan you this but only if your I pay this friend directly and if you tell your wife

Original poster
ParsnipPuree · 26/04/2025 18:46

bellocchild · 26/04/2025 17:59

Why are you worried about covering a medical emergency?

Er.. I’m not? But I did say that if a good friend needed a life saving op then I absolutely wouldn’t hesitate. Wouldn’t you if you could?

OP posts:
RealEagle · 26/04/2025 18:47

Blades2 · 26/04/2025 18:35

How do you know there’s no gambling/drug problem?
you just have to look at this website to see women breaking their hearts over finding out their husbands are in huge amounts of debts for hidden addictions.

I was thinking this

ElizaMulvil · 26/04/2025 18:48

You have no idea what this man has done to get into this debt, or how much he owes in reality or to whom. He could involved in all sorts of dodgy deals, embezzlement, loan sharks. If or when the chickens come home to roost and his regulators or worse the police start examining his accounts ,do you really want your husband to be drawn into whatever shitstorm is whirling around? He might have a lot of explaining away his enabling loans. They may or may not believe that a professional man such as your husband just lent money out of kindness and not because he was also up to his neck in shady dealing. Do not let your husband lend this money. His naivety will not save him, you or the family, from the stress of a police investigation (Or worse, much much worse.)

auderesperare · 26/04/2025 18:49

I once gave a friend, whose husband’s business had gone under, £500. It was a gift not a loan. I thought of it as my money as I earned it (although joint account). My lovely, generous, kind husband was furious with me - not because of the money but because I had made a unilateral decision about something quite sensitive which had the potential to change the nature of a friendship and affect our relationship.
I’ve never forgotten it and I’ve not done it again. He had a point. If I had asked him first he may well have said yes. But I made the spur of the minute decision when my friend was upset.

It may be your husband’s money but you are a partnership and this is going to affect your relationship with feckless friend and FF’s wife. It will make it so awkward and you will silently be judging their every extravagance.
Your husband has put you in a difficult and impotent position. He has put his friend’s feelings ahead of yours.
I would be angry that the FF told him to keep it secret from you - that’s wholly unacceptable. I’d be having a word with FF to let him know there were no secrets in my marriage and there shouldn’t be in his. I hope it all works out but the chances are FF is lying to your DH. The debt may well be more than £25k. The story about the first lender needing it back suddenly does not sound true. The suicidal thoughts are manipulation. Even if true, who, with any self-respect, would put that on a friend? The lying to wife is completely inexcusable. Nobody (in finance) runs up £25k of debt buying extras for four kids. Its ridiculous. At the v least your husband should make the loan dependent on the FF coming clean with the wife. There is likely to be much more to this than your DP is being told.

bellocchild · 26/04/2025 18:49

ParsnipPuree · 26/04/2025 18:46

Er.. I’m not? But I did say that if a good friend needed a life saving op then I absolutely wouldn’t hesitate. Wouldn’t you if you could?

Show quote history

Well, no! We have a very good health service, which is free at the point of use so there would be no need.

Isinglass20 · 26/04/2025 18:58

Your friend working in finance and borrowing money left right and centre!

Someone has threatened to report him to his employer if he doesn’t repay the loan.
Or he’s being blackmailed.
Or he’s been stealing from his employer
Or borrowed from criminals and they want their pound of flesh

Nevermind tax implications of OPs DH taking money out of his business and the new AML regs

This friend is probably facing bankruptcy , lose his home and job and be banned from any future employment involving money.

CommonAsMucklowe · 26/04/2025 19:00

Neither lender nor borrower be. End of.

ZillahBarnes · 26/04/2025 19:04

Neither a borrower nor a lender be. I don’t imagine you’ll see the full £25k returned to your family within the next 2yrs. Sure, a couple of repayments will be made. But they’ll tail off, and so will the friendship.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/04/2025 19:12

Another thing that's not been answered - though god knows it's been mentioned often enough - is why this amount the "friend" owes can't just be paid back directly to whoever lent it

Unless of course that original "lender" doesn't exist and it's actually money that was gained illegally ...

KnewYearKnewMe · 26/04/2025 19:17

@ParsnipPuree

you say your company has an excellent accountant - I run a company. I can assure you, you cannot (legally) take that amount out of your company funds and ‘pay’ it to yourself, either as salary or dividend, without incurring some form of penalty or tax implications.

The only exception is if your DH has previously ‘loaned’ his company money as a Directors Loan, and this is the company ‘paying him back’.

Honestly - taking money out of your own business as a loan to a friend is no way to run a company - as a director, it’s bloody messy and at a minimum - bloody bad practice.

surely if you have sufficient wealth, you can take the money out of private funds?

grownuplefthome · 26/04/2025 19:24

Friend borrowed the money from someone else first and is now trying to borrow money to pay this debt off! He’s still not going to pay it back to your husband, tell him he can loan friend money as long as he doesn’t expect to get it back!!!

Flightofthegeese · 26/04/2025 19:33

Isinglass20 · 26/04/2025 18:58

Your friend working in finance and borrowing money left right and centre!

Someone has threatened to report him to his employer if he doesn’t repay the loan.
Or he’s being blackmailed.
Or he’s been stealing from his employer
Or borrowed from criminals and they want their pound of flesh

Nevermind tax implications of OPs DH taking money out of his business and the new AML regs

This friend is probably facing bankruptcy , lose his home and job and be banned from any future employment involving money.

I agree this looks dodgy.

DH shouldn't get involved OP

GiveDogBone · 26/04/2025 19:44

This is why you must never lend money to friends unless you are prepared to make it a gift. On no account give him a penny, he’s only using your money to pay off another friend. Who’s going to be there to pay off you?

You also would not be helping him, he’s in an unsustainable situation and borrowing money from you doesn’t solve any problems, it just postpones the day of reckoning.

Jackiemj · 26/04/2025 20:25

I would ask dh to pay friends debts directly to debtors rather than giving him the money directly - so your dh knows he had really helped him out

Crazyworldmum · 26/04/2025 20:31

No way ! Unless you can count those 25 l as lost do not do it . If he didn’t pay back his previous friend why would he pay you back and why doesn’t his wife know about it ? Absolutely not

StarCourt · 26/04/2025 20:35

Do we actually know if the amount he originally borrowed from the other friend was £25k? Could he have borrowed less but ended up with a bigger debt? Could he have borrowed more but had made repayments to get it down to £25k?