Is it a red flag if someone doesn't have any close friends?

[Brunocatmon]

I know everyone is different, im very outgoing, I have a lot of friends, more than a handful of who I would consider to be close friends then a few besties.

I'm in my 50's.

Would you consider it a red flag if a person in their 40's only had one close friend, and one

There’s a difference between true friends, friends and acquaintances. Sounds like he has the difference and perhaps you don’t.

@Anothercoat
In a woman I’d think “oh well, your choice, you sound like a bit of a loner, see you around” and then carry on with my girlfriends.

What if they were nice and friendly? You'd still shrug them off and rebuff any attempt at friendship?

My DH has never had friends, his bastard of a 'father' didn't like his children having friends "they can't be trusted".
Consequently the 4 siblings have found it difficult to make and keep friends.

However he has been the best husband and dad I could wish for, all my family and friends love him to bits, and to say he had a horrible childhood he turned out a bloody decent human being.

No. I’d be cautious of anyone who might make that kind of judgement. There are hundreds of legitimate reasons why someone might not have many friends, including being very selective.

What about people whose friends have moved away, or now barely socialise outside their family, or only socialise with other families/couples? (Thus leaving out single childless people, even if like me they like kids and are happy to meet in child friendly places.)

There's often posts on here from people who have found their friends drift away over the years. Seems harsh to judge them for it.

I'm in my 70's. I've had friendships that drifted away, friends that have died or moved away. I now have 2 friends left. Am I a red flag?

No I think it’s fine, from my experience if anything, people I know have less friends as they get older. I definitely do. I’m 36 now and ten years ago I had so many small friendship groups, was out for dinner most weeknights etc, often burnt out. But over time some of those friendships have just faded, people have moved away etc. I now am lucky to have a large mixed group of around 12, a close work colleague friend, a couple of friends from home I’m still in touch with, and my partners friendship group. So still a lot of friends, but way less than 10 years ago!
Also one of my good friends is a few years older than me, in her early 40s. When I first met her 29 years ago she was a massive socialiser, had so many friends/groups etc, but now most of her girlfriends are settled with families and have over further away, and now she has me and one other friend she sees regularly and that’s it. So different from when she was in her 20s. And it’s nothing to do with her being a walking red flag, or changes to personality, it’s just life I guess. Don’t let this put you off!

I think it can be a red flag. But I don't have any friends. I've been really badly burned in the past, the long long past to be fair, so I feel like people just don't like me. Personal Imposter Syndrome, if you will.

I felt it most recently as my cousin hugged me goodbye at a family event. Like, she must be glad to see the back of me I'm such a boring annoying person.

Not read the whole thread but... Why can't you be the one to be a friend to someone? What does it matter to you if someone has lots of friends or no friends. What would you know about someone's background to judge them? Maybe they were running away from domestic violence that they had no friends and had to start anew.

Someone could judge you and think, whoa... this person has so many friends, can they even be a good friend or just a superficial friend/acquaintance?

Be nice and think before you act/judge.

I wouldn’t be without it either but it’s also closed a lot of people off.
What once needed to be done verbally can be done online without any interactions.

I'm thinking of one particular person I know who is in her 50s and has lots of friends. I do wonder why, because she's not a nice person.
If a person has only one friend it probably means they are careful and choosy.

People come and go out of each others lives. The whole friends for a reason, a season or for life.

People generally relocate, die, fall out or it was always going to be temporary such as workmates that get on but after one leaves it’s a bit too much of an effort to stay in touch.

Anyone who has never had friends will usually have an issue they may be lovely and just shy or anxious so that’s a shame or they could be a grade A arsehole. Who knows or cares really.

I tend to agree with part of what @WrylyAmused and that is being suspicious of people with only very short term friends always. Is it because they fall out or get bored of them. But long term friends that don’t meet often, it can’t always be helped. I haven’t seen a close friend for a year as she lives about 300 miles away and our timings just haven’t matched up. We FaceTime every single week a few times and share an online cuppa.

The two women who meant the most to me both died within a year of each other we met at school and tech college. I had known one since I was 12 and the other since 19. One was 53 and one was 54.

I would love to make some new friends, but it's not that easy if you're medically retired, don't have kids, don't really travel and don't really have hobbies that involve others.

My closest friend moved away and I lost touch with loads of people over the years sadly.

I would hate to be judged for seemingly not having 'enough' friends. Either you get along with someone and enjoy their company or not so much.

The number of friends they have other than you shouldn't really cloud your judgement of them. Some people don't like socialising in big groups as well.

No, quite the reverse! I am always happy to meet new people. I was responding more to the posters who say they have no friends and are fine with that, it’s just how they are.

My friends are really important to me - and I suppose we gravitate towards people with a similar viewpoint so I’m less likely to click with someone who simply doesn’t care that they don’t have anyone.

I don't think it is a red flag, assuming the friend is decent. I learnt from an ex that if their 2 close friends are Peter Pan's with drug issues, then so are they.

@FortyTwoDegrees
I agree. And I'm not judging people whose friends have moved away - two of my best and oldest friends live ages away from me, and I only see them a few times a year - but I have lots of social and closer friends who live near me as well, who I see more often. And I also don't have children - though I've not found it a limiting factor for socialising.

I very specifically said "in my experience" - and it is.
It's a specific dynamic of an apparently very sociable, extrovert man (the ones I knew were all men) with lots of friends, where they had a pattern of being very charming, wonderful company initially, which drew people in, but they couldn't maintain the pretence to keep any friends (male or female) that they saw regularly for longer than 3 years, due to emotional instability and undesirable character traits, so the only longer term friends were people they saw very infrequently.

Similar but slightly different with some female friends who were equally charming and sociable initially but turned out to be very high drama/maintenance in the longer term and kept falling out with people, although those friendships tended to endure longer but at a lower intensity.

It wouldn't put me off making friends with or getting to know anyone. But it is a factor I would be wary of, because it's bitten me in the past. And that is my own personal experience.

It was a deal breaker for me when dating. I found too often those without friends couldn’t cope with me socializing with mine.

Obviously not the case for everyone but I also have found those without any long term friends have typically had some toxic behaviour that they blamed on everyone else.

My experience with people who struggled to maintain friendships was that their expectations of people were extremely high. No one could live up to them unfortunately.

I don’t think it’s a concern.
People who have lots of friends or even just a few friends often don’t have time for new friendships.
People can lose or struggle to make friends for all sorts of reasons.
The people I know in my life who appear to have lots of friends are actually the most unstable people I know weirdly.

My experience with people who struggled to maintain friendships was that their expectations of people were extremely high. No one could live up to them unfortunately.

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 Yes, if I started seeing someone who didn’t have any friends at all, I’d be on the lookout for that high expectations-type of behavior.

My Dad can be like this, he’s charming and outgoing, but has such high expectations of other people that he often falls out with them.

He doesn’t meet those high expectations himself, of course, he just expects other people to. 😂. He’s improved with age, but can still do this sometimes.

I think it depends on the reason. It can be a sign of all sorts of things, moving a lot, low self esteem, easily taking offence, volatility, shyness, neurodiversity, depression, work commitments. But I think most people do acquire at least a few friends as life progresses and it’s a good sign if they have managed that.

My ex husband only had one friend. He was content with superficial current work acquaintances who he only socialised with whilst they were useful.. It was a reg flag. He put no effort into friendships, as he simply just did not value relationships, not even with his own DC.
Current partner has a few people he keeps in touch with, a couple of school friends, previous flatmates, a few former colleagues- a much better sign. He likes and values people.

I can see where you’re coming from. I am like you, and have lots of friends. I am friendly, outgoing and put a lot of effort into being a good friend as it’s incredibly important to me. Others have a big family around them (my family are 250 miles away) and so friendships are less important. One of my colleagues who dates a lot said she sees its as a green flag if they have childhood friends that they’d maintained friendships with. I guess because she considers they can’t have done anything too bad if friends have stuck around.

But I guess yes, I would personally see it as a bit of an issue, and whether that’s right or wrong of me, but largely because I place a lot of value in having friends and I wouldn’t want to date someone who had none, or had issues with me seeing my friends.

I didn’t say there was anything wrong with them. I said it would tell me something about their character or something about an inability to commit to those friendships (to be clear I meant either could be true rather than both necessarily being true) - it’s not a clear negative which is why I didn’t say it was a red flag - but it does mean you know that the nature of your relationship with them is going to be different than with someone who tends to have lots of friends. I have loads of long term and recent friends, but have never had anything close to a long term relationship and chose to have two kids by myself - all of those things absolutely tell you a lot about my priorities and who I am as a person.

I see it more of a reg flag when people have lots of so-called friends. I see people with fewer friends as more discerning with their time and energy.

So you're talking about yourself, @Aimtodobetter. But now that you have read the rest of this thread, can you see others' have very different reasons, that are not related to their character or ability to commit?

I’m so sorry you feel that way - I would interpret someone hugging me as a sign of really close affection (you don’t need to be that physical - it’s something people generally only do if they feel very positively to someone). Almost all my friends are people I have actively built that friendship with - and if a friend doesn’t contact me for a while or doesn’t respond when I check in I assume they have a lot a going on at that time and try later again - that’s been the secret to most
my very long term friendships. If you change your mindset to assume people like you it helps a lot.