When people say “if you need help, ask”…

[lalavander]

Does anyone else struggle with this one? Actually asking for help?

We are going through a lot of turbulence at the moment, recently diagnosed teenager (autism and adhd), a younger child who struggles with being around older sibling / at home with them because of the outbursts and conflict that seem to stem from the diagnoses. I guess we’ve always lived this but now we have an explanation.

DH is working more than ever and travelling for work now- no choice.

I’m juggling work around the kids (albeit badly and neglecting my business) and we are slowly coming to terms with the fact we are going to have to sell our home (meant to be our forever home) as we can’t keep up with inflated mortgage payments - dh also had to take a pay cut a few years ago when he closed his business and became employed. It’s just been constant.

Meanwhile we keep getting very unhelpful but well meant advice from our parents. Along with- if you need us; just ask- Problem is when we have in the past (not financial, we’d not ask for money, despite them having more than they literally know what to do with) it’s been a cause of friction.

Both dh’s parents are fully retired and live 5 minutes away, they have a playroom set up for the kids, a special room for the kids to sleep etc but they never invite them over, offer to pick them up from school for an hour- literally nothing. In the past when we’ve asked for childcare support regularly it’s ended in them feeling used / has strings attached / causes upset (this is 10 years ago now) so I feel reluctant to ask for any support but I can’t help but feel like we are drowning here and I’m just feeling really alone and sad.

Meanwhile my own mother is 67 and still having to work, lives further away, can’t afford petrol really but ultimately if we NEED her, she’s there. Just can’t put on her anymore than the occasional help without feeling very guilty. She’s got a lot on her plate as it is.

When people say “if we can help just ask” why don’t they just offer? Is it because it’s performative? Or do they genuinely want to help but need us to ask?

It would be nice to feel like we genuinely had just a little support from people who are willing to do so but it’s just not the case. We have been invited around for dinner as a family at theirs this weekend where I’m going to have to listen to a lot of really unhelpful suggestions that I find frustrating to listen to- they don’t seem to realise how tied our hands are or just how much we are struggling and I’m not sure I can smile through another “if you need us; just ask” comment.

Aibu to NOT want to ASK? Maybe this is a ME thing and I should just start asking for a little support with the children? Rather than sitting here frustrated we don’t get any meaningful support or maybe I’m being rightly tentative due to the past and how that’s worked out for us ?

When I say it I mean it genuinely. Please do ask.

My goodness, you seem quite touchy. I was in full sympathy with you when I posted my comment. I asked if they really knew about your situation. You could have just answered, pleasantly, that they are fully aware. I don't know your relatives; I'm not condoning their behaviour. And absolutely nowhere did I suggest that you don't love and appreciate your mother. I merely meant to remind yourself that you have someone supportive and well meaning in your life which all those people you are envious of at the school gates, might not truly have. The fact that you choose to see a criticism there makes me think you might be a fairly difficult person.

I don’t think my reply was touchy but did feel the need to explain more about the situation. Whilst I have a loving mother she’s not able to offer support and she does struggle to understand our situation fully for a multitude of reasons I won’t go into.
i also don’t think my reply makes me a difficult person. I’m actually a very nice person- which does lead me to burnout because I overstretch myself for others, all.the.time. and seemingly don’t get much back. But I’m not here to argue or prove that. I’m just worn down, tired, emotionally depleted and incredibly stressed at the moment.

But why though? It is truly baffling...

When I offer help I am genuine and will be there but on the flip I only have my dad who will help me.

I often say to family and friends “if you need any help just ask me”. The reason I say this rather than offer specific help is because in the majority of circumstances I don’t know what help is needed, and don’t want to seem like I’m intruding. If you were my friend for example, I might know that you are going through difficulties, but I wouldn’t know what I could do to help with that, so what could I offer?
I could offer to clean your home but you might be offended and think I’m judging you. I could turn up with groceries only to find your fridge is full. I could offer to babysit only for you to tell me you’re too tired to go out. I have no idea what you need so I would have to rely on you telling me.
People are not mind readers. If there’s something you need that you think someone else could help with, then ask them.
Perhaps from some people it is performative, but from others it’s genuine.

well, the house went on the market yesterday. We’ve paid £700 for support getting the garden and paintwork fixed. Worked all bank holiday weekend (both of us) on the house and our usual jobs with both children in tow.
DH’s parents were hosting an event we were meant to go to on Monday (including the whole street) and we were told not to come as we have too much going on.

We told them initially that we couldn’t come due to needing to sort the house for sale (very reluctant downsizing due to finances and work commitments changing) and dh’s mother proceeded to tell our youngest daughter how fabulous her event is going to be, how all her friends would be there but she can’t come because we are too busy. Due to youngest being upset we told her we would go for a few hours.

we got so busy with the garden etc that we were really not seeing how we would make it, my youngest took it upon herself to call her grandparents to explain and ask if they would pick her up (5 minute drive) and bring her to their event.

They did, fil turned up to us on our hands and knees, with 2 paid gardeners and my mother working our socks off. He dropped her back 1.5 hours later because it was “adult only time” from there on in and went back to their event.

We are almost broken, hanging on by a thread and having to turn our whole world upside down and they haven’t messaged once throughout the past 3 weeks we’ve been attempting to make changes that are necessary but stressful and really sad & I feel really blimmen alone and disappointed.

I don’t expect a flurry of support but it’s very evident that life is hard right now and the only contact we’ve had is to ask us to make scones for their event aside from taking dc for 1.5 hours because they’ve asked. fair weather parenting. Bleugh.

They can't read your mind but also you are allowed to ask and they are allowed to decline .

Their life ticks on and if you ask and they are busy-fine, they are allowed to have plans without you feeling a huge rejection as a result.
It sounds like you were a bit cheeky previously and so they have put in firm boundaries.
" Give an inch, take a mile"

Does your DH ask them for help?

Op they can't solve all your problems

You were busy sorting out your house and they took your DD for a bit -which seems fine to me.
Sensibly they returned her as probably drinking etc
I cant see what the issue is?

I'm sorry you have to sell your house but you had your DM helping as much as she can and they took your DD for a bit.

You say that you overstretch for others and then feel resentful?
Time to work on that as resenting your ILs for having firmer boundaries than you seems to be the issue here.

no, they can’t. I agree. But there’s been very little boundaries in place in the past when it comes to them- when it suits.

i don’t expect them to solve anything but might be pleasant to know they care a little. When they have any problems (not being able to sell one of their properties or having mice in their home) they come round in floods of tears, and we offer some kind words or practical help. We don’t just act like they don’t exist.

They took DD because she was told all about the event and what she was missing out on, knowing that we couldn’t go because we were busy they told our 6 year old how fabulous it would be and that she’s going to miss it. So she called them up because we genuinely didn’t have time to go.

Theres a lot more going on here than I feel I can share as it could be outing but in the past we’ve jumped through many hoops for them at their request and they’re just totally disinterested now the children are that bit older and less compliant.

I don’t think we’ve ever been cheeky in the past. Literally, ever.

of course they’re allowed to decline, I just don’t think I’d ever leave my children in a state of disappear and not even show some compassion at very least. That’s all. DH feels totally let down and like his parents couldn’t give a toss too, it effects him a lot.

Yes. Although he has started to not bother.

I find this is generally to make themselves feel better, but actually hoping not to be involved

This for me is true. I'm not always good at knowing what people want. I said to my mum recently who has came out of hospital to tell me what she needs/wants as that works better for me.

Yep

I think they sound absolutely awful.
The type of voyeuristic parents that watch their children struggle, talk about them but never offer anything sincerely practical help wise.

I really wouldn't want to be anywhere near them.
Can you move closer to your mum?

I don't believe grandparent's should be caught for endless care but a bit of kindness and basic humanity when your children are struggling should be possible.

I cannot understand it.
I couldn't be around such people OP.
I'm sorry things are so hard.

Where I live I tend to find people do mean it it helps if you have something specific to ask, like can you pick my prescription up or take my child to school.

With me, it's because I genuinely don't know what would help a lot of the time.

I'm happy to do what I can, I'll offer examples, it's a genuine offer, but I'm not going to storm in and take over your life when I don't actually know if what I'd do is helping, or annoying.

You described them as feeling used and that you felt you had overstepped in the past ?

Op you do sound very resentful of them and their life.

You describe being on your hands and knees with DM and 2 gardeners when your FIL arrived ( as arranged) to pick up your DD

What we're you expecting -that he cancelled a social event he was hosting and helped?

It sounds to that you are resentful, angry and frequently vent so they asked you not to come and so it's created a loop where you want help but they are pulling away from you as a result?

I'm trying to see all sides here btw as all of us saying they terrible awful people won't change anything.
People are rarely awful its just different expectations -stop chasing for what they can't give you

In terms of your DH job, yours and the children they are not short term sudden events -what are you doing to change these aspects of your life?

I mean, we’ve had endless discussions about our struggles- because they ask us about them. They know we have very little time, are massively overstretched when it comes to juggling the kids and work, because we’ve spoken to them pretty extensively about it

I wonder if this is the issue, that your interactions are primarily negative and they are trying to manage this??

People really don't mean it when they say things like this. They literally say this to make themselves feel better, but you're hard pushed to find anyone genuine even in your own family.

When people say “if we can help just ask” why don’t they just offer? Is it because it’s performative? Or do they genuinely want to help but need us to ask?

most people are genuine, but they are also busy, have their own problems so will really do what they can if you ASK, but it's not on them to figure out what exactly they could do. It's also difficult not to be patronising when they mean well but offer the wrong thing.

In the past when we’ve asked for childcare support regularly it’s ended in them feeling used / has strings attached / causes upset
how regularly?
You can start slow, asking for help once and see how it goes. Not give them the impression you are constantly relying on them.

In the past (10 years ago) they offered to take our eldest 2 mornings a week so I could work. They also wanted one weekend day with us as a family and when we couldn’t do that (due to me working weekends too and having little family time to share) they said we’d used them. This arrangement lasted one month before we decided it didn’t work as we couldn’t “pay back” in our time.

I described that situation because I was upset that they didn’t respect that we couldn’t come because we were busy sorting the house instead they informed my youngest child that they were throwing a huge party where all my child’s friends were going to be there and that my child couldn’t come because “mummy and daddy were too busy” to attend. It caused a lot of upset for my child, which resulted in us saying we’d try and take her so she didn’t miss out, we were very busy and running out of time so my fil came to collect her because she called him asking him to. It bothered me that I was asked during this chaos to bring homemade treats and turn up with our family at a time we were super stretched as a family. It was just this situation where we were knee deep in the thick of a massive upheaval where they couldn’t help- fine but also made our lives more complicated by manipulating our younger child into feeling like she was missing out. We hadn’t organised for her to be collected, it ended up being that way due to dd being upset because she was told she was missing out. This does make me upset: of course they shouldn’t cancel anything they’ve organised to help us but maybe don’t tell a 6 year old they can’t attend, it’s going to be fabulous and she’s missing out because of us.

we have plenty of nice interactions with them. I meet them for coffee when they are free and message and have general chat but right now life is just hard. If they’ve withdrawn because it’s too negative for them I really can’t change that. I keep conversation light when I can but if they ask about our situation I’m going to be honest.

i think they asked us not to come because we are having to downsize and sell our home and their neighbour regularly (and wrongly) comments on how little support they give us and they didn’t want the earache frankly. I still provided the goodies they asked for and would’ve gone if I genuinely had the time.

in regards to the jobs, I have an interview this week for another job- to do Monday- Friday term time, I work weekends and all summer holidays for my own business. DH has had several interviews but the process is long (he’s just had a final interview for a job he applied for in January, 2000 candidates applied and he’s down to the last 2). It’s a long process and we are doing everything we can possibly think of to fix our financial situation (downsizing to reduce mortgage and applying for jobs, saving money and selling items to generate extra income).

I think the upset they caused your daughter is deeply unpleasant.
I think you are far too tolerant.
They wouldn't see me for dust and I would be moving as far away as possible.

I think so too.