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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

House move - stupid school commute

128 replies

TidyOchreQuoter · 21/04/2025 19:38

We're moving about an hour away due to my husband's new job and because we want to move out of the city. Our current home is getting too tight and we can't afford a 4 bed in our area, even if we wanted to stay.

Our son will start Year 10 in September and he doesn't want to move schools. Ideally, we don't want to move him, he's settled and doing well but... in rush hour it's likely to be an hour and a half drive. Which is obviously ridiculous, but is it worse than moving him?? He's only got 2 years left as the school doesn't have a sixth form so we would then apply to college in our new area.

We can't really wait because we have another child who will start Year 7 in September and don't want her to have to do 2 years and then move schools. It would also affect applications to primary school for our youngest who starts Reception in September 2026.

It's a bit of an impossible situation, but any thoughts??

OP posts:

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 22/04/2025 11:47

School bus sounds like you have sorted it out. My DC love the school bus, it’s great socialising time for them.

CoastalCalm · 22/04/2025 11:49

I’d talk to him and explain that if he stays at school he will not be able to attend any extra curricular activities due to the time constraints and that at weekends and after school time with friends will be also affected - encourage him to think about that and maybe arrange a taster day at the potential new school so it feels less daunting to move

Jk987 · 22/04/2025 11:53

Can he get public transport or share a lift part of the way with his mates? What about cycling or scootering? Can he stay at a friends 1 night a week to save a journey?

I don’t think I’d move him.

Tricho · 22/04/2025 12:00

AndAllOurYesterdays · 21/04/2025 19:41

That is a long commute. I'd tell him if he wants to stay he has to find a way of getting there by public transport. Three hours round trip is ridiculous especially if you are both working.

"Hey, your dad and I are uprooting you because we're appalling at forward planning and are prioritising your sisters feelings more. Appreciate you want to keep this one bit of constancy but we cba with the drive so figure it out yourself or you're moving"

okydokethen · 22/04/2025 12:08

I think it’s lovely you won’t automatically move his school and will consider the commute. It’ll be really hard work but perhaps less hard work than unsettling and potentially upsetting him in year 10.

Sritila · 22/04/2025 12:11

People saying your DH should commute are forgetting that you would then need to move your DD in a couple of years and the fact that this impacts primary applications for your youngest. This commute situation could go on for several years so it’s not feasible for your DH to commute.

It’s tough on your DS but either he swallows the commute or he changes school, I can’t see another option.

It will eat into his study time but he’s going to have to manage that. An hours commute to and from school wouldn’t be out of the question where I live

NewMrsF · 22/04/2025 12:19

My son leaves the house at 6.20 every day to get to school for 8. It’s never bothered him.
I think it’s an acceptable compromise to stay with his friends

GiggleWiggle246 · 22/04/2025 12:23

I moved schools at the start of Year 10. Not due to a move or anything just preference. I’m still friends with some of the students from the 2nd school (I’m almost 40!) and don’t think I’d even remember anyone from the 1st school. I moved house and subsequently my own child had to move schools midway through year 8. 3 months in and he still didn’t have a school place in the new area so was doing an hours commute back to the old school. It took its toll on everyone, my husband who usually works nights had to do the school run, he had to stay with family members a few nights of the week due to traffic and various other issues. I’d move him now. He’ll make friends quickly and at least then the whole family will be settled. Has the Year 6 child already been allocated a place in your current area? If so it may be worth waiting then as you don’t want to have them spend their whole time commuting every day.

Timmygnome · 22/04/2025 12:40

Why should the whole family move because your husband has a new job
What if this job doesn't work out ,will you move give again.
He should suck up the extra distance,..not disrupt childrens education

namechangeGOT · 22/04/2025 12:54

Obviously on the back of your update regarding your DHs redundancy it’s not as cut and dried as ‘he just fancied a new job’, but I think many people are underestimating the effect on your son. He seems to be the only one who is really negatively impacted and everything is about much easier it will
be on everyone else - except him. What are you going to put in place for him to make the move better for him?

Welshmonster · 22/04/2025 13:44

I moved schools almost every year as MOD brat. Managed to get a degree so can’t have affected schooling that much.

you are the adults here. He will have to move. He will make friends in new area as otherwise he may be lonely at weekends and school holidays with no local friends.

yes it sucks all round but kids move from
war zones and manage

Simonjt · 22/04/2025 15:38

Tricho · 22/04/2025 12:00

Show quote history

Do you always have a second job lined up in case you’re made redundant?

lazycats · 22/04/2025 15:40

If he’s moving for 6th form anyway then yes, move him him now too. A 3 hour round trip is absurd.

mezlou84 · 22/04/2025 17:26

I would see if it was possible to drop him off early at a friend's to avoid crazy traffic or look at trains and bus times instead. Year 10 is an awkward year to move as all GCSEs have been chosen and might not be done in the new school. My cousin chose there's in yr 9 and was working towards Spanish GCSE when he moved and moved schools. They didn't offer Spanish as an option. I wouldn't start my yr 7 kid in the same out of town high school they would be going to the close one. Quite a few kids go to complete different high schools than primary school friends and make new friends very quickly so that would be my main reasons for starting the yr 7 in the new school and then they can make locally friends same with the younger child. We moved our son in yr 5 and it worked out and he went to an high school that only 1 child from his primary school that he wasn't even friendly with went to too. We even looked at him staying with family during term time for his college as his bus didn't go from anywhere near us however we worked it out that he can go at 6.50am for the bus at 7.05 to get the college bus at 8am. That may be another option for you.

FiercelyFree · 22/04/2025 17:30

One of friends did this while we were at secondary - very similar circumstances. My parents had a agreement that she stayed over with us a couple of nights a week. It gave them and her a break from the journey plus we both loved it! It was for the final two years and from memory worked really well. Not sure if my parents got paid anything to cover extra food but it would save the fuel cost anyway. Is there any chance of this scenario?

Loubylie · 22/04/2025 17:34

Hour bus ride is doable. Not unheard of for rural kids. Also does he have a good friend he could stay with some nights? If you paid for his stay?

waterrat · 22/04/2025 17:35

I would move him. He will then make friends in local area etc. He still has 2 years at school.

waterrat · 22/04/2025 17:36

also - in big cities you get kids moving at every age. Totally normal - in a large secondary you will have children joining constantly including through the year.

1SillySossij · 22/04/2025 17:51

Everyone seems to be assuming it will be a move for the worse, but it could just as easily be a move for the better.
He's old enough to catch a train or bus to keep up with his old friends on the weekend and will make friends at the new place. It's a good life experience to be able to make new friends, and I think in a lot of ways it's easier for boys than girls.

ezi91 · 22/04/2025 17:56

It's better to move him now let him get used to all the changes, make new friends that will probably end up being his "mates" and will most likely end up going to the same sixth form/college together etc.
it be much harder leaving everything at 16!

Botanybaby · 23/04/2025 07:50

That's a stupid amount of time stuck in traffic for school

For all the kids it's unfair and what about work? How on earth would you manage to get to work when your sat playing taxi

Are there no public transport options for him like getting a train then a bus to school

Plumedenom · 28/04/2025 06:03

I'd be seriously checking my motivations for moving. Your husband will have a commute now, yes, but it sounds like one of you will have a commute anyway to keep your child in school. The other reasons, to move out of the city and to have a bigger house, are not particularly urgent. You don't need a four bedroom house with three kids when the two youngest can share. Seriously consider whether your child's happiness is worth all this ordeal.

notsureyetcertain · 28/04/2025 06:24

If he wants to stay he takes the bus and he can decide if it’s worth it.

SilverCoins · 28/04/2025 07:02

I would argue waiting til you move to investigate options is thé worst of all - investigate now, get DS to visit schools with you, understand options available and space. Even if he doesn’t want to. You may even luck out and one turns out to be a great option DS wants to go for. But also you may find there actually is no fall back option and so you need to consider plan B if the commute doesn’t work (and let’s be honest if youve based the commute on Google maps it’s unlikely to be as accurate as real experience- have you driven it at the times you’re thinking of?)

I moved teens for unavoidable reasons, it was easy for one and fucking awful for the other. But what made the biggest difference was being absolutely transparent and keeping them in the loop at every stage. They knew pros and cons of every decision and they knew why sometimes we made decisions they wanted and sometimes not. Didn’t always make them happier but they knew why. They visited the new school, they found out about local ECAs but also they got a chance to say goodbye and effectively grieve their old life. It may sound melodramatic but they are teens, life is suppose to be melodramatic as a teen!

Like others this doesn’t sound like a great move, but I get sometimes life throws a curveball (like redundancy) and you have to deal with. But honestly I urge you to make sure you all do it with eyes wide open.

Sharptonguedwoman · 28/04/2025 07:09

One thought is that a new school may not have the GCSE options your child has chosen, or be halfway through a course. Some subjects start the courses in
year 9. Not impossible to deal with, but messy.

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