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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Receiving child maintenance once child has gone to university ?

265 replies

Bernie54 · 24/04/2025 16:38

Hi, can I ask if anyone still receives child maintenance from their ex once the child has gone to university ?

My Daughter (18) goes to university in September, she lives full time with me atm, and will stay with me when she returns for the holidays. Our original maintenance agreement states to pay until 2028, with regular reviews etc.

AIBU to expect this to continue? At least in the holidays anyway? Anyone else in this situation. For context I’m a low earner. He is not.

OP posts:
Cloudface14 · 25/04/2025 16:52

notsureyetcertain · 25/04/2025 16:32

I’d suggest it goes to you when dc is home and dc when they are away but no they don’t have to pay it.

Or for simplicity, the dd just gives to her mother when home for the holidays

SilviaSnuffleBum · 25/04/2025 17:36

I wonder whether a proportion of maintenance could still go to you during the hols?
Perhaps your ex could pay your daughter on a monthly basis and then she transfer some to you during the hols?
That's possibly too complicated, but ensures you have something extra coming in during the long uni hols to supplement your TA salary?

snughugs · 25/04/2025 17:46

Bernie54 · 25/04/2025 09:43

What link ? What absent parent?

Show quote history

If you scroll back you will see I put a link in. You can claim via the Children Act for maintenance through university. In these circumstances it seems likely to go through. Instead the focus is on her working.

Alongtoe · 25/04/2025 18:00

snughugs · 25/04/2025 17:46

If you scroll back you will see I put a link in. You can claim via the Children Act for maintenance through university. In these circumstances it seems likely to go through. Instead the focus is on her working.

Show quote history

What would the grounds for a such a claim be presuming the father continues to pay (which all evidence indicates he will) but perhaps direct towards the DD rather than the OP?

ThreeLocusts · 25/04/2025 22:57

OP my heartfelt sympathies for all the judgy bs being spouted here.

I have no idea of the legal ins and outs (not in UK) but to deny that your husband bears some responsibility for how much your incomes have diverged, and that he profited from your sacrificing your career by being able to maintain his own, is just daft.

And ffs no you don't in the least give the impression that you want to be a 'kept woman'. Such a stupid term to use of someone looking after a child with autism. What is wrong with people?

My daughter has high functioning autism, and it's been quite a ride. You have my respect for having got your daughter on track to university. I'm terribly nervous about mine going. I hope it all goes swimmingly for yours.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 00:56

ThreeLocusts · 25/04/2025 22:57

OP my heartfelt sympathies for all the judgy bs being spouted here.

I have no idea of the legal ins and outs (not in UK) but to deny that your husband bears some responsibility for how much your incomes have diverged, and that he profited from your sacrificing your career by being able to maintain his own, is just daft.

And ffs no you don't in the least give the impression that you want to be a 'kept woman'. Such a stupid term to use of someone looking after a child with autism. What is wrong with people?

My daughter has high functioning autism, and it's been quite a ride. You have my respect for having got your daughter on track to university. I'm terribly nervous about mine going. I hope it all goes swimmingly for yours.

Thank you so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 01:04

Cloudface14 · 25/04/2025 16:25

Your daughter must be close to him if she still stays with him 2 nights a week despite being 18

and he has paid you consistently and without any problem for years

so I would assume he will stick to whatever arrangement is in place until 2028 and IF that includes the possibility of paying his daughter direct, he will take that.

either way op, you won’t be losing out financially

Edited

I never ever said the father wasn’t close to his daughter, that is completely off topic entirely, what has that got to do with maintenance ? And her staying at his 2 nights a week, which I have already said isn’t consistent, it depends on my daughter and wether she wants, I leave that to her. I have being the resident parent since he left, if I want to go on a weekend away with my friends, I have to check with him first, he can go away when he wants and never lets me know, because I’m the resident parent, and fully responsible for her, hence the maintenance. So stop trying to catch me out or judge me.

OP posts:
Alongtoe · 26/04/2025 07:04

The point about him being close to his daughter is that I think you need to just trust that he will ensure his daughter is well supported throughout university.

He has remarried and moved on. He has fulfilled his financial obligations to you throughout this time without any issue at all. So I reckon he will fulfil that obligation until such time as no longer required.

I would use the imminent extra free time you have to start carving out more of a life Op because your continuing bitterness and anger in palpable.

Your daughter will be absolutely fine in terms of financial support from her father. And the financially obligations laid out in any agreement will be adhered with. If that does mean he is able to pay his daughter directly, I imagine he will take that option. So it is then on your daughter to pay “rent” when home for the holidays.

Alongtoe · 26/04/2025 07:08

Do you have any other children?

FarmGirl78 · 26/04/2025 07:30

I think there's 2 things getting confused here. It may well be because your court order is from a while ago, so maintenance was dealt with as one whole rather than 2 separate issues.

There's spousal maintence, and child maintenance. The figure paid until 2028 you've said it's to support YOU. That's in essence to compensate you for giving up a career to bring up your Daughter, or look after the family home while your husband was working (it's possible for some women to get spousal support without having children if their husband wanted them to stop working and keep house for him instead upon marriage). That's a payment for YOU based on your loss of career, it's not to support your Daughter during the holidays unless that's specifically stated in the court order.

Is there separate mention of Child Maintenance? Or does it state it's part of the spousal maintence? If there's no reference to child maintenance whatsoever in your financial consent order then it would typically be in addition to the spousal maintence. Spousal maintence is for YOU, not your child. What exactly does your order say?

Original poster
Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:13

Alongtoe · 26/04/2025 07:04

The point about him being close to his daughter is that I think you need to just trust that he will ensure his daughter is well supported throughout university.

He has remarried and moved on. He has fulfilled his financial obligations to you throughout this time without any issue at all. So I reckon he will fulfil that obligation until such time as no longer required.

I would use the imminent extra free time you have to start carving out more of a life Op because your continuing bitterness and anger in palpable.

Your daughter will be absolutely fine in terms of financial support from her father. And the financially obligations laid out in any agreement will be adhered with. If that does mean he is able to pay his daughter directly, I imagine he will take that option. So it is then on your daughter to pay “rent” when home for the holidays.

I am not angry not bitter, and I do have a fulfilling life. For example I have a lovely boyfriend/partner (no we don’t live together) this is just a segment of my life I asked one question about, that is all. The conclusions folk have jumped to on here is quite frankly hilarious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:14

Alongtoe · 26/04/2025 07:08

Do you have any other children?

Yes a son of 34. It’s his step son

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:27

FarmGirl78 · 26/04/2025 07:30

I think there's 2 things getting confused here. It may well be because your court order is from a while ago, so maintenance was dealt with as one whole rather than 2 separate issues.

There's spousal maintence, and child maintenance. The figure paid until 2028 you've said it's to support YOU. That's in essence to compensate you for giving up a career to bring up your Daughter, or look after the family home while your husband was working (it's possible for some women to get spousal support without having children if their husband wanted them to stop working and keep house for him instead upon marriage). That's a payment for YOU based on your loss of career, it's not to support your Daughter during the holidays unless that's specifically stated in the court order.

Is there separate mention of Child Maintenance? Or does it state it's part of the spousal maintence? If there's no reference to child maintenance whatsoever in your financial consent order then it would typically be in addition to the spousal maintence. Spousal maintence is for YOU, not your child. What exactly does your order say?

It’s just referred to as maintenance to me (my name) your right I did word the title of my post wrong and I myself am probably getting confused. Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 26/04/2025 09:43

Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:27

It’s just referred to as maintenance to me (my name) your right I did word the title of my post wrong and I myself am probably getting confused. Thanks for your reply

Show quote history

Can you post the exact wording? I volunteer as a Mackenzie Friend in Family Court and I'm pretty amiliar with the Children's Act so I can hopefully help. (2 fingers in advance to the poster repeatedly asking whether people are qualified to give advice!)

Kimonolady · 26/04/2025 09:51

@FarmGirl78 I replied a couple of days ago giving an outline of the law and offered exactly the same help as you have, to take a look at the wording of the relevant part of the order (I am a family barrister). OP didn't reply. A bit of a shame when she has replied to many, many posts since arguing about the morality of receiving child maintenance/spousal maintenance, justifying her relationship with her ex and his new wife, etc. I can't help but feel she may be more interested in the drama her post generated than actually getting helpful advice from people who want to assist.

SilviaSnuffleBum · 26/04/2025 09:55

Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:13

I am not angry not bitter, and I do have a fulfilling life. For example I have a lovely boyfriend/partner (no we don’t live together) this is just a segment of my life I asked one question about, that is all. The conclusions folk have jumped to on here is quite frankly hilarious.

Show quote history

You do come across angry and bitter (and, rightly so!) when you speak about your ex in this and other threads.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:55

Kimonolady · 26/04/2025 09:51

@FarmGirl78 I replied a couple of days ago giving an outline of the law and offered exactly the same help as you have, to take a look at the wording of the relevant part of the order (I am a family barrister). OP didn't reply. A bit of a shame when she has replied to many, many posts since arguing about the morality of receiving child maintenance/spousal maintenance, justifying her relationship with her ex and his new wife, etc. I can't help but feel she may be more interested in the drama her post generated than actually getting helpful advice from people who want to assist.

Im sorry I didn’t reply, I did appreciate your post, I don’t really want to share the exact details of the order on here. I’m sorry it seemed rude of me, and correct I did caught up in the other responses and was quite shocked at some of them to the point that I did respond not for drama but to stand up for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:57

FarmGirl78 · 26/04/2025 09:43

Can you post the exact wording? I volunteer as a Mackenzie Friend in Family Court and I'm pretty amiliar with the Children's Act so I can hopefully help. (2 fingers in advance to the poster repeatedly asking whether people are qualified to give advice!)

Show quote history

Thank you I would need to find the order first it’s been a while…I wouldn’t be comfortable posting specifics on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 10:00

SilviaSnuffleBum · 26/04/2025 09:55

You do come across angry and bitter (and, rightly so!) when you speak about your ex in this and other threads.

Show quote history

There has only been 2 threads and I thought it would be a safe space to express myself but clearly not I won’t be posting about this area of my life on Mumsnet again that’s for sure. Of course folk are entitled to their opinion but the venom in some has been shocknig. I’m not replying to anymore comments now.

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 26/04/2025 11:01

Well unless you're going to give specific wording (with identifying names omitted of course) all we can do is guess. You're doing the equivalent of saying "I had an operation 2 years ago but I'm ill again. Do you think my Doctor will refer me to hospital again?" and we're asking what's wrong, and what your symptoms are, and what your last op was for, and you're refusing to tell us!!

You can either let us help you FOR FREE, pay a Solicitor lots of money, or carry on snapping at everyone and sulking. It's your call.

FarmGirl78 · 26/04/2025 11:03

Kimonolady · 26/04/2025 09:51

@FarmGirl78 I replied a couple of days ago giving an outline of the law and offered exactly the same help as you have, to take a look at the wording of the relevant part of the order (I am a family barrister). OP didn't reply. A bit of a shame when she has replied to many, many posts since arguing about the morality of receiving child maintenance/spousal maintenance, justifying her relationship with her ex and his new wife, etc. I can't help but feel she may be more interested in the drama her post generated than actually getting helpful advice from people who want to assist.

Yep, I agree. I had noticed OP getting arsey in and argumentative with people in her earlier replies but couldn't be bothered getting drawn into a slanging match! I'm glad it's not just me who thought she was being unreasonable!

Suns1nE · 26/04/2025 11:47

bigboykitty · 25/04/2025 06:04

He cannot just ignore the order. He would have to apply to vary it, I think.

In my experience he can just ignore it because it costs money to enforce these orders (which the court generally only upholds for 12 months anyway) and, personally I didn’t have the money so couldn’t enforce it, another person I know paid to try to enforce after the 12 months and the judge basically over ruled it and said she didn’t need the money if she could afford to pay for a solicitor to try and enforce it. It’s not a system set up to protect the receiver

Alongtoe · 26/04/2025 11:51

Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:13

I am not angry not bitter, and I do have a fulfilling life. For example I have a lovely boyfriend/partner (no we don’t live together) this is just a segment of my life I asked one question about, that is all. The conclusions folk have jumped to on here is quite frankly hilarious.

Show quote history

I read your thread “smug husband” the PP mentioned up thread and OP… your anger and bitterness is so alive

Alongtoe · 26/04/2025 11:52

Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:14

Yes a son of 34. It’s his step son

Show quote history

And how does he and your son get on?

Alongtoe · 26/04/2025 11:55

Bernie54 · 26/04/2025 09:27

It’s just referred to as maintenance to me (my name) your right I did word the title of my post wrong and I myself am probably getting confused. Thanks for your reply

Show quote history

So unless actually says spousal maintenance or global maintenance, it is child maintenance. And fact that it is to be paid to you is because your daughter was under 18 at the time agreed.

Post 18, if you daughter and her father come to an arrangement whereby she receives the money direct, you won’t have a leg to stand on by trying to pursue the order be interpreted differently

when your daughter is home, just come to an agreement with her that she pays you the money

job. Done.