Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

[Costacosta220]

I posted about this when I fist found out but 4 weeks ago my DS aged 19 disclosed to me he had been sexually assaulted by my partners brother. I have been with partner 7 years. He lives with us. I have younger children who are early teens. I have known the brother a couple of years longer as we had a shared hobby.

My son doesn't want to report it to the police. No evidence and his word against the brothers being the reasons. PP on that thread said to be led by my son and respect his wishes. He's doing OK with everything that's happened. He simply said he doesn't wish to be on his own at any time going forward with the brother. That's a given and won't happen. The man won't ever set foot in my house again.

I told my partner who was shocked. Upset. In denial. Trying to come up with a logical explanation. Angry. Suggests perhaps his brother is gay and attracted to younger men and has 'mis read' the signs. His other two brothers and their father have been told about it. I went with him to tell one brother. And they told the other brother and father a few days ago due to logistics of getting people together in the same place. No one wanted it done over the phone . I respected this timeframe. I haven't spoken to the man who assaulted my son. I haven't contacted him or approached him.

My partner and family say the brother will be spoken to... then what ???

It's caused so many rows in my house between us. He seems massively in denial and to be honest it's pissing me off. My son has been assaulted and he's trying to come up with reasons why it's all a misunderstanding. I am angry. Absolutely boiling with furious rage.

I feel I have let My son down by not going round there and beating this c**t into next week. I want now to tell the brother I know and to tell him he either admits it to the family (so they can stop their denial and delusion) or I am going to the police and will tell everyone. I am looking to shake him up basically.

He's got away with what he's done. Scott free.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary. Eg at family gatherings when it can't be avoided. I don't like him trotting off to their hobby together or meeting up for finner etc. Its complicated by the fact they own a property together. Which the brother lives in and My partner stays at from time to time. He lives with us 95% of the time.

My partner has his family to speak to and he sees a Counsellor every few weeks (long before this happened ) so he has a safe space to discuss. I don't.. no one knows and I cannot tell my family. All hell will break lose. My family would 100 per cent cut off someone who did something like this if it was in our family. They have done before. Also my son doesn't want people knowing. Sadly there is a stigma about this kind of thing and he doesn't want it getting out.

I am just turning on my partner. I know its not his fault the blame lies with one person. But having a chat with the brother. Then what ? Nothings going to change. It will just be swept under the carpet won't it.

I am fucking angry and feel it's incredibly fucking disloyal to me and my son.

Any advice and sorry for the swearing but I am so so angry

My son wasn't raped. I did not say that.

His brother was play fighting / horse play with my son and touched him inappropriately which is sexual assault. All day long it is. I believe the hugging / play fighting was a way of getting close to him and hiding in plain sight. I have said this quite clearly to my partner. But this is what seems to have confused him. He's said are you sure he wasn't mucking about and touched him by accident .

Abusers are very clever and will groom and find a way to get close to someone. Which is what I believe happened. But someone play fighting is a very covert under the radar way of committing an assault.

This will stay with your son forever.

if you don’t leave you partner your son will remember how you didn’t protect and stick up for him, it will damage your relationship and there will be no going back.

Speaking from experience.

of course your son has said he does not want your partner to break off contact with his brother- he has said this for your sake.

Right I am done with this thread. Even though you now say you are going to leave him it’s obvious you are looking for validation to stay with him. Please get your son some therapy so he might get the strength in the future to start his life over without the people who have betrayed him.

You can't stay with him, OP. He's an enabler, and doesn't believe your son.

One day your son might have children, then it will click with him how truly awful it is that his mum didn't leave his abuser.

Another first post to try to stir this up and stress the poor OP out. So predictable on MN. How can this possibly be their fault?!

You need to end it with your partner, and in no way should you put this on your son. Don’t ask what he thinks. Of course he will want to keep things as they are. He won’t want to rock the boat.

But you need to end things with your partner. It’s non negotiable. You cannot continue a relationship with him. Your son will thank you for this in the future.

Also, if this hobby gives the brother access to young men then I think you should tell the leader - at least they’ll know. They don’t have to do anything with the information, nor do they have to believe it, but even just hearing it might be enough for them to keep an eye out and step in if they see something inappropriate.

My son and partner get on great and always have done. My partner has spoken to him about what happened. I was there.

I have explained why he should report it and the importance it could have in future. He said he wanted some time to think but wanted the other brothers and father told .

My son so far simply has said he doesn't want to be on his own with the brother. As I say he won't be . The man won't ever come in the house again. He didn't come round loads anyway . Last may was the last time.

My son also said I was put of order expecting him to cut his brother off . He seems to think my anger is OTT and I am being unfair to my partner.

It's making me doubt myself.

My partner spoke to his Counsellor last week and the feeling was they see my stance but I don't have the right to ask or expect he cuts him off. It's all a total head fuck and mess . If the brother admits what he's done the blinkers will fall from the families eyes. They will have to accept what he is.

I don't know whether to approach the brother.. my safety won't be in jeopardy or anything. But I want that dirty bustard to face me for what he's done

Jesus. Wtf are you still with your partner? I would fucking murder someone who sexually assaulted my kids. Not go ah well it's his brother, he can't cut him off. Yes, the fuck he can! If he doesn't, you should be cutting HIM off.

😲

He won’t admit it. You’re deluded if you think this.

He groomed your son, he likely has groomed many others. He’s manipulative and plays the victim, you’ve said as much. Why would he admit it? Sex offenders deny, deny, deny. They shift the blame and twist reality.

I haven't bloody said that. Have you actually read anything i have written

This sums it up perfectly.

im so sorry this has happened to your son. When this happened in our family, every single one of us supported the victim. No minimising, no excuses. And they felt safe and protected. And that’s how it should be. If any of my family had tried to minimise or excuse any of it they too would have been cut out!.

in fact I’d go so far as to say that any person who can effectively forgive or minimise sexual assault and still have a relationship with the perpetrator would in fact become a worry to me. It’d say a lot to me about their view on s/a and I’d be very wary of them .

Your relationship has to end, not just because of your partners reaction but because your partner is related to a perpetrator of sexual abuse to your son.

Your son will be reminded of the assault everytime he looks at or hears about your partner. It will, at best, extend the time and pain he is experiencing. Your son comes first.

Op you said you’ve not even asked your partner to cut him off. That’s shocking to me

You absolutely need to end the relationship OP. Your son should never ever have to be in a room (alone or not!) with that man again and if your partner isn’t 100% on board with that and willing to cut him out of his life then he needs to go as well. And that’s it really, there’s nothing else to say or do. He doesn’t want to go to the police that’s fine and completely his valid choice to make but no he shouldn’t have to see the man again, even in family gatherings.

Why are you still with your partner OP?

His first reaction for to try to deny or minimise his brother's action and to question your son's version of the events and he is still enabling his brother to get away with it.

Never put a man above the welfare of your kids.

Personally I would have stopped all contact with him and his family straight away.

You are also being unfair by seemingly putting the burden on your son to tell you to do this.

''@SaladSandwichesForTea ·
Your son will be reminded of the assault everytime he looks at or hears about your partner. It will, at best, extend the time and pain he is experiencing. Your son comes first.''

Exactly!

OP you are also teaching your son with your behaviour that his boundaries can be violated without any consequences for the perpetrator. That's not a message you want him to take on into adulthood...

@Costacosta220 Id ask to get your thread moved, AIBU only leads to completely misreading and misinterpreting your words, or like @Curioushoney coming out with their own vile comments because it’s a fun drama to them and not a real situation that you’re dealing with as best you can. You’re obviously trying to follow your son’s lead, but also trying to hold on to your own normality. Absolutely no one knows how they’d react to SA happening in their family until it happens. It’s all well and good these posters saying they’d be on a warpath, cutting off every last person associated with the accused. The complications of reality are so much different. As long as the brother is cut off from your family, at the moment supporting your son is the only thing to focus on.

I agree @Curioushoney

The partner would be out of my life in these circumstances. The partner's denial of sexual assault and maintaining a relationship with the perpetrator is dreadful. I wouldn't be able to look at him again, let alone sleep with him!

I am so sorry op it is an extremely confusing and emotive time for you all. Your first priority is to protect your son which I believe you are doing. Your partner is still processing the enormity of what his brother has done and I would say is not quite there yet. My cousin was arrested, convicted and imprisoned for having child abuse images on his pc. It completely blindsided the entire family we all dealt with it completely differently, we only found out when it got to court because he was named so his immediate family had to let us all know. Each of us dealt with it very differently and some do still maintain contact despite the horrific crime. Your son was sexually assaulted at an event which seems to have nothing to do with your home, you didn't invite him in to our home he was at a hobby, he is an adult and he has explained how he wants to deal with this. I would try and separate who did it and try and explore how you would react and what you would do if this person was not known to you. Go with that, try not to get caught up with the link between the abuser and your partner that is confusing you and muddying the waters.
Set the boundaries for your partner what is your red line? You can't force him to go no contact that is his decision but you need to decide what it would mean to your son if this person is still hanging around in the background. I am so sorry that this has brought immense trauma to you, your family and your poor son. I think some of the responses are unfair it is clear you want to do the best by your son but still unsure what that is. I would encourage your son to seek help from a sexual assault charity for therapeutic and professional support on what his options are.

Yes I have. This part here specifically.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary.

I honestly can't believe you haven't told him to cut the brother off or to get out and don't come back. What a pathetic excuse for a father. He sexually abused his son fgs!

OP you are in an awful position.
You are doing the right thing by your son. You believed him (the most important thing) and are giving him his power back letting him decide whether it is reported or not. Believe me he will never ever forget you were there for him.
For a 19 year old to have told his mum that this has happened means that it has had a profound effect on him. The way he has described it to you (as a result of horseplay) may be his way of making it less awful to himself.
The relationship with your partner is a different thing. Your partner has let you down in the worst way. He isn't there supporting you as you go through one of the worst situations a parent can go through. His reaction should have been to give you everything you needed and more, no matter what the personal cost. He failed. He has failed you and your child.
Will you ever trust him to stand by you?

But he’s not cut off from the family. They don’t want to cut him off. That’s the whole issue.

Also the OP is aware her family has been groomed and is letting it continue.

Yes none of us. Me my son my other kids wouldnt go to anything he was at. It disgusts me my partner would even want to be in the same room as him. I am appalled by it and to be honest hoping reality sinks in the scales fall from his eyes and he comes to the same conclusion himself. He seems to be in a massive state of shock denial and not able to cope with what he's been told. Because the entire family have made excuses for brothers shit manipulative behaviour his whole life I guess they are all deeply entrenched in those roles now. I think he's scared his brother might try taking his own life and he will feel guilty. As I say it's all a fucked up awful nightmare .

I have been very clear brushing this under the carpet helps no one and will come back to haunt them all. He doesn't seem to be able to accept what I am saying.

As I say he's not seen his brother or been around him at all. But long term I have no idea what happens. His brother in my eyes should be locked up and shunned by everyone everywhere . That's my view

Nothing other than cutting him off is acceptable.

Bad taste in your mouth? Your child has been abused! Your partner should be out the door if he wants to maintain a relationship with an abuser/paedophile.

You need time and space to work out what to do, and that means what you want to do and the possible repercussions for your life. Contact rape crisis services and they should be able to point you in the direction of some support for you.
Are the younger DCs from this or an earlier relationship?
At v least, ask your partner to give you space by moving out for a bit.
It sounds as if it at base it is either your partner cuts all contact with the brother or the relationship ends. You need to think through what either of those would look like for you