To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

Hope you don't have any, if you think that the only interaction that CHILDREN (kids are baby goats), need is an occasional cuddle.

I agree. I don’t understand the theory that it will make them independent. They’re 7/8 years old. They’re not SUPPOSED to be independent at that age. It’s pushing a developmentally inappropriate life skill on a child that is not developmentally able to cope with yet. Hence, as many PP’s have said, and what my friend has experienced, all it results in is becoming inappropriately over-independent- often resulting in trauma, emotional repression, and the inability to form healthy relationships in adulthood. It’s good to hear that’s it’s much less common these days. I also have older relatives who went to boarding school very young in the 60s/70s and sexual and physical abuse was rife. It was all over the news a few years ago - many top boys boarding schools in Edinburgh were run by a peadofile ring with peado teachers recruiting fellow peados into the schools specifically to abuse children. The victims have only just been able to bring lawsuits against their abusers in recent years as it was covered up for so long. Of course, most of the perpetrators are now dead so the victims will never see justice. Obviously there are far more safeguarding procedures in place now but with a history like that I wouldn’t want to risk it

I have wondered about this a lot as I went to boarding school age 11. Ultimately, I have decided that my mother simply hated being a parent (no father around so lots of pressure on her) however she did love me and had a strong sense of duty so boarding school was a way she could give me a good start in life while also having her own life without me around too much.

I do think that we need to be much less judgmental towards women who do not love motherhood and who struggle with it. I would like society to get to a place where we can acknowledge some women are not made to be mothers and that’s ok - they shouldn’t be pushed towards motherhood and, crucially, if they are mothers they should be able to acknowledge they need help without being shamed.

I was gaslit my entire life being told I was very privileged to effectively be sent away, and that my repeated ongoing rejection was something to be grateful for and not question. I knew, of course, that I wasn’t wanted and if this could have been openly acknowledged I would have had a chance to understand that this was not my fault, which was of course the inevitable conclusion that i reached.

But most boarders are not 7/8 years old it’s a tiny minority of boarders who are. I don’t think anyone thinks this about primary age dc. Most boarders at this age have a family atmosphere. Independence comes in much later and interestingly most boarding schools are happy places. Rules tend to be minimal. Dc can develop into themselves.

The strict state academies are the worst schools that punish DC if they forget something or talk in the corridors. Be careful what you wish for!

Ok. Why have a child and send them away for someone else to look after them?

Also think it’s very sad and totally inappropriate to ask a 7 year old what school they think is best when it comes to such a huge decision as boarding. They may want to go cos it sounds like fun staying over with your mates every night with no parents around, or they may say they want to go because they sense it’s what their parents want and they’re trying to please them. All children, subconsciously or not seek approval from their parents. They
can’t possibly grasp the reality of it or understand the long term effects it may have, or understand how vulnerable they may be to abuse. I’m sorry your DH had such a difficult time

I meant the 1% of the top earners in the country

Well… the OP was using her friend as an example: who was bullied at school and presumably had disinterested parents.

There would have been a high likelihood of being bullied at a day school and those disinterested parents would have been who she went home to.

Again what would have been materially different?

I think one very big mistake a lot of you are making is by thinking all or even most parents are like yourselves. There are a lot of shit, incompetent, cruel, clueless, apathetic, and dangerous parents in the world to varying degrees. Even the most well intentioned parents can screw up your kids. Just because you love them and are involved doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to get it right.

A guy I used to work with boarded from 11, his parents could easily afford it and he said they didn’t really want him at home.

@Differentforgirls I'm not ranting. I'm disagreeing. But as you said, I'm not going to change your mind. That being the case, I'm not sure why we are bothering. If you think all parents at home are sitting in front of the TV with their kids the whole time they have it, then I know you're kidding. At prep boarding, screen time is a shared film with snacks etc, not everyone on their own separate devices as it absolutely will be in many many homes.
The v anti bs posts tend to say "kids need" "kids want" with no acknowledgement that all kids are different.

I have to add that I cannot understand the concept of choosing to send your children to boarding school.
I fully respect that we are all different but I believe that sending kids to boarding school deprives then of the 'normality' of family life.

And I’m curious how happy he would have been by going home to these parents every day 🤷‍♀️

This is really directed to @Roxietrees and others that seem to think boarding schools cause parents to become disinterested vs giving disinterested parents (and their children) a place with structure, companionship, and opportunities

I think everyone can agree there are many different ways to parent but one factor that should be present for all children is that their parents are present for them. You don’t need to be a SAHP but they should at least be living with you! And as babies/toddlers should be prioritised so that you at least have a couple of days a week with them. Not unmanageable for working parents. If it is then don’t have kids!

Bad parents cross every income strata.

Why would a young child want to be bathed and cuddled by a professional that’s not related to them and is there because they are being paid rather than these important bonding activities being done by their parents who love them and are doing it because they love them? How is that any different to being in care?

there are extremely few boarding schools for young children even at prep boarding schools 2/3 are day pupils. a single mom/dad who works nights or away for some period of time (flight crew, oil and gas sector or even a nurse working for nights in a row) might find the flexible nature of care very suitable and allows them to remain employed.
so i take it none of you think wycombe abbey or benenden are suitable and only shit parents send their kids to the likes of uwc atlantic college or win col all boarding schools which are highly ranked academically?
the state also has some boarding facilities which again might be extremely beneficial for certain family circumstances where the alternative might be foster care. a very close friend of mine suffered a broken leg long ago and was in traction for 6 weeks, her daughter landed up in foster care a situation which had disastrous long term effects i can't help but thing the communal nature of boarding along with professionally trained staff would have been better even in 2010 when britains youngest boarders was filmed.

No! Parents do not always need to be present beyond age 11. For many they simply are not when it’s day school. Some day schools have a long day and parents won’t see dc for 3 hours! 2 at most. Or less. Mine would not have boarded at age 7 but at 11 it’s fine. For the child that wants to!!

I don't really get it either. I know he doesn't represent everyone and this was a long time ago but Stephen Fry talks about going to boarding school at 7 in his autobiography, The most telling thing is that he briefly went to jail as an older teen and found it far less traumatic than the state school inmates because he had already been institutionalised by his school as a child.
How sad is that? Boarding school felt similar to jail.

One of my friends DHs went at 4 (not UK)

@Roxietrees the statistics don't support your idea that there are many prep aged children who board. the government web site states most boarding preps (of which there are very few) have only 1/3 of the students boarding and 2/3 being day students of the 1/3 all are most likely flexi.

I love it when an OP pontificates on the emotional reasoning behind an action, and despite being offered many arguments explaining why that stance is impossible for the OP to know, still they continue.
As the adage goes, you cannot argue with arrogance

I think it's bloody awful, might as well put them into care. they have a child to pass on the name, inheritance or whatever but don't want to have the work of raising the child, no wonder boarders have so many mental health problems.

How does the rate of MH problems among boarders compare to non boarders?

ETC wrong word

Yeah, in this case I wouldn’t do it either. I briefly worked in a specialist boarding school for kids with additional needs and while the teachers were great, the boarding staff were really cold and harsh with the kids.

And of course, the parents had no clue. They treated the kids so harshly. Wouldn’t even let them talk over their evening meal. It was horrible.