Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

[Costacosta220]

I posted about this when I fist found out but 4 weeks ago my DS aged 19 disclosed to me he had been sexually assaulted by my partners brother. I have been with partner 7 years. He lives with us. I have younger children who are early teens. I have known the brother a couple of years longer as we had a shared hobby.

My son doesn't want to report it to the police. No evidence and his word against the brothers being the reasons. PP on that thread said to be led by my son and respect his wishes. He's doing OK with everything that's happened. He simply said he doesn't wish to be on his own at any time going forward with the brother. That's a given and won't happen. The man won't ever set foot in my house again.

I told my partner who was shocked. Upset. In denial. Trying to come up with a logical explanation. Angry. Suggests perhaps his brother is gay and attracted to younger men and has 'mis read' the signs. His other two brothers and their father have been told about it. I went with him to tell one brother. And they told the other brother and father a few days ago due to logistics of getting people together in the same place. No one wanted it done over the phone . I respected this timeframe. I haven't spoken to the man who assaulted my son. I haven't contacted him or approached him.

My partner and family say the brother will be spoken to... then what ???

It's caused so many rows in my house between us. He seems massively in denial and to be honest it's pissing me off. My son has been assaulted and he's trying to come up with reasons why it's all a misunderstanding. I am angry. Absolutely boiling with furious rage.

I feel I have let My son down by not going round there and beating this c**t into next week. I want now to tell the brother I know and to tell him he either admits it to the family (so they can stop their denial and delusion) or I am going to the police and will tell everyone. I am looking to shake him up basically.

He's got away with what he's done. Scott free.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary. Eg at family gatherings when it can't be avoided. I don't like him trotting off to their hobby together or meeting up for finner etc. Its complicated by the fact they own a property together. Which the brother lives in and My partner stays at from time to time. He lives with us 95% of the time.

My partner has his family to speak to and he sees a Counsellor every few weeks (long before this happened ) so he has a safe space to discuss. I don't.. no one knows and I cannot tell my family. All hell will break lose. My family would 100 per cent cut off someone who did something like this if it was in our family. They have done before. Also my son doesn't want people knowing. Sadly there is a stigma about this kind of thing and he doesn't want it getting out.

I am just turning on my partner. I know its not his fault the blame lies with one person. But having a chat with the brother. Then what ? Nothings going to change. It will just be swept under the carpet won't it.

I am fucking angry and feel it's incredibly fucking disloyal to me and my son.

Any advice and sorry for the swearing but I am so so angry

@Costacosta220 I also wish people would read what I have written.

Have we all missed the part where you've said you've ended the relationship and blocked the whole family, including your EX partner.

Because so far all I'm seeing is you making excuses for your partner,which is absolutely disgusting.

His mother does believe him, and it is horrific. But reading it through the internet and living it in real life are two different matters. I’m not saying the op is 100% correct in how she’s dealing with her husband’s reaction, but in realtime this is still all extremely raw. The op is not just trying to support her son through an extremely traumatic event, she’s also looking at losing her husband/family unit as a fallout. Can you not see at all the desperation in trying to hold on to normality? It’s very easy to berate the op from behind a screen, saying they would instantly kick out their husband. People don’t respond naturally to hearing something so awful.

For those advocating telling the police, her son is an ADULT and doesn’t want to. His wishes come first here.
Secondly conviction rates are extremely low especially when it’s a crime of this nature so it won’t go anywhere in all likelihood.
On the relationship side though, it’s very tricky. It sounds like the family are taking it seriously but are not going to freeze him out.
The question is whether that’s enough for you or if you need to end this. Talking to a charity that deals with sexual abuse survivors may help you.
Sometimes it’s worth being clear in your mind what you’d like to see happen, what would be acceptable to you and where the red line of acceptability is.
Good luck OP. Not an easy situation.

You are failing to take into consideration that the son really likes the partner, possibly even loves him. He will feel responsible and guilty for the breakdown of the relationship even though it's not his fault.

Black and white thinking rarely suits any real life situations.

And, to be honest, asking the masses, with their varying opinions, experiences, values, knee jerk responses and, truthfully, comprehension skills which range from excellent to scarily poor, isn't the best way to determine a course of action.

Everyone is in shock. Everyone is processing. A knee jerk response is rarely a good thing. Everyone involved needs time to work through the feelings that this bomb in their lives has caused. It doesn't happen overnight - it's very similar to the stages of grief, the first of which is denial.

Knowing someone you love did something horrific is one thing, it takes the brain time to catch up and process, because denial is the NATURAL response. But it's only one stage of the process. People who don't understand that are lucky, because it means they have no direct experience.

It also means they have no knowledge or right to be berating others or instructing them on what they should do, when they're going through it.

It's all too easy to be righteous when it's not your family.

OP - I'm sorry you're going through this, I would highly recommend you talk to professionals in this field, rather than the baying masses of Mumsnet.

Sending love and support to you all.

I have a 19 year old son too. He is still young and finding his way in life, still needing guidance though legally an adult. I’d be just as devastated by a sexual assault on him as if it happened to my daughter.

This will likely affect your DS for the rest of his life. He probably doesn’t want you and your partner to break up because he doesn’t want to be the reason you will then be alone without a partner and possibly unhappy because of that. So he is protecting everyone, including keeping the police out of it. This is such a difficult burden for a young person and your partner, being older, should step up and go no contact with this brother.

OP, sharing this link on communities that enable abuse, which you might find interesting.

You have great instincts here. I hope you find the best way through for you and your son.

It up to your son if he wants to report it or not. He's an adult. He's the victim. I wouldn't want to make him feel less in control. It's his choice. Although, I'd strongly encourage it because this could be a patten of predatory behaviour. This man has know your son since he was a pre teen.

When these things happen in families the do tend to be swept under the carpet. People don't want to damage the family relationship or the families reputation. However, your partner should be more concerned about your son who he's know since he was 12 than his relationship with his brother. His brother touched your son inappropriately. Itscnot an accident. It's not a joke. It not excusable. It can't be explained away. Your partner need to stop try to excuse it or talk it away. Realistically, i could continue a relationship with him because I couldn't look at him the same. He's meant to love, protect and priorities you. Going and having a jolly chat with his pervert brother isn't doing that. It's a message to the world IMO.

I am a victim of CSA. My parents tried to get me to invite my abuser to my wedding. My grandparents refuse to attend because he wasn't invited. There was a lot of " how will it look if you don't invite him". I said I don't give a fuck it's my day and I won't have him there and subject myself to him and also how will it look if I do invite him? Like it's okay?

As PP have said;
Of course your son should have control over who hears his story and who doesn’t, but he doesn’t get to control how you respond to it.

Either your partner cuts his brother off, or you cut your partner off. You can’t demand he cuts off his brother, and he’s already told you that he won’t/can’t.
SO, you have to get rid of him and cut him off, out of your life, forever. That’s it. Done.

I know you are not i tending it to come across this way but this sounds like you are minimising with each post. Regardless of your sons age this man sexually assaulted your son and your partner and his family are OK with continuing to socialise with him! Absolutely not, end the relationship, remove these people feom your life. Your son won't ask you to do this but I guarantee that he will feel better when you do. Should your son never attend family gatherings again because the brother may be there? That is the choice being made. Help your son move on by removing these people from his life. Your DPs excuses are ridiculous, sexual assault has little to do with sexuality, repressed gay men don't routinely abuse younger men, predatory men do!

@Costacosta220 thank you for the extra info. I agree with you re police, convictions etc etc.
Your doing a brilliant job supporting your son.

You need to kick the "partner" out, he is OK with his brother having assaulted your son, there is no coming back from that.

Get your son some counselling to ensure he is comfortable with his next steps around reporting this.

This is a really difficult situation, and whilst I understand the whole LTB being screamed here, we have to remember there is an entire family here who will be affected by this. The young teen children who have had this guy in their lives from a young age will presumably be upset if the family breaks up too. OP’s partner is in an impossible situation too. Cutting off his brother could lead to him losing his entire family, that’s not an easy decision to make, even with the abhorrent things his brother has done. We’d all like to think we’d walk away from family for something like this but unless we are in that situation it is impossible to say we would.

That said, ultimately the relationship is doomed unless he turns his back on his brother, and OP is clear about that, so let’s leave off suggesting she is a terrible mother for not having packed her bags and leaving immediately.

@Costacosta220I know this is really tough, you want the guy to pay for what he has done. You are doing the right thing by supporting your son in his decisions. Reporting an assault can be a traumatic thing to do. If he is comfortable with not taking it further and reporting it to the police, you need to re-frame your anger and focus your energies on moving on. Maybe, in time, your son will decide to report it, but for now that’s not what is important. Ranting here should have been the cathartic thing you needed but the MN vipers have decided to blame you for the actions of two men. You are not to blame for any of this.

At what point has it been said the partner was ok with it?

If you stay this is what I’m picturing..
A couple more years of.. My brothers on his own this Christmas, he didn’t really mean it you know.. Excuse after excuse to down play that his brother likes to sexually assault people.
Few years down the line.. You get called into work unexpectedly and your partner is left alone with your younger children. He was meant to meet his brother that day for lunch but can’t make it now because your not at home.. A phone call later.. Just come round to mine bruv, she won’t be back for hours and she’s over dramatic anyway.
Hey presto, Another one of your children having to deal with this creep.
He doesn’t give a shit about your son or his disgust would match your own.
His family have shown you who they are, believe them.

He is wanting to still see the brother, he allows the brother to continue living in the shared property, he has begun minimising events, and he has been talking about misunderstandings. Each of these individually show that he is FINE with the behaviour. Collectively it's conclusive.

He’s ok with it as he’s treated his brother like it didn’t happen.

This is EXACTLY what happens and it’s very easy to see why when you read some of the replies on here.

Your son is a young adult still navigating the world so he needs you to take control. The only thing you can do is ask your partner to leave. Plus encourage your son to make a police statement as the brother will only go on to abuse further. It must be really hard situation for you but if you don’t do something now then your son is potentially in line for severe mental health consequences. I wish him well and wish you strength x

You are a great dm. You believed your ds immediately.

I only have experience with a small dc being assaulted but I was told (via dc's therapist) that it being dealt with ASAP was vital for long term recovery.. Having the family still in your ds's life won't be helpful in this. Given they are happy to have it brushed under the carpet means you need to take action.. If ds won't report it to the police you can aid his recovery by removing the lot of them. Imo.

Reading through all comments.
Partner and his brother own the house jointly. Not a case of him throwing his brother out. He would need his brother to buy him out or sell up.

Sometimes I was a thread and the OP’s response to a situation is so unfathomable to me that I’m left scratching my head in horrified disbelief

this is one of those

I don't know what I'd do if I heard one of my brothers had sexually assaulted a young person. In my family it's normal to make disapproval clear, and we argue, but it's very rare to cut contact. I'm sympathetic to your partner in that regard.

If I had personal responsibilities to the young person, I'd obviously ensure my brother had no further access to them. You've done this and your partner supports it. I really sympathise with your predicament - and, yes, it may mean the end of your relationship. I feel you're right to wait a while until the shock settles, you've been able to talk more and you've decided whether you want to make him choose between his sex-pest brother and you.

I agree it would be better for DS to report the incident, not necessarily in the expectation of action but so that it's marked against the perpetrator's name. As you know, information permits patterns to be formed and sexual offenders tend to escalate.

You sound like a great mum. Wishing you and DS all the appropriate support you may need.

@GarlicSmile but it's very rare to cut contact.

these disagreements you’ve had with family members… anything even remotely close to this horrific situation?

You mention your partner's having counselling.
Have you considered counselling for yourself to help you get your head round this?
Your title says you think your relationship is over but in your comments you don't seem minded to leave.

Nope. Because your reaction was unhelpful, and I stand by mine.