To be disappointed they've changed their mind about the money?

[hoopoemagic]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents had offered to gift me a deposit for a little house for me and DS following a break up but, as I could only afford one in one of the less desirable areas, they've now changed their mind.

Totally within their rights and I've just reassured them it's totally fine but currently feeling very disappointed. I'm on my mid forties and have been left with nothing after my break up so no chance of buying now. Not the end of the world, but feeling very sad to have lost the opportunity.

Not exactly the same situation, but my parents are similar to this. Often without prompting they will offer to pay for something (usually something out of our budget, a treat for example) and then I’ll never hear about it again. So frustrating, I’d rather they not offer 🙃

@hoopoemagic would you consider giving an approximate area and ballpark budget?

The MN collective always seems to be quite helpful in these situations.

Your parents, then, may rethink, if you could find something they'd be "more approving" of. (Although, I think that they are incorrect in attaching conditions to what was, essentially a gift)

Good luck though. 🌻

Have you seen the £5000 mortgage accord do , I’m a mortgage broker … would they consider lending you that . You could offer to remortgage it in five years and give it them back . Also look at nationwide who have a helping hand mortgage and will stretch your affordability

I’ve attached links
https://www.accordmortgages.com/products/5k-deposit
click the I’m a broker to read the details

https://www.nationwide.co.uk/mortgages/first-time-buyers/helping-hand-mortgage/

I feel bad for you. That sucks and I'm sorry to hear they've done that. Sounds like there's nothing you can do. But they sound a bit unkind in this decision. I think if I told my parents I was buying a yurt in Mongolia they would be like "errrm okay here's a bit of cash and where is the spare room"

they should never have offered it if they had no plans to follow through. Bloody cruel. So sorry OP.

That's rough OP, really not fair to offer that and then withdraw it.

How is their financial situation generally? Would they have very little savings if they did this for you or would it barely make a dent ..... or somewhere inbetween.

For that very reason I upped the amount I gave my Dd for her deposit after her divorce. Your parents are snobs.

I totally feel for you, I had a situation where I divorced and got an amount but not enough to buy what I needed, I asked my mum to help as she’s well off and I will inherit it at some point and she just said no. I slept on a sofa for 2 years to give both kids a room. It changes my thinking of her completely as at 80 i’d like to think if I could help mine I could

It’s a horrible thing to do - and you know it.

The way you reacted by excusing them shows this ain’t the first time they’ve shat on you.

One positive: they value their money more than their children and grandchild. Now you know. Forgive them, set boundaries.

But where does the withdrawal of the money leave you OP?

If it doesn't leave you better off (and I can't really see a situation where it does) then they really aren't helping you or acting in your best interests. Of course it's their money etc etc but if you are now left looking at simply renting without no security of tenure or investment in the future by buying your own property and if the area you are renting in is no better than where you'd be buying I don't think they are being fair or reasonable.

They made a significant interjection into your plans, a fundamental one that guided and led your actions to this point. To withdraw it at this juncture is, indeed, very very disappointing and I think you are perfectly valid in telling them that. What are their views on where you go from here without the money? Have they actually considered that or simply "ooh it's such a lot of money to part with, even to our only child and grandchild......let's not"

Whilst it's not worth falling out completely over I'd definitely try and phrase a response that covered the "don't get my hopes up like that again please" angle.

I don't think that you should have reassured them, you should have been honest. I'd adk if you have looked at shared ownership, but they'd probably come up with a list of reasons against that.

It would leave them with around £150000 in the bank. They own their house outright but worry about the cost of maintenance on it as it's a period property. But it is theirs and I don't want to spoil their retirement. They live very comfortably but have always worried about being poor and losing everything.

Are they expecting the money back, as in it would actually be a loan? If not, then I don't understand why they care about the house decreasing in value or whatever. That would be pretty unlikely to happen. anyway. And where exactly does this leave you now? Will you be renting a flat in a "bad" area?

They sound selfish and you sound very worn down by them, to be so excusing of their actions.

But there's no indication that OP might lose her job or even be in any danger of needing to have a house repossessed. She could always sell it before it got to that stage (banks are very unwilling to repossess and will usually try everything else first, so it looks like catastrophising on behalf of the parents).

What would happen if you were renting and lost your job? You and your child would be evicted.

How would it be different if you could afford a house in a more upmarket area, which is what they expected you would do, and then you lost your job?

They are just making excuses not to gift or lend you any money. I think they are being unfair.

Well, you are poor and you have lost everything and they are sitting there with loads of money in the bank, refusing to help their daughter and grandchild.

That’s an awful thing to do!

Despite being in tears all day OP you are finding a level of compassion towards your parents that the rest of us don't have and that's a positive in the long run as obvs they are going to still be your parents going forwards despite letting you down like this. Good luck on securing a decent future for you and your child. Stay strong.

Unfortunately it seems to be a common thing with a lot of older people to become more selfish and think of themselves first, their children and grandchildren are just a nice added extra. They may help them a little if they don't have to sacrifice anything much. But you can bet when their health starts to fail they will be expecting a lot of help from those kids and grandkids...

This is some kind of MH issue/money hoarding!

What is your living situation if they don’t give you the house deposit? If you’re an only child and inherit all the monies anyway, why are they worried about “losing on an investment”?
I assume they’re not gifting the money on the basis of being your landlord, it’s not an investment it’s a gift! It’s really awful of them to offer it and then take it away.

Sorry but I wouldn't lend a large sumnof money in your circumstances. They may need it in the future and you are sadly not financially secure. Just rent for now.

Well, yes, obviously that is exactly what I'm going to do.

To be fair though, I haven't asked for a loan. They've offered a gift, found out what I can actually buy and then changed their mind. That's absolutely their right and I accept that. It still sucks to be me though!

And I have an excellent credit record, no debt, a professional role and a sound employment history. I'm financially stable - I have a mortgage offer. I just don't have the capital for the deposit and by the time I save up I'll be too old.

Always best to make your own way in life. I wouldn’t accept handouts from my parents in my 40’s.

Where are you living now.

Be honest with them, could they loan it instead of gifting? Could you afford to repay them?