To think dp should stop paying child support....

[VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa]

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

You are not being unreasonable to think that it's time DP addressed the exit strategy, or that a young graduate working full-time is ready to become financially independent. But if I were you I would not go swimming in those reeds. Whenever the subject comes up between you and DP, encourage him to talk to his ex and his children about when their allowances are going to cease but otherwise... shtum.

None of your business, sorry.

Haven't read the full thread but my thoughts

1. 22 year old- Stop paying maintenance.
2. 19 year old at Uni - stop paying maintenance to mother, but start paying money directly to child. Stop once graduated.
3. 17 year old - continue paying maintenance to mother until they go to uni then switch to paying money directly to child while at uni. Stop once graduated

As mother is used to receiving this money then would be reasonable to give her notice. Perhaps start with 3 months notice to stop oldest, then stop middle from September

Aside from the fact that it’s not though CMS
it seems that he’s setting up his child to be
reliant on other people, not take responsibility for their living costs etc
huge mistake ime
that’s important lessons here they’re gonna end up like the mother expecting to be cut by somebody else. It’s not good for them.
if he wants to put something aside for them I would set up a separate account put something in that every month and then gift it to them when they need a car or house or something like that once how to take responsibility for themselves

Exactly this.

There are all sorts of situations where it might be appropriate for him to continue paying maintenance to the mother of his children, for example, if she had to buy a house to accommodate all three of the children and still has to pay that mortgage even though one has moved out. Remember also that it’s likely her earning power suffered as a result of having those children, so she might really struggle if the maintenance suddenly stops.

The costs don’t just evaporate when the child becomes an adult - there’s a whole set-up already established.

Apologies voice text and forgot to check
but u get the idea hopefully

Do you think he feels guilty that she sacrificed building a career of her own to raise the children? This could go some way to explain things. She sounds like she’ll be up the creek in the future, and perhaps this is what drives him on to keep paying.

I think at 18 years of age, it’d be fair for him to give them each a bit of money directly or something less official. Not to keep paying it to his ex wife after such a long time divorced and them being legally adults.

As they are all adults, if he has a good relationship with them then I would sit down with them and explain that it’s usual to stop paying at 19, and ask what support they would ideally need. I wouldn’t give regular payments to the older ones, but would help with rent, or put money into savings, or whatever felt best. Their mum should have nothing to do with money for them from your DH at their ages (aside from the 18yo as CMS would expect this to continue to age 19)

There's no reason to give any money to the mum for the kids. He can just give it to them directly.
Maybe the 18 yo until they're either at Uni/working. But the others are adults now. The mum doesn't need to be involved in any money he chooses to give them.
So definitely he should just say it will go to them now. But you can't say it on his behalf.

I agree with you. I imagine she has lost a host of universal credit payments once the children have reached 18. So can’t cope if she also loses child maintenance.

Eldest son should contribute & ex wife should work more hours.

Do the 3 ‘Children’ know he is paying their mum and how much he pays?

Wow he sounds like a saint-- can teach my ex, who refused to pay maintenance by all means necessary! Though I agree, adult children can be asked and paid directly, regardless of what their mother wants.

I'm also a step-mum. Maintenance stopped immediately the children left full-time school and they were headed for uni. We then arranged with both kids what we would give them a month, and once they had a full-time job, and they'd had their first salary, we stopped. We paid for their first year's professional fees and have helped them with home deposits, car deposits, that sort of thing. Their other parent gave the eldest money each month for the first year, then stopped. Younger one got nothing.
I think your partner's ex needs to get a job, she can't keep relying on him to keep a roof over her head. It's also not his job to make sure she has a home they can return to in the holidays from university.

The very day my ex could stop paying maintenance for his DC he did, totally expected as he had to be forced to part with his money via CM and thinks he 'propped' up my household for far too long.

No wonder you’re fed up. It’s not just the compromises and subsidies you’re already making, but the potential for this to go on and on and perhaps even get worse.

I totally agree with those saying the payments for the eldest stop, he can help the middle one direct if he chooses and should pay the ex for the youngest until September this year (then help direct if he chooses). He can give ex 3 months notice of this now. She can then ask eldest for rent.

Her finances sound completely unsustainable but that’s not his problem to solve. The longer he leaves it the more likely he will get dragged down.

Has he sat down and done a budget lately? Would that help him to see how out of balance things have become? He can also talk to his boys and get everything out in the open?

Maybe he could look up the child support calculator and see what he would pay and what he is paying.
Then he could use July as a cut off point for any child who has finished Uni.
If he tells his ex now, she has time to.plan.

Yes exactly. And women of all people should be supportive of this, even if they’ve managed to not put themselves in that position

Bonkers. He shouldn’t be leaving himself short in order to give money to a working adult.

Typical stepmum answer. You have no idea what situation the ex partner is in, and no doubt raising his kids while he ringfences his career means she’ll likely be in 50s or more with limited earning capacity. But she could be a high flyer, who knows? It’s really bitchy to hone in on “the mum getting a job” now she’s done her bit and basically be discarded. The children still need a home also

I was wondering if the children had any idea.

my ex pays a proportion to eldest at uni for their living expenses and a proportion to me (all set out in our financial arrangement). Rationale being that eldest comes back to me to live during holidays. This will end after graduation (officially payments to both of us but I hope he will help the eldest if needed until earning). Full amount to me for the youngest as still at school. Same arrangement in place if youngest goes to uni.

@AnotherNaCha I realise my reply has touched a raw nerve with you. She does need to get her own finances in order though and do what is needed to be financially independent from her ex-husband. Whether that is getting a job or finding out if she is eligible to claim any benefits.

I agree, but it’s a shame if the OP has to holiday alone, just to get the message across. But I have no better ideas

Child maintenance payements are not legally binding after the child is 18yrs of age. At 18yrs, a child is considered a young adult by law, therefore not a child, therefore no child support payements are required. They cease being supported through child support payements, on the last day of August, as the child should be going to uni, working or signing on, in the September,now they are 18yrs old. They are now expected to look after themselves, legally. Cannot understand why on earth he is paying for a 20yr old....madness