Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

[Costacosta220]

I posted about this when I fist found out but 4 weeks ago my DS aged 19 disclosed to me he had been sexually assaulted by my partners brother. I have been with partner 7 years. He lives with us. I have younger children who are early teens. I have known the brother a couple of years longer as we had a shared hobby.

My son doesn't want to report it to the police. No evidence and his word against the brothers being the reasons. PP on that thread said to be led by my son and respect his wishes. He's doing OK with everything that's happened. He simply said he doesn't wish to be on his own at any time going forward with the brother. That's a given and won't happen. The man won't ever set foot in my house again.

I told my partner who was shocked. Upset. In denial. Trying to come up with a logical explanation. Angry. Suggests perhaps his brother is gay and attracted to younger men and has 'mis read' the signs. His other two brothers and their father have been told about it. I went with him to tell one brother. And they told the other brother and father a few days ago due to logistics of getting people together in the same place. No one wanted it done over the phone . I respected this timeframe. I haven't spoken to the man who assaulted my son. I haven't contacted him or approached him.

My partner and family say the brother will be spoken to... then what ???

It's caused so many rows in my house between us. He seems massively in denial and to be honest it's pissing me off. My son has been assaulted and he's trying to come up with reasons why it's all a misunderstanding. I am angry. Absolutely boiling with furious rage.

I feel I have let My son down by not going round there and beating this c**t into next week. I want now to tell the brother I know and to tell him he either admits it to the family (so they can stop their denial and delusion) or I am going to the police and will tell everyone. I am looking to shake him up basically.

He's got away with what he's done. Scott free.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary. Eg at family gatherings when it can't be avoided. I don't like him trotting off to their hobby together or meeting up for finner etc. Its complicated by the fact they own a property together. Which the brother lives in and My partner stays at from time to time. He lives with us 95% of the time.

My partner has his family to speak to and he sees a Counsellor every few weeks (long before this happened ) so he has a safe space to discuss. I don't.. no one knows and I cannot tell my family. All hell will break lose. My family would 100 per cent cut off someone who did something like this if it was in our family. They have done before. Also my son doesn't want people knowing. Sadly there is a stigma about this kind of thing and he doesn't want it getting out.

I am just turning on my partner. I know its not his fault the blame lies with one person. But having a chat with the brother. Then what ? Nothings going to change. It will just be swept under the carpet won't it.

I am fucking angry and feel it's incredibly fucking disloyal to me and my son.

Any advice and sorry for the swearing but I am so so angry

Think this is the only way to show commitment to your son

What was your reaction? Horror at a poster saying the op had failed her son?

anything else to add?

Her son is 19yrs old. The assault happened recently.

And, yet, you're still with your partner.

Your partner doesn't want to break the relationship with the monster OP so leave. Your angry about not going around and beating the brother up but you need to be more angry at yourself for not leaving dp when he refused to break all ties with someone who assaulted YOUR son. For God's sake, give your head a wobble

Another perspective OP - I was groped by my grandad, over clothing, a few times when I was 16, in a slightly ambiguous / could-be-explained-away way. I never told anyone, and if me telling the family resulted in my mum cutting him off I think I would have felt huge guilt over the end of their relationship. I know lots of people here are telling you to end your relationship with your partner but I wouldn't rush into anything. You are all in shock. I think you probably need counselling of your own and you all need some time to process this.

It's a grim thing to have happened but he wasn't actually hurt, and I think being believed by you and never having the brother in your house again is enough for him to feel like you're on his side. Whereas seeing you end an otherwise happy relationship because of this could be a lot for him to carry.

I'm not saying you should ignore your anger or ignore the way your partner is minimising this because that is quite rubbish of him, but just not to rush into anything so that your son sees the sequence of events as him telling you what happened and you ending your relationship as a result. That would be a lot for him to carry and you don't want him to blame himself and wish he had never told you. Hopefully, your partner will come round over time and cut his brother off. And if he doesn't you may not want to continue to be with him, but I would try and make the end of the relationship, if that is the ultimate outcome, seem like it's unconnected, as far as your kids are concerned.

It's a grim thing to have happened but he wasn't actually hurt,

I had to read this a few times

W. T. A. F

i hope to heaven you don’t have any children

Nah. I was on the previous thread about this under another name.

So you don’t think that the OP is failing her son by carrying on having her boyfriend reside in her son’s home, the boyfriend who has no intention of stopping seeing his brother. The brother who sexually assaulted her son?

Yet he hasn't, has he? With joint ownership, he does not need to just leave the brother living there without taking action. A normal person faced with an abuser of their step child would sever joint tenancy into tenants in common, request sale or buy-out, and if that fails apply to court under section 14 the Trusts of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act 1996 (TOLATA).

A man who thinks it's fine for his step son to be abused, on the other hand, lets the abuser keep the benefit of the shared property. That's your bloke. Well done.

Lots of posters seem to be missing the point that your son is an adult and doesn’t want anyone to know.

I would encourage him to report it OP. It may be difficult to prove- many sexual assaults are- they often happen in private.

but it could help someone else who reports something similar. It won’t become public knowledge as your DS’s identity will be protected.

i think your partners behaviour is a depressingly common reaction. No one wants to think that their loved one is capable of this.

as a victim of child SA, I have little sympathy for your DP, but it may be that he’s in denial and will come round.

i think you need to go to counselling. So does your son.

I think the key thing is whether you want your relationship to continue. Your DP isn’t the person you thought he was, so you need to have a conversation about it.

Personally I think my relationship would be over.

her son isn’t asking for this. Posters seem to be forgetting that it’s about his wishes.

OP’s situation is a good example of how devastating abuse where victims and perpetrator are related can be.

DS is an adult. He feels safe in his home. DPs presence in the home isn’t an immediate danger to OP’s family.

But if I were OP, I couldn’t get over DP’s view or disloyalty to my family.

on the sexual assault, the OP can only support her son’s choices. And showing him unwavering support. That’s why I think she should split up. But I don’t think the OP is putting her adult son in danger by having the perpetrators relative in the same house.

I’m not talking about what the DS is “asking for”

I simply cannot fathom sharing my life with someone who is in contact with the person who sexually assaulted my son

you can?

Your DS has told you that your partner's brother assaulted him but there is no evidence. You believe your DS but your partner has some doubts. Is that right?

Has anyone told the brother that it is believed he assaulted your DS? Did he deny it? Did he try to minimise it?

Can understand DS not wanting to go to police but is he ok with you challenging the brother?

Well no- if you read my post (which you quoted) you’ll see that’s my view too.

however, it’s not a safeguarding issue. Son is an adult, and not in immediate danger. So it’s unfair and unhelpful to pile on OP.

I don’t think the OP should be attacked here- she isn’t shielding an abuser, or allowing the abuse to continue.

She is asking for support to navigate a complex issue. Half the posters on here don’t seem grasp that.

it sounds like OP is coming to terms with this betrayal by her DP and her main focus in her post is to protect and support her son.

I think we should do that rather than criticise

I think, given your son’s wish not to report it, you’re respecting him by not doing.

Hopefully in time this wish might change then you can both go and report it, knowing it probably wouldn’t lead to a conviction but would be on his record should anything happen in future and can be linked to this man..

Your partner knows what his brother has done and is keeping in touch with him.

So the only thing left that you can control in this situation, is cutting out the whole family including your partner, so your son has no contact with the brother ever again.

Your partner has his head in the sand, unacceptable. So you have to leave him, he’s not got your child’s best interest as a priority - but his own / his brothers.

Im sorry, it’s a shit situation. x 💐

I was your son but slightly younger at 14. Told my mum about my Dad’s brother - again not rape but sexual assault. Initially my approach (not that it was offered as it wasn’t that serious 🙄) was not to report but never wanted to see him again. That was generally respected for a few years even though dad kept contact and kept talking about him (I cannot describe how destroying that was to me everytime he was mentioned by those people who knew and those who didn’t). Then bit by bit - one day when I was 19 he just “popped in” for a few minutes (hence why would I make a big deal of it as it was suggested to me!!) then my wedding he had to be invited as how else would you explain to everyone else why he wasn’t there!!! Needless to say don’t have good memories of that day. Then once I was at dad’s house with my child who was about 2. The brother came to the door and didn’t come in but that day was my line in the sand - told dad if he ever was in the presence of my children it would be the last day my dad would ever see me or them! It took the “mama bear” in me protecting my children to be able to properly protect myself!
OP your child can’t protect themselves adequately under the circumstances but unless a line is drawn now things will slip and it will impact your child forever how this is dealt with. Ultimately now my father has passed away and other brother still alive and still gets spoken about as other family members see him I know he didn’t have my back. I know it took me being a parent myself (and a few years of counselling) to realise this is a black and white issue. There are no grey areas. Sides have to be taken and it is your job to ensure your son knows your side is unequivocal. At the moment it just isn’t.
I’m sorry don’t mean to be harsh but I am telling you as someone who is 30 years on from where your son is now and it still impacts me to this day and always impacted my relationship with my parents.

This!

What your son wants to do is his business with that side of it, but how the hexk can you continue this relationship yourself is a whole other thing

This is awful, and I’m so very sorry for your son and you.

the relationship has got to be over however. You know this, stop stalling.

does your partner look like his brother? How on earth could you ever have your partner touch you ever again, knowing he’s minimised what his brother did to your boy?

absolutely also tell the group leader. Not fair that your son should stop his hobby enabling that abusive bastard to continue.

Yes the relationship is over. You cannot force your partner to cut his brother off- he is absolutely allowed to set his own boundaries and make his own decisions about relationships with his own close family. Equally your feelings that he must cut him off completely are completely valid. Your perspectives and needs are totally incompatible at this point- the relationship is over.

Im so sorry for what happened to your son xx

You need to be quite clear to your partner. 'The choices you make now about your brother may end our relationship.'

You can't demand he cut his brother off. He shouldn't be doing it because you've told him to. He should be doing it because it's the right thing to do.

I think in your head, you need to have a timeframe. Either he comes round to doing this within a month, or you ask him to leave. But give him the space to make the right decision.

Ultimately, if he decides to not cut off his brother, he is condoning what his brother did. He is condoning sexual abuse. And therefore his moral compass is so out of whack, that he's someone you can't have a relationship with. Which is what you tell him when you ask him to leave.

But he's got to see that and get there on his own. I don't know what you do in that decision making time. Move into another bedroom? Ask him to move out while he thinks it all through (OBVIOUSLY not into the house he owns with his brother!).

It seems that what is happening here is that you are telling your partner to make a choice between his relationship with his brother, and his relationship with you.

That is a huge decision for him to wrap his head around, so you may wish to give him a little more time to really process it and make his choice. But, be prepared to find that ‘blood is thicker than water’.

I can't understand why the brother has not been spoken to. Unless I missed something in the thread. He is accused of something terrible but not to his face. Surely it would be logical to confront him? He may even admit it and your partner would possibly accept it and deal with it.

ultimately, if he decodes not to cut off his brother, he is condoning what his brother did.

I understand the sentiment, but I disagree with this. I think you can continue to love a flawed person without condoning what they did. The mothers of murderers often still visit them in prison, hating what they did, but still loving their child.

The issue isn’t the DP’s moral compass per se, it’s what the OP can live with. Sounds like she can’t live with a partner who has any contact with the man who assaulted her son (completely understandably).

So, unless her partner feels as strongly about it as she does, then relationship seems likely to be over. Given DP has only known OPs son for 7 years, whereas his relationship with his brother is lifelong, my guess is that will be the case.

however, it’s not a safeguarding issue.

the op has younger children

no fucking way would I the share the home of my children with someone who has a relationship with a sexual abuser. It shows catastrophic poor judgement and I’d argue a safeguarding risk. One you don’t seem to think exists, which is concerning to say the least