To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

So what is? Are you saying there is only one correct way to parent? And what is that? Please tell us so we can all fit in and do it right 👍

No need to be so confrontational. Parenting doesn't mean passing your children onto someone else for them to parent for you.

I'm sorry your dad was emotionally blunted by boarding school, it certainly doesn't suit some people - horses for courses. It made my sister strong and independent with some boyfriends over the years but nobody she was prepared to change her life for.

So no childcare is ok then? One parent must be at home until children are at least of school age? Great, let's tell the global economy that and all sorted.

Irrespective of whether all boarding schools have changed, my personal opinion is that it is damaging to send very young children to boarding school away from their parents.

I agree. Even if it were non-stop Disneyworld and candyfloss, with all of their best friends there with them, I still think it's damaging to a child's development to be apart from their parents for such long periods.

I am sorry you are unable to understand plain English. Show me a post where I said you had to stay at home all day, every day with your children. A child having a longer day, most of the week, outside their home rather than in it, and a child who lives outside the home are being parented by strangers.

That's a post full of judgements.
Perhaps ask a few parents why, or ask kids who've boarded what it's like.
So folk who want kids can only live and work in jobs that do not involve overseas postings?
And (rich) parents cannot make decisions about how best to educate their children, only people who send their kids to day school can?

Stephen Fry explains in his autobiography that although yes he was homesick at first, if his parents hadn't sent him away to school he would have experienced that as a far worse thing, as it would have signalled that there was something wrong with him. Going away to school was simply what happens, as natural and accepted as any other normal stage of life. In families where that's not the tradition obviously it feels unnatural. You don't need to understand it, it doesn't affect you.

You think all children are planned and have a perfectly settled, financially secure mummy and daddy to welcome them into a nice cosy life? You’re world must be extremely small.

A few days a week at most in the majority of cases. Kids in childcare from 8-6pm will be with the parents (awake) for maybe 3 hours tops on weekdays, most of which will be spent eating, bathing, dressing etc. Prep school boarding houses are not anything like what most people imagine. There's plenty of interaction, cuddles, stories, v little screen time . I get irritated when people are so set against something based on zero first hand recent experience.

I don't agree with it personally. But it's not my concern what others do in regards to their kids' schooling.

My uncle was a teacher at a boarding school and lots of the kids seemed really confident and happy. I'm sure plenty also weren't.
But if someone's got loads of money and that's what they think will help their kids then fine.

I would personally allow my child to choose if they wanted to move schools once they can make informed decisions. People do want to form their own paths and parents should allow that to an extent.

I feel that it is. There may also be emotional damage from lack of parental input in the nanny scenario, that would depend on child and circumstances, but it is different to the total abandonment of being sent away.

“I’m not arrogant enough to think I’m best at parenting”

So you’re saying you thought the staff at your DC’s boarding school could parent them better than you?

'Help' is often the answer. Sometimes local authority, sometimes grandparents but there may also be other forms of help I'm not familiar with. I was teaching rather than Bursary.
A school I knew had a child who had a parent in prison, family was rock bottom, financially and pretty chaotic too.. Child joined for 6th form, thrived and went to university. School was absolutely a safe place for her. No idea how the finance worked.

Total abandonment?? Who does that? Virtually no child is abandoned for weeks. Some military personnel abandon their dc for months and dc don’t see them. Who complains about that? I saw my dc every three weeks and sometimes more often. I am happy I was a good parent and my DDs wanted friends around them.

Home education would have driven us all mad. I don’t see it’s necessary to have dc around every day. My DDs did go on a school exchange to South Africa for a term in y9 aged 13. They were very keen to go. It meant a lot to them to be chosen. I don’t cling to my dc or ensure they fulfil my dreams regarding keeping them close. They don’t have friends all over the world - mostly everyone is in London!

I know that and made that clear in my OP, what I’m curious about is the kids of (wealthy usually- as you need a fair amount of money to fund it without a bursary) parents who CHOOSE to send UNDER 12s to boarding school without a logistal reason eg. Being in the forces or working abroad with no suitable schools nearby. Just as curious to find out why families who aren’t wealthy would do it, with, perhaps a bursary (but there’s usually a reason that makes sense in that case eg. SEN where that’s the only school who can cope with the child’s needs, chaotic family life, extraordinary talent where a specific school can foster such talent etc etc)

Its none of your business what other parents do. I'm sure many people would not understand some of your parenting choices.

Sometimes, kind consistency and an adult being present is what a child needs.
Also, parents do what they think is best for their children, given their own circumstances, which can change very easily.
OP, I think it's helpful to realise that there are many, many ways to bring up children. You knew someone for whom boarding school was awful. There are lots of completely untraumatised happy kids out there who were very happy at school.

I had a friend once who sent her 2 boys to boarding school from the age of 8, not because of terrible home circumstances or work. It was purely because the DH went through it when he was that age and he believed it would be good for their independence. My friend did say that he was very emotionally detached from his parents which makes sense but then why put your own kids through it. Interestingly they also had a daughter who didn't go to boarding school. They were quite a well off family and it looks like they followed tradition. My friend was not really happy about it and didn't really fight for the boys. I have no idea how they were at boarding school as the they moved away from the area soon after.

I also have a niece who went to boarding school at 11+ as her parents had a lot of money and thought it may be good for her future career. She absolutely hated it and cried to her parents over the phone everyday and she was soon pulled out and sent to a day school.

Kids need to be near their parents so that they are there for the cuddles at bedtime and to wipe away any anxieties they may have. You can't do that in a boarding school and so your emotions harden as you do not want to be seen as weak in front of your peers.

I can see that. However you have to understand that people have different views. I think boarding schools AND all day childcare are abhorrent. You don't. You won't change my mind, especially by comparing the two. The children in both scenarios are institutionalised The "interaction, cuddles, stories, v little screen time are by strangers - not the people who brought them into this world. You trying to justify it by ranting at me won't change my opinion. Btw the "very little screentime" means letting children watch on their own. Screentime when shared with parents makes memories. Children in both institutions make memories with people who look after them for money.

Yes because sexual predators work exclusively in boarding schools

Kids do not need to be near their parents - some kids need to be near their parents for cuddles. Depends on the kid. Others need a cuddle occasionally and they get them.

My DDs and me were not strangers! How utterly bizarre to think that. Judgemental and totally wrong!

Of course they don't; but there's obviously far more opportunity for them to pounce - in the evening or at nights.

Frightened children can't even escape home, because the school effectively IS their home for long periods of their lives.