Friend asked dh for 2 year loan

[ParsnipPuree]

Dh’s closest friend broke down to dh and told him he’s in trouble. Owes £25k to a friend who now needs it back. Dh offered to help on the basis it’s payed back in instalments every month for up to 2 years.

I am friends with his wife who is oblivious. Her dh won’t confide in her. She doesn’t know there’s a problem so will carry on as normal. I don’t think she’s a big spender but that’s not the point. They had a week away shortly before her dh and mine had this conversation.

Im angry because if there was a medical situation they couldn’t cover, that would be one thing but they’re obviously living beyond their means. Dh is taking the money out his company so it doesn’t affect me. If my friend knew she’d be mortified.

I would tell the wife.

Id also be telling my husband if he gives this man our money, against my wishes, I'd be looking at divorce.

He can’t pay his other friend back he won’t pay you back
don’t do it

The moneys sitting in the company so don’t think losing any interest. Dh is adamant he’ll be payed back in full. Think he’s regretting telling me!

The money is in a bank account somewhere, surely it's earning interest...?

How on earth are you okay with your husband doing this?

Because you can tut and go "well if he mucks us around I'll tell the wife".... Won't make any difference when the friend ficks off with YOUR money.

So...TELL THE WIFE. Now.

And what happens when something comes up in your life, and you need the lump sum back ASAP?

If it makes you feel any better, I (normal professional with normal professional friends who do not have lots of money lying round in businesses) asked my husband (high net worth business partners) if he went to any of them (they’re all friends) and said he was really struggling financially, mentally struggling because of it etc would they loan him £25k to get through it and he said without hesitation they wouldn’t loan, they’d just gift it - because they’d all know that for him (or any of them) to ask, it must be absolutely desperate.

It sounds as though your husband can afford to lose it, ultimately he’s gambling on the strength of his friendship. He can’t morally have the money in the bank and watch his friend lose everything (in his opinion, or he wouldn’t be willing to do it). If his friend defaults, he will go to court and get the money back by way of a charge or forced sale on the house - friendship will be over but at least he can reconcile his conscience about his friend. If his friend repays, he’s proven that the 20 year friendship is as valuable to him as it is to your husband. If he doesn’t lend him the money, the friendship will probably never recover.

I think it’s hard to understand when you don’t have these kinds of sums lying around to play with. People regularly gamble by investing large sums of money on various businesses/opportunities/start ups. The idea horrifies me, but the attitude is generally you win some, you lose some.

I, on the other hand, wouldn’t ask a friend if I could lend a tenner! But I come from a totally different background….

£25k, with presumably no interest, is over £1k a month over 2 years - if he had this spare each month why are they in debt in the first place? The only people I would ever consider asking for this amount, or any amount actually, are my parents. I'd be mortified, so presumably completely desperate, to ask a friend.

I've loaned friends smaller sums, £3k once, £2k another and another £900, all different friends. All had to be reminded strongly to repay, one even made it seem like he was doing me a favour by returning my own money!

In summary, don't do it !

He must have a very poor credit rating if he has to ask friends for a loan of £25k to pay off other "friends" the money. I bet it's drugs or gambling and he's in over his head which is why he won't tell his poor DW the truth about his finances.

I've just been through a similar situation with 65yo BIL and am now NC with him as the stress of chasing him for the money got too much. He did eventually pay it back after 2 years but DH and I no longer trust him at all.

That's far too much money to gamble with imo. A few hundred maybe but definitely not a sum of that amount.

I’d be long divorced then. He gave his brother a lot more than that 20 years ago before we were married and never got it back. Helped my brother out with a smaller sum when he lost his job. Helps his sister.

Dh is by no means perfect but has many good qualities though.. kind, patient, charitable, invests in people.

Once when I was young I lent a boyfriend some money (around £100), I believed the sob story bull and that I would be repaid.
Of course the money never got repaid and it works me now decades later.
But then I see posts like this and think maybe that stupid mistake prevented me from ever lending money again and that £100 was a small amount in the grand scheme of things and taught me a Valuable lesson.

Encourage you husband to help friend with debt resolution options, budgeting and coming clean to wife. Help in practical ways like a tesco shop, or a funding a day out with you if you have spare funds. Do not lend this money

Bloody hell, has he never heard the phrase, once bitten, twice shy?

The man very very generous giving his friend a gift of £25,000.

I can't believe you're okay with losing £25,000 as a family and giving it to a man that is deceitful.

Different strokes and all that.

“None of her friends work and sounds like he doesn’t want to burst her bubble.”

So fine to go cap in hand to friends rather than “burst his wife’s bubble”? OP, he’s infantilising his wife - SHE NEEDS TO KNOW. How would you feel if your DH were keeping you in the dark about something like this, because bless the little woman, she and her friends need to go out and have ladies’ lunches and spa treatments and expensive hairdos on someone else’s dollar? This whole story is just ridiculous and the red flags are all over it.

It's over one year now. Somehow the friend is going to magically find £2000 a month without impacting his current lifestyle, because he hasn't told his wife about it...

OP and her DH are very generous in giving this man £25,000. Because they will not see the money again.

Why didn't his brother pay him back? Was he supposed to or did your DH gift him the money? Did your brother pay him back?

Generosity is a nice trait as long as people don't take advantage. I'm still sceptical that this friend will be able to find an additional £2000 per month to pay back the loan.

I would also be sceptical about your DH not losing interest. Surely the £25000 wasn't sitting in an account that paid no interest?

They won't get it back.

I doubt there's actually another friend in the first place.

Maybe OPs DH should say, I tell you what mate, give me your friends details and I'll send him the money directly. See the original friend back pedal fast!

This!!!

If he doesn't ' burst his wife's bubble' pronto, how on earth is he going to afford now 2k a month to repay your DH? She'll be merrily holidaying, getting her nails and hair done etc which is costing him already, he'll soon be seeing the bailiffs rocking up to his door, but you and your DH will never see the 25k again.

This just does not compute.🤔A huge part of his ' problem' is his wife and he's not prepared to address it. He is also doing his wife and children a huge disservice in not telling her and giving her the chance to support and help him, which if she loves him, she will after a few choice words which he deserves.

Why can’t his friend get a loan for 25k? Does he have a house, can he remortgage? If the answer is no, then his friend is a credit risk and your dh shouldn't lend him money. I hope he ties up the loan legally via a solicitor.

A few years ago my cousin lost his business a few weeks before Christmas. He Had nothing for the mortgage, house damage from a horrific storm, one child going through cancer treatment and nothing for the kids for Christmas. He swallowed his pride and Asked daddy for a loan. When he got back on his feet, he paid it all back. Op People fall on hard times. It can’t have been easy for the friend to admit he’s 25k down a hole. If your husband is willing to help well good for him. I applaud him. He may have inadvertently saved his friends life.

There's having adversity... and there's living beyond your means, hiding debts from your spouse and going on the scrounge to your mates...

I'd tell him that if does make the loan against your wishes, the first thing you will do is tell the wife. It's not OK to expect you to keep this a secret from your friend. Secrets like this are always poisonous.
Meanwhile, I guessing DH hasn't done the basic due diligence of asking the current lender if it's true that they've asked for the whole loan back rather than sticking with the payment plan, and checking whether the payment plan has been adhered to. If you can afford to give away 25k, so be it, but you can't expect to get it back.
I think the whole story sounds dodgy. I'd be willing to bet that either the current lender has asked for full repayment immediately because the installment payments haven't been met, or that this is a story to get DH to lend him more money. Is the guy a gambler?
As for the wife, don't you think she deserves to know? Surely she would reign in their lifestyle if she knew there was a problem, and try to pay off the debts ASAP?

Nini1013

I’m not a risk taker either, but dh takes risks all the time. Like you, I could never ask anyone for money, I’d rather starve than even ask a friend.

Thank you for asking your husband. Yes he’s gambling on the strength of his friendship. I know he would never put a charge on his friend’s house. I just know. I’d be much happier if he told his wife though.. I told dh if he ever lied to or mislead me about money that would be it.

This makes sense

to me £25k is a huge amount

£5k is lol

guess what does £25k mean to you and dh @ParsnipPuree

is it like £100 to me

i could find and lend it and thi pissed off if didn’t get it back - but could survive without it

your cousin’s circumstances were completely different and I wouldn’t hesitate to help someone in that situation if I could. This one’s just been living beyond his means. Been on 3 holidays recently that I know of.

He clearly has asked before otherwise he wouldn’t be looking for money to pay back the person he asked in the first place! It’s just that he hasn’t asked your DH. You don’t even know if it’s the first time he’s been in this situation, he’s possibly been borrowing from Peter to pay Paul for years and adding a wee bit to it each time so the debt increases.