Is it a red flag if someone doesn't have any close friends?

[Brunocatmon]

I know everyone is different, im very outgoing, I have a lot of friends, more than a handful of who I would consider to be close friends then a few besties.

I'm in my 50's.

Would you consider it a red flag if a person in their 40's only had one close friend, and one

Actually reading the thread confirms my point to me - most the people have said something in their answer that explains why they don’t have many friends that is down to their personal character. Again - not necessarily negative character traits but it’s mostly been something about who they are that has made the biggest difference (to be clear - I don’t think it’s usually a character trait about how “likeable” they are but I do think it’s often how confident they feel in themselves, how much they value that sort of connection with others, etc. In some cases they are perfectly happy that way - and that’s great. I recently had a coffee with someone I consider a loose friend but who I know through my career and she told me how she chooses not to have friends as between her career and her family she doesn’t have time - I laughed because I considered us friends even if not close ones - but it didn’t put me off being her friend. She was happy with her choices, I enjoy our occasional coffees and she treats me perfectly well. I just see the world differently to her.

It certainly would be something I’d note. I do think people can just be unlucky about where they happen to have ended up, where there’s simply a mismatch of person and social environment (I spent eight years living in a village where I didn’t make a single friend, and I’m someone whose never struggled at all to make friends elsewhere— if I’d only ever lived there, I’d probably have concluded there was something wrong with me) but it can also stem from laziness, timidity, misanthropy etc.

In the context of does it make them fundamentally a bad person, no.
But if you’ve got lots of friendships and it’s a part of your life that’s important to you it’s worth thinking about if this could be a compatibility issue.

Not everybody wants many friends. I for one don't. Less is more.

The more friends the more drama.

I don’t really have any friends now. I used to but they all got into a relationship, married, had kids and slowly but surely I’ve been ditched by them all. I tried to keep things going but eventually stopped bothering them to meet up etc. Since then, none of them have contacted me so I guess that tells me everything I need to know. I’m not going to keep trying to impose myself onto people that aren’t interested so that’s that I guess.
I’m much more closed off and have a wall up now as a result of my previous ‘friendship’ experiences.

I would not call it a red flag. I think I'd be more concerned by someone who had loads of friends and the potential that had for spending time away from partner or numerous nights out. But that's not a red flag either.

I always find this interesting. I’ve never had friendship drama. I mean I did in middle school and high school but not as an adult.

Plus my friends from school we all grew up and matured. They are all lovely adults.

I was definitely part of the teenage drama too. I’m sure I did shitty things I can’t remember.

I know! I never get those comments either. What drama is there to be had with friends when you are an adult? Romantic relationships, yes there can be drama, but it has never happened to me in a friendship.

My circle small now. I seem chase up people that dont want to meet up but seemed all keen for it. So yes can see why people keep groups small

I do. Not in other people but I feel embarrassed I don’t have a close circle and there must be something wrong with me.

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here: I don’t think it’s healthy to not have any friends at all, no. A lot of people have convinced themselves that it is because it’s fashionable at the moment to be “introverted” and to be fair sometimes lose friendships due to circumstances but I think it’s really important to have one or two people outside of your family who you know well and can trust.

If people are unable to maintain any continuity friends at all it makes me suspect they are the type of person who drops their friends when they have to make an effort or when they are in a relationship. I would never trust anyone who said they didn’t need anyone other than their “little family”, that’s a massive red flag for me.

On the flip side of the coin I wouldn’t trust someone who has hundreds of “friends”. Professional extroverts and social butterflies who have to be meeting a different person every day and have a new best friend every week are probably “collectors of people” as opposed to actual friends.

@TooMuchRedMaybe

I know! I never get those comments either. What drama is there to be had with friends when you are an adult? Romantic relationships, yes there can be drama, but it has never happened to me in a friendship.

I have never understood people equating friendship with “drama” either. If friendships represent “drama” they are not the right friends.

Yes my sister is in the same position here. I do think it isn't easy making friends in middle age.

I’ve been very nomadic in adult life, as have a couple of my close friends, and I absolutely don’t think it’s a foregone conclusion that you find yourself with few friends as a result. You have to exercise your ‘new place and looking around for new friends’ muscle fairly regularly, so it keeps it toned. Also, having moved around a lot means you’re aware that not everyone stays in the same town seeing only the same friends they’ve had since primary. Obviously, you can be unlucky in a particular place, same as anyone else.

I had the same epxerience. From my late teens until I was 43 I lived in 5 different countries and moved around within those countries too. It doesn't mean that I don't have many friends, but a lot of my friends don't live where I currently live of course. I still see most of them at least once a year and we talk often. Where I live now is where I have my old friends from before I left plus a few new ones I have met since returning. It is definitely a case of putting lots of effort in though to maintain and gain friends, the same as with any relationship really.

Yep!
I have had lots of drama in friend groups. Some individuals thrive on being the centre of it. I can' be dealing with that shit.

It's maybe a bit sad but not a red flag, unless there is more to this.

Well I haven’t got any close friends at all. I come from a very strict family and wasn’t allowed to date or have friends throughout my 20s. I was also heavily criticised by my own parents for cultural reasons as I wanted a career and chose to not go along with their marriage plans. Consequently I thre myself into work and also along the way developed alopecia so I became even more introverted and with zero cousins to get me out the house either I just only worked. Fast forward to my early 50s and I found that any adult females throughout my 30-40s found me to be personable and friendly but also easy to manipulate as I don’t have dependents from asking me to give them lifts, loan money or I was just constantly trauma dumped upon. I love people and would loved to have had a good group of girlfriends but unfortunately doesn’t pan out for everyone like that and I’d be sad if because of that someone saw me as a red flag. We already have a tough time as it is with no real life people to lean on or go out with!

No, I have maybe one 'good friend'. The rest are just in and out of my life and I don't give a toss about them to be honest. Doesn't make me a red flag, or does it? I don't put up with shit and find relying on people exhausting. Each to their own I suppose. But not to have any friends at all, is quite concerning. Maybe they are incredibly shy?

That does sound tough. I wouldn't see you as a red flag. I think sometimes people don't always understand those for whom it's is harder making friends.

My circumstances are different but I have struggled a lot with friendships. a lot of bullying from peers and other forms of abuse also I'm neurodivergent and have other disabilities . I do now have a few friends/acquaintances and two really close ones. I don't trust people easily and have had to overcome a lot of social anxiety and shyness. I've had some not good experiences with being taken advantage of by friends or had very needy and demanding people drain me of time and energy. I'm very careful to be civil and kind to everyone but to befriend very few.

Red flag? That’s me fucked then! I’ve lost a ton since my incurable shitty cancer diagnosis.

Sounds like you had some shitty friends tbh. 💐💐💐

@LemonFinger yep, shallow and all about “ them them them”

It’s definitely something to consider if socialising is important to you, because mismatched social drives can strain a relationship.

It sounds as though you are suggesting that the red flag is that they must be a crappy person if nobody wants to be friends with them. That it is their fault nobody wants them as a friend because something must be wrong or bad about them….glad you’re not my friend