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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be made to feel guilty for this?

110 replies

Burpeehater · 22/04/2025 11:16

I’m a single mum with 2 dds, 11 & 17.
My bf has asked if I’d like to go away for 7 nights, before we book I wanted to check with younger dds dad that he was ok to look after her for 7 nights, or if he couldn’t arrange for my mum to help out.
Eldest dd is more than capable of looking after herself.
I messaged youngest dds Dad last night to say would he be ok to have her, if not no problem as my mum would do it.
we don’t get along and have recently had a year and a half long non molestation order against him come to an end. I worded it in a way that didn’t make it sound like he had the control over me to stop me from going away, as he would say no if he thought he could.
His response was along the lines of ‘Wow!!! Have you not taken our daughter’s feelings into concern about this at all!’

Am I wrong for going on holiday without my DD’s? Is it something I should feel guilty for or is he just making me feel guilty for no reason?
I know whoever looks after my dd, she will be well looked after and happy, she’ll obviously miss me but we also have our own holiday to look forward to together later in the year.

OP posts:
NoisyTurtle · 22/04/2025 14:09

KEEP CALM EVERYONE! No childhood is going to be ruined for life because their mum is going away for a week for the first time in their 11 or 17 years of life.

Ok ok, but on a serious note, how comes dads can go away when they want. No one would blink at a dad working out of town for a week and leaving DC with their mum so why is it so bad the other way round?

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 14:16

NoisyTurtle · 22/04/2025 14:09

KEEP CALM EVERYONE! No childhood is going to be ruined for life because their mum is going away for a week for the first time in their 11 or 17 years of life.

Ok ok, but on a serious note, how comes dads can go away when they want. No one would blink at a dad working out of town for a week and leaving DC with their mum so why is it so bad the other way round?

Exactly this. At the core it is internalised misogyny so deep people don't even recognise it.

Dh works every summer abroad- 6-7 weeks depending on the contract. No-one blinks. He's done it for the past 14 years and indeed when Ds1 was born until the age of 2 when DS2 was born he worked abroad 6 months of the year. Again no-one blinks.

Yet I was away for 2 weeks in January due to visiting a severely ill family member who was thought to be close to death and he had neighbours dropping in food so he did not have to cook (nor does he work any more except for his summer freelance thing and he knows how to cook- and shop) and texting or calling every day to make sure he was doing okay. It pissed him off. It pissed ME off. This happens every time I return to Australia a couple of times a year. But there has literally never been a single time it has crossed anyone's mind that I might need help to cook o care for my own children.

I don't need help with that. And nor does he. But he's the bloke so give the man a fucking medal for parenting his own children and pity him while you do so.

The only issue in the OP's query is the fact she is worrying about what her coercive and abusive manipulating ex is telling her. Going away for a week while her child is looked after my her other parent or a grandparent? That's not an issue.

Katemax82 · 22/04/2025 14:20

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t leave my child to go on holiday for a week in all honestly.

Nor would I but ops child will be well looked after by her dad or nan

NoisyTurtle · 22/04/2025 14:23

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 14:16

Exactly this. At the core it is internalised misogyny so deep people don't even recognise it.

Dh works every summer abroad- 6-7 weeks depending on the contract. No-one blinks. He's done it for the past 14 years and indeed when Ds1 was born until the age of 2 when DS2 was born he worked abroad 6 months of the year. Again no-one blinks.

Yet I was away for 2 weeks in January due to visiting a severely ill family member who was thought to be close to death and he had neighbours dropping in food so he did not have to cook (nor does he work any more except for his summer freelance thing and he knows how to cook- and shop) and texting or calling every day to make sure he was doing okay. It pissed him off. It pissed ME off. This happens every time I return to Australia a couple of times a year. But there has literally never been a single time it has crossed anyone's mind that I might need help to cook o care for my own children.

I don't need help with that. And nor does he. But he's the bloke so give the man a fucking medal for parenting his own children and pity him while you do so.

The only issue in the OP's query is the fact she is worrying about what her coercive and abusive manipulating ex is telling her. Going away for a week while her child is looked after my her other parent or a grandparent? That's not an issue.

Show quote history

Yes exactly this! My friend had a baby 7 months ago and went out for her first night out with us recently, she stayed the night at one of our mutual friends. Everyone made a huge deal about it, about her leaving her daughter for nearly 2 days.

Yet, her DP works away sometimes for a week at a time and has done since his daughter was newborn and no one cares.

TheHappyBug · 22/04/2025 14:28

OP if dad went on holiday for a week leaving the children with you, no one would bat an eyelid.

He is the other parent, absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty.

They have a holiday booked with mum so it’s not like you are just having a holiday and they miss out.

Lunchwoes · 22/04/2025 14:34

namechange55465 · 22/04/2025 13:16

Out of interest, how do you feel about the kids going on holiday with their dad for a week without mum?

We often have DSC for a week or more during school holidays (either going away, or that's just how we work out the contact schedule) during which I have no idea what DSC's mum does (have a well deserved rest, presumably, but she could well go away with her boyfriend). Do you think that's traumatising them too, or is the fact that OP has asked her ex to have the DC that is for some reason making you feel like this?

Show quote history

Yes I was going to ask this. We take DSD on week long sometimes 2 week long holidays and she's not traumatised being away from her Mum.

Her Mum is away for a week with friends next month and the most DSD has cared about that is what present will you bring me and do Dad and Lunchwoes know that I have Dance Class on a Friday. No trauma involved.

Kbroughton · 22/04/2025 14:53

Some of these comments! My parents are still together and they went away a bit by themselves when I was young and I stayed with my Grandparents. I was not in the slightest bit traumatised - in fact it taught me that parents need adult time. Both my mum and dad also went away separately because they were teachers and did class trips, and I was left with either parent. All I remember is that I liked it when my Mum went away as my Dad would buy fish and chips for tea every night. I think that there is too much of children having to be stapled to their parents now. In addition, I am divorced as is my partner. I have been away with just him, without our respective daughters. My daughter stayed with her Dad and his daughter stayed with her Mum. In addition, my ex and my partners ex have also been away without their daughters and they stayed with us. We have also also had holidays together. You are not abandoning your child on her own to have 2 weeks in benidorm. You are leaving her with her parent, and come back feeling lovely and refreshed and be a nice parent because of that.

Cyclebabble · 22/04/2025 15:18

Interesting thread. I like many mothers have spent weeks working away from DCs when required. No one in my family ever thought this was poor form or unusual in any way. By tradition I always brought back chocolate and something from where I had been. Some of these items are still fondly remembered. All families do things differently, but the idea that a mum cannot be away for a week is in my view extreme.

MoMhathair · 22/04/2025 15:25

I'm really confused. People are making a huge deal about you going away for a week OP, but completely ignoring the non-molestation order???

If you had to go as far as a non-molestation order, then clearly this guy is bad news. Are you happy leaving your daughter with him for a week, without being there to intervene?

MoMhathair · 22/04/2025 15:29

I'm also confused as to why you would ask a favour of someone who clearly means you harm. Surely the simplest thing to do is to avoid him and just ask your mum to help? Engaging with him just opens the door for more harassment. A normal, kind person would be happy to help but he clearly isn't that - so best to just make your life, and your daughter's life, as simple as possible.

greentreesgrowing · 22/04/2025 15:32

Go on holiday. It sounds like it’s being paid for you. I get the mum guilt if you haven’t taken your kids away but to be frank - they are kids. They don’t have to manage the cost of living crisis, how you’re going to pay the bills and all the stuff that comes with being an adult and parent. A happy mum equals happy kids. Go on the holiday! Your ex is being a twat.

poetryandwine · 22/04/2025 15:49

Just yesterday someone started a thread about how cruel it was for her friend to send her (the friend’s) DC to their DGPs for a good part of the summer.

Many MumsNetters wrote to say that being sent to their DGPs for the summer gave them some of the best times of their lives. If your younger DD hasn’t expressed hesitation, I think your plan for her is fine.

The 17 year old however….. I bet she is looking forward to this. It is an awful lot of responsibility for even a slightly popular 17 year old, doubly so if she has a romantic partner. She may come under pressure. Regardless of how close you are.

17 year olds are at an age where they are biologically driven to become independent, and their judgment has not caught up with other aspects of their development. It is literally about the maturation of the brain.
Have you already discussed this with her (not that we need to know)?

Totot · 22/04/2025 15:54

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:40

My own view, which I know others will disagree with, is that 7 days is a long time to go away without DC and also that choosing to spend family money and/or annual leave to spend so much time away from them, probably isn't helpful to them and their security/self esteem.

As I say, I know others will disagree, but depending on the children, and these have already had some challenges in their childhood, the message that mum wants to leave them for a week isn't helpful IMO. (You did ask!).

I've never understood why parents want to spend their precious leisure time away from DC though. I suppose if you're normally with them 24/7 that might be different

Well wouldn’t it be a wonderful opportunity for the father to spend some quality time with his children all to himself. I’m sure he doesn’t beat himself up too badly when he doesn’t see them daily. Or should guilt only be felt by women?

The children will be spending time with their family, just not one member of the family they see pretty much 24/7 anyway.

MaudePie · 22/04/2025 15:59

We left our children (then aged 5 and 7) with their grandparents for 10 days while we went on holiday for a big anniversary. They seem to have survived without any psychological trauma. We also both work and have a nanny (!), so perhaps we are just negligent parents 😂

doodleschnoodle · 22/04/2025 16:04

Enjoy, OP! My mum was a single parent and went away once a year or so with a friend and I stayed with my gran, really glad she got that time as it’s bloody hard. I know it meant a great deal to her to be able to have some time away.

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:25

It's amazing how aggressive some posters can get when other posters calmly state that they, personally, wouldn't leave their children to go on holiday for a week. If you're so confident that it's fine to leave your children for a week, why do you get so defensive instead of simply saying that you feel differently?

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:28

Cyclebabble · 22/04/2025 15:18

Interesting thread. I like many mothers have spent weeks working away from DCs when required. No one in my family ever thought this was poor form or unusual in any way. By tradition I always brought back chocolate and something from where I had been. Some of these items are still fondly remembered. All families do things differently, but the idea that a mum cannot be away for a week is in my view extreme.

This is the perfect example of how to disagree without being defensive or aggressive! (See above comment for context).

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 16:29

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:25

It's amazing how aggressive some posters can get when other posters calmly state that they, personally, wouldn't leave their children to go on holiday for a week. If you're so confident that it's fine to leave your children for a week, why do you get so defensive instead of simply saying that you feel differently?

Do you mean the same posters who start talking about how psychologically damaging it is for children and talking about an uptick in MH episodes? Those calm posters?

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:38

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 16:29

Do you mean the same posters who start talking about how psychologically damaging it is for children and talking about an uptick in MH episodes? Those calm posters?

Show quote history

If you're referring to this:

As I said, just my personal view, which is based on working with young people struggling with the huge upsurge in anxiety we're seeing. It's complex and there are many contributing factors, but I do think the the priority parents place on spending time close to them makes a difference.

Obviously other people will think differently, but this is one (of many) things that have changed for our current young people. A generation ago it would have been practically unheard of for parents to holiday regularly without DC, except perhaps for the very wealthy, who's DC have always had fragile MH.

it is significantly more calm and polite than a lot of the people who disagree, while acknowledging she is sharing her opinion rather than a fact that you'd have to be utterly stupid to disagree with.

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:42

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 14:16

Exactly this. At the core it is internalised misogyny so deep people don't even recognise it.

Dh works every summer abroad- 6-7 weeks depending on the contract. No-one blinks. He's done it for the past 14 years and indeed when Ds1 was born until the age of 2 when DS2 was born he worked abroad 6 months of the year. Again no-one blinks.

Yet I was away for 2 weeks in January due to visiting a severely ill family member who was thought to be close to death and he had neighbours dropping in food so he did not have to cook (nor does he work any more except for his summer freelance thing and he knows how to cook- and shop) and texting or calling every day to make sure he was doing okay. It pissed him off. It pissed ME off. This happens every time I return to Australia a couple of times a year. But there has literally never been a single time it has crossed anyone's mind that I might need help to cook o care for my own children.

I don't need help with that. And nor does he. But he's the bloke so give the man a fucking medal for parenting his own children and pity him while you do so.

The only issue in the OP's query is the fact she is worrying about what her coercive and abusive manipulating ex is telling her. Going away for a week while her child is looked after my her other parent or a grandparent? That's not an issue.

Show quote history

I'm blinking a lot at the fact that your husband spent so much time away from his young children, if that makes you feel any better?

xanthomelana · 22/04/2025 16:44

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:50

As I said, just my personal view, which is based on working with young people struggling with the huge upsurge in anxiety we're seeing. It's complex and there are many contributing factors, but I do think the the priority parents place on spending time close to them makes a difference.

Obviously other people will think differently, but this is one (of many) things that have changed for our current young people. A generation ago it would have been practically unheard of for parents to holiday regularly without DC, except perhaps for the very wealthy, who's DC have always had fragile MH.

Show quote history

I’m in my forties and my parents divorced when I was a teenager and they had holidays without me. I didn’t end up in therapy because I didn’t expect them to spend every spare minute they had with me. I agree with the pp who said social media is more to blame than parents having a life outside of their kids.

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:45

NoisyTurtle · 22/04/2025 14:09

KEEP CALM EVERYONE! No childhood is going to be ruined for life because their mum is going away for a week for the first time in their 11 or 17 years of life.

Ok ok, but on a serious note, how comes dads can go away when they want. No one would blink at a dad working out of town for a week and leaving DC with their mum so why is it so bad the other way round?

A lot of people would feel the exact same about a father leaving his children for a week to go on holiday; I certainly would. I don't think that the standard society holds mums to is too high; rather, the standard society holds dads to is horrendously low.

andtheworldrollson · 22/04/2025 16:45

I suspect it’s more how parents behave when they are with the children that is causing problems. - sitting on their phones rather than interacting when they are there

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 16:47

I don't need to be made to feel better under your instructions or approval. Families have stuff going on and they respond to that stuff as best they can. Do you wish to be critical of the parents who work abroad or in the military? Because their jobs demand it and they need to? While leaving their children with an actual functioning adult parent? This is what you are critical of, really?

Criticising a mother who leaves her child with the other parent because of a mere week long holiday is nonsensical.

PoorPhaedra · 22/04/2025 16:56

So I’m assuming he hasn’t gone on holiday in all the time you’ve been divorced then…..