I really don’t like my Mum. I thought as I got older these feelings would fade somewhat, and I’d allow her a little grace, and find myself in a place where I could at least feign joy in her company, but actually, the older we both get, the less I want to speak to, or spend time with her.
I can’t remember ever really liking her tbh. She is petty, self righteous, selfish, and really quite dumb, though not a bad person per se. We are just very different people, which doesn’t help. She never stops talking about the most banal topics, gossip etc. When she finally brings something up I’ve a vague interest in, and I attempt to take the conversation a little deeper, she cuts me off, or changes the topic, unable and/or unwilling to discuss topics more thoroughly, now I’m reluctant to even bother.
As a child she resented me, always letting me know she wish she’d let my Father have custody of me (following their divorce). I appreciate she put food on the table, and clean clothes on my back, but my oh my did she remind me of this constantly, of all she did for me, and what a struggle it was. The atmosphere was often tense, and in spite of me being quite a good kid, she was prone to erratic outbursts, taking the stresses of adult life out on me, even acknowledging I was bearing the brunt as she didn’t have a man to vent to.
Fast forward to today, and she’s all sweetness and like, overly generous, and forever seeking
my attention. I’d like to think she feels guilty for the way she treated me as a child, but it’s far more likely shes scared of being uncared for in old age.