Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

[Costacosta220]

I posted about this when I fist found out but 4 weeks ago my DS aged 19 disclosed to me he had been sexually assaulted by my partners brother. I have been with partner 7 years. He lives with us. I have younger children who are early teens. I have known the brother a couple of years longer as we had a shared hobby.

My son doesn't want to report it to the police. No evidence and his word against the brothers being the reasons. PP on that thread said to be led by my son and respect his wishes. He's doing OK with everything that's happened. He simply said he doesn't wish to be on his own at any time going forward with the brother. That's a given and won't happen. The man won't ever set foot in my house again.

I told my partner who was shocked. Upset. In denial. Trying to come up with a logical explanation. Angry. Suggests perhaps his brother is gay and attracted to younger men and has 'mis read' the signs. His other two brothers and their father have been told about it. I went with him to tell one brother. And they told the other brother and father a few days ago due to logistics of getting people together in the same place. No one wanted it done over the phone . I respected this timeframe. I haven't spoken to the man who assaulted my son. I haven't contacted him or approached him.

My partner and family say the brother will be spoken to... then what ???

It's caused so many rows in my house between us. He seems massively in denial and to be honest it's pissing me off. My son has been assaulted and he's trying to come up with reasons why it's all a misunderstanding. I am angry. Absolutely boiling with furious rage.

I feel I have let My son down by not going round there and beating this c**t into next week. I want now to tell the brother I know and to tell him he either admits it to the family (so they can stop their denial and delusion) or I am going to the police and will tell everyone. I am looking to shake him up basically.

He's got away with what he's done. Scott free.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary. Eg at family gatherings when it can't be avoided. I don't like him trotting off to their hobby together or meeting up for finner etc. Its complicated by the fact they own a property together. Which the brother lives in and My partner stays at from time to time. He lives with us 95% of the time.

My partner has his family to speak to and he sees a Counsellor every few weeks (long before this happened ) so he has a safe space to discuss. I don't.. no one knows and I cannot tell my family. All hell will break lose. My family would 100 per cent cut off someone who did something like this if it was in our family. They have done before. Also my son doesn't want people knowing. Sadly there is a stigma about this kind of thing and he doesn't want it getting out.

I am just turning on my partner. I know its not his fault the blame lies with one person. But having a chat with the brother. Then what ? Nothings going to change. It will just be swept under the carpet won't it.

I am fucking angry and feel it's incredibly fucking disloyal to me and my son.

Any advice and sorry for the swearing but I am so so angry

She is asking for support to navigate a complex issue. Half the posters on here don’t seem grasp that.

we grasp it

we find it utterly unfathomable it’s not an instinctual reaction to get this partner out of the home of her children

Have you told your partner that because of their (non) reaction you are going to have to leave (or him, don't know who owns the house)?

What did he say?

Are you saying the children are at risk from a person because they are related to an abuser?

that is nonsense.

what I’m saying is that the OP isn’t letting down her kids because her partner continues to live with her at the moment.

going forward, the relationship is doomed because the DP won’t accept what his brother has done and cut him off.

long term, staying with DP would damage OP’s relationship with her adult son and set a bad example for her kids.

as I said, it’s complex and horrible situation.

making out the OP is letting paedophiles hang out with her kids is ridiculous and this type of reaction is exactly why victims of sa in families often keep quiet. ( I say that as someone who experienced sexual abuse as a child and I have zero tolerance for condoning abusers.)

The OP started this thread because she feels the relationship is over but is reeling over what happened. You don’t have to slag her off.

you are talking as if the partner is the attacker. he isn’t. Not letting the abuser anywhere near her kids is the instinctual response. that is what OP is doing.

the DP is an idiot and is in denial. But it’s common for people to disbelieve that a loved one is capable of being an abuser. But if he can’t cut off his brother then can’t see how OP can have a relationship with him.

And you are wilfully disregarding my wider point.

Are you saying the children are at risk from a person because they are related to an abuser?
that is nonsense.

hands up! I do

Why? Shows a level of selfishness and poor judgement that would indicate this person is NOT someone I want around my child let alone living with my child

what I’m saying is that the OP isn’t letting down her kids because her partner continues to live with her at the moment

you’re pretty much on your own with that view @Emptybookshelves3 (thank goodness)

You really aren’t reading what I said are you?

I’ve said the OP needs to end the relationship if he won’t change his mind about his brother and cut him off.

but her children are not in immediate danger because their step dad’s brother has sexually assaulted an adult. He is banned from the home.

but the number of judgemental arseholes on this thread is unbelievable. I’d be interested to see how many of you would immediately split up with your DH in the same situation. ( lots of you I suspect are the ‘not my Nigel’ brigade- but its exactly people like your Nigel who condone abusers)

To not acknowledge that this is a painful (while also inevitable) decision for OP shows a lack of empathy and compassion for OP.

I agree with this

Leave your partner. Report brother to the police instantly.
Sorry, but not doing so leaves potential for him to do this again to somebody else. I understand your son is reluctant. But he is witnessing you staying with the brother of this low life who has done the worst possible thing to him. It would be different if DP was supportive and making the right gestures (confronting brother, cutting him off). Sorry but him not doing those things suggests that ultimately he doesn’t believe brother is in the wrong. So you need rid of him instantly.

You do need to break up with him because it is very difficult for some people to take the steps that absolutely need to be taken. But you are getting a very hard time here from posters who are so unequivocally SURE they know what they would do. You are reeling from this grenade that has been detonated in your life. You need to process…you are processing what has happened. It’s very complex and hard to navigate.

My brother sexually assaulted me when I was 24. I told my divorced parents and the general line to this day, 20 years later, is he was drunk, he didn’t know what he was doing, he was very messed up in those days. I cut contact with my brother completely but my parents didn’t and they didn’t tell anyone else in the family. I slowly watched myself disappear from the family because it was me that refused to be in the same room as him so it was me that didn’t go to family events or meet ups. I didn’t see him for ten years until I had to choose between not going to my Nan’s funeral or seeing him.

It wasn’t that they closed ranks against me. They just didn’t want to have to deal with it so it was never mentioned, never addressed and never brought up in relation to whether he would be included.

I think it will be very hard for your partner’s family to take any action. And I would imagine it would become harder and harder for your partner to have any conviction to draw any lines. My own parents couldn’t. They were horrified at first, they did check on my welfare and expressed upset at what he did to me. They talked a lot about ensuring space from him, and supporting me. But within a few months, the first few sounds of excuses on his behalf began.

Now it’s been completely re-branded as an accident.

It won’t work, it just can’t work. He will turn to denial and the assault will be turned into something else. So yes you need to leave him, it was over as soon as the assault happened, really. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your son. You deserve grace at this time, you are handling a lot.