To be disappointed they've changed their mind about the money?

[hoopoemagic]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents had offered to gift me a deposit for a little house for me and DS following a break up but, as I could only afford one in one of the less desirable areas, they've now changed their mind.

Totally within their rights and I've just reassured them it's totally fine but currently feeling very disappointed. I'm on my mid forties and have been left with nothing after my break up so no chance of buying now. Not the end of the world, but feeling very sad to have lost the opportunity.

I suspect this sounds like a hideous prospect but could you live with them for a bit and save the deposit? Possibly they’d reoffer to get their space back!

I'm currently in a rented house, in a rough area. They have pointed out they wouldn't want me to buy this house, not that it's for sale. We couldn't move in with them as it wouldn't be possible to maintain the current contact pattern with DS and his dad

It really isn't a case of me wanting to persuade them. I didn't ask for a handout. It was offered, unprompted, and has now been withdrawn. It's their money so that's fine, I have to accept that. I do agree with previous posters however that I am allowed to be upset that the future I thought I could access has, again, gone because of others' decisions. Obviously the lesson is that I have to only hope for things I can achieve alone but that future is bleaker and gives me less opportunity to provide for DS when he is grown. And today, that makes me very sad. I haven't shared this with my parents because I don't want them to feel guilty but I really wish they hadn't sodding offered and I hadn't got my hopes up.

I’m sorry to hear this, you must feel very deflated. Can I ask where you’re going to live now? It seems odd they would rather see you in a private rent (if that’s the case) and at the mercy of a potentially horrible landlord, rather than helping you with a “cheap as chips” property of you own. 😔

Sorry they withdrew their offer.
Did they actually do any research before making the offer or did they say it on a whim? It sounds like they either didn't know what your financial situation was like and what you would be able to afford, even with their deposit, or that they don't really know what the price of houses are in your area and were expecting better and therefore once they saw the prices suddenly panicked that what they thought would contribute to a 'nice home' in a 'nice' area wouldn't be the case.

Do you even realize you are blaming the OP to yourself feel superior? I know people often don't realize what they are doing even when it is completely obvious from the outside. I would suggest taking a look at your own choices and what has happened to make you so insecure that it builds you up to kick someone when she's down. I know everyone always says therapy is the answer but I really think you could benefit from talking this through with a professional. If you don't know what to say just print out this thread and the therapist will understand. Best of luck.

Why are they so certain they will never pay for care?!
Alarm bells and big red flags all round!

Honestly OP, you sound lovely and very understanding about why your parents might have panicked about lending you the money.

However, the truth is that, after getting your hopes up, they have pretty much abandoned you and their grandson in a rented property in a rough area, with no chance of getting on the property ladder due to being completely shafted by your ex-partner.

If I was in a position to help with a deposit for one of my children and grandchildren and if, even after gifting the deposit,I would still have at least £150,000 in the bank, I wouldn't hesitate to give them the deposit.

If my parents had done this to me, I would feel differently about them and I would probably avoid them for a while.

I'm not blaming the OP, @KierEagan at all - your post is really aggressive, so maybe you should take your own advice about self-reflection and considering your own insecurities?

I'm sympathetic about @hoopoemagic 's situation, which is why I think girls and young women need some guidance about not getting carried away by "romance" - I know I was, although luckily not financially. It's good to trust those whom we love but I think that sometimes girls & women are socialised into the "love at all costs" and somehow think it's wrong to look after themselves financially. And men benefit from that, as in the OP's case.

She's been screwed by a man whose taken advantage of her, and her parents are being overly cautious in ways that perhaps they haven't thought through in terms of looking out for their daughter & grandchild.

But back to @hoopoemagic 's dilemma - could you talk to your parents OP, about what is going to be possible for you in terns of renting or buying in your area. Can they be gently persuaded to see that not helping you will result in you having to live in a "rough" area anyway? And with a much lower standard of living because a private rental is far less secure.

Are you tied to the place you're currently living in? My home town is in north Lancs, and there are more and less desirable areas, but the so-called "less" desirable areas are actually places where there are lots of families and facilities for them. There are some really nice houses in those "less desirable" areas. It's just that the people living there are not particularly middle class. But they're totally respectable & family-oriented.

It sounds to me as though you're also nervous about talking to your parents honestly. Do you have siblings you could discuss this with? Ideas about how to approach your parents?

I remember the 15% interest rates & negative equities of the 1990s - I'd just bought my first very basic tiny house (with no heating etc). But I suspect that we won't see those sorts on interest rates again - the political fall out would be too much, because of what happened in the 90s. Good luck

I hate this ‘rough area’ thing.

I live in an area thought of as rough. Absolutely despised on MN.

It is certainly scruffy, and full of people who can’t afford more expensive areas. Like me.

People who work for charities or in the arts. People left high and dry after a divorce or split. People scraping a first home together in the most affordable housing they can find. Which often happens to be near a demography of unemployed people, migrants, moped delivery guys in HMOs (and everyone wants a delivery) and Polish and other trades people in shared housing.. and how many people depend on them while they get their third Howden kitchen upgrade in a decade…

But my area also has a solid community core.

GRRRRRRR at your parents, and may your own admirable spirit and strength see you through.

Exactly.

Could you gently suggest this to them?

So they were offering help with the deposit? Which would still leave the 150k in the bank
And now have changed their minds because they don't like the area?

Why don't they give more then? So you can get a better place.

The whole thing, including your understanding of their withdrawing the offer, seems ..odd, to say the least 🤔

OP what your parents have done is a cunts trick. Nasty. Stop reassuring them that it's fine. Tell them they're not to make offers like that again and then pull the rug. Not ever, because you wouldnt do that to one of your kids.

Personally I'd tell them you're moving to a cheaper part of the country and they're welcome to visit once you're settled. Fuck them.

Have a look at shared ownership in a better area. It will enable you to to get in the ladder and you can purchase more and more of your home gradually.

That's actually really mean. You haven't done anything wrong OP. Relationships break down for many reasons, married or not, it's irrelevant when it comes to your decision making. You could have been married and still have nothing if there where no assets.

Can you wait a bit then speak to your parents. Look at what you can afford with them in different areas and then go from there?

I really feel for you and wish they hadn't said anything.

The money for a deposit wouldn't really affect them that much, would it?

There are ways to buy without a deposit if your parents would be prepared to help you with a Barclay type springboard mortgage :

https://www.barclays.co.uk/mortgages/family-springboard-mortgage/

It seems illogical that your parents are prepared to let you rent in a poor area but not buy. With this type of mortgage their savings remain their savings so it may be more acceptable to them ?

How utterly cruel of them to offer you the money then snatch it back. Horrible people. You are far too kind about them. Why reassure them that it's OK when it's really not.

Er, no. Your child's father deserves at least 50% of the blame.

When my marriage ended here, I illegally subletted my bedroom, moved myself into my sitting room and my father said I'd deserve what I'd get if my landlord found out. I'm a landlord in my home country. It was both bizarre and hurtful. I was just trying to afford London when I was so close to having my citizenship.

I'll never forget having that conversation with him sitting in the empty bedroom I'd once shared with my husband and balling my eyes out.

I've never understood it and it took years to forgive him. They've also offered money which never materialised.

You have my warmest sympathies.

I think that's a cruel thing to do. It's their money, but they shouldn't have mentioned it unless they were absolutely gifting it to you.

Absolutely fascinating how many people here are berating the parents yet hardly a word about the child’s father who is leaving his child to be inadequately housed while the mother is still jumping through hoops to facilitate the child/father relationship after being poorly treated financially following a 15 year relationship. Why on earth do we set the bar so low for men.
Marriage is not just a piece of paper, it is a legal contract that ensures that this sort of scenario cannot happen.

Why would they be ‘horrified’ by a flat?
v odd and mean behaviour.

OP I’m sorry you are going through this. I would contact the council to see if you could be escalated for council housing as technically, you are homeless with a child.

I am however horrified your parents have withdrawn their offer of help due to essentially snobbery over where your new home would be located - if it makes you feel better once upon a time my mother, who did very VERY well from my dads estate, and my children’s Dad, who also had hidden his vast self employed earnings (£10s of thousands) from me during our relationship, both watched as I struggled to feed my children, panicked and cried over every bill, and generally I felt like topping myself.

It gets better - I promise. Remember how much your son is looking up at you and one day, without you having to say a word, he will also realise his Dad is a complete arsehole for letting you suffer. Sending huge hugs

I did not get my bottle of wine and early night. Mum rang (maybe she's on Mumsnet?) to invite me out to lunch.
She then worried at me that I was upset and explained she felt guilty. I did feel terrible - they've helped me out loads and I absolutely did not expect this gift. They offered, I was delighted and really excited. It appears I massively misunderstood as the main reason they've pulled out is that they "are worried what they are getting themselves into". They really did talk about "giving" me a deposit, using that word, but they meant buying a house together with their capital and me getting a mortgage so have been panicking about the maintenance on two houses.

Obviously this is a complete non-starter, but I'm completely astounded. How did I misunderstand this so badly?! If I'm honest, selfishly, I'm really hurt. I already feel like a complete and utter failure and what I thought was a lifeline actually just demonstrated that my lovely, lovely parents who have only ever been there for me and have total faith in me think the same.

I'm off for a bath and early night.

So they wanted to use you to get their fingers in another pie and have bottled it and lied by saying it was a deposit?

Not lovely parents.

You are not a failure OP, you're starting again after a shit time of it. You're allowed to feel crap for a bit. They shouldn't have done what they did. I'd get as far away from them as possible while you pick yourself up.