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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be made to feel guilty for this?

110 replies

Burpeehater · 22/04/2025 11:16

I’m a single mum with 2 dds, 11 & 17.
My bf has asked if I’d like to go away for 7 nights, before we book I wanted to check with younger dds dad that he was ok to look after her for 7 nights, or if he couldn’t arrange for my mum to help out.
Eldest dd is more than capable of looking after herself.
I messaged youngest dds Dad last night to say would he be ok to have her, if not no problem as my mum would do it.
we don’t get along and have recently had a year and a half long non molestation order against him come to an end. I worded it in a way that didn’t make it sound like he had the control over me to stop me from going away, as he would say no if he thought he could.
His response was along the lines of ‘Wow!!! Have you not taken our daughter’s feelings into concern about this at all!’

Am I wrong for going on holiday without my DD’s? Is it something I should feel guilty for or is he just making me feel guilty for no reason?
I know whoever looks after my dd, she will be well looked after and happy, she’ll obviously miss me but we also have our own holiday to look forward to together later in the year.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 22/04/2025 16:56

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:31

I’m aware of their ages, I can read.

I have teenagers and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them for 7 days.

Edited
Show quote history

With their dad?

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:56

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 16:47

I don't need to be made to feel better under your instructions or approval. Families have stuff going on and they respond to that stuff as best they can. Do you wish to be critical of the parents who work abroad or in the military? Because their jobs demand it and they need to? While leaving their children with an actual functioning adult parent? This is what you are critical of, really?

Criticising a mother who leaves her child with the other parent because of a mere week long holiday is nonsensical.

It's not nonsensical; it's just something you disagree with.

And yes, I don't think it's in a child's best interests to have parents who work in a job that takes them away from their young children for long periods of time, whatever that job is. You are free to disagree without being accused of being nonsensical.

Imbusytodaysorry · 22/04/2025 16:57

@Burpeehater he just doesn’t want you happy and is trying to ruin it.

HappySheldon · 22/04/2025 16:58

I said that to say a mother cannot go on a short holiday is nonsensical and to tell her that it will cause irreparable MH issues is nonsensical. You can disagree of course but at least understand what you are disagreeing with.

mamajong · 22/04/2025 17:01

Yanbu at all - go on your holiday and enjoy it. We holiday every year without the kids (and with them too, of course). If others wouldn't that's their call but certainly don't feel like you're doing anything wrong.

Personally though I'd just ask your mum, rather than let ex have the potential to agree and then let you down at the last minute

CherryBlossom321 · 22/04/2025 17:02

“ Hi Ex. Yes, of course I have - don’t be silly 🙂 Will you be available?”

Purpleturtle43 · 22/04/2025 17:06

You have asked her and she is fine with it, you have a holiday booked with her for July so no I don't think you should feel guilty. Sounds like your ex wants to make you feel guilty though 🙄. Just ignore him and don't let him have any control over your feelings.

couchparsnip · 22/04/2025 17:07

DaisyChain505 · 22/04/2025 11:51

I would just go straight for asking your mum to have her the extra days. Offering it to him gives him the power to play with you and give you a last minute reason why he can no longer have her.

Absolutely this.
He doesn't want you to go so don't give him the opportunity to mess it up for you.

4forksache · 22/04/2025 17:07

Please don’t let him control you in this way!

mamajong · 22/04/2025 17:08

andtheworldrollson · 22/04/2025 13:59

My best guess is that the rise in aniexty is actually related to children being too smoothered by parents - by not going to their grandparents for sleepovers and weeks at a time , so that they don’t learn to cope with different circumstances in a safe and age appropriate way.

by leaveing childen in the care of others, So when they come to fledge they already have experience of being away from home without parents , of learning to rub along with different family dynamics and different household norms, and with being able to cope without mummy and daddy for a while

This

mamajong · 22/04/2025 17:12

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:56

It's not nonsensical; it's just something you disagree with.

And yes, I don't think it's in a child's best interests to have parents who work in a job that takes them away from their young children for long periods of time, whatever that job is. You are free to disagree without being accused of being nonsensical.

Show quote history

Sorry but it is nonsensical to suggest that a parent going away for a week will cause mh issues, you cannot say this without knowing all the details and every child is different.

Agreeing to disagree is one thing but making outlandish claims is nonsensical and unhelpful (in my opinion 😉)

couchparsnip · 22/04/2025 17:14

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 16:56

It's not nonsensical; it's just something you disagree with.

And yes, I don't think it's in a child's best interests to have parents who work in a job that takes them away from their young children for long periods of time, whatever that job is. You are free to disagree without being accused of being nonsensical.

Show quote history

So all the children of people in the armed services or in the foreign office or whatever other job that takes them away - all of them are damaging their children? Don't talk nonsense.

And in any case - one week is not 'long periods of time'. It's one short period of time. An 11 year has the capacity to understand.

BashfulClam · 22/04/2025 17:14

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t leave my child to go on holiday for a week in all honestly.

Well this isn’t about you so who cares!

chakrakkhan · 22/04/2025 17:15

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t leave my child to go on holiday for a week in all honestly.

Don’t then.

chakrakkhan · 22/04/2025 17:16

Go and enjoy time away with your partner OP. Ask your mum to have the younger DD. He’s emotionally abusing you, ignore him.

FortyElephants · 22/04/2025 17:18

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 11:31

I’m aware of their ages, I can read.

I have teenagers and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them for 7 days.

Edited
Show quote history

You wouldn't leave your teenagers for a week with their dad or grandparents? Why on earth not? Do you like being a martyr?!

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 17:18

mamajong · 22/04/2025 17:12

Sorry but it is nonsensical to suggest that a parent going away for a week will cause mh issues, you cannot say this without knowing all the details and every child is different.

Agreeing to disagree is one thing but making outlandish claims is nonsensical and unhelpful (in my opinion 😉)

Show quote history

But that's not what I said, or what HappySheldon was referring to as nonsensical.

I never claimed that leaving a child for a week would lead to mental health issues; that was another poster. And HappySheldon said: "Criticising a mother who leaves her child with the other parent because of a mere week long holiday is nonsensical."

Now what was that you said about outlandish claims being nonsensical and unhelpful?

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 17:21

couchparsnip · 22/04/2025 17:14

So all the children of people in the armed services or in the foreign office or whatever other job that takes them away - all of them are damaging their children? Don't talk nonsense.

And in any case - one week is not 'long periods of time'. It's one short period of time. An 11 year has the capacity to understand.

Show quote history

Ah, someone else who's unable to disagree with someone without resorting to claims of 'nonsense'.

I agree one week is not a long period of time; my comment to HappySheldon was not regarding the OP's situation.

Winter2020 · 22/04/2025 17:23

Ask your mum to save the dates regardless so your ex letting you down can't scupper your holiday.

Freshflower · 22/04/2025 17:24

Nothing wrong with going away for 7 days if your daughter is happy for you to go and happy to spend the 7 days with him or your mum. Then nothing to feel guilty about

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 17:25

FortyElephants · 22/04/2025 17:18

You wouldn't leave your teenagers for a week with their dad or grandparents? Why on earth not? Do you like being a martyr?!

Show quote history

She's not being a martyr if she genuinely enjoys spending time with her children!

Sugarfish · 22/04/2025 17:47

Don’t feel guilty. His opinion means nothing. Mentally file it away in a box in your mind, and then visualise throwing it off a cliff.

Go and enjoy your holiday, and bring the kids back something nice.

Daisy12Maisie · 22/04/2025 17:52

I am a single mum. I have often done things such as girls weekends away without my sons but we have done great holidays together as well. They are 16 and 18 and clearly like it that I have friends and funny stories and things to say and generally a life of my own although they are the most important thing in my life. Fine to go on holiday with bf as long as they are well looked after with grandma and let them know you are looking forward to the holiday with them as well.
With the dad as he has had a non molestation order against him he is clearly not a reasonable person so I wouldn’t ask him for anything of this nature ever again. Either go for shorter time periods eg long weekend or just make sure grandma can help. Not a criticism at all but just saying as I have been through similar with my children’s dad and they don’t change or have any interest in parenting their children if it means the children’s mum might have time to better her career/ go on holiday/ get some rest bite etc.

Cucy · 22/04/2025 18:01

He sounds jealous.

I’m sure he would never ever think to go away, even just for a weekend, without his DD 🙄

RhaenysRocks · 22/04/2025 18:07

Cookiebix · 22/04/2025 11:40

My own view, which I know others will disagree with, is that 7 days is a long time to go away without DC and also that choosing to spend family money and/or annual leave to spend so much time away from them, probably isn't helpful to them and their security/self esteem.

As I say, I know others will disagree, but depending on the children, and these have already had some challenges in their childhood, the message that mum wants to leave them for a week isn't helpful IMO. (You did ask!).

I've never understood why parents want to spend their precious leisure time away from DC though. I suppose if you're normally with them 24/7 that might be different

Wow really? You really can't imagine a person who happens to be a parent not wanting to take a little time out to just be "x" and not "mum"? Especially, as you say when that person is single parenting most of the time? It's absolutely fine to do this once in a while provided childcare is in place. So long as the child doesn't go without as a result, that's fine and actually, sometimes it is ok for single parents to put themselves first occasionally.

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