To think dp should stop paying child support....

[VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa]

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

You might find that once you've had a couple of holidays without him - as he cannot afford it - he will understand more how his choice is affecting his & your life.

Not sure why people are saying he should pay them directly. They're living at home! Presumably the ex is paying for the heating, the food, all the home comforts and the hundreds of different expenses related to the maintenance and upkeep of a house. She'd have a hell of a smaller bill if it were just her living there.

And if they were still married the father would be contributing to all that.

Single parent here. When my DS finished A levels, I told me ex-H to stop paying maintenance for him, but asked him to give some of the money to DS for when he started Uni. I wouldn’t expect his Dad to carry on paying maintenance,

Eldest child - he needs to stop paying for, he works fulltime and even if he still lives at home he can pay his mum rent.

Middle child - stops paying ex and gives money direct to child.

Youngest - still pays ex as this child is still in fulltime education

That's her choice and if they were still married the father may or may not agree to it.

Most people expect their university aged children to take out a loan to fund living costs (albeit most students also need parental help as the loan no longer covers everything) and a 22 yo working FT would be expected to pay into the household or get their own place.

Does your ex partner/husband still pay to your grown up kids ?

Could you maybe suggest that instead of paying child maintenance for the older 2 that he maybe opens a savings account for them and pays a set amount in each month so that he is still helping support their future lives but it's going direct to them and when the youngest gets to a certain age he does same for them.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice Yes, many parents contribute towards their adult child’s living expenses when they’re starting out, I don’t see DH and I cutting off our children financially the moment they graduate.

As @Blueblell says though, the real
concern here is that it sounds as if his ex also relies on this money for her own living expenses, not just the children’s, and it doesn’t sounds as if they’ve discussed a timeframe for reducing/ending these payments.

At some point, one or more of the adult children will decide to move out and she needs to prepare for that. What if the younger two decide not to move home after uni? That’s a big chunk of money suddenly gone. Better to discuss this now than have a messy situation in the future.

Sounds like ex wife is living it up on three lots of money she doesn’t pay to the kids because they are adults. He needs to stop paying now so you as a couple can enjoy more together, if his kids need things then that’s fine but shouldn’t be aging this money so ex wife can live in the lap of luxury

He should only pay to ExW for the child still in full time education.
The middle child will have got the full maintenance loan as ExW will be low income.
The eldest should be paying rent/board to their mother out of their own wages.
ExW probably needs to get a job if she’s relying on maintenance for the two older children

As per CMS he’s only responsible for the youngest child and that is only until he leaves further education. Once they start uni and child benefit stops, you don’t pay.

now if you wish to provide help when they are at uni then you should, but it should be to the child, not the mother.

if the mother wants money for them living there then the child will need to geta job and pay her for board.

My starting point now would be for him to sit down with each of his children in turn and ask them for a run down of what they get from their mum now, and what they've ever got in the cases of the older two. Then he at least knows the extent of the potential unfairness towards the kids and can act accordingly.

I’m in the minority but I think you are probably best staying out of it, especially as you maintain separate finances and don’t have a DC together. Are you married? Have you been living together long? It’s really up to him how he supports his DC and for how long; I could imagine many reasons why he might want to go above and beyond (as he’s done by paying over the required amount). I think it reflects really well on him. If he wants ideas from you about how to extricate himself from the payments that’s fine but if he’s happy with the status quo, I’d leave well alone.

ExDH paid child maintenance to me until they went to university then he carried on paying it but directly to them as his contribution toward their living costs
They are now older and he doesn’t pay anything but is fairly generous directly to them for birthday, Xmas etc - house deposit, wedding contributions and one offs like emergency car repairs - as am I 😊

I don't expect maintenance from ex when dc leaves school - I would expect him to treat or give support to dc directly. Once your child is an adult it shouldn't be up to the parent to decide what their financial support needs spent on

My SD graduated uni last year. She's now working full time. DP stopped paying her maintenance as soon as she started the full time job. He admits he could have stopped paying sooner but as she was staying away for uni the CM went directly to her, not his Ex so he wanted to support her whilst still in education which was fair enough.
He only started paying her directly when she moved away, up until then he'd been paying his ex.

Child maintenance in the U.K. is only up to 18. He should stop paying for the oldest 2 or at least to the working one since he is no longer a dependent .
where I’m from child maintenance is paid until 25 as long as the child studies ! Which is fine if its used that way , in our case my hubby has a child who is almost 19 and failed 3 courses and just keeps jumping from one place to the next so he doesn’t have to work . His ex is useless at making him keep his promises and allows him do as he wishes so he skips school and plays games all day . No matter how much dad tries to help ( and we honestly try our best finding places , finding professional courses etc ) in his words , mum always supports me so I know I can do what I want “ .

Your finances are separate so I still think it’s none of your business. It’s down to him. Are you interested in what he’s put in his will also?

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa is it possible that he isn’t being entirely honest with you? I think his ex has come to rely on the child maintenance and he is happy to continue to pay her. It sounds like he is now paying spousal maintenance! Especially if some of the children are no longer living at home/are only home during uni holidays. Having said that, her housing requirements will still be substantial if some or all of the children are still living at home/home for the hols.The eldest needs to pay his share of the bills though. Wouldn’t he need to contribute to his middle child’s university costs? I’m not sure why his contribution to that is going to the mother..

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa Of course YANBU. I would be asking why he's still paying for the 22yr old when he's not legally obliged to - from .gov.uk: Child maintenance is typically required until a child turns 16 or, if they are in full-time education or training, until they turn 20. Once a child reaches 20 or leaves full-time education/training, the obligation to pay child maintenance usually ends.

My court ordered agreement is maintenance until the kids are 23, if they are in full time education (paid straight to me, not to them).

Unless the eldest is in some kind of training role, it's reasonable to stop paying for them - they're an independent adult with a job now. Although by all means, keep it in an emergency fund rather than spend it in case they need a helping hand at some point.

I was going to say your unreasonable then I saw one was at university and the other had a job. They are adults getting their own money so why do they need child maintenance? How bizarre. They should both be paying their mother moneynout of their wages/universal grants and loans. They will end up with no concept of money if their dad is paying their way.

My father stopped paying when we left full time education. He gave us a small monthly amount direct to us. And helped out if we needed anything. No way would he have kept paying my mother. Does ex have a job??