AIBU to be thinking about a 3rd baby at 40?

[myotheraccountsa]

Feeling really conflicted and want some outside opinions.

Original plan was always to try for a 3rd at 35 but career totally got in the way and then became 100% convinced 2 was right for us although DH always wanted one more.

Now however have hit 40 and have this unshakeable feeling that I'm going to hugely regret not having one more. Reasons being:

• I am terrified of my 2 growing up and leaving, just don't feel ready for an empty nest and no child to base my life around
• We have 2 of 1 gender and will always feel we never had that last shot at one of the other
• My 2 keep saying they'd like a little sibling
• My hormones that for years were firmly heck no to babies are suddenly telling me I want one.

But reasons against it...

• I'm 40!! When baby is 10, I would be 50
• There would be a huge gap (over 10 years) between my kids). The eldest realistically wouldn't even live here for most of babies life
• I'd have to take a career break and at my age may well not get back to where I am now
• Whilst we do have enough bedrooms, one is our study so we'd probably need a bigger house.
• It would use finances that could be going on our other childrens' university education, helping them set up their lives etc
• I'm a bit scared of health issues etc for both me and baby at this age, although I'm very fit and well

What do others think, is it just the pre menopause hormones talking or will I genuinely look back and regret it forever if we don't try?

Yes, insane.
think of the planet if nothing else.

I had my third aged 37 ,my other children were 4 and 6 . My son is now 25 and I cannot imagine life without him . He has an amazing successful life and was always the wise sibling. My older children adore him .

Nothing wrong with having a baby at 40 go for it

I had my third at 42. I love her to bits and don’t regret it. But it is harder logistically. Three’s a crowd. More money. And my pelvic floor has destroyed! Definitely pros and cons!!

Your cons list outweighs your pros by a really long way, to the outside observer.

i’d add the additional risks to you from the pregnancy and birth, and the higher chance of having a child with additional needs.

There is also the state of the world, can you be optimistic about the new child’s future?

I’d also mention that I at 42 was very fit and well and now at 47 my joints are so sore and achey in the mornings, the evenings, and if I have sat still for a while that I feel like an old woman! I’m tired and would be in no mood for dealing with a young child. If I had one, they wouldn’t be getting the best from me as my existing dc did/does- I don’t have the energy any more. Perimenopause is a hell of a ride and it’s not as simple as lifting weights or taking HRT (although those things do help).

Good luck with your decision either way.

Why do you feel guilty?

Because she’s a much older mother with all the probability that entails? Come on now. We can’t keep ignoring this and pretending it’s the same as being 30.

I have a child who was 2 last week and I turn 40 this year. My husband is early 50’s. We also have a 16 year old child.
I don’t feel guilty at all, I am a much happier, more confident parent than I was when my eldest was a child and am enjoying every moment of raising another child.

What do you mean? We're not all keeling over dead at 55 now are we?

You know what I mean. If your mother is 42 when you’re born, then if you have kids at 35, not only will your parents be unlikely to help with childcare or have a long relationship with grandchildren, but they may be caring for elderly parents and small children at the same time.

I know it’s trendy to say 90 year olds are fighting fit and can run around after toddlers on here, but that is the exception rather than the rule.

I do think it’s a little bit selfish to delay having children until 39 for no reason other than you wanted a few more nights out and more spending money. If you couldn’t find a partner that’s different and unavoidable. But I think this fallacy of pretending it’s fine and normal to have a first baby at 40 is going to result in a lot of societal consequences in 20 years

This x100. Your age isn’t the issue here, it’s the age gaps.

Hopefully not, but I knew a couple who were both healthy, fit, and active at 55 and were both dead before they turned 70. They might be unusual as they were one pairing, but mortality and morbidity do go up pretty sharply after 55. So you might well be looking at a higher proportion of people losing one or both parents while they’re still young and potentially at a formative age. Then on the other hand you will get more people needing to step into a caring role for their own parents at a younger age, which could have lifelong impacts on their career or their own decisions about having children.

These are quite significant issues which older parents (mothers and fathers) should probably consider when deciding whether to have a baby over 40 (particularly in cases like the OP’s where there are already 2 children in the family).

Honestly why the hell would you do this to yourself?! Don’t you want to live your own life rather than spend the last third of your active adult years doing the parenting slog again?!

Blows my mind why anyone would do this and my kids are lovely but craving doing my own thing now I’m 50 I would be deeply depressed if was still hanging round the primary school / dealing with friendship issues etc now. Christ what a nightmare scenario. Life is short.

My parents had me early 30s and were both dead before 60. No one knows what lies ahead, of OP is healthy and has the support of family then why shouldn’t she have another baby?

I didn’t say she shouldn’t, but she asked for opinions and in mine, these are things to be considered. Along with the points I made in my other post. It’s up to her, of course, but she asked.

others have already said it - but what if the third is the same gender as your other two? and you will still have an empty nest one day, it’ll just be at age 60 odds! So I think two of your pro reasons aren’t great! I wouldn’t do it personally, running around after a toddler in your 40s would be different from 20s or even 30s I imagine

I had this wobble in my late 30s. Heck if my husband hadn't had the snip we might have 3 now!

But the feeling has passed. I am 42 now and over it completely. Content with my lot and enjoying the next phase with my family. More holidays, more adult time, more time to move my career forward etc. I couldn't imagine having to do it all again now.

I think this is a last chance hormone flush and it will go away. Think of your freedom now and think about if you really are ready to do it all again.

But I'm probably biased because I am passed this feeling myself!

I had my last at 41 (fell pregnant at 40), I had twins ❤️❤️ the chance is higher. They are now 5, no regrets. I have 3 other older children x

Don’t do it, this was a similar scenario to my mate though hers were 10 and 11 plus it was an unplanned third.

She loves her third, they had one of each anyway but the continuing cost of childcare plus still running around to her kids sports matches at the weekends has been hard. Her oldest kids are mid twenties now.She is only a year or two younger than me, we have just retired early and she is now looking at GCSE exams and helping him through that and then sixth form and University, she will be 62 when he is finishing University. It’s very different to someone having a child at 40 as a first timer.

But wouldn’t it have been much worse if they had you in their 40’s then and you would have been orphaned in your teens? I know nobody knows when they are going to die but there is such a thing as statistics and it shouldn’t be fobbed off as something completely unknown.

Butternut that made my blood run cold. I really don’t understand the drive to start all over again. Gordon Ramsay and his wife had a baby as their older ones left for university!

Just can’t relate - am so looking forward to doing my own thing with fewer caring responsibilities as mine move to late teen.

No it wouldn’t have been worse, losing a parent at any age is terrible.
People are living longer and longer the average age expectancy for a woman is 83 so a child born to a mum at 40 is likely to have their mum around well into adulthood.
My baby will be 16 when I am 55, I am totally fine with that. The happiness she brings me far outweighs the con of “losing” my freedom for a few more years.

Ok, well then we are different. For me losing your parents when you are a teen rather than when you are a fully grown adult is by far worse. I think most people feel that way.

Only have a third if you really want to have a child. Not to have a daughter (might be a son), not to avoid an empty nest (you will get there anyway or maybe not since kids are staying longer time at home), not because your DC want a little sibling (they don't know the full picture- get them a doll instead).

I got a puppy instead 🙂