When people say “if you need help, ask”…

[lalavander]

Does anyone else struggle with this one? Actually asking for help?

We are going through a lot of turbulence at the moment, recently diagnosed teenager (autism and adhd), a younger child who struggles with being around older sibling / at home with them because of the outbursts and conflict that seem to stem from the diagnoses. I guess we’ve always lived this but now we have an explanation.

DH is working more than ever and travelling for work now- no choice.

I’m juggling work around the kids (albeit badly and neglecting my business) and we are slowly coming to terms with the fact we are going to have to sell our home (meant to be our forever home) as we can’t keep up with inflated mortgage payments - dh also had to take a pay cut a few years ago when he closed his business and became employed. It’s just been constant.

Meanwhile we keep getting very unhelpful but well meant advice from our parents. Along with- if you need us; just ask- Problem is when we have in the past (not financial, we’d not ask for money, despite them having more than they literally know what to do with) it’s been a cause of friction.

Both dh’s parents are fully retired and live 5 minutes away, they have a playroom set up for the kids, a special room for the kids to sleep etc but they never invite them over, offer to pick them up from school for an hour- literally nothing. In the past when we’ve asked for childcare support regularly it’s ended in them feeling used / has strings attached / causes upset (this is 10 years ago now) so I feel reluctant to ask for any support but I can’t help but feel like we are drowning here and I’m just feeling really alone and sad.

Meanwhile my own mother is 67 and still having to work, lives further away, can’t afford petrol really but ultimately if we NEED her, she’s there. Just can’t put on her anymore than the occasional help without feeling very guilty. She’s got a lot on her plate as it is.

When people say “if we can help just ask” why don’t they just offer? Is it because it’s performative? Or do they genuinely want to help but need us to ask?

It would be nice to feel like we genuinely had just a little support from people who are willing to do so but it’s just not the case. We have been invited around for dinner as a family at theirs this weekend where I’m going to have to listen to a lot of really unhelpful suggestions that I find frustrating to listen to- they don’t seem to realise how tied our hands are or just how much we are struggling and I’m not sure I can smile through another “if you need us; just ask” comment.

Aibu to NOT want to ASK? Maybe this is a ME thing and I should just start asking for a little support with the children? Rather than sitting here frustrated we don’t get any meaningful support or maybe I’m being rightly tentative due to the past and how that’s worked out for us ?

I get it OP. As a family you're going through what sounds like the most difficult time of your lives. In contrast, your PIL seemed to be at a stage where life is arranged just as they would like it. Good for them - but surely this kind of luck/privilege in retirement should allow people to have the bandwidth to consider the people around them - especially when they profess to care so much about them.

For what it's worth you don't sound like you resent them, you just sound sad and thoroughly worn out. I guess like most of us you would like to know when it matters your family have got your back rather than making vague, ineffectual gestures. Tbh, and I know loads of people will be horrified by this, but the best thing they could do if they can afford it is help you out financially so you don't have to sell your bloody home! They obviously don't want to help practically, writing a cheque is actually a lot easier...

Good luck - hope things work out for you.

What has their journey through life been? You say they are very well off. Did your MIL work? Have they led a charmed life? Perhaps they cannot grasp the difficulties of your situation.

Personally I would let the expectation of them doing anything to help go. It’s not going to happen and you’re winding yourself up thinking about it. Strengthen the relationship with your Mum. Move closer to her if possible. If there are comments from PIL about your Mum doing things with the children you can tell them she offered to pick them up from school or have them overnight.

If they do make effort then ask them to do small one off things so if it doesn’t happen it’s no great loss.

At some point in the future, they may need your help so it’s very short sighted of them but that won’t be your problem.

No we didn’t. Not going to force them to walk the dog. They said they’d actually enjoy it. Maybe they’re just too busy to do it regularly, I’m sure they’ll offer every now and then. More steps for me, which frankly I need and it’s saved us some money not having the dog walker anyway

Personally I would let the expectation of them doing anything to help go. It’s not going to happen and you’re winding yourself up thinking about it.

Absolutely this
Just stop expecting anything
The dog walking is odd, they told you to cancel and then just didn't turn up?!
They would have got the sharp end of my tongue for sure!

I really feel for you. It sounds incredibly tough.

I do wonder if the in laws would willingly help if asked for specific things though? E.g. perhaps you could have a word and explain your youngest is finding it tough and ask if they could have them round for dinner or take them to the cinema occasionally?

In wonder whether from an outside perspective you look like you're coping so well.that they don't want to step on your toes.

I know it's hard, but you need to ask.

Are you claiming DLA for your son? Might that help?