AIBU to be thinking about a 3rd baby at 40?

[myotheraccountsa]

Feeling really conflicted and want some outside opinions.

Original plan was always to try for a 3rd at 35 but career totally got in the way and then became 100% convinced 2 was right for us although DH always wanted one more.

Now however have hit 40 and have this unshakeable feeling that I'm going to hugely regret not having one more. Reasons being:

• I am terrified of my 2 growing up and leaving, just don't feel ready for an empty nest and no child to base my life around
• We have 2 of 1 gender and will always feel we never had that last shot at one of the other
• My 2 keep saying they'd like a little sibling
• My hormones that for years were firmly heck no to babies are suddenly telling me I want one.

But reasons against it...

• I'm 40!! When baby is 10, I would be 50
• There would be a huge gap (over 10 years) between my kids). The eldest realistically wouldn't even live here for most of babies life
• I'd have to take a career break and at my age may well not get back to where I am now
• Whilst we do have enough bedrooms, one is our study so we'd probably need a bigger house.
• It would use finances that could be going on our other childrens' university education, helping them set up their lives etc
• I'm a bit scared of health issues etc for both me and baby at this age, although I'm very fit and well

What do others think, is it just the pre menopause hormones talking or will I genuinely look back and regret it forever if we don't try?

I think a really pressing Q here is could you adequately care for a child that has a significant disability or learning need? Sure you could have a healthy neurotypical baby, but what if you don’t.

If you don’t feel like you could, I’d think really hard. It’s easy to imagine a happy vision of 3 kids when it’s a straightforward outcome, but if you don’t think you’d have the financial and emotional resilience for something more complex I’d not roll the dice again.

I am not in any way saying that there is anything wrong with any children with disabilities or learning needs, but I think it’s only responsible to consider if our capacity could provide for that child. If you’re only basing your decision on a rose tinted view, I’d interrogate it a bit more - you’d need to be ready to parent any baby that’s born to you, not just an ideal one.

Have you experienced it?

I had a third at 42… fast forward - am now mid-fifties and trying to balance transition to secondary school issues / SEN, with sixth form stresses / uni costs of older two, alongside supporting both sets of elderly parents (cancer / dementia / physical disabilities / end of life), none of whom live locally to us, so lots of travelling / staying away is required… it feels like me and dh are a tag-team at the moment, feeling very very stretched in all directions, and feeling like we are not able to give as much to each of them that they need. it is my youngest that I worry about most (not being able to give them enough attention / support, at such a critical time of their life).

Also factor in menopause, and the impact on sleep / mental health / joints & physical mobility… I am exhausted. But too many people are relying on us.

Re: elderly parents, the situation can change so quickly, from them being hale and hearty, to being very ill / frail and needing a lot of support, in seemingly a very short period of time. I stopped working a couple of years ago, and I honestly don’t know how I would have coped with it all if I were still working.

As a family, over the years, we have had to do many things separately (as activities / trips etc are often not suitable for the full-range of kids ages in the family), and finding something that we can all watch together (on TV or cinema) as a family has been really difficult!

Sorry for such a long and rambling post, I suppose what I wanted to say is that at 40-42 you can feel really fit and able to cope with anything, but in your 50s there may be the caring ‘squeeze’ (of elderly parents and young family at the same time), and it can be so so exhausting…

As I said, we are different when it comes to that and that is OK. It is impossible to have lost both parents in your teens and then again lose both parents when you are older. I only had one set of parents.

It’s your pre menopause hormones talking don’t do it

I was also reading that too from the OP. Two boys. Two boys....

One passed when I was 14 the other at 29. Please don’t infer that I am in some way being dishonest.

I am not saying you are dishonest and I am sorry you lost both your parents so young. I was simply suggesting when you said that your parents had you in their early 30s and they had both died by the time they were 60 that it would have been worse had they had you in their 40s as they would have both died when you were still a teenager. I do still think it's worse to lose both parents before you are an adult than when you are older and more independent.

I'd say no. None of your reasons 'for' seem great to me.

Kids want a sibling but they have zero idea of the realities of that. My kids wanted a dog. They largely ignore him and complain when we try and drag them out to walk him!

You are entering a different phase of parenting when you can start to different things with the kids and also get a bit of your life back - you don't have to be with them every minute of the day. You and your DH can go out for lunch or walks or whatever.

I'd also worry that a baby/toddler during the teen years will inevitably mean you have less time for them when they might really need you. At that age, you really want them to know they can come to you no matter what.

I'd also think long and hard about how much you enjoy the dynamic you have at the moment. The things you do together. Would you still be able to? Even a 'perfect' baby will disrupt things massively. But what if they have additional needs or behaviour issues. I think you could very easily start resenting them for turning things upside down. Or even just things like disrupting your career.

I would also pay far more attention to the posts that are from the perspective of parents whose children are older or fully grown, as they are seeing the full picture in the round.

One of my parents died young too and was disabled through terminal illness before my younger sibling (third baby, born at 40) had even finished university.

The baby and toddler years are the easiest, in my view.

I had mine at 39, zero problems.

Thanks for all feedback- it's sounding like a fairly resounding no and just hormones / fear of empty nest syndrome speaking which, as you say, is going to come eventually. Just sad that I think I'm always going to have this sense of regret that we missed the boat for right timing.

This line of thinking is a little presumptuous. It is perfectly possible to have two of one gender and long for the experience of the other without it being a "thinly disguised disappointment thread"...you can want both without being in any way disappointed with what you have! Yes I have 2 boys, and I adore them. Does not mean I wouldn't also love a girl. Why would that be different if I had 2 girls?

Honestly, all of your ‘for’ reasons aren’t actually coming across as valid reasons, and all of your ‘against’ reasons are very sound logic. I wouldn’t do it personally.

Because it’s always a girl that posters want. I see very few gender disappointment threads by mums of girls who want a boy.

You'll basically have two siblings and an only child. I can't imagine wanting to go back and start again when my kids were in secondary school.

I am terrified of my 2 growing up and leaving, just don't feel ready for an empty nest and no child to base my life around Kindly, @myotheraccountsa that's a reason to get some counselling and hobbies, not to make a new person.

The idea that your parenting experience e is somehow incomplete if you don’t get both sexes is nuts to me.

Please just follow your heart. Do what is right for you. My older children adore my younger. There is a 12 year age gap between the oldest and the twins.

The twins!!! <faints>. Reason enough to stop at 2 right there!

I’d do it 😂. I kind of wish I’d had another… too late now.

"I am terrified of my 2 growing up and leaving, just don't feel ready for an empty nest and no child to base my life around"
Please don't do it for this reason only, as obviously you are going to have to deal with these feelings eventually, you would just be kicking the can down the road. You've made a really good argument for not having another baby , there's nothing to be added to it. I think it will depend on how strongly you and your other half feel about it really.

do it! so much prefer 3 than 2 (sorry for WC parent, but this is just my genuine feeling/experience)...

I read that a lot of that on here but have never seen it in real life. I was desperate for a boy and on balance would say that most of my friends were also more keen to have boys than girls.

I prefer 3 to 2 but that’s 3 close in age. No way would I have considered a third with a 10 year age gap. And having another child because you’re ‘terrified’ of your older ones growing up and leaving the nest is a terrible reason quite frankly.

so for me, it’s not your age, or three children in itself which is the issue, it’s that it would be starting again with the whole newborn thing with the other kids heading into secondary school.

I also think you might regret having another one at this stage and I had mine at 38 and 42 so it's not that I think you are too old. Now is a great time to be an empty nester when you are young enough to build your own fulfilling life that's not all about your kids, and be able to focus on work, hobbies, and maybe being an involved grandparent. If you leave it another 20 years then I think it would look more daunting. Also it's easy to forget just how much work and how little freedom babies and small children come with.