To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

Is it such a huge influence though?

Hormones would not explain why for example almost all dads in Sweden feel the "biological urge" to take parental leave, but almost none of the Japanese do. I would bet that the societal expectations play a lot bigger role here.

Sure. Ok.

Again, an outstanding contribution!

It’s sad that nobody lives in the here and now anymore. Yes, it’s good to have a plan for the future but at what cost. I know of people who got diagnosed with terminal cancer/ dementia in their sixties and they are regretting not living their life how they wanted and putting everything off until they’re retired. Raising kids are the golden years; people should try and enjoy them more.

Can we strop pretending that men and women have the exact same role biologically as women. The truth is that women are by large much more suited to the nurturing role of raising young kids. The father’s influence actually becomes more important in the adolescence stage of development. Jason Field on Instagram has very interesting videos on that topic.

I spent 15 years living in the “here and now” and honestly while I have good memories - I regret not living life in a way that was thinking about Future Me.

How about just treating us as individuals.

Listen. I posted a fairly long post about several topics. It was not directed to anybody in particular and was not rude or personal.

The first line of your response to me was: ‘Come on, this post is sanctimonious bullshit’.

There then followed long defensive rants by you, and you have made various rude comments.

Is it so bad that I don’t want to engage with you further? I don’t engage with people who communicate like this in real life and I don’t want to do it online. Sorry if that bothers you. You can have the ‘last word’. I really don’t care.

Also do you have a source that shows women who take no enjoyment in being SAHM with their kids are “usually miserable in all areas of their lives”?

Why do people like you always seek to denigrate women that don’t conform to your narrow expectations?

I don’t recall saying that. I’m referring to women who would like to be SAHMs but aren’t because they’re worried about their pension.

Sorry I was trying to quote somebody else and quoted you in error.

You posted on my thread with some unpleasant, passive aggressive points about women who want different things to you, like myself. I called you up on it and you immediately became defensive and more rude. All your further responses have been rude, yet you expect what? Me to not respond when you’re putting me and other women down? You said I didn’t read your posts then went on not to read mine, so I pointed that out to you. If you’re going to post your opinions you have to expect others to respond and criticise, especially when you’re being unpleasant. Other people have posted similar opinions to yours in a constructive and interesting manner that I have responded positively to and listened to their pointed you’ve been critical and unkind to other women, I won’t have that.

If you don’t want to engage then don’t, but don’t come here and attack women and expect me to sit back and let you. I support women, all women, and I will defend them when I see people like you being unfair. If you choose not to engage with people who dont agree with you then you must live in an echo chamber. At not point have I ‘ranted’ but if you want to keep being rude, you go for it, but don’t expect me not to respond in kind. You get what you give out in life.

Of course it's a huge influence, how can't it be? Men are socialised from birth to be providers, they aren't socialised to be nurturers and carers. They are discouraged from showing their emotions, they are encouraged to go into careers or trades that are higher paying than the roles women are encouraged to go into. If they show any interest in childcare or early childhood education, they are met with suspicion.

Women are socialised to be nurturers and carers, they are encouraged to 'be kind' in a way that men aren't. They are often encouraged into lower paying jobs such as childcare.

Of course women generally earn less than men, female dominated industries tend to be lower paid and as I said, women are still largely encouraged into lower paying roles. I'm also not sure how you can ignore the gender pay gap and pretend that it doesn't exist, women also earn less because they tend to either have a long period of time out of work once children arrive or they go part time which means they lower their earning potential. Once children arrive, childcare is largely seen as the woman's problem to organise, not a joint responsibility.

Then how do we explain what happens in different countries when it tends to align with their societal norms? Such as in some countries, SAHM's are more rare and it is normal for fathers to take a good chunk of parental leave.

There are some biological differences because women are the ones who are pregnant, give birth and some choose to breastfeed but other than that, of course men can be nurturing. Women are just raised to be nurturers were generally, it is something men are raised not to do.

My DH is just as much of a nurturer as I am.

Me too.. I always think someone has to win the lotto :) until then 2 jobs and knackered single parent

I’m sorry, when I started this thread it was just whimsical thoughts, it didn’t really occur to me how insensitive it is for me to complain about working part time and wanting not to whilst others are struggling on multiple jobs. I hope you find your peace one day, and I admire you so much for keeping going. X

I’m 44 with a 14 and 10 year old. I have been in my job for 16 years and I love it. I work in a school and get the holidays but…… perimenopause is in full swing, my tolerance for almost everything is on the floor and I want time. Just time to be me, find out who this new me is and actually please myself and be less agitated and stressed. I don’t have time to address the personal issues because everything else gets in the way and it just boils over constantly. It’s pretty shit. Unless I win the lottery I’ve got a cat in hells chance.

I’m glad that life would make you happy but I honestly don’t feel I’ve evolved to cook and clean. I have much more to offer than those 2 tasks which I’m not enthused by at all.

Indeed this. There’s a lot of putting women in the ‘nurturing’ box going on here. Quite irritating.

I haven’t read all the responses, and I realise this thread is a day old already but I wanted to add my two penn’orth…
I, too was a rebellious, feisty younger woman who had a good career and made decent money. Rather to the surprise of most of my family and friends, I made a decision to become ‘a 1950s housewife’ for want of a better description. My husband was self employed earning around £130k, he worked long hours and commuted, so I stayed at home, did 90% of the child rearing and housework. I could attend all school events, take the kids to extra curricular activities and had plenty of leisure time. We were both happy. I loved that I got to spend real quality time with my children, didn’t need holiday clubs, could cook from scratch every day, my house was clean and I had time to do voluntary work.

I didn’t expect that we would separate and we didn’t.

But he was diagnosed with terminal cancer out of the blue. He died 22 months later.

Because of my choice to be a SAHP, I have struggled to find a decent job in the 3 years since he died. It’s hard. There are people with better, more up to date skills than me, who have more recent experience than me and who, because they are younger with fewer responsibilities can probably work for less money than me. Please do think about retaining your skills. I didn’t.

I think this is a normal thing when they are little but be cautious as it flips back when they are older. My youngest is 8 now and I can feel my thoughts about work/career etc changing.

Move to France- being a housewife is well respected there, and wages are better placed to have one income sustaining a family.
My Mum used to live in France and I would talk to her neighbours about enjoying being at home making preserves, cooking and brewing and keeping house- they thought that was wonderful and I was bringing as much to the table as my DP.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Life can be so cruel xx

There's no normal, it's highly individual. You've been through a huge hormonal change, a lifestyle change, a focus change, you're allowed to change and find new pathways. It's really nice to hear you're super focused on your child. Don't forget Feminism is being able to choose what you want, don't let others sell you the idea its just working, climbing a career ladder and feeding materialistic status gains, if other things which make you happy you've actually struck gold. Good luck.

My life’s ambition was to be a housewife. Finally achieved it at age 52 after starting work at 18, paying into a pension and taking only the allowed maternity leave on the one occasion I needed it. If I could have done it when my child was tiny, I would have. Completely not unreasonable to want that lifestyle.