To be disappointed they've changed their mind about the money?

[hoopoemagic]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents had offered to gift me a deposit for a little house for me and DS following a break up but, as I could only afford one in one of the less desirable areas, they've now changed their mind.

Totally within their rights and I've just reassured them it's totally fine but currently feeling very disappointed. I'm on my mid forties and have been left with nothing after my break up so no chance of buying now. Not the end of the world, but feeling very sad to have lost the opportunity.

Well they should have thought more about it before they made the offer shouldn't they, and made it crystal clear what the offer was which I would suggest they have not but you are so mired in the " I am a complete fuck up" narrative that you naturally assume it's you. Have a wallow though op for a little bit as it's a rubbish situation x.

I think you're right and it's totally fair that they have come to that conclusion. But having doubts about your friend, you wouldn't offer them money would you? That's what is really hurting me right now. I'd started to hope and have little dreams. Feeling secure and being able to always have a second bedroom for DS to come home if he wants when he's grown. A cat. They were only small dreams but now they've been crushed and I am really, really upset. And all this upset could've been avoided if they'd just not bloody suggested it!

Have you explained all this to your parents?

Massive hugs, I'm so sorry they have put you in this position

I've told them to that their decision is fine, I'm not going to try and change their minds, but that I really wish that they'd not offered in the first place. On reflection I do think they've made a huge mistake with how they've handled this but I think they've wanted to fix things and then panicked and feel they've over promised, but they genuinely are loving and supportive and have done a great deal for me over the years so it's not worth falling out over. It is time to rely on myself, I'll get over it all soon but I do feel sad and quite alone.

I think you are being overly generous about your parents' good intentions. They did over-promise but they have delivered absolutely nothing except disappointment. You also sound as though your mum is the one that needs comforting as she is so upset. I think it should be the other way round.

The fact that you have a child that they are willing to leave in precarious rented accommodation in a rough area makes me judge them even more.

I speak as someone with adult children and grandchildren with much less money than your parents and I wouldn't hesitate to help my children in your situation.

So they would rather you were homeless than living in a less than good area? Or one that doesn’t have good resale values ? What is loving about that?

If you could only afford a 'less desirable area' with their offer for help with a deposit, what are you going to do now you don't have that help?

It's such a disappointment for you OP but as someone suggested have you looked at part ownership, that could be a possibility. Hope something good turns up for you.

Parents job.

So I really do feel they think I've fucked up massively losing everything and just don't trust me.

Were you paying towards the mortgage on
your ex-partner’s house? Is that why your parents are saying they don’t trust you?

Or were you renting with him?

Hugs, @hoopoemagic I feel for you. x

Fair enough @Sharptonguedwoman . Although in @hoopoemagic 's case, the parents don't seem particularly financially clued up either.

But someone, somewhere, needs to teach girls that there's no selfishness in looking after yourself financially. Maybe MN could run educational awareness campaigns for girls and young women?

but they genuinely are loving and supportive and have done a great deal for me over the years so it's not worth falling out over. It is time to rely on myself, I'll get over it all soon but I do feel sad and quite alone.

You're not alone @hoopoemagic

Fair point. It's a very important issue but how you'd include it in a curriculum, I'm not quite sure. PSHE or whatever they call it now maybe. 'Finance for life'? Maybe at 6th form college or a compulsory class on apprenticeships?
One problem is many of our preconceptions about money are inherited from a previous generation and not now always relevant-'housekeeping money' for example.
Some myths are persistent too, like 'common law wives' which simply don't exist in law at all.
Not sure what the answer is.

if someone bought with a 10% deposit on a 200k house and the market falls by 5% in 2 years. they lose a lot of money if they sell in that time!

“Just sell” is not always profitable!

But if they've given the money to OP it's surely no longer theirs? It's more like an advance inheritance - they wouldn't ultimately want her to sell up and pay them back, would they? So if the OP had to sell at a loss - it would be HER loss.

At my age I’ve seen so many dodgy, ‘stabby’ areas become gentrified and desirable over time. Could you point out to your parents that this makes it a way better investment?

DH and I have delivered political leaflets on a huge ex-council estate on the outskirts of Manchester for about 15 years. The area has never been regarded as the best but honestly the people we've met along the route have all been lovely, with hopes for the future, disciplined kids with good manners and so on. Normal, in fact. Yes, lots have problems (including brushes with the law) and some houses are very run down (even smelly or boarded up) but lots more are neat and smart. Tons of the residents have lived there for donkeys years and wouldn't consider anywhere else to live.

House prices there have followed all national trends. I'd happily live there if I wasn't well off enough to live in my 5-bed detached in a country town a few miles away. Maybe I'm more "flexible" than your parents cos I was brought up in a poor but hard-working family with most of my friends living on the council estate very similar in the 1960s to those where I deliver my political leaflets. Maybe your parents have never experienced living in this sort of area. And believe me I understand how those who've never lived in such places can feel so I'm not about to chastise them for that. Your DS probably already mixes with children from such estates and some might be his besties.

So whatever offer your parents made to you, and then withdrew, was misguided, and ill-explained, but there we are. It is not your fault, nor theirs, just a mistake and not grounds for chastising them or feeling anything negative about yourself - just very disappointed. Others on here have suggested ways forward on your own or with their temporary help, so consider those and get some appointments to discuss with mortgage brokers or lenders directly. There are all sorts of mortgages out there nowadays.

I also had ten years of shared ownership on a one-bed flat when I worked a long way from home. It wasn't a great area, on the outskirts of Derby, but it trebled in price in those ten years. The flat next to mine was bought by a young single woman who installed a new kitchen and bathroom at a cost of £20k and promptly sold it for £50k more than she had paid for it!

Point out these two scenarios to your parents and let them think on it for a bit - they might change their minds. Also maybe take them along to talk together with a mortgage adviser about their ideas so both you and they are better informed about possibilities.

Don't give up hope, keep looking, planning, saving. Tell yourself you will get there. You sound like a fantastic daughter and mother.

Meg

Could it be that they find themselves with less money at the moment? Pension pots and investments have taken a hit and the cost of living is up. Are they worried about how they will cope?

Agree, there's more room to the price to go up. No guarantees, but another poster was complaining that her property in a nice area didn't appreciate.

Ok so you start now. You are clear that there will be no deposit so you set out a plan of how much you need and how you’ll get that.

All fine being upset and feeling cheated (in a way) but if you really want your own place and a cat you need to set it out on paper and work out how. Without being too woo woo, setting it out as an intention can make it happen, not only the universe/manifesting thing but also because it will be in your brain (a bit like thinking about red cars and seeing loads of them).

Start now with a big piece of paper and write it down. Once you’ve taken that first step you’re taking action and momentum will build. Pull on your big girl pants and make your life happen, even in small steps at first. Good luck! It will happen!