When people say “if you need help, ask”…

[lalavander]

Does anyone else struggle with this one? Actually asking for help?

We are going through a lot of turbulence at the moment, recently diagnosed teenager (autism and adhd), a younger child who struggles with being around older sibling / at home with them because of the outbursts and conflict that seem to stem from the diagnoses. I guess we’ve always lived this but now we have an explanation.

DH is working more than ever and travelling for work now- no choice.

I’m juggling work around the kids (albeit badly and neglecting my business) and we are slowly coming to terms with the fact we are going to have to sell our home (meant to be our forever home) as we can’t keep up with inflated mortgage payments - dh also had to take a pay cut a few years ago when he closed his business and became employed. It’s just been constant.

Meanwhile we keep getting very unhelpful but well meant advice from our parents. Along with- if you need us; just ask- Problem is when we have in the past (not financial, we’d not ask for money, despite them having more than they literally know what to do with) it’s been a cause of friction.

Both dh’s parents are fully retired and live 5 minutes away, they have a playroom set up for the kids, a special room for the kids to sleep etc but they never invite them over, offer to pick them up from school for an hour- literally nothing. In the past when we’ve asked for childcare support regularly it’s ended in them feeling used / has strings attached / causes upset (this is 10 years ago now) so I feel reluctant to ask for any support but I can’t help but feel like we are drowning here and I’m just feeling really alone and sad.

Meanwhile my own mother is 67 and still having to work, lives further away, can’t afford petrol really but ultimately if we NEED her, she’s there. Just can’t put on her anymore than the occasional help without feeling very guilty. She’s got a lot on her plate as it is.

When people say “if we can help just ask” why don’t they just offer? Is it because it’s performative? Or do they genuinely want to help but need us to ask?

It would be nice to feel like we genuinely had just a little support from people who are willing to do so but it’s just not the case. We have been invited around for dinner as a family at theirs this weekend where I’m going to have to listen to a lot of really unhelpful suggestions that I find frustrating to listen to- they don’t seem to realise how tied our hands are or just how much we are struggling and I’m not sure I can smile through another “if you need us; just ask” comment.

Aibu to NOT want to ASK? Maybe this is a ME thing and I should just start asking for a little support with the children? Rather than sitting here frustrated we don’t get any meaningful support or maybe I’m being rightly tentative due to the past and how that’s worked out for us ?

Hang on thats quite a drip feed or two!

Your Op was that they don't support you at all

They provided CC 2 mornings a week but wanted to see you at the weekend- so you stopped the arrangement
They take DC to the zoo twice a year-it's not enough
They were having a party but you were too busy to go, they told DC about it so you agreed to go for a little while
However you then didn't go and DC got upset -DF collected her instead
They have neighbours who tell them how awful they are to you so that's why they didn't want you to come -rather than they thought you were too busy?

You sound like you hate them Op.
Cut them off although I doubt it will make you happy
Honestly it sounds like they are going to always be in the wrong whatever they do

It also sounds like you are going through a horribly stressful time and it might be colouring your judgement somewhat
All the best and I hope things improve soon

I say this. But that's because I want to help in a way the person genuinely feels would be helpful rather than me making multiple guesses as to what they might need and offering them. I suppose the only way of finding out if people saying this are genuine is to ask directly for a specific thing. "If you could pick DC up on Thursday and have them for two hours, that would be really helpful. No pressure. Have a think if that works and let me know if it does".

I don't understand why you didn't ask them to take the kids while you got on with the house. When they asked you to make cakes or whatever "Sorry not this time as we are busy, you can get decent ones in Lidl." You said you were too busy, then you're annoyed they said not to come in that case. It's a pattern with quite a few of your comments; you get over-stretched and then you're annoyed that nobody read your mind. But why did you think anyone can read your mind? Why can you not say clearly what you want at the time you want it?

can you imagine if I wrote down 13 years worth of backlog in one post?
i can’t even begin. I don’t hate them.
my original post was about the fact they say “if we can help just ask” but when we do they don’t help. We had to stop the arrangement because when they took one dc 7 hours a week they felt used unless we saw them every weekend, when we only had one day off a week and it wasn’t doable- so we felt it was the right thing to do. Not because we hate them.
I’ve acknowledged throughout they do spend 1-2 days a year with dc but don’t seem to be there in a more general sense.
We are invited to parties and gatherings- acknowledged but again, there’s not a general sense of support at all despite them offering. I’ve had to reply to peoples questions, as they’ve been asked.
They told a 6 year old all about a marvellous party that everyone was able to go to except her, because her parents have to sort the house to sell- so I’m not sure it’s my fault she rang grandpa up about it.
life is pretty stressful right now and we don’t feel we have anyone around us. That’s all.

Well our daughter asked. We didn’t ask because we knew they’d be busy getting the party sorted and didn’t want to put on them as they were hosting. I’m not annoyed about the fact they didn’t take dc off our hands, I’m annoyed they created a situation where I told them we couldn’t come, they then proceeded to tell dc (6) all about the party and that she would miss out on all her friends and games and then she spent the day upset because she was missing out. So she called them and they did indeed take her.

Also wasn’t remotely annoyed they told us not to come but it’s hard explaining that to a child who’s been told she’s going. I tried to make both happen.

OP, your writing is clear.
I would be furious at my child being so unnecessarily upset.
So unkind.
Despite them then taking her, there was no need for them to tell her in the first place.
Why would they deliberately upset her, not kind.

But all upset avoidable if you asked them to take DC, which is what they were clearly agitating for. That's what seems a bit mad to me, you've got upset about something you could have fixed with one question "Please could you collect DD in the morning so she can join you as we are busy at home?"

What relevance is the last 13 years?
Presumably you don't have pre schoolers so that's water under the bridge regarding the CC and weekends and you have all moved on ?

The stuff about the party is a bit annoying but it sounds like they were desperate to have them there but actually she rang her GD because you then didn't take her after you had said you would.

I agree with @GRex

Surely it would have made sense for the DC to go with the GP to the party-then you have free time to crack on with the house stuff.

I didn’t because they were busy and I was attempting to be considerate. Upset would’ve also been avoidable if il’s accepted we were busy and didn’t try to use a 6 year old to get us to go to a party we told them we were too busy to attend.
Both is true.

None. I was simply explaining that in the past asking for regular commitment didn’t work. Because someone else suggested it.

Dc wouldn’t and shouldn’t have known about the party because we told them we were too busy to attend, we went round for dinner which would’ve been lovely but they used it as an opportunity to tell a 6 year old all about a party we couldn’t make, I then said we would go because dc was upset (because grandma told her all her friends were going and she couldn’t).

we would’ve made it but by the sounds of it by the time we had got there it would’ve been adults only time.

I can see somehow this is definitely my fault. Just can’t do absolutely everything and please everyone. It’s literally impossible. I didn’t want to put my dc on someone who was already stretched that day with setting up a massive party.

Clear to only you seemingly. I don’t know. Not sure posting is helping. So I shall stop. I’m glad if I am totally mad I’m atleast not alone.

You're trying very hard to be "in the right" here. No skin off my nose, I'm not involved. I am here only to be on your side, trying to help you see if there is any way that you can make your own life a bit easier. To me there is a glaringly obvious repeating pattern that you want something, or can ask for something, but you soldier on without asking regardless. All I'm saying is that it's worth thinking next time about trying to use your words to say what you want. Worst that can happen is someone says no!

I do hear you. I didn’t want them to pick DC up. I wanted to get on with what we needed to get on with, that’s why I told them we couldn’t come. Next time I’ll ask them to take the kids if we are too busy to do it all but it would’ve surely been simpler to just accept we couldn’t come. Oh i don’t know & and this point it’s done anyway. It is what it is. At the risk of drip feeding ( I do think I’ve mentioned this before) in laws find taking both dc very stressful due to the dynamic between them so felt the last thing they’d need is us asking them to take them both before they host a big party. They have asked before not to have them both together and sending one child does seem unfair.

anywayyyy

What was the outcome though ?
Presumably all was well as 6 year old went and had a nice time, they collected and returned her.
You got to do the house stuff in peace ?

It's not their fault your DH works away, your job is busy and sadly you can't afford your house anymore , it's really not
You have given all sorts of reasons why they are at fault but those things and your anger about it are not their burden to take and it seems like you are misdirection your anger at them and there is a huge whiff of martyr going on.
Say what you mean and mean what you say -they cannot read your mind

They clearly really wanted you at the party Which is annoying but also shows they care
Be careful you don't push them away too hard

Is it possible they feel like offering small help here and there is a plaster over a massive stab wound, and feel offering "a cup of tea" isn't going to help with your (big) issues, it feels too tokenistic? Also people can be reluctant to become a prop /support for someone where there's no real end in sight - because it can then leave you guilt wracked if you need to stop.

I mean if they had had your DD a few hours longer, it wouldn't have actually helped, really. You'd still be working to sort your house out, DH job hunting etc.

The trouble is you have all these problems that they can't fix. They can't (or don't want) to pay your mortgage off for you, they can't magic up a job for your DH. They can't vanish away your DC additional needs.

Have you tried asking in a different way. Don't ask for a regular commitment with no end in sight - ask for discreet one off things. Play to what they value, most grandparents want to celebrate DC achievements, share special experiences or enjoy giving a special gift that will be appreciated. Ime they dislike being asked to do something mundane with DC in order to free up mum or dad to treat themselves to a night out with friends/take a holiday/catch up on sleep.

"DC has a swimming competition next month, I'm struggling to rearrange work - do you think you could take her? She'd love to have you see her compete".

"DC has asked for a bike for christmas, its a lot for us to afford at the moment but if you wanted to get her one she'd be thrilled".

Also if they are often busy, turn the question round.
"Are you free at all next month?"
Then when they say when they are free... "lovely! Shall I pencil you in to come and take DC out for the afternoon that day?".
Or "DC would love to see you afterschool one afternoon. When are you next free?"

The thing is sometimes people don't know whether help would be welcome or what help to offer. If the offer is genuine ,and I think you have to assume it is until proved wrong, then you need to ask for the help you need. So can you say to your in-laws. Yes we are finding things hard at the moment it would help if you could X? And take it from there.

Also if they are often busy, turn the question round.
"Are you free at all next month?"
Then when they say when they are free... "lovely! Shall I pencil you in to come and take DC out for the afternoon that day?"

Don't do this it's very manipulative and could end up with them never being free and the relationship breaking down

Potentially! I can see what you mean here. Probably don’t know what is actually helpful. They can’t fix the big stuff and the small stuff seems a bit mediocre. I do get that.

Not always FeatherDawn. They have their own lives and plans! I have to organise everything with my own mum like this, i can't just assume she can drop things to be free for me. Why would she have lots of free time? She'd be bored if she didn't plan things in so i need to accept its up to me to work with her to fit round her diary.

I know it’s not their fault, that’s why we are just trying to get on with it and fix these issue’s ourselves and not put on them. I was just getting a bit miffed about help being offered without being delivered but I really don’t know what is appropriate to ask anymore, without asking too much or too little or anything inbetween.
its our adult life and adult problems, we will sort it and are sorting it.

we didn’t get the house stuff done in peace we got the house stuff done with a 6 year old crying about not being at the party yet and 2 hours of getting the house stuff done without the dc. She got to go in the end which was nice for her and them (hopefully)!

I think you should ask for help. Some people may be offering performatively, but I think it’s usually genuine.

I think this is also a good reminder for the rest of us that if you want to help someone genuinely, you should say “What can I do for help?” and perhaps suggest a few possibilities — not “Let me know if you need help.”

I was just getting a bit miffed about help being offered without being delivered
I'm confused
What help did they offer but not deliver?

Do you mean the question" let us know if we can help"

You said you didnt ask them to have the DC because it would inconvenience them
You can't have it both ways and they are not mind readers!

ive made a few posts about when we’ve asked for help and it’s been a no- which is okay.

we didn’t ask them for help this weekend because they were busy and didn’t want to inconvenience them.

they’ve said in the past they’d help in other ways ie; walking the dog. We cancelled the dog walker because they wanted to help in that way (they told us to cancel him) but then they couldn’t walk the dog. Just an example. Going round in circles a bit.

Did you challenge them about the dog walking?
If they are all hot air why are you still expecting that they will change?
Seems rather futile tbh

I can completely understand why you feel upset in this situation and think others are giving you quite a hard time! It’s so disappointing when all you need is proper support but it’s lacking from those who are supposed to care, except for the bare minimum given.