To be disappointed they've changed their mind about the money?

[hoopoemagic]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents had offered to gift me a deposit for a little house for me and DS following a break up but, as I could only afford one in one of the less desirable areas, they've now changed their mind.

Totally within their rights and I've just reassured them it's totally fine but currently feeling very disappointed. I'm on my mid forties and have been left with nothing after my break up so no chance of buying now. Not the end of the world, but feeling very sad to have lost the opportunity.

Hang on, it doesn't sound AT ALL like they think you are a failure. It sounds like they had some bloody weird idea about co ownership, and are now worried about them having a hand in two properties. I can't begin to fathom their plan, but none of it suggests they think you're a failure. And you're not one!

I’m really sorry. That’s such a cruel thing for “ loving parents” to do. I certainly wouldn’t call them loving.
They should have researched the market before offering you the money
They’d be pulling your strings by saying the area is not good enough for you but not acknowledging nicer areas cost more
Have you looked at shared ownership? There are pros and cons, so have a think.

Hmm so they're sitting on £150k savings and won't give you, their only child, a deposit? Even after they offered. Not so lovely imo.

Hi OP,
Sorry you are feeling so disappointed.
It doesn't sound like there has been enough communication between you and your parents.

If I was you I wouldn't give up quite so easily. Your parents might think that you need to jointly own the house to be able to afford to buy. Find out from your broker what is the minimum deposit that you could require in order to buy somewhere that you are happy with e.g. 5% of 150K? Find out how much buying expenses solicitor/searches are likely to be. Will you have stamp duty to pay?

You might find that you can manage only borrowing or being gifted around 10K from your parents. They might be happy to lend or give you that amount and might imagine you need much more. Explain to them that you want to own the house yourself. If they part own it that would mean second home stamp duty and complicate things for you if you want to move etc. Keep talking to them.

I'm sorry op, it is disappointing. Give yourself credit, you've done a great job rebounding after a tough break up and you're an awesome mom with a good job. I think what comes across as lack of faith in you is more-so based on your parents almost extreme uptightness about money and never having enough.

In my opinion, lower priced homes are fairly risk averse bc they are more affordable for everyone, so in bad economic times they are appealing, and in good economic times the price goes up.

I don’t know why you are shouldering so much of this yourself - you are internalising it massively and blaming yourself here unnecessarily.

your parents have let you down, you haven’t done anything wrong. They clearly didn’t articulate their weird co-ownership plan with you. And if that was the idea, they could have offered more money to buy a property in an area that they deemed to be suitable.

you seem not to be able to articulate your actual feelings to them- why is that?

I also agree with others, your reactions don’t suggest such a wonderful upbringing…..

Can you not try and get some more money out of your son's dad? If he owned the home and you lived there bringing up your joint child for 15 years, surely you should have some stake in the home?

If he wants you to be geographically close to him so he can have easy access to his son, can you not explain to him that it won't be possible as you can't afford it because you may have to move back in with your parents to survive financially?

If you explain this in a nice way maybe he will help you with the deposit? Why should your parents be subsidizing before him??? Unless he's broke?

So, their plan was to jointly buy a property with them contributing the deposit and you paying the mortgage? And they are now worrying about having to maintain a second house?

In that case, why don't they offer what you originally thought they did, i.e. gifting the deposit for a house that will be in your name, and you get a mortgage and you are responsible for any maintenance because it is your house?

It sounds as though they thought a second house would be an investment opportunity rather than a home for their child and grandchild and are backing out because the return on a property in a rough area would be less than they envisaged and they don't want to be responsible for any maintenance.

This update hasn't changed my opinion that they are being unkind and unfair.

I feel for yo7 op. Having hopes raised and then dashed is so much harder than not having them raised at all.

I think you need to be logical and practical about this.

your parents clearly had a weird idea. You mention you have a mortgage offer. Work out what deposit you need. Ask your parents to loan you thr money at an interest rate below the bank rate. Communicate your repayment plan to them. How much per month, over how many years. Keep is calm and logical. Explain that this is the only way of ensuring secure housing for you and your son.

if they say yes, you can then find a place. If they say no - well, you have some thinking to do about your relationship.

The current rental climate is awful and rent prices are only going in one direction. Your parents would rather see you, a lone parent, and their grandchild live in insecure housing for years instead of giving you a way out is really horrible way of thinking.

Shared ownership is far from ideal, but I agree with others that it’s worth looking into.

Edited to add that after re-reading it looks like OP does have a deposit, just not for anywhere nice (if I’m reading this properly?).

Girls (and boys) are now taught this.

The relevant statutory guidance says that by the end of secondary school pupils should know that marriage carries legal rights and protections not available to couples who are cohabiting. See p27.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/62cea352e90e071e789ea9bf/Relationships_Education_RSE_and_Health_Education.pdf

I don't have a deposit. Moving out wiped out my paltry savings and my parents bought furniture for the house so they have helped.

They refused to consider a loan as they don't feel I can pay it back. There was some talking about the interest rate on mortgages meaning I'd pay more than I borrowed, which is a ridiculous statement compared to paying rent but I didn't bother to go into it as my mum's quite upset now. They also said they don't want the house in my name so I really do feel they think I've fucked up massively losing everything and just don't trust me.

It's just not going to work out for me.

But I don't understand why they just can't gift you the money for a deposit, if they will still have at least £150k in the bank even after giving you this amount.

They are punishing you for the crimes of your ex-partner and you should stop feeling sorry for your mum. She is manipulating you and playing the victim, when you haven't even criticised them for what they have done. They are selfish, crocodile tears.

You are the one who has the right to be upset, not her.

Are you an only child? The only possibly valid reason for them not wanting to help her own daughter and grandchild who were left in a terrible financial situation through no fault of your own, is if you have sibling(s) and they may feel that they need to be financially fair. However, even if this was the case, they could reduce your inheritance by the amount of the deposit so that your siblings didn't lose out.

You’re 40, supporting yourself and your child, in a professional job and being a great mum. Reading between the lines you’re also protecting your child from a not-great dad and still facilitating contact so that he has a good relationship. You are doing a great job and you should be proud of yourself. Your parents opinion isn’t valid here - they aren’t walking in your shoes.

You can do this on your own. It will be harder but you will feel so proud of yourself for doing it.

Go and see a really good mortgage broker and explain that you’re really credit worthy but have no deposit and ask what the minimum deposit you could buy with. Find somewhere cheap but move-intoable. And then get saving!

I agree. It sounds as though he has cheated you and your son (morally, even if the law is on his side) of your share of what should have been joint assets.

I certainly wouldn’t put myself and DC out to give your ex easier access to his child. He’s kept the money, let him spend some on travelling. If he can't be arsed, your child is better off without him. Your child deserves a secure home, as do you.

Sending you a hug, OP. You sound lovely, and are being too understanding to nasty ex and dithery parents xx

Oh OP I am so sorry at this turn of events.

Firstly you are NOT a failure in any way. You are a survivor and you should be commended for that. Others perceptions, and mis-perceptions do not change that.

Second your parents plan for them to completely own the new, second house is wrong in so many ways - why would you want to pay a mortgage for something you don't own? How would you even get a mortgage if you have no stake to stand as collateral for that? And if your parents did need care in the future whilst the family home would not be seen as assets whilst the remaining spouse lives there your home, fully owned by them most certainly would be - you would risk the home being sold to pay care costs and leaving, again, with nothing.

It's batshit plan that I think reflects your parents slightly strange, and I would say slightly naive attitude to money - just because they've accumulated a large pot of savings doesn't mean they are money savvy, just very frugal, it's not the same thing. They seem to need to "keep" their money even when they're spending it, hence "buying" you a house but wanting it in their name.

You are again displaying such kindness to them in not plainly saying to them how much of mess this plan has created but don't think your feelings don't count, you are allowed to express those too.

I do think you need to be very wary of any further "offers" of help - your parents seem to have very particular ideas of how their money should be....used, and for them to be offering what the rest of us see as an obvious choice (gift you the money for a deposit no strings attached) would represent a sea change in their attitude to money. I don't think they are going to have that.

Deep breath, back to the drawing board and perhaps a little distance from your parents and their "help" would be a good thing right now.

Theyve dangled a carrot and then got your hopes up and have now snatched it away 🤦🏻‍♀️

is there an option to move in with them to enable you to save a 5% deposit at least?

This is a good way forward. Don’t give up just yet; they have the money but might need to know there’s a plan in place.

Ah, I really feel for you. My dad did the same when ex h and I split.

I had nothing post divorce but neither did exh as we had fuck all anyway, not everyone divorces and has money and assets to split. We were renting and had little savings. There was nothing to either of us to take, bar spilling a couple of grand in premium bonds.

Anway, my dad changed his mind and decided to keep on squirrelling away telling me that I would have his money and his house when he was gone, that was his plan. Unfortunately, dementia hit him hard and fast and it was too dangerous for me to look after him, so the lot went on care home fees (nothing luxurious it was all gone in 3 years, care homes are expensive). I wish he’d helped me when he could. The only saving grace was that dementia spared him from knowing what was happening.

I'm sorry but your parents sound worse and worse with each post you make to defend them. You haven't done anything wrong. This seems like a power play with them, designed to bring you down and make you feel shit about yourself.

If they don't trust you to have a house in your own name or that you'll repay a loan, why offer help in the first place?

If I were you I wouldn't bring it up again as they'll only twist it to make you the bad guy. Just mentally note that you can't trust them in future, never ask them for a thing, and don't go out of your way for them in the future.

I think the problem is probably, as you've said yourself, in the past you've been too trusting and as a result made bad decisions. They see the bad decisions and as a result, doubt your judgement.

I have a lovely friend who is similar. She's very very sweet, but she's made some spectacularly bad decisions in the past which have totally derailed and damaged her life. And she's in the middle of making 2 more bad decisions.

In the past, I didn't say anything to her, because I didn't feel it was my place. But this time I have, and she's dismissed my points, despite my clearly having made and continuing to make better choices. Of course, it's her life and it is totally up to her, to make those choices for her life. But I wouldn't risk my money on her.

Would it be possible to let things die down a bit with your parents. Put some time between the decision and now. And quietly, be seeing a financial advisor? Asking their professional opinion and having them quietly on one side. Then when things are less emotional, asking if your parents would be prepared to listen to the point of view of an expert?

I have a lovely FA that I've used in the past and he's bluntly honest with me. I thought about selling and moving recently, but he laid out the facts and information for me so bluntly and obviously, that I've decided not to. The honesty of an expert might be able to convince your parents in a way you can't.

Talk about kicking your child when down.
Bloody hell OP.

You have every right to be very upset.
Why on earth make such an offer to withdraw it and give your confidence such a kicking while doing it.

Very unkind.

OP isn't your friend though, there's no reason to think she makes ongoing bad decisions.

I'm sorry but your parents sound worse and worse with each post you make to defend them.

Absolutely.

Tbh I know it's a shitty situation but I think the OP has dodged a very large bullet. If she had gone into shared ownership with them I can see them being very nit picky over everything she did to the house and her life would not be her own!

OP have you looked at 95% mortgages? There are more and more out there.

Saving 5% hopefully would mean just moving back with your parents for a short period. You say it would mess up the access etc…. Surely you can find a solution to this? Even a short term pain will be worth it!