Is it a red flag if someone doesn't have any close friends?

[Brunocatmon]

I know everyone is different, im very outgoing, I have a lot of friends, more than a handful of who I would consider to be close friends then a few besties.

I'm in my 50's.

Would you consider it a red flag if a person in their 40's only had one close friend, and one

Is this a serious thread?!

If it is, how rude and judgemental and narrow minded. Good grief!

Who do you think you are @Brunocatmon ?! Judging people for having less friends than you?! You honestly sound 12, not like someone in your 50s!

"I got more friends that YOU have...... na na na na na!" 👅

I actually find people with loads and loads of friends more of a red flag as they often drop a meeting for a better offer. I have only a few very good friends but I know they are proper friends.

They were dismissive of people and didn't have nice things to say about people they'd known in their past, be it old work colleagues, past lovers.

I hear you OP. Firstly I firmly believe that there are a disproportionate amount of ND and/or socially awkward mumsnetters for whom real life socialising isn’t their thing. You only have to see the “just don’t answer the door” posts!

In a male partner I’d see it as a red flag - as someone who doesn’t have continuity in their life. My own partner is autistic and is very picky about company but is still very much in touch with his mates from college and his brothers. If he was someone who had no “past” and didn’t seem to be able to sustain a relationship of any kind, then yes I’d see that as a big red flag.

In a woman I’d think “oh well, your choice, you sound like a bit of a loner, see you around” and then carry on with my girlfriends.

That isn’t what she said. And clearly it’s touched a nerve with you.

What some people call loneliness I call solitude and love it. I have somehow got involved with someone who is constantly trying to invite me to various events and I genuinely have no desire to go. My idea of hell is being with a group of people doing loads of meets together and the expectations that arise. "Oh it's Tuesday, somebody should call Chirpy and remind them we meet every Thursday". Ugh no thanks. I have deep connections with a few people but they're not cloying or clingy. We may not see each other for a year but it's always cool and back on in minutes.

My entire friendship group evolved in my 40's I was very lonely in my 30's - either working or brining up my kids, had 'school gate friends' but they were not 'true' -

I found an online tribe - but its not the same as having friends you can meet up with in person I have a really lovely set of friends

I'm glad my current friends took a chance - and didn't view me as a red flag.

Maybe they did have close friends… until they asked questions like this.

I'm now starting to feel sorry for whoever you're judging. Probably stay away from them for THEIR wellbeing!

I've posted on similar-ish threads before about extroverts/introverts.
I'm a natural introvert, quiet, happy to be in my own company etc.
I get, wholeheartedly, that many people are not like this, that many people are extroverted, need lots of company & conversation but, in my experience, extroverts do not get introverts.
Some I've had conversations with seem absolutely baffled as to why some people prefer to be alone, can go for hours/days without seeing & talking to others.

There's a line in the Human League song, The Things That Dreams Are Made Of that I absolutely love: 'everybody needs two or three friends'.

OP I have a dwindling number of friends as I age, and that's because the ones I have a true friends from many years ago.
I'm thankful for those friendships. Quality over quantity.

I'm not sure I would if they were just quite quiet or introverted and didn't have friends at all.

But from my experience, people who only have friends that they have made in the last 3 years, and none of longer standing, or only longer standing "friends" that they barely socialise with, maybe 1-2x/yr, has been a red flag for people who can't maintain relationships over any period of time without falling out with people, hence the only people they have maintained relationships with long term are ones where they don't see them often enough for that to arise, or other relationships are shorter.

I have a dwindling number of friends as I age, and that's because the ones I have a true friends from many years ago.
I'm thankful for those friendships. Quality over quantity.

@gotmyknickersinatwist Yes, quality over quantity is far more important to me too.

I've been ill for 8 months after a brain injury and found out I don't actually have friends anymore.

I'm in my 50s and going to be starting again.

I'm so lucky to have my family.

I'm guessing you've not moved around a lot, or known people who have OP?

I've moved around a lot my whole life due to family, work etc.

I've always been very good at getting to know people very quickly. However, now in middle age, I work from home, most people I know are married or living together, most with kids and they don't have the time to commit to seeing friends regularly.

I have 2 (what I would consider) close friends ie they are almost family to me. Both now live in different countries. Most of the rest of the people I know might be friends, but more like acquaintances. I guess it depends on your definition of "friends" and "close".

TBF life is too busy to spend a lot of time socialising in the way I did in my 20s and I'm not that interested in trying to fit more people into my life anyway. I've been let down too often.

Do you have no imagination? There's many ways that people could lose friends:

Moving /changing jobs

Family commitments - women in their 50s are known to be the sandwich generation, looking after young adult children, possibly grandchildren and also elderly parents, all whilst working full time and managing their own health.

Health problems

Dropping abusive toxic people and not taking crap anymore

it could possibly be a red flag, as it might indicate the person is poor at forming/keeping relationships, but that isn't the same as automatically saying it is definitely one every time. There could be lots of perfectly understandable reasons for it.

Like almost everything else.
It could be considered a red flag if someone still lived with their parents in their 30s/40s/50s - but that could just be normal for their cultural background, or their parents became ill and they moved in to care for them, or had a house purchase that fell through, etc.

It could be considered a red flag if someone wasn't sexually experienced as an adult - but that could be because they were religious, had only recently discovered/accepted their sexuality, or just didn't want to sleep around for whatever reason

It could be considered a red flag if someone said they didn't work - but that could be because they were in-between jobs, had been sacked through no fault of their own, or had invested so well they didn't need to....

basically judge the individual, not their circumstances.

This. ^ I have just 3 good friends, and that's how I like it. 3 close, reliable, kind friends who will have my back anytime. (As well as DH and my 2 adult DC and their partners. I have them in my life too thank goodness.) As has been said, quality over quantity. It really is incredibly rude to judge people as being weird or odd or 'showing red flags' if they don't have 20 friends. MOST people don't have lots of friends for fuck's sake!

And the attitude from some (especially on HERE) towards people who are introverted and like their own company is disgusting. Live and let live and leave people alone. Why the fuck do YOU care if someone else prefers their own company - or their cat's - and only has one or two friends?! Or none?! Mind your own business. It's got NOTHING to do with you. Why are you so invested in other people?

As I said, who does the OP think she is? How DARE she judge other people for not being like her? I do wonder how many of these 'friends' of hers are actually friends to be honest, and how many of them actually like her? Bet she's one of these individuals who has 2000 'friends' on facebook, and cries if she doesn't get at least 150 'likes' on every post. 🙄

You do have to be quite attention seeking and needy to post on Mumsnet about how many FRIENDS you have got. 😆

I wouldn’t consider it a ‘red flag’ in that I wouldn’t assume there was something flawed about them (one of my siblings doesn’t do or care about friends at all outside of professional acquaintances + family - she’s happily single, bright, kind, good at her job - just much prefers the company of her books and her cats to other humans)

I’ve moved around the world a fair bit as a result of mine and my husbands jobs - I know what it’s like to arrive in a new place without contacts - it takes a while to find your people. When you arrive somewhere new there are three sorts of people you come across (sweeping generalisations here)

1. the polite but not interested (because they have their routines and don’t want new people)
2. the nice but not interested YET - becuase they have good established networks and they don’t need new people. Worth investing time and energy in - they just take a bit of effort to break in with
3. the initially really nice and very keen but no other friends (because they’ve burned through their friendships / been too intense + full on / are really hard work)

obviously there are a bunch of people who you won’t come across because, as PPs have mentioned, they have caring responsibilities or intense jobs or lives that don’t leave social space - or becuase they prefer to keep to themselves. But group three are the ones that are friend red flags and pretty easy to spot once you spend any meaningful time with them.

It's one of those where it CAN be, if combined with other 'red flag-esque' things.

I have a lot of 'friends'. But I only have a couple of close ones. If something happened with those friendships, and/or if I got ill and couldn't go out any more, or if I stopped drinking (sad but true)other friends would likely drop off too. Friendships require maintenance and effort and not everyone can do that, sometimes through no fault of their own.

It can become a 'red flag' even in those circumstances, if you begin to resent them for it. I've seen relationship issues where one partner wants to go out and see friends for the day/night but the other partner may guilt trip them as they don't haev the option, or the first partner stops because they feel guilty. Those things depend on the two people involved.

In that case red flag. No friends because people are beneath them.

You'll be the one losing out here. In his mind!

Hello! I’m red flag!

don’t tar us all with the same brush I am too autistic to make/maintain a friendship

Im 50s op prob max 4 friends. Got disappointed in people after covid wouldnt meet, reply back. You suggest a date. Silence. Its not red flags just crap behaviour. I think people just got very flaky. Since all this I think do I need new people. No!

Red flag for what??

A family member never married or had children doesn’t have friends but on good terms with neighbours and lives by the sea in his own. He is the nicest kindest man ever and great company just a massive introvert. He is far nicer than many I know who have legions of friends.