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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be made to feel guilty for this?

110 replies

Burpeehater · 22/04/2025 11:16

I’m a single mum with 2 dds, 11 & 17.
My bf has asked if I’d like to go away for 7 nights, before we book I wanted to check with younger dds dad that he was ok to look after her for 7 nights, or if he couldn’t arrange for my mum to help out.
Eldest dd is more than capable of looking after herself.
I messaged youngest dds Dad last night to say would he be ok to have her, if not no problem as my mum would do it.
we don’t get along and have recently had a year and a half long non molestation order against him come to an end. I worded it in a way that didn’t make it sound like he had the control over me to stop me from going away, as he would say no if he thought he could.
His response was along the lines of ‘Wow!!! Have you not taken our daughter’s feelings into concern about this at all!’

Am I wrong for going on holiday without my DD’s? Is it something I should feel guilty for or is he just making me feel guilty for no reason?
I know whoever looks after my dd, she will be well looked after and happy, she’ll obviously miss me but we also have our own holiday to look forward to together later in the year.

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 22/04/2025 12:05

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:50

As I said, just my personal view, which is based on working with young people struggling with the huge upsurge in anxiety we're seeing. It's complex and there are many contributing factors, but I do think the the priority parents place on spending time close to them makes a difference.

Obviously other people will think differently, but this is one (of many) things that have changed for our current young people. A generation ago it would have been practically unheard of for parents to holiday regularly without DC, except perhaps for the very wealthy, who's DC have always had fragile MH.

Show quote history

Do you think the uptick in anxiety is really caused by parents leaving their children for a week to go on holiday?

Not the rise of social media and the internet plus the damage screen time can have, the fact that parents are now more under pressure than ever due to cost of living crisis, generally both parents having to work outside of the home, also the fact that we are now more aware of MH issues so saying that there’s an upsurge in anxiety might not be true. There was probably a lot anxiety when I was a teenager but we didn’t haven’t a label for it. So actually today’s teens might be better off because we’re aware of MH and get them help for it.

I’m 40, my parents divorced when I was a toddler, I absolutely remember my mum and step dad going away on holidays together without us. Of all the things to cause trauma in my childhood that was not one of them. And no they weren’t ‘wealthy’ and your blanket stereotype of ‘wealthy’ kids having poor MH historically is just a bit gross. You clearly believe once someone becomes a parent they should only ever serve the needs of their kids.

Parents are still people, with their own needs, thoughts and feelings. They deserve time away from responsibility if it’s at all possible and they don’t need to be made to feel guilty or like they’re causing their kids MH problems.

FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 12:11

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:31

I’m aware of their ages, I can read.

I have teenagers and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them for 7 days.

Edited
Show quote history

Why? What do you suppose would happen to tgem

FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 12:13

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:40

My own view, which I know others will disagree with, is that 7 days is a long time to go away without DC and also that choosing to spend family money and/or annual leave to spend so much time away from them, probably isn't helpful to them and their security/self esteem.

As I say, I know others will disagree, but depending on the children, and these have already had some challenges in their childhood, the message that mum wants to leave them for a week isn't helpful IMO. (You did ask!).

I've never understood why parents want to spend their precious leisure time away from DC though. I suppose if you're normally with them 24/7 that might be different

Only the mother? What about all the time divorced dads have away from the kids

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 12:16

MynameisJune · 22/04/2025 12:05

Do you think the uptick in anxiety is really caused by parents leaving their children for a week to go on holiday?

Not the rise of social media and the internet plus the damage screen time can have, the fact that parents are now more under pressure than ever due to cost of living crisis, generally both parents having to work outside of the home, also the fact that we are now more aware of MH issues so saying that there’s an upsurge in anxiety might not be true. There was probably a lot anxiety when I was a teenager but we didn’t haven’t a label for it. So actually today’s teens might be better off because we’re aware of MH and get them help for it.

I’m 40, my parents divorced when I was a toddler, I absolutely remember my mum and step dad going away on holidays together without us. Of all the things to cause trauma in my childhood that was not one of them. And no they weren’t ‘wealthy’ and your blanket stereotype of ‘wealthy’ kids having poor MH historically is just a bit gross. You clearly believe once someone becomes a parent they should only ever serve the needs of their kids.

Parents are still people, with their own needs, thoughts and feelings. They deserve time away from responsibility if it’s at all possible and they don’t need to be made to feel guilty or like they’re causing their kids MH problems.

Show quote history

As I said, there are many contributing factors, but I do think it makes a difference, yes. Especially where parents have split (which is already hard on DC, no matter how necessary it was) and are choosing to spend time away from DC with a new partner. You're perfectly entitled to disagree, but that's my view, which I was asked for.

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 12:18

FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 12:13

Only the mother? What about all the time divorced dads have away from the kids

Show quote history

The OP, who asked the question is a mother. I was responding to her, but yes you're right, just as harmful when fathers do it.

Cosycover · 22/04/2025 12:19

Has he ever been on holiday without them?

Daisyvodka · 22/04/2025 12:24

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 12:16

As I said, there are many contributing factors, but I do think it makes a difference, yes. Especially where parents have split (which is already hard on DC, no matter how necessary it was) and are choosing to spend time away from DC with a new partner. You're perfectly entitled to disagree, but that's my view, which I was asked for.

Show quote history

No child has ever been irretrievably traumatised by their parents being away for a week unless there were serious mitigating factors.
A child will not be scarred for life from disappointment that their parent went away without them unless there are serious mitigating factors.
It is incredibly important that children learn to be away from their parents, learn how to deal with disappointment, and learn that their parents have lives without them.
I'm interested in what age you believe it would be appropriate for OP to teach her child these important life skills. I hope I don't sound combative, I am a child of divorce myself!

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 12:35

Daisyvodka · 22/04/2025 12:24

No child has ever been irretrievably traumatised by their parents being away for a week unless there were serious mitigating factors.
A child will not be scarred for life from disappointment that their parent went away without them unless there are serious mitigating factors.
It is incredibly important that children learn to be away from their parents, learn how to deal with disappointment, and learn that their parents have lives without them.
I'm interested in what age you believe it would be appropriate for OP to teach her child these important life skills. I hope I don't sound combative, I am a child of divorce myself!

Show quote history

I didn't say once, but this is not the first trip OP has had without DC

Ellie1015 · 22/04/2025 12:51

You have considered you dd's feelings if she was a child who would not cope you wouldn't be going. She will be happy and well looked after. You should not pay any attention to your ex's opinion only is he available or not.

Enjoy your holiday!

Naunet · 22/04/2025 13:05

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:40

My own view, which I know others will disagree with, is that 7 days is a long time to go away without DC and also that choosing to spend family money and/or annual leave to spend so much time away from them, probably isn't helpful to them and their security/self esteem.

As I say, I know others will disagree, but depending on the children, and these have already had some challenges in their childhood, the message that mum wants to leave them for a week isn't helpful IMO. (You did ask!).

I've never understood why parents want to spend their precious leisure time away from DC though. I suppose if you're normally with them 24/7 that might be different

Meanwhile you have dads that only see their kids every other weekend and society isn't up in arms about it.

Go OP, they'll be with their dad, not left on the streets to cope until you come back.

Newnameforaday88 · 22/04/2025 13:10

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:40

My own view, which I know others will disagree with, is that 7 days is a long time to go away without DC and also that choosing to spend family money and/or annual leave to spend so much time away from them, probably isn't helpful to them and their security/self esteem.

As I say, I know others will disagree, but depending on the children, and these have already had some challenges in their childhood, the message that mum wants to leave them for a week isn't helpful IMO. (You did ask!).

I've never understood why parents want to spend their precious leisure time away from DC though. I suppose if you're normally with them 24/7 that might be different

I’m rolling my eyes so hard at some of these comments!!
she’s having a week’s holiday not putting them up for adoption.
of course you should go Op, I’d bet a year’s salary that both fathers have had multiple holidays without their daughters.
as long as your dd is happy and well cared for then nobody else’s opinion really matters.

namechange55465 · 22/04/2025 13:16

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 12:35

I didn't say once, but this is not the first trip OP has had without DC

Show quote history

Out of interest, how do you feel about the kids going on holiday with their dad for a week without mum?

We often have DSC for a week or more during school holidays (either going away, or that's just how we work out the contact schedule) during which I have no idea what DSC's mum does (have a well deserved rest, presumably, but she could well go away with her boyfriend). Do you think that's traumatising them too, or is the fact that OP has asked her ex to have the DC that is for some reason making you feel like this?

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2025 13:17

@Burpeehater you say you have a non molestation order against him so you know he wants to get under your skin? Ignore this completely and do what works for you. I agree that asking your mum to have DD for the extra days might be best to avoid any further negotiations or guilt tripping.

Have a fantastic time.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 22/04/2025 13:19

Wow some of these comments! Children have two parents and they’re equally responsible for parenting.
My DC’s have been spending alternate weeks at a time at either home with me or with their dad in the school holidays since my youngest was 2.
Both myself and ExH have had holidays when the other looked after the kids to enable them to go. My DC was away with her Gran last week so we could both work. My DC’s are fine and not damaged in any way by being away from me. Or their dad.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with going on holiday whilst the other parent looks after their own child. Or a grandparent.
OP - go and have a great time on holiday. You’ll be a healthier and happier parent if you do things that you enjoy.

Springtimehere · 22/04/2025 13:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 13:23

Absolutely fine.

It's not that one parent or GP isn't capable of caring or them alone at a practical level, it's the choosing to spend time away from them, when time is the most valuable thing any of us have. I think you're kidding yourselves if you think that doesn't have an impact on DC, especially if it's frequently and especially when it's to spend time with a new partner.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2025 13:26

MynameisJune · 22/04/2025 11:21

For me it would depend on if you’re taking your DD’s on a holiday this year too. If this is likely to be the only holiday you can afford then maybe YB a bit U but if not then go for it.

I’d personally just fell too guilty having a holiday myself if I couldn’t give my DD’s a holiday too.

Couldn’t you be bothered to read all the way to the end of the op?

Don’t let him guilt you @Burpeehater (I hate them too!), he’s trying to take the shine off for you. Don’t let him.

Daisyvodka · 22/04/2025 13:26

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 13:23

Absolutely fine.

It's not that one parent or GP isn't capable of caring or them alone at a practical level, it's the choosing to spend time away from them, when time is the most valuable thing any of us have. I think you're kidding yourselves if you think that doesn't have an impact on DC, especially if it's frequently and especially when it's to spend time with a new partner.

Okay, and how do you feel about the many, many, many people who have grown up with separated parents doing this where it's had no effect on us at all? I know a lot of people with divorced parents and I dont know a single one who was impacted by a parent taking a holiday away - it's how the parent behaved when they were actually around them that's the problem.

zingally · 22/04/2025 13:27

7 nights away with a boyfriend while your children stay at home doesn't really sit right with me either tbh.

Personally I wouldn't leave a 17yo home alone for an entire week either. A couple of days okay, but a week? That seems like a lot.

lazycats · 22/04/2025 13:27

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t leave my child to go on holiday for a week in all honestly.

They’re 11, not a toddler ffs. They won’t spontaneously combust.

Bustyfashionlover · 22/04/2025 13:30

You absolutely shouldn't feel guilty! You are there 24/7 for your children I'm sure. Part-time dads are often only vocal when mums need a break. Its sadly always a way to keep control over a past relationship.

Dinosweetpea · 22/04/2025 13:39

Absolutely go, he's being a dick and still trying to control you.
Ignore some of the ridiculous comments on here .

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 13:53

MynameisJune · 22/04/2025 12:05

Do you think the uptick in anxiety is really caused by parents leaving their children for a week to go on holiday?

Not the rise of social media and the internet plus the damage screen time can have, the fact that parents are now more under pressure than ever due to cost of living crisis, generally both parents having to work outside of the home, also the fact that we are now more aware of MH issues so saying that there’s an upsurge in anxiety might not be true. There was probably a lot anxiety when I was a teenager but we didn’t haven’t a label for it. So actually today’s teens might be better off because we’re aware of MH and get them help for it.

I’m 40, my parents divorced when I was a toddler, I absolutely remember my mum and step dad going away on holidays together without us. Of all the things to cause trauma in my childhood that was not one of them. And no they weren’t ‘wealthy’ and your blanket stereotype of ‘wealthy’ kids having poor MH historically is just a bit gross. You clearly believe once someone becomes a parent they should only ever serve the needs of their kids.

Parents are still people, with their own needs, thoughts and feelings. They deserve time away from responsibility if it’s at all possible and they don’t need to be made to feel guilty or like they’re causing their kids MH problems.

Show quote history

I'm a similar age and my DPs went on holiday without me too. I had a really amazing week with my GPs. I'm really not sure how @Cookiebix has come to that conclusion. I don't buy for one minute that parents holidays have anything to do with the rise in anxiety.
No single dad would feel guilty about a holiday without his kids and he would probably be met with comments about how deserving he is of a break. I hope OP has a fantastic guilt free holiday.

Cornetto3 · 22/04/2025 13:56

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t leave my child to go on holiday for a week in all honestly.

Well done you!

Ive left mine, and now they've left me for university and well paid jobs.

No damage from one of their parents going away for a while

andtheworldrollson · 22/04/2025 13:59

My best guess is that the rise in aniexty is actually related to children being too smoothered by parents - by not going to their grandparents for sleepovers and weeks at a time , so that they don’t learn to cope with different circumstances in a safe and age appropriate way.

by leaveing childen in the care of others, So when they come to fledge they already have experience of being away from home without parents , of learning to rub along with different family dynamics and different household norms, and with being able to cope without mummy and daddy for a while