Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

[Costacosta220]

I posted about this when I fist found out but 4 weeks ago my DS aged 19 disclosed to me he had been sexually assaulted by my partners brother. I have been with partner 7 years. He lives with us. I have younger children who are early teens. I have known the brother a couple of years longer as we had a shared hobby.

My son doesn't want to report it to the police. No evidence and his word against the brothers being the reasons. PP on that thread said to be led by my son and respect his wishes. He's doing OK with everything that's happened. He simply said he doesn't wish to be on his own at any time going forward with the brother. That's a given and won't happen. The man won't ever set foot in my house again.

I told my partner who was shocked. Upset. In denial. Trying to come up with a logical explanation. Angry. Suggests perhaps his brother is gay and attracted to younger men and has 'mis read' the signs. His other two brothers and their father have been told about it. I went with him to tell one brother. And they told the other brother and father a few days ago due to logistics of getting people together in the same place. No one wanted it done over the phone . I respected this timeframe. I haven't spoken to the man who assaulted my son. I haven't contacted him or approached him.

My partner and family say the brother will be spoken to... then what ???

It's caused so many rows in my house between us. He seems massively in denial and to be honest it's pissing me off. My son has been assaulted and he's trying to come up with reasons why it's all a misunderstanding. I am angry. Absolutely boiling with furious rage.

I feel I have let My son down by not going round there and beating this c**t into next week. I want now to tell the brother I know and to tell him he either admits it to the family (so they can stop their denial and delusion) or I am going to the police and will tell everyone. I am looking to shake him up basically.

He's got away with what he's done. Scott free.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary. Eg at family gatherings when it can't be avoided. I don't like him trotting off to their hobby together or meeting up for finner etc. Its complicated by the fact they own a property together. Which the brother lives in and My partner stays at from time to time. He lives with us 95% of the time.

My partner has his family to speak to and he sees a Counsellor every few weeks (long before this happened ) so he has a safe space to discuss. I don't.. no one knows and I cannot tell my family. All hell will break lose. My family would 100 per cent cut off someone who did something like this if it was in our family. They have done before. Also my son doesn't want people knowing. Sadly there is a stigma about this kind of thing and he doesn't want it getting out.

I am just turning on my partner. I know its not his fault the blame lies with one person. But having a chat with the brother. Then what ? Nothings going to change. It will just be swept under the carpet won't it.

I am fucking angry and feel it's incredibly fucking disloyal to me and my son.

Any advice and sorry for the swearing but I am so so angry

I think you’re probably in shock and it’ll take you a while to process this fully. Then you will realise that you have no choice but to end your relationship. I’ve no doubt that if you don’t end it now, you will at some point. Things will never be the same between you and your partner again.

So you’re still willing to be in the same room as this sick bastard at family gatherings because ‘it can’t be avoided’ ? It absolutely can be avoided. 100% avoided. Sorry your son had to go through this op, time to leave your partner, bags packed and off he fucks. Today.

Your partner's brother sexually assaulted your son and your partner isn't willing to cut his brother off? I'm afraid that I would not be able to continue the relationship. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who puts his relationship with his brother before his relationship with your son.

You are not unreasonable to be furious and wanting to lash out at the man who assaulted your son. That is a completely natural reaction. I don't see how your relationship can survive this if your partner is wanting to continue to have his brother in his life.

@Curioushoney

'The brother was able to sexually abuse a very young boy

and now the OP tells her partner and her partner doesn’t cut links and the Op is still with him??!

this entire family would be out of my children’s lives forever from within an hour of my DS confiding in me'

19 isn't a very young boy. He's an adult male. At that age my son was travelling all over the world. You can't blame the op over the young man being assaulted.

However, I do agree with you that the op should finish it with her partner and cut all ties to him and his family in order to support her son.

I do think though that she should be pushing him to go to the police so that even if nothing is done through lack of evidence, it has been recorded as a complaint which may be taken into account if others report the man for assault.

I haven’t seen any mention that the brother has been allowed near the OP’s children since this has come out? Happy to be pointed out where I’m wrong. Or are you accusing her husband/other family members of grooming as well?

It’s been said that he will be there but not alone with them.

Yes got it in one.

My exact words wereyour more worried about tip toeing around a 40 year old nonce than my son who's only just out of childhood who you have known since he was 12 years old . Fuck your brother he's lucky he's still breathing air.

It's disgraceful .

I am trying to be mindful of others involved

I also wish people would read what I have written.

My partner is not my sons father.

I haven't asked my son what I should do regards my relatinship. At all. I haven't and never would. I asked my son if he had thought anymore on going to the police. Pp on my other thread very clearly said I should he led by him not influence him and not pressure him. So I haven't. If It were down to me it would have been reported the same day I was told.

I simply said to my son I personally think that C**t should be cut off dead by (partners name) brother or not. I wouldn't even want to breathe the same air as him. And thats when my son said your being completely unfair its his brother. I don't know if I could cut one of my siblings off. He's an adult with his own thoughts feelings and opinions. We don't always agree that's for sure.

Are any of your children your partners? Would it be different for them if it happened to one of them?

The entire post is my son is so important but but but, and yet you haven’t ended your relationship? What do you need time to think and dither about? Get rid of your partner and your kids will never have to be in their presence again. But no, typical woman places man first. No excuses whatsoever why you haven’t left or kicked him out already.

It hasn't at all.
I was told I needed to find out if he's done this to my other kids. I said there's no chance as he has never ever been alone with them. And he won't be in future . He won't ever see them full stop. He had the alone time with older son due to a hobby and the fact they are both adults and my son Met up with him one day .

Would be helpful if people actually read properly and stopped making things up

Because those who have not lived it cannot possibly say they would do XYZ in a situation. They can THINK they know, but they really don’t, just like the posters who say they would leave their OH if they cheated etc., then when it happens they come back and say “oh, I always thought I’d leave but…”

It’s pure ignorance, that’s all.

No my partner doesn't have children. Mine are from my previous relationship. Their father isn't around.

I can't answer what they would do if it was their own family . Neither can they in all honesty .

The brother has done something that makes him a risk to others. Is 18/19 a child or young adult or adult? It's people who are at risk...
The hobby involves people.
No one should be at risk from this brother.
Your son should report the incident. It's been a significant issue and may well continue to affect his life. Telling the police will be stressful.

Your relationship is another thing entirely. You are free to end things with someone at any time for any reason.
You could hope your partner will cut off the brother but he won't. Blood is thicker than water I'm afraid. The ties that bind us are annoyingly tough to break. In a years time your partner will have completely minimised this matter.
They will justify it as something trivial and not worthy of reporting it to the police.
This means your son will be more affected by it going forward than otherwise.

How tied to your partner are you? How could you ease away?

I would just ditch the partner and the whole disgusting lot of his family.

Not a chance they would be near my child minimising something so serious and deplorable.

Their reaction, or should I say lack of reaction would be a massive red flag that they knew about him before this was disclosed.

i hope your DS can move on with his life.

You are mad to even consider staying with this man. He knows his brother has abused your son & he doesn’t give a fuck

The op and her son cannot be dictated to who they will see, if told that the brother will be at an event I’m sure they will make a decision whether to go. Her son is fully in his rights not to report but people here are being extremely righteous in their responses. If anyone here was told their brother/father/husband inappropriately touched a teen I bet most people would start mental gymnastics in those first few weeks as well. Because it’s never ‘our David’ who’s capable of it. I’m not saying that is the right response, I’m trying to point out that it’s a very difficult situation to take on board. It will take a long time for the family to come to terms with the fact that their closest relative abused a young man.

You are getting a hard time OP and a lot of people aren't reading your posts properly but I DO agree that in your shoes I couldn't even look at anyone minimising this mans behaviour let alone the man himself and that does include your partner.
Sounds like you don't live together or have kids together so leaving him shouldn't be too hard and of course your son will not encourage you too, he probably feels that he would be responsible for destroying your relationship but it is actually your partner who has done that.
MIL's partner SA a family member who was a young adult and the rest of the families reaction changed how I felt about them despite me and MIL being pretty close previously. I was never in the same postcode as him again and avoided the rest of them until MIL finally dumped him (for another reason).

Did your son give you permission to speak to the other brothers and the father?

Yes the relationship is over, thankfully your partner owns his own property. I suggest he moves out today to allow you and your son time to think and decide what works for you and him.

''@Totallytoti · Today 09:13 The entire post is my son is so important but but but,''

Exactly.

I am sorry OP but all your updates are just the same: excuses.The reality is that you are still with your partner although he took the side of the person who sexually assaulted your son.

Most people on this thread are rightly questioning why you are doing this.

Your son should report the incident.
Yes in theory but as a mum and someone who has seen how sexual assault victims are treated in the courts I can honestly say I am not sure I would want that for someone I love. They are completely retraumatised again, on trial effectively themselves and it is always extremely hard to convict. They can report to police but if they are not willing to press charges and go through the court system there s very little the police can do.

Yes he did. He wanted them told. He knows they were being told and when . He is fully aware and was fully on board with it. I haven't done anything without his say so in this . I haven't pressured him in any way. I have told him my opinion on it being reported and why but it's his decision to make as he would need to co operate with any investigation. He's said there's no evidence. It's one person's word against another.

Everyone here knows how low conviction rates for this type of thing are and even rape how shit the stats are. A few years ago he was mugged and had some valuables stolen and the police didn't submit paperwork in time. Lost some of the valuables and the perpetrators got away with it. So his confidence in the police is non existent.

Bullshit. I would believe my child. I wouldn’t socialise with their abuser and I wouldn’t support the people who did.
This is why sexual abuse victims have the triple whammy of being abused, not being believed and then watching friends and family support the abuser. It’s soul destroying for them.
There’s been enough cases where celebrities are known sexual predators, do it for years and have hundreds of victims and everyone says it’s can’t be true and they get richer and more famous. Imagine being a victim and watching the man who did it win awards.

Fwiw my impartial take on it:
Your partner tries to come up with a rational excuse for what happened —- there is never a rational excuse for sexual assault.
His brother assaulted your son. If there are no consequences then it is positive reinforcement for brother to do it again to someone else.
If your partner wants to excuse this, make it go away, what else would he want to excuse away, disappear ? An assault on a younger person? A vulnerable person?

Your son might not want it reported to police now but he may in the future. That is his choice. For now I’d suggest he speak to someone outside the family, there are lots of organisations listed here https://rsvporg.co.uk/services/male-survivors/#:~:text=Male%20Survivors%20Partnership%20A%20central,to%20sexual%20violence%20and%20abuse.

Ask yourself do you want to be with a man whose first thought isn’t support of a victim of assault? If you were assaulted would he want to excuse that away?

No. That response from him means it’s the end. Choose your son.

My partner wouldn’t have been around long enough to argue about this. He’d have been out the door straight away. Your poor son.