When people say “if you need help, ask”…

[lalavander]

Does anyone else struggle with this one? Actually asking for help?

We are going through a lot of turbulence at the moment, recently diagnosed teenager (autism and adhd), a younger child who struggles with being around older sibling / at home with them because of the outbursts and conflict that seem to stem from the diagnoses. I guess we’ve always lived this but now we have an explanation.

DH is working more than ever and travelling for work now- no choice.

I’m juggling work around the kids (albeit badly and neglecting my business) and we are slowly coming to terms with the fact we are going to have to sell our home (meant to be our forever home) as we can’t keep up with inflated mortgage payments - dh also had to take a pay cut a few years ago when he closed his business and became employed. It’s just been constant.

Meanwhile we keep getting very unhelpful but well meant advice from our parents. Along with- if you need us; just ask- Problem is when we have in the past (not financial, we’d not ask for money, despite them having more than they literally know what to do with) it’s been a cause of friction.

Both dh’s parents are fully retired and live 5 minutes away, they have a playroom set up for the kids, a special room for the kids to sleep etc but they never invite them over, offer to pick them up from school for an hour- literally nothing. In the past when we’ve asked for childcare support regularly it’s ended in them feeling used / has strings attached / causes upset (this is 10 years ago now) so I feel reluctant to ask for any support but I can’t help but feel like we are drowning here and I’m just feeling really alone and sad.

Meanwhile my own mother is 67 and still having to work, lives further away, can’t afford petrol really but ultimately if we NEED her, she’s there. Just can’t put on her anymore than the occasional help without feeling very guilty. She’s got a lot on her plate as it is.

When people say “if we can help just ask” why don’t they just offer? Is it because it’s performative? Or do they genuinely want to help but need us to ask?

It would be nice to feel like we genuinely had just a little support from people who are willing to do so but it’s just not the case. We have been invited around for dinner as a family at theirs this weekend where I’m going to have to listen to a lot of really unhelpful suggestions that I find frustrating to listen to- they don’t seem to realise how tied our hands are or just how much we are struggling and I’m not sure I can smile through another “if you need us; just ask” comment.

Aibu to NOT want to ASK? Maybe this is a ME thing and I should just start asking for a little support with the children? Rather than sitting here frustrated we don’t get any meaningful support or maybe I’m being rightly tentative due to the past and how that’s worked out for us ?

We had close friends who said this when (we all lived abroad at the time) my partner suffered an accident, was in hospital for a while and was then temporarily disabled - all while we were packing up to move house.

I asked if they could source us some boxes for packing. They told me to go down the supermarket and ask. Didn't ask them for any more help, though much less close friends offered actual examples of practical help and gave it.

I don’t have any answers for you but want to say you are not alone.
In a similar case, my parents, now disabled and on state pension will be there for what ever we need. PIL healthy and plenty of money make asking for anything painful or we never hear the end of it yet do all the Facebook posts of my wonderful grandchildren type thing.

It’s interesting where support can come from in times of need isn’t it? Often more unexpected places.

Some people genuinely keen to help

Others just want to feel good for offering

It's usually pretty clear what category people are in

Please ask. I struggle to understand what would be helping, and when people just want to rant, what would be seen as interfering.

Thank you. I actually find it really hard to listen to people complain about parents who are supportive but not “enough”. Even watching grandparents on the school run or at the park with their GC gets to me. Theres an actual blind grandparent who walks their GC to and from school daily (not that I expect this but come onnnnnn). Where’s my village at? Ha.ha.ha.

It's incredibly hard to ask for help.

And I found people help by giving the help they can or want to give, which isn't always a good match for the help you need.

One thing that made me find it a bit easier to ask, was thinking if my friend was sat at home needing x,y,z and not asking me, I'd be mortified so maybe my friends would be mortified knowing I needed help and didn't ask.

I also have some sympathy for not knowing what help is needed. Your situation sounds difficult and I wouldn't know where to start with saying something specific.

sad but true I fear

Yes people shouldn't say they will help if they aren't willing to help but the help with strings attached can work both ways, no i am not saying the op is doing this but some parents expect regular childcare from grandparents and add a long list of things the grandparents have to do or not

Thank you. I’m glad it’s not just me who finds it difficult.

Nobody can fix all our problems, it’s life and we’ve got to deal with our own issues and work through them. It would just be nice to feel less alone, or that actually we didn’t have to ask because they’d like to spend time with their GC once or twice a month for even an hour.

Maybe it’s more that for me than actual help. Just a willingness to show up a bit. I don’t know.

The person being helped often has a clearer idea of what help they need than the helper does. So my mum wouldn't know to I need someone to sit with DC2 for an hour on Tuesday unless I tell her. I don't know if she needs a lift to a medical appointment unless she tells me. You need to be specific - can you pick up the kids from school on Tuesday and keep them til 5?
It might be a no, but you don't know til you ask!

Completely agree. I see friends very much fall out with their parents if they don’t toe the line with regular childcare. It’s not gp’s responsibility to be free childcare on at all let alone on a regular basis but it is nice to feel like you actually can ask if you need to occasionally or that they genuinely want to spend time with their grandchildren and offer some rest bite for their own child.

I created my own business from scratch and I’m not self employed as my wage barely covered childcare and asking for regular help from grandparents did not work- it is what it is!

I can almost feel your pain through your words here. I’m so sorry you have had and are still going through such a tough time.

In response to the ‘if you need help, just ask’ thing, the way to address this is to reply straight away - ‘well, actually, we really could do with some help! If I give you a list of things you COULD do that would really make a difference to us, would you mind choosing one? Just one? Thank you sooo much!’

Thank you. Maybe I should, tentatively and gauge a reaction.

You’ve been the first person to notice and / or voice it. Thank you. It’s hard, but we will be okay, I am however feeling incredibly sad, lonely and frankly burnt out. Time for another coffee!

If you want help, be specific and ask for exactly what you need.

There are people out there who genuinely want to help. But they are also careful to not to overstep or interfere, good on them for that. Otherwise there would be more threads on here complaining about interference from in-laws and such.

It's up to you to communicate your need for help clearly. But be realistic about how people can help. Different people maybe be better at helping with different things. Don't complain and put them down if they can't.

It’s not easy, is it? Our in laws don’t have social media but make huge photo collages throughout their home of photos I’ve sent them of our family- days out, holidays etc. they put some of them in their unused playroom / the “children’s” bedroom in their home.

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time and I hope that things will look up for you.

Ime what people mean (allowing for a minority for whom this is performative) is "specify exactly what you want us to help with and we will". When someone is going through what your family clearly is, they may struggle to know how they can help you. And if you've always been self sufficient, then this makes it even harder to both ask for, and receive, help.

As for not having the children over, many older people don't have experience of dealing with a child with additional needs. They may feel that this is too much for them, and struggle to understand neurodivergence. Our (ND) dd has a lovely relationship with my parents, but she was supposed to have a sleepover at theirs a few months back and became overwhelmed by anxiety while having dinner with them, so I had to go and collect her as my mum didn't know how to cope with her. 😔

And as for my dsis, well... most times we've asked for help (after she's offered it) I realised it meant only really if it fitted in with her plans. We're close, but she's quite self centred so if I need real help (rarely), then I tend to go to my other (eldest) sister.

On a separate, but related, point - are you receiving DLA for your audhd teenager?

With your particular circumstances, it would be likely that they genuinely do not know what you want. To you it may seem obvious that you want them to take the youngest, or the oldest, or both, or give you money, or pay for counselling support for the oldest, or for the youngest, or... nope, I've reread it, you haven't actually said what it is that you want and I can't guess. What is it that you actually think will help, specifically? Have you sat down and really considered all options plus who you could ask?

Then we come to... why have you not actually asked for it? I do see you noted that you asked for too much childcare 10 years ago, but the children are much older so the needs are different now. It should be OK for anyone helping to set out a boundary of what is too much, and you will need to respect that. Given that you know they are able to refuse, you should actually feel even more comfortable asking for help from ILs, so just go for it. When you know what you actually want.

Thank you. I will try. I think I’m just feeling alone and like I’m downing a bit and would love it if someone just made ME a cup of tea at this point! Having said that they’ve invited us for a meal, so that IS nice of them.
i think I’d just like to feel like I had some people about to who cared, genuinely enough to even offer occasionally but you’re right- perhaps they’d feel like they’d be interfering!

Op when you say your in-laws don't offer to have the children are you asking them to have both? You say you'd think they'd want to offer so their own child has respite , but it's quite probable they know they can't cope with your eldest's behaviour. Maybe consider asking if they'd have the younger occasionally. It would give the younger some respite from the situation which you acknowledge he's struggling with, and although it wouldn't give you and husband the childfree time you clearly need, it would possibly relieve some of the guilt you'll feel for having to prioritise the elder due to the situation.

I agree with @GRex — you know what you need, they don’t. Ask specifically. All they can do is say no.

You’re right. I’m overwhelmed and unsure to help myself at this point- so they must feel similar.
in the past we have said it would be helpful if occasionally the youngest was collected from school and they have said “just ask” and when we have they’ve been busy / said we can occasionally but not regularly- fine. After asking few times you start to feel like a pest- they have collected our youngest 3 times (so once a year on average) but we do feel like we are inconveniencing them when we do ask really.

I think I’d just like to feel a little less alone and like I have a village. I am more than happy to return favours and always very grateful when anyone does anything for me. I don’t want to just take take take. Just feel, well- less alone.

Absolutely- they can’t cope with them both and frankly I’d not want that! The eldest is actually the “easier” when on their own as they thrive on 1-1 time, are happy to watch tv and are more self sufficient. The two of them together is STRESSFUL and we would never put them both on grandparents without us there.
they youngest is primary school aged and needs more input- they did take them out to a zoo for the day which was nice for my DC. It’s just very very sporadic (and no more than twice a year) so not very helpful but still nice of them.

It would be nice to have some support / their willing presence for the more mundane things in life but ultimately it’s not their responsibility- but they keep saying “just ask” I don’t know:

On the school pick up thing, get out diaries in advance, and ask them to book in days they can do it to help you out. Asking last minute when people have busy lives is tricky for everyone. Perhaps ask weekly/fortnightly for them to put a date in the diary (not necessarily on the same day, since they’ve said they can’t make a regular commitment).
Communication is key!