When people say “if you need help, ask”…

[lalavander]

Does anyone else struggle with this one? Actually asking for help?

We are going through a lot of turbulence at the moment, recently diagnosed teenager (autism and adhd), a younger child who struggles with being around older sibling / at home with them because of the outbursts and conflict that seem to stem from the diagnoses. I guess we’ve always lived this but now we have an explanation.

DH is working more than ever and travelling for work now- no choice.

I’m juggling work around the kids (albeit badly and neglecting my business) and we are slowly coming to terms with the fact we are going to have to sell our home (meant to be our forever home) as we can’t keep up with inflated mortgage payments - dh also had to take a pay cut a few years ago when he closed his business and became employed. It’s just been constant.

Meanwhile we keep getting very unhelpful but well meant advice from our parents. Along with- if you need us; just ask- Problem is when we have in the past (not financial, we’d not ask for money, despite them having more than they literally know what to do with) it’s been a cause of friction.

Both dh’s parents are fully retired and live 5 minutes away, they have a playroom set up for the kids, a special room for the kids to sleep etc but they never invite them over, offer to pick them up from school for an hour- literally nothing. In the past when we’ve asked for childcare support regularly it’s ended in them feeling used / has strings attached / causes upset (this is 10 years ago now) so I feel reluctant to ask for any support but I can’t help but feel like we are drowning here and I’m just feeling really alone and sad.

Meanwhile my own mother is 67 and still having to work, lives further away, can’t afford petrol really but ultimately if we NEED her, she’s there. Just can’t put on her anymore than the occasional help without feeling very guilty. She’s got a lot on her plate as it is.

When people say “if we can help just ask” why don’t they just offer? Is it because it’s performative? Or do they genuinely want to help but need us to ask?

It would be nice to feel like we genuinely had just a little support from people who are willing to do so but it’s just not the case. We have been invited around for dinner as a family at theirs this weekend where I’m going to have to listen to a lot of really unhelpful suggestions that I find frustrating to listen to- they don’t seem to realise how tied our hands are or just how much we are struggling and I’m not sure I can smile through another “if you need us; just ask” comment.

Aibu to NOT want to ASK? Maybe this is a ME thing and I should just start asking for a little support with the children? Rather than sitting here frustrated we don’t get any meaningful support or maybe I’m being rightly tentative due to the past and how that’s worked out for us ?

I have learnt which of my friends and family actually mean it, and which of them are good at different kinds of support.
I have people I can phone and just off load to w/o judgement.
I have a few local friends where I've turned up sobbing on their door step and they've supported me.
I have others who have lent me money (all paid back and many years ago now).
I have a super practical friend who really means it when she offers help.

I had a period of time where I was definitely the one needing support. Now I am able to offer support back.

I think it’s helpful to have a list of tasks so that if somebody says “if you need help please ask” then you can ask them to choose one?

When offering help I always give a couple of practical suggestions of things I can do, so hopefully it’s easier to take me up on those or to think “well if she could bring over dinner to save us cooking, maybe she wouldn’t mind picking up groceries instead?” so they feel easier about asking for what they actually want.

With your in laws, it sounds like really you want them to have more of a relationship with their grandkids? In which case can you suggest to them that as the kids are getting older in order to maintain that relationship they could have a regular arrangement with them, eg one day a week they have dinner together? Don’t just frame it as childcare, think of it also as supporting the bond and it may seem more appealing to them!

would love it if someone just made ME a cup of tea at this point! Having said that they’ve invited us for a meal
I'm glad you can see that it may be an attempt to help. By cup of tea though, presumably you mean being able to sit quietly rather than a meal where everyone is talking? I think what's best is to just be super clear "I'm feeling really overwhelmed and need a rest. I'll nap while you guys have a meal."

When they then express concern, you can roll out the list; here are some things I think may help to start you off:

• Youngest really needs a break and we don't have enough hands. Please can you pick 2 days each month when you will collect youngest from school, help with homework, watch a film, just be there for them and drop back to school in the morning? Any day except a Monday is fine and we can vary the day, it's just to build in some individual support for them.
• We are struggling with the mortgage so we will need to sell, can you please spare a few days to help me out in a few weeks to get the house ready for pictures and viewings? I can set up dates based on when you can help. (If they are at all inclined to offer money, it will be abundantly clear to them when they know you need to sell that it is certainly needed.)
• Eldest urgently needs some specialist counselling support, please can you help research who will be best for this, prices, timing/ availability and review options with us.

Good luck! Ask!

Yes OP I know I sound cynical but it’s performative - from my experience

Hi OP, I think you may need to spell it out to them. When they say 'we are here if you need us' ask them if they could do a regular school pick up on the same day each week. Tell them it would really help you and your kids to get some time to themselves. They may be taken aback or make excuses, in which case they really didn't want to help, but you can only go on what they actually say to you. Preferably get a firm answer from them (in front of other people!)

100% this. I experienced a life changing event a few years back and the kindness of virtual strangers at the time was palpable. Meanwhile, my very 'good' friends were nowhere to be seen, and still aren't really.

Some turn up their noses
some turn up thrir sleeves
and some don’t turn up at all !

I think it really depends. People have very different expectations of when it's appropriate to ask and when you should actually expect help.

My neighbours feel free to ask for the type of help I would never ask them, and never do. I don't particularly want to help them out. I also don't want to hurt their feeling or the offended reaction if I spell it out in so many words. For one, it would be needlessly unkind to say I actually rather dislike her child, who I think is rather badly raised. Surely a bland "don't hesitate to ask for help" with little intention to follow up is better.

If my parents nominally offer help but then rarely follow through, I don't get annoyed, I file that as "they meant to be polite not to offer help".

The proof is in the pudding.

'If you need help, ask' means they know it's the done thing to offer but hope you won't actually ask. They feel virtuous though because they've said for you to ask.
People who genuinely want to give you a lift will say 'What can I do?' 'Do you need shopping?' Let's go have a cup of tea and a chat' etc They may land on your doorstep with cake or biscuits etc
Or in your case, they might say 'how about X comes after school every other Tuesday for their tea and I'll drop them off to Beavers/dance class.'
Essentially the second phrasing assumes you need help and takes away the need to ask and say you need help. The best ones have already nicely looked and seen where they could help you out.

I really get this!

I am going through a rough time just now. My husband told me cheated and that he is gay 9 days ago. I am doing ok, but I am sad at lack of concern from my parents. Like it's been 4 days since they last sent a message checking in. No cement offers of offering to visit to see the kids or even seeing if I'm still alive.

They do have history of offering help, but then not actually being available. So like as you say telling me 'if there's anything we can do just ask' but then not being available on any days when I'd ask. It was the same when DS1 was born, I'd have to beg them to come and visit and frankly it's changed our relationship negatively.

Ironically, my parents will tell everyone how they don't see enough of their granddaughters, yet don't seem to give a toss about their grandsons. It really hurts

I think you are making things more difficult than they really are. You seem to be expecting them to be mind readers. In fact, do they even know that you're struggling this much, let alone what with? Next time they say "If we can do anything, let us know", say "Actually, it would be really helpful if you could ......" Be specific. Even better, don't wait until they offer again, contact them and say "You know you told me to ask if I needed anything? Well, this would be really helpful." Ask once. If it's clear they don't really mean it, you don't have to ask again, but do stop comparing yourself to others (their "help" might come with strings attached for all you know) because, ultimately, it's meaningless. Just be grateful for your lovely and loving mother.

Fair. The proof really is in the pudding!

I feel like a lot of people who trot out "if you need anything just ask" and "If you ever want to talk..." usually mean well but don't really mean it.
I have a wonderful friend who is a distance away from me now who said instead "what can I do to help?" and I felt much more able to actually ask for the help. It might just be semantics but the latter felt much more genuine, and as a person who doesn't like asking for help it meant I didn't feel like I was inconveniencing anyone by asking.

Sorry you're having such a difficult time at the moment op, hopefully someone will step up for you

Maybe they’re afraid of overstepping, or they’re not sure what they should do.

I said ‘if you want help, please ask’ to a neighbour whose wife is in and out of hospital. He takes the dog with him every time he goes to the hospital so I offered to walk/feed/let the dog out if he ever needs it. He never has so far but hopefully he knows I mean it. I don’t want to insist any more because maybe he likes having the dog for company in the car or he’s afraid I’ll let it escape or something.

I supervise others at work and my biggest problem is delegating to the team. I get very stressed out because I think I need to do a lot of things myself.

I had an issue recently with HR regarding a change of personal details (how hard can it be?) and no matter what I did I was hitting brick walls. I had to refer it to my line manager who said WHY DIDN'T YOU REFER THIS TO ME EARLIER? and within 48 hours got it sorted. He said, "Don't struggle, ASK!"

I think I will be the same when DB & I will consider looking after our parents in old age. I am quite independent and think I can manage alone on most things until circumstances tell everyone but me that's not the case. I am also shy and good at avoiding difficult conversations which doesn't serve me well. My DB is going to have such a fun time in the future.

This is very common, same with grief.
Close friends disappear, acquaintances go above and beyond (then get elevated to good friend)
It’s strange

I mean, we’ve had endless discussions about our struggles- because they ask us about them. They know we have very little time, are massively overstretched when it comes to juggling the kids and work, because we’ve spoken to them pretty extensively about it.
We have in the past asked for regular help with school pick ups but they didn’t want to be regular as they’re enjoying retirement which is FINE but then we speak to them (general conversation) they get the idea we are struggling and say “that sounds very hard and stressful” then when we leave say “just ask if you need us” then when we do they can’t.
so they don’t want to do regular childcare (fine by the way) and also aren’t available for ad hoc (usually busy if we ask for them to pick a child up) but also say “if we can help, ask”.

We’d never ask for financial help. The only other areas of our lives are the children and the dog, of which they did suggest they walked twice a week for us but then didn’t- and again couldn’t when we asked so we got a dog walker.

I'm not expecting them to read my mind, I’ve been very honest and open about what we struggle with and why but unless I’m willing to message them every week or two with a request for x,y & z on certain dates I'm probably not going to get any support- in fact when we have done this they’ve got plans, again this is fine but they don’t facilitate their own offer of “just ask if you need us”.

i love my mum dearly and am eternally grateful to have her; she’s the only parent I have left (lost my father at a young age) I’m not sure where in my post I made it seem I didn’t.

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sadly I can relate to similar betrayal albeit many moons ago now. I’m thankful my mum was there for me then otherwise I just don’t know how I would’ve coped.
sending I truly hope you gain some support. Maybe you need to do what I’m being advised to do and be very direct in ways they can’t practically support you if they’re not capable of the emotional side of it?

I feel your pain. I have pils who say the same, but do not actually want to help, just appear that they're offering.
They say "just ask" and I say "yes please! We need xxx or yyy could you possibly do that?" And am met with "oooh I have to check or I'm busy '.
I was extremely ill (just come home from hospital) "if you need any washing done, let me know ". "Oh yes please, I have loads! I'll get some". "Oh yes of course, but give me it next time I see you. I can't today ". Do you think she did take it next time? Nope!

You need a hug & to feel someone cares about you!!

it is totally shit when you just feel like you're drowning and you need someone to be there for you who just sees what you need and help helps. Not people that make it feel like an imposition.

My best friend lives overseas and so does my mum, my mum is too frail now to make the trip and I know my best friend would be on the next plane, she wants to come and help & she's offered to come and help, but she has a job and a family and so I keep telling her I'm coping.

A few people have offered help, but it would just be nice if someone came around and just offered to put the Hoover around or do a few dishes or whatever to make things a bit easier. I know a couple of them would do a specific thing like drive me to an appointment if I needed them to (but I can sort that out through a local service you pay petrol money too, and they volunteer their time). It's the little thing you don't feel you can specifically ask someone to come round and Hoover for example

I can't say too much more because I think a couple of the people are on here & I'd hate to offend them.

Yep!! Sounds familiar!! (but not in laws as I'm single)

My MIL is the same. You could try asking for a small, specific help - eg school pick-up one day next week, or maybe something more aligned with PIL 'talents' - getting a few bits of shopping or whatever? Otherwise may be worth looking elsewhere for help. When we were struggling, we found some of the other mums from school were happy to help out by collecting/having one or both of the DC after school - again, they are unlikely to offer, but if you asked, then they may be perfectly happy to help?

Thank you, and I think you are right, I need to take ownership of organising my own help. Even though it frustrates me. I find it hard enough to ask for help without having to beg for it.

Glad you got the support you needed, it awful to go through something like this eh?

It does sound like you've decided they really don't want to help. I do think you should give them one more try with a set of helpful activities, and see if they could pick any up.

Anyway, onwards. Obviously there's your mum, and hopefully she can dole out hugs as well as filling gaps. For the rest, who else is in your (collective) lives who might be called upon? Does the youngest have a best friend with a nice family who could add some help just for them? Does school or local Childrens services have a support group for the eldest and mutual support for SEND parents? Any siblings, cousins or good friends for you and DH who could add some support for the kids? Any local church who might be willing to at least offer up the tea and sympathy? Without thinking WHAT specifically any of them can do, are you able to write a list of people who should have some interest in helping your family unit? Once you have a list of helpful tasks and a list of people, you might find some other ideas.

I usually say 'If you can think of anything I can do to help, let me know.' I mean this, but I put it that way because I'm often at a loss to work out what would help. I know some people like to bake cakes/casseroles etc, but I wouldn't appreciate that kind of help myself in a crisis...so I do need people to spell it out to me!