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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be made to feel guilty for this?

110 replies

Burpeehater · 22/04/2025 11:16

I’m a single mum with 2 dds, 11 & 17.
My bf has asked if I’d like to go away for 7 nights, before we book I wanted to check with younger dds dad that he was ok to look after her for 7 nights, or if he couldn’t arrange for my mum to help out.
Eldest dd is more than capable of looking after herself.
I messaged youngest dds Dad last night to say would he be ok to have her, if not no problem as my mum would do it.
we don’t get along and have recently had a year and a half long non molestation order against him come to an end. I worded it in a way that didn’t make it sound like he had the control over me to stop me from going away, as he would say no if he thought he could.
His response was along the lines of ‘Wow!!! Have you not taken our daughter’s feelings into concern about this at all!’

Am I wrong for going on holiday without my DD’s? Is it something I should feel guilty for or is he just making me feel guilty for no reason?
I know whoever looks after my dd, she will be well looked after and happy, she’ll obviously miss me but we also have our own holiday to look forward to together later in the year.

OP posts:
SilverButton · 22/04/2025 11:17

He's emotionally manipulating you OP. Don't let him make you feel guilty.

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t leave my child to go on holiday for a week in all honestly.

MattCauthon · 22/04/2025 11:19

Dont 'listen to anything he says.

On MN, you will get ots of people saying going away for a week is a disaster and cruel. I disagree. If your dd will be fine, a week away is perfectly reasonable.

Tbrh · 22/04/2025 11:20

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t leave my child to go on holiday for a week in all honestly.

They're 11 and 17!! Go on holiday OP and enjoy!

ObsidianTree · 22/04/2025 11:21

At 11 year old your youngest is old enough to not need you there for a week. Her father is a parent too and I bet he's gone on holidays without the kids.

MynameisJune · 22/04/2025 11:21

For me it would depend on if you’re taking your DD’s on a holiday this year too. If this is likely to be the only holiday you can afford then maybe YB a bit U but if not then go for it.

I’d personally just fell too guilty having a holiday myself if I couldn’t give my DD’s a holiday too.

Original poster
Burpeehater · 22/04/2025 11:23

MynameisJune · 22/04/2025 11:21

For me it would depend on if you’re taking your DD’s on a holiday this year too. If this is likely to be the only holiday you can afford then maybe YB a bit U but if not then go for it.

I’d personally just fell too guilty having a holiday myself if I couldn’t give my DD’s a holiday too.

My DD’s and I have a holiday planned in July to look forward too, so they aren’t going without.
This holiday with my bf is an early birthday present, I wouldn’t be paying for a holiday for myself without taking my girls with me.

OP posts:
juneisjuly · 22/04/2025 11:25

have you taken her feelings into account? Have you asked her how she would feel if you went away for a week?
she might be perfectly happy but if it’s a new boyfriend then I could imagine she might end up feeling rejected.

Original poster
Burpeehater · 22/04/2025 11:28

juneisjuly · 22/04/2025 11:25

have you taken her feelings into account? Have you asked her how she would feel if you went away for a week?
she might be perfectly happy but if it’s a new boyfriend then I could imagine she might end up feeling rejected.

Yes, of course I’ve asked her if she minded me going away for a week.
I’ve been away for 4 nights last year and she was fine for that time, but I wanted to check that she’d be ok with it being longer before I agreed to going.
She said she didn’t mind, and we planned to FaceTime every day while I was gone and she asked if she could go to her Dad’s for the week.

OP posts:
YourOnMute · 22/04/2025 11:29

Enjoy your holiday and ignore that pain in the ass ex

Original poster
Burpeehater · 22/04/2025 11:30

The holiday also falls Tuesday - Tuesday and she would be at her Dad’s house from Friday after school until Monday when she went back to school. So really it’s only an extra few nights for her.

OP posts:
CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:31

Tbrh · 22/04/2025 11:20

They're 11 and 17!! Go on holiday OP and enjoy!

Show quote history

I’m aware of their ages, I can read.

I have teenagers and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them for 7 days.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 22/04/2025 11:34

Has he been on holiday without the children since you split up?

I'm so glad this manipulative man is an ex.

RhubarbCrumbs · 22/04/2025 11:34

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:31

I’m aware of their ages, I can read.

I have teenagers and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them for 7 days.

Edited
Show quote history

She wants to leave her with her other parent though, I really don’t get the issue.

My DS is 4 and I’ve left him with his dad plenty of times to go away with friends.

OP, your ex is being a prick.

JustSawJohnny · 22/04/2025 11:35

FFS it's a holiday, not an abandonment.

Stop being manipulated by this man, OP.

I'm damn sure he wouldn't question going away himself, would he?!

GoneGirl12345 · 22/04/2025 11:39

He is trying to gaslight you.

Enjoy your holiday and don't feel guilty at all. You deserve happiness too.

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:40

My own view, which I know others will disagree with, is that 7 days is a long time to go away without DC and also that choosing to spend family money and/or annual leave to spend so much time away from them, probably isn't helpful to them and their security/self esteem.

As I say, I know others will disagree, but depending on the children, and these have already had some challenges in their childhood, the message that mum wants to leave them for a week isn't helpful IMO. (You did ask!).

I've never understood why parents want to spend their precious leisure time away from DC though. I suppose if you're normally with them 24/7 that might be different

Mudflaps · 22/04/2025 11:42

Go and enjoy your holiday, your ex is just trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad. I also don't understand parents who say they'd never leave their children to have a few days away, even when the children are teenagers. Once the children are being looked after by adults that you trust, that the children are happy to spend time with and everyone is confident about the arrangements I think its a good thing to do. You are taking the children on a separate holiday so it's not as if you're getting away and they aren't, go enjoy and relax, there is no requirement to be a martyr just because you're a parent.

worriedmum7777 · 22/04/2025 11:42

your ex is being true to form and being a dick. I bet he’s gone 7 days without seeing his dc.

Go on holiday and have a lovely time. Don’t engage with your ex.

MynameisJune · 22/04/2025 11:44

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:40

My own view, which I know others will disagree with, is that 7 days is a long time to go away without DC and also that choosing to spend family money and/or annual leave to spend so much time away from them, probably isn't helpful to them and their security/self esteem.

As I say, I know others will disagree, but depending on the children, and these have already had some challenges in their childhood, the message that mum wants to leave them for a week isn't helpful IMO. (You did ask!).

I've never understood why parents want to spend their precious leisure time away from DC though. I suppose if you're normally with them 24/7 that might be different

Seriously? Mum wants to leave them for a week? What kind of guilt inducing, mum shaming, virtue signalling is this?

@Burpeehater self care and modelling that as a mum to daughters is so important! Otherwise they’ll end up like posters on this thread who are so self sacrificing they can’t spend any time away from their kids 🙄

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:50

MynameisJune · 22/04/2025 11:44

Seriously? Mum wants to leave them for a week? What kind of guilt inducing, mum shaming, virtue signalling is this?

@Burpeehater self care and modelling that as a mum to daughters is so important! Otherwise they’ll end up like posters on this thread who are so self sacrificing they can’t spend any time away from their kids 🙄

Show quote history

As I said, just my personal view, which is based on working with young people struggling with the huge upsurge in anxiety we're seeing. It's complex and there are many contributing factors, but I do think the the priority parents place on spending time close to them makes a difference.

Obviously other people will think differently, but this is one (of many) things that have changed for our current young people. A generation ago it would have been practically unheard of for parents to holiday regularly without DC, except perhaps for the very wealthy, who's DC have always had fragile MH.

DaisyChain505 · 22/04/2025 11:51

I would just go straight for asking your mum to have her the extra days. Offering it to him gives him the power to play with you and give you a last minute reason why he can no longer have her.

MadamDicey · 22/04/2025 11:52

If your mum is happy to help ask her , don't listen to a word he says , your daughter will be fine .
Go and enjoy yourself

Bobnobob · 22/04/2025 11:53

Of course it’s fine. You are not only leaving them with a responsible adult, you are leaving them with their parent! Has he never been on holiday for a week without them? Nobody would think twice about that!

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 11:56

ObsidianTree · 22/04/2025 11:21

At 11 year old your youngest is old enough to not need you there for a week. Her father is a parent too and I bet he's gone on holidays without the kids.

Exactly this. And FWIW I have been leaving my DCs in the charge of their father since the age of 5 and 3 for several weeks every year (barring covid) as my fam ily live in Australia and I have to go there for whatever reason. So a PP acting all horrified you might leave them for a week on holiday to my mind is being ridiculous.

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