To be disappointed they've changed their mind about the money?

[hoopoemagic]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents had offered to gift me a deposit for a little house for me and DS following a break up but, as I could only afford one in one of the less desirable areas, they've now changed their mind.

Totally within their rights and I've just reassured them it's totally fine but currently feeling very disappointed. I'm on my mid forties and have been left with nothing after my break up so no chance of buying now. Not the end of the world, but feeling very sad to have lost the opportunity.

I think it is understandable to be disappointed.

You should be able to tell your parents that, while letting them know you accept they have the right to do what they want with their money and maybe the stars will align for you in the future.

Not ideal, but would it be possible to live with them for a while until you save a deposit?

It sounds to me as if they will still think of it as their money even after they give it to you, they don't like the idea of their money being spent on something that they disapprove of or feel is beneath them.
I would never ever do this to my children. I have a good chance of inheriting and I have a rough idea of how much I intend to give to them but I would never ever give them a figure until I had decided exactly what it would be. The most I would say is that it will be at least x percent of the total.

I can empathise. Though not to the same degree, I was promised a certain amount of money but when it came down to it received significantly less. I had hoped to clear a significant amount on the mortgage but could not. It is their money and their decision but to be promised something and then have it removed is heartbreaking and unkind. I would in your position maybe try and talk to them about it though, and see if you can all come to some sort of arrangement. Personally I would go without for my own children but not all parents do this!

Something similar happened to my other half, one parent promised a certain amount of money but ended up giving half that amount.
I think what happens is the parent wants to score points with the offspring and get the gratitude but when it comes down to it they don't actually want to part with the money.

God love you, of course you're not unreasonable to be sad! At absolute best they've been really thoughtless and inconsiderate. I would be gutted. They should never have offered if they weren't prepared to follow through and the way they've whisked the rug out from under you because what you can afford even with help isn't "good enough" is bound to hurt, it's like they're implying you're not good enough to be worth helping. Obviously, their money, their choice, and you're being really reasonable about that, but it's shit, hurtful behaviour by them. They could have just not offered.

I would promise to look after them when they are old and infirm and then when they needed me I'd decide that I couldn't be bothered after all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can you talk to them, really honestly?

I think that's really shitty of them. If they were so concerned, they could have done a quick bit of research before making the offer to see what kind of thing was available in the area, and if they didn't like it then they should have kept quiet.

Something similar happened to someone I know – her partner’s parents offered them a deposit for a house, and they found a place they really loved, but it was in an 'undesirable' part of London and so the parents said they wouldn't give them the money to live in that area. In actual fact, like a lot of London areas, it’s very mixed, with rough bits and more upmarket bits; you'd struggle to find somewhere that doesn't have a bit of both.

A present should be offered without strings.

I think you should. It's cruel, controlling and critical. It's really bad behaviour from them. It's no flaw to need help from a parent to get a deposit for a mortgage, I certainly expect to be providing one to my DS just as my parents did for me. It's extremely difficult to save multiple tens of thousands of pounds these days, and equity is unearned money.

Repossessions are pretty brutal.If the house was repossessed, the lender would sell it off cheaply to get their money back fast and the deposit would then be lost.They also hit you with lots of charges.

They've behaved unreasonably, they shouldn't have offered until they were certain really.

Can you live with them for a time, save money and maybe look for a better paying job?
It sounds like the housing market has shifted alot since they last looked for a house.
Does it have to be a house @hoopoemagic what about a flat or bungalow or part share?
Cheapest places near me are maisonettes or flats above fast food shops.
Take another look and widen your search area?
I would feel really let down too.
xx

I'm sorry this has happened. Pulling the rug from under your feet is not being supportive at all.

They should have done their research before making the offer. I don't really understand their logic. They wanted to help you out financially because you don't have a lot of money, but because you don't have enough income to buy in a nicer area, they have withdrawn their offer?

Also, poorer areas can often become more gentrified at some point and it is very rare that houses don't increase in value. You will probably end up in a poor area, but renting instead of buying, i.e. the worst of all worlds.

Repossession is never the bank's first step to recovering their loan. If OP lost her job she could speak to her lenders and agree a plan such as a payment holiday for a certain number of months. Banks only repossess as a last resort.

I do feel OP's parents' excuses are pretty poor though. A house even in a rough area will sell readily enough as there are always people looking for a house on a budget - look at OP, she's a good example - you wouldn't be worried about not being able to sell it again. If she lost her job she would doubtless be searching for another as quickly as possible and a decent parent wouldn't let their child and grandchild suffer if they had spare cash.

They just didn't want to give OP the money, they only wanted the kudos of offering. Otherwise they wouldn't be "put off" by pathetic non-reasons like they have. Sorry @hoopoemagic, that's not nice to hear.

I don't think that's fair. It sounds as though they are worried that OP will be stuck in a area where she isn't happy and also be unable to sell the house.
Could you find something else smaller in a better area and could you reassure your parents that you will take out insurance for paying your mortgage if you lose your job.

They probably remember the negative equity of the early 90s.

My sister got caught out. The house lost value, so the mortgage was more than the house could be sold for. She split up with her partner, and had to pay him about £10k to 'buy herself out' of the debt, i.e. the opposite of him having to buy her out, when he kept the house.

There are examples of people who lost jobs and couldn't afford to pay their mortgage, so the house was sold or repossessed, then they still owed the bank the balance of the mortgage debt, when they had no house, no job, and no savings. The only options were absconding abroad, or declaring bankruptcy or some debt-payment-plan to the mortgage company.

You take a real risk if you buy a house with less than a 15-20% deposit.

I actually think that's cruel of them to remind their offer like that! How about a maisonette/flat in a nicer area? Would the deposit allow for that?

Sorry OP. I hope it works out.

They should never have made an offer they won't follow through on. That's not at all fair.

This..its so conditional. They must know it would change your life..don't be so hard on yourself. They really don't sound that nice..if they have the money and can easily give you then of course they should help..(unless there is a backstory where you have 3 siblings who also need support and this is all their savings)

The flat idea does make sense on paper, but flats are actually relatively uncommon round here. We're north west and cheap two bed terraced with a little yard and downstairs bathroom are, metaphorically, cheap as chips. My parents would be horrified at the idea of a flat too.

They definitely do remember the early 90s! My father often talks on about selling the car and going to work on a bike when interest rates went through the roof and they've worried about how I'll afford a mortgage if it happens again. They also expressed that I'll inherit everything anyway as I'm an only child - they absolutely refuse to accept the possibility of needing to pay for care in the future, apparently they won't let it come to that.

I'm just going to have to accept it but I really do wish they'd thought it all through properly first and not offered. It was a lovely little bit of hope for a better future that I really could do with having had crushed. I still haven't got over the grief of losing the life and home I spent 15 years building with my ex so I'm not in the best place to weather another disappointment.

Oh that is sad.

Could they be persuaded to a 2 bed flat in a nice area that would be easy to sell?

Sorry - I failed to RTWT

I don't know how much money your parents have, or how much they offered to you, but whatever it was it is pretty unkind to offer and then whisk the rug out from under you like that. Don't they want their daughter AND GRANDCHILD to have a stable home?

You are very forgiving but you have the right to be quite upset about it. Maybe house prices will drop, your income might increase, then you could bring it up again? Or you could suggest that you move far away to a much cheaper area of the country as that's the only way you could have a chance to buy, or at least pay a more affordable rent? Then the thought of them not seeing you and their grandchild so much might cause them to reconsider... Is that feasible at all? Of course it depends what type of work you do, if you could make a life in another area.