AIBU to be thinking about a 3rd baby at 40?

[myotheraccountsa]

Feeling really conflicted and want some outside opinions.

Original plan was always to try for a 3rd at 35 but career totally got in the way and then became 100% convinced 2 was right for us although DH always wanted one more.

Now however have hit 40 and have this unshakeable feeling that I'm going to hugely regret not having one more. Reasons being:

• I am terrified of my 2 growing up and leaving, just don't feel ready for an empty nest and no child to base my life around
• We have 2 of 1 gender and will always feel we never had that last shot at one of the other
• My 2 keep saying they'd like a little sibling
• My hormones that for years were firmly heck no to babies are suddenly telling me I want one.

But reasons against it...

• I'm 40!! When baby is 10, I would be 50
• There would be a huge gap (over 10 years) between my kids). The eldest realistically wouldn't even live here for most of babies life
• I'd have to take a career break and at my age may well not get back to where I am now
• Whilst we do have enough bedrooms, one is our study so we'd probably need a bigger house.
• It would use finances that could be going on our other childrens' university education, helping them set up their lives etc
• I'm a bit scared of health issues etc for both me and baby at this age, although I'm very fit and well

What do others think, is it just the pre menopause hormones talking or will I genuinely look back and regret it forever if we don't try?

Don’t do it, imo anyway.

None of your pros are actually a good reason to have anotner

• I am terrified of my 2 growing up and leaving, just don't feel ready for an empty nest and no child to base my life around

You’ll have an empty nest eventually anyway. You’d just be postponing it by having another child.

• We have 2 of 1 gender and will always feel we never had that last shot at one of the other

What if No 3 is the same sex?

• My 2 keep saying they'd like a little sibling

You don’t have a child because your other children want you to. It’s your decision.

• My hormones that for years were firmly heck no to babies are suddenly telling me I want one.

Yes, it’s that last chance saloon wobble.

I’d go for it - we have three and it’s a lovely dynamic

Agreed - last chance saloon wobble.

I had my 3rd at 41, but without the age gap you would have.
No regrets.
I wasnt sure after 2 that we were done, but after 3, totally finished, i even got my tubes tied during the section.
Youngest is nearly 10 now and no way I'd start again (not that I could anyway)

I think if you had better reasons, even just you really want another child, I'd say go for it. But don't have another child because you don't want an empty nest (inevitable), want a particular sex, have hormone craziness or because your kids want a sibling (and have no proper understanding of the impact).

Careers will recover, finances can work out so it ultimately just comes down to whether you really want another child.

I had my third at 40, because we'd always wanted 3, and had larger gaps than we'd ideally wanted due to secondary infertility. I won't lie, I was a lot more tired in having that third baby, but I'm sure a lot of that was as much about having to parent two other children whilst being pregnant/having a newborn. No health issues for either DC3 or I.

I do love having three, but in your situation I'd think really really carefully about trying for a third. Not because of your age but because of your current DC's ages. If your older two were 5 and 3 I'd say go for it. If they're 12 and 10, be very wary.

My eldest was 8.5 when number 3 was born and managing the age gaps (and very differing needs) has been the single hardest thing about having three for us.

Please think, really really think about trying to support older DC through GCSE and A level study and university applications whilst trying to juggle toddlers and sleepness nights. Noisy playdates when older DC are desperately trying to study. Teens trying to have friends over and enjoy themselves whilst you're frantically trying to get an overtired 3yo to sleep. Primary school homeworks and reading practice whilst older DC are asking for help with revision schedules. Trying to find holiday destinations, accommodations and activities that suit toddlers and teenagers is really hard (and potentially expensive unless you're happy just going camping). And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I'm not saying don't do it, but really really think about it.

It's not just about having another baby to love and another child to mother, and not just about needing a new car and new house. The logistics when you have large age gaps can be tough and can really impact on older DC. Often negatively, in my experience (though appreciate others may have had a different experience).

And absolutely do NOT EVER try for a third because you're hoping for the opposite gender to what you already have. I read somewhere that if you have two of one gender you're 80% likely to have a third of that same gender (I certainly did!). Only have a third if you'd be absolutely delighted to welcome a third boy or third girl.

you are 40 not 140.

I had twins at 42 and 3rd at 45. They are now teens. I am fit well, not exhausted............

I had my second in early 40s after an 8 year gap, and I wouldn’t recommend doing this in your position. The house move alone would be a reason not to.

in my late 40s I don’t want to be stressing about mortgage and saving for uni fees along with impact on career.

your initial instinct that two is enough is ok

I just had my third at almost 39...
My older two are still little (5&3) it's hard balancing the 5 year olds needs and a baby so I can't imagine balancing a teen and a baby...
It is however brilliant in other ways, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer but we moved before baby 3 for the very reason you are (bedrooms/space) and I miscarried, sorry not what you want to hear, but I think the stress of the move didn't help matters!

It’s your hormones.

Having a massive age gap is an absolute pain for everyone. Push through and this will pass.

I have a suspicion this is a dressed up ‘gender disappointment’ thread and I’m willing to bet the 2 kids are boys. I’m not actually criticising, but am I right op? Because if so that puts a different spin on things.

If you want someone / something to mother, get a kitten,or a cat, far better, I think your hormones are telling you to be broody.
Reastically it’s going to be hard on your other children, you may go into early menopause ( as I did at 45), which can very awful , and affect your life.
Please be realistic

Maybe, life doesn’t always pan out the way we hope

Dont under estimate how you are likely to change during your 40s. At 42 I peaked and basically felt the same as I did at 35. However by 45 onwards I (and every other woman I know) feels very different. I would absolutely hate to be parenting a younger child now at 50. My caring hormones have drained away.

Also teens are full on even relatively easy ones. Far more expected of parents of teens than our parents did for us. We stopped at two and we frequently say how relieved we are we did. Plus paying for university.

Do whats right for you, I had my 4th unplanned baby 6 weeks ago at 42.

I wouldn’t but each to there own

Hmm. We have a big age gap between our oldest and youngest, because we have 4. I adore them all and of course I wouldn't change a thing, but parenting preteens / teens at the same time as babies does have its challenges. Their needs are so different, it's not always easy to do a whole family activity, you don't necessarily want your older kids bringing friends around all the time because they might wake the baby.. you are dragging toddlers around to after school activities and sports . There are so many lovely things about their bond and having lots of children but it is also exhausting, and I had my last at 30.

I wouldn't - not because of my age (I had a baby in my early 40s, all perfectly fine and happy) but because of the age gap.

Your kids' teens will be affected by a baby - family holidays and days out will need to be toddler and small child-friendly, and activities for teens restricted. Their big exam years will be against your need to support a young child.

The age gap will work against them being close - they older two will be at Uni and then gone.

You don't know how you will feel by the time your kids are ready to leave home - you may well be looking forward to more adult time, panning your long term retirement etc. And - young adults are still our kids, they come home, tell jokes, allow us to fuss over them....you are a Mum for life.

That huge sibling age gap would be enough to put me off.

The 40 bit is a non issue. My concern would be balancing needs with the age gaps

It’s the age gap rather than the age that would put me off. Why start all over again when your children are heading into secondary school?

And the reason about not wanting your children to grow up and leave is a really bad one …. Children get even more interesting and lovely as they grow older and flourish into independence.

Agree

You'd be mad to do this. It's just your hormones talking. None of your reasons to go ahead are actually that good (sorry).

I'm 56 with a 14yo. Only child, so different scenario,but I'm posting to highlight the guilt I now feel. I just couldn't see how selfish I/we were being at the time. Now that hormones have settled, I can.