AIBU to be thinking about a 3rd baby at 40?

[myotheraccountsa]

Feeling really conflicted and want some outside opinions.

Original plan was always to try for a 3rd at 35 but career totally got in the way and then became 100% convinced 2 was right for us although DH always wanted one more.

Now however have hit 40 and have this unshakeable feeling that I'm going to hugely regret not having one more. Reasons being:

• I am terrified of my 2 growing up and leaving, just don't feel ready for an empty nest and no child to base my life around
• We have 2 of 1 gender and will always feel we never had that last shot at one of the other
• My 2 keep saying they'd like a little sibling
• My hormones that for years were firmly heck no to babies are suddenly telling me I want one.

But reasons against it...

• I'm 40!! When baby is 10, I would be 50
• There would be a huge gap (over 10 years) between my kids). The eldest realistically wouldn't even live here for most of babies life
• I'd have to take a career break and at my age may well not get back to where I am now
• Whilst we do have enough bedrooms, one is our study so we'd probably need a bigger house.
• It would use finances that could be going on our other childrens' university education, helping them set up their lives etc
• I'm a bit scared of health issues etc for both me and baby at this age, although I'm very fit and well

What do others think, is it just the pre menopause hormones talking or will I genuinely look back and regret it forever if we don't try?

And again, the 40 bit a non issue but spinning the roulette wheel for a different gender is problematic.

Why do you think so?

I’m sure your 14 year old doesn’t feel like that

Your reasons to have a third aren't great. Maybe a puppy would be more appropriate - you get to choose the sex of that....

I doubt that your existing kids will appreciate "a little sibling" when their currently harmonious life is up-ended by a screaming, pooing, feeding machine. Have they watched too many Disney films perhaps? They also won't appreciate a clapped out mother and limited finances when they need guidance and financial resources in early adulthood. What will a little sibling really mean to them once they've left for uni? You also run the risk of significant health problems for yourself and the baby. As for your DH wanting more - why? Is he really happy to go through all that again in middle age? He won't be the one taking the physical risk either, will he!

I’ve thought about but only in the context of wondering how best to protect myself from such a catastrophe. No thanks.
You’re romanticising.

This is absolutely just your hormones trying to trick you into having another baby. You cons by far outweigh your pros list. For me it's also the age gap that seals the deal. Having just seen my two kids through the teen years and into adulthood there is absolutely no way in hell I would have been able to manage a toddler at the same time. It would have absolutely ruined me and my relationship with my older kids. Focus on the blessings you have been given already.

I'm 9 years older than my (unplanned) younger brother. I have always adored him, though the impact on our household (we have a brother 3 years older than me who went seriously off the rails whilst my parents were trying to cope with the new baby) was quite major.. We have a great relationship - I have no kids -but am very, very involved with his two young adult daughters - but...

When I left home aged 18 to go to university, he was utterly bereft - so much so that he suffered quite serious mental health issues that put him in hospital. He went psychosomatically blind for several weeks.

I tell you this, OP - and you'll note that my post has a mixed bag of issues, because my relationship with my younger brother is amazing (though neither of us has anything to do with our older brother at all) - in order to indicate that what you see as "pros" may not work out the way you might wish. And the impact of a baby on existing, quite a bit older children can be dramatic.

I would have loved to have had three, I always wanted three but started late! I will be 39 when my second (and last) is born and although I could try again at 40/41/42 it could potentially leave me with 3 under 3 which I think I would struggle with. If I’d had my first two earlier though and they were already out of the baby/toddler stage then I would definitely be wanting a third

I did it at 39 and am so glad I did.

Don’t do it! Sounds like the age gap is too big. We’ve really enjoyed the changing activities and travels you can share with your children as they grow into late teens/early twenties. With a younger third child we couldn’t have done that (and probably couldn’t have afforded to). Your children will benefit more from the extra money and time you have for them than they would from a younger sibling. I’m mid-fifties now and rather enjoying the empty nest!

I was one of three in a similar situation and, now with my own teenage DC, feel very strongly that my parents should have stopped at two. They were simply spread too thin and seemed exhausted by the time I was in my mid teens, which wasn’t great as they still had a decade to go with my younger sibling. They had a child touring universities and a child learning to read at the same time! They got away with it as we were bright, well-behaved children but there were definitely times when each of us didn’t receive proper attention at a time when we needed it.

I had number 4 at 40 with a significant gap. All went great, big ones are mad about the baby (11 now but still called the baby!!) and always have been. They're happy to babysit and help out.

No issues here, 5 stars would recommend

I had one at 39, with a significant age gap between my older two and the baby. I had a third because I wanted another baby, life had got in the way and we weren't able to have another sooner. It's been brilliant, the age gaps haven't been an issue, they adore their younger sibling and regularly spend time together and it hasn't meant they miss out on anything. I'm now quite a few years older and it's still working out well, I enjoy spending time with each child and our family feels complete.

I did have a wobble recently about another but that was definitely a menopause related thing, I really don't want another child and quickly realised that 🤣

Don't!!!

I m 46, perimenopausal, nurturing hormones are dipping. I think having a 5 year old would be hellish for many reasons:

Sleep deprivation.
Teenager when you want to retire.
The expense.
What if it's a 3rd same gender, will u be disappointed?
Will your marriage survive?

Get a dog, be a doggy mummy.

I'll be 45 when my last one arrives, DH will be 50.
Natural conception and so far, thankfully, other than tiredness, a completely complication free pregnancy.

Do what works for you and your family. There's pros and cons to everything.

I wouldn't.

I'm usually on the 'go ahead' side of these threads but honestly in your circumstances my vote is sadly to leave it. You know the miscarriage rate at 40+ is around 50 per cent? How would you feel if you end up having multiple losses? The rate of complications in the pregnancy and with the baby including things like birth defects or other lifelong chromosomal conditions also significantly increases. What about if your third baby is profoundly disabled?

You’ve already won the lottery. You’ve got two lovely children, you’re healthy, it sounds like you’ve got a good career and your relationship must be solid if you’re considering another.

Rolling the dice again is definitely a risk. Even if you get lucky again with a healthy child it’s going to have a big impact on your family’s life.

My vote is to bank your existing lottery win, don’t gamble it!

I really wouldn’t. Focus on the two you have. Many kids don’t leave until 30 these days so empty nest is a long way off and you’ll be more than ready.

I think your cons outweigh your pros

But ultimately only you and dh can decide

Totally agree with this, especially after spending some time caring for friends 3rd and late in life baby who is disabled. Might sound horrible, but my friend really regrets rolling the dice again, especially since her ex left and she is dealing with it all alone.

YABVVVVVVVVVU

Your current two are clearly getting older and less dependent on you, and the 'empty nest' is looming on the horizon. However it will only feel 'empty" if you have nothing to fill the time. Invest some and effort into developing hobbies and interests, that you can share with others.

If your current children were a bit younger, I would say go for it, but 10+ years age gap is huge. Although you're fit and healthy, you're still 40, so it may take a while to get pregnant, increasing the potential age gap further.

If you need to move to a bigger house then you need to look very hard at the finances. Can you genuinely afford a bigger mortgage, bigger bills, and childcare costs on your current income (or even less if you take a career break.)

If I was in a loving happy family I'd keep having them! I am very jealous as I really want another child but no man in my life x