House move - stupid school commute

[TidyOchreQuoter]

We're moving about an hour away due to my husband's new job and because we want to move out of the city. Our current home is getting too tight and we can't afford a 4 bed in our area, even if we wanted to stay.

Our son will start Year 10 in September and he doesn't want to move schools. Ideally, we don't want to move him, he's settled and doing well but... in rush hour it's likely to be an hour and a half drive. Which is obviously ridiculous, but is it worse than moving him?? He's only got 2 years left as the school doesn't have a sixth form so we would then apply to college in our new area.

We can't really wait because we have another child who will start Year 7 in September and don't want her to have to do 2 years and then move schools. It would also affect applications to primary school for our youngest who starts Reception in September 2026.

It's a bit of an impossible situation, but any thoughts??

All of this.

A couple of obvious ‘selling points’ for him to move strike me here; if he remains at his current school, will he even be able to socialise with his friends much (if at all) outside of school due to the distance. Therefore would it not be better, for him, to move and make some new local friends? Then secondly, as he would definitely be going to a local college, would it be nicer for him to have some existing friends and connections from a local school that would feed the college? Food for thought for him maybe?

Same thing happened to me and I sucked up the drive. It’s actually been ok. Same timescales - but we are almost at the end as she’s now about to do GCSEs. I actually made it work by always dropping off and doing a gym class near school before I came home again and recently she’s been at school shorter days due to some revision sessions and I took my bike as it was too far to come home for an hour and turn straight round so I did some mammoth bike rides. I’m glad she’s changing for sixth form but it was the right decision for her to stay. We had a bit of moaning, but it was definitely the right choice.

I agree.
Dad wants new job.
Mum wants to leave the city.
Younger sibling starting secondary.
Even younger sibling starting primary.

Everyone is more important than the child who is actually at the most significant point in his education, and at the most torturous age.

My DS2 is in year 11. GCSEs are really tough, and he wouldn’t have got through it without his mates.

I think you should stay where you are and your husband should commute.

Could you move somewhere in the middle that was just as desirable? I used to commute 3 hours each way 3 days a week (yes, 6 hours a day) to keep us living where we wanted to live and kids with friends/schools. It honestly wasn’t that big a deal as long as the other parent can be close to home to manage family life (in my case, Dh).

Is there a bus route for school transport you could use? So for example, our school transport routes run about 30 minutes in all directions from the school. If you could get to one of these to drop off and pick up, it would save driving the whole hour to school.

If you decide not to move him, your Dh will have to pick up the other school runs. If you have to leave at 7:30 to be at school at 8:30. Your Dh will need to be home to get the middle one on the bus at 8 and youngest to school at 8:45, or thereabouts. Will that be possible every day? Because you can’t be in 2 places at once.

@PrincessOfPreschool the most important 2 years

So your going to spend 6 hours a day commuting?

3 hours in morning (there and back)
3 hours in the afternoon (there and back)

Hard no for me

I would definitely go and have a look at the schools in the new area - where they have spaces and realistically where he would attend. If they are great or appalling that will help your decision making.

The an hour and a half to school doesn't sound sustainable but also his lack of social life as he will be so far away

Have you already got a place for your middle child in the new location? (Theoretically possible if you have already bought in the new location..)

If you are driving your eldest to the old location... how are your other children getting to school / nursery / childcare / after school care / activities?

Can your work schedule bear a 90 minute commute, tied to school drop off / pick up?

It sounds awfully complicated with a huge burden on you and your eldest .. while your younger children won't see you.. maybe you DH will be doing drop off and pick up for them.

"We can't really wait because we have another child who will start Year 7 in September and don't want her to have to do 2 years and then move schools." ... but a better option if for your son to do 3 years of school and then move for the start of his GCSEs...?

Reception-to-be child will get place somewhere regardless of when you move.

I think he needs to move. It will suck, but it's better than moving part way through year ten (subject change/curriculum change) and it will be a nightmare facilitating him to see his friends.

I moved in year 8, and it was no fun but was manageable and for the best in the end.

The alternative would be your younger one moving at the start of year nine, which might be better tbh but it sounds like you've ruled that out.

This.

The youngest child will settle just fine if they have to move primaries after a couple of years – little kids make friends easily. Middle sibling a bit tougher if you wait a couple of years, but still fine and, crucially, still time to bed in to the new school before GCSEs. Yet you’re prioritising them over the oldest who you want to wrench out of his support network at the crucial time?

Stay put. Husband sucks up the commute. This is what happened in similar circs in my family and it all worked out fine in the end; this is absolutely something where the parents have to bear the brunt of the choice they made, not inflict the results of it on the teenager. It’s not the right time for you all to move.

Radical solution: partially split the family. Rent a very small place to use during the week. One parent stays with him. The other runs the house. You can keep things flexible and swap roles
back and forth. Everyone to the main house on weekends

He should move, he needs to make friends in the new area he's living in, and that's going to be impossible if he doesn't live there.

The commute would be a killer, and would stop him from being able to do afterschool clubs, sports or going back to a friends house.

Of course he's not going to want to move, he's a young teen, so you need to make the call, and for his benefit, as well as the rest of the family, he needs to move school.

I would consider doing this for at least the first six months if he stays at his current school. Or move somewhere on a trainline to his current school/drop him at the train station rather than driving all the way every day.

Agree with previous poster that you have to suck it up for yr10/11. It’s such a sensitive age with friendships etc. Other things to consider - could he stay with a friend one night a week? Could he go to their house after School and travel home later. Yr 11 isn’t that long a year so it’s not two full years of travel x

Is there public transport he can get? Our daughter has a 1hr commute to school each day and has done since she was 5 years old (now Y13). She’s up at 7am, at the bus stop for 7:30am in school for 8:30am and in reverse, is back at the local bus stop by 5pm.

Whilst a previous poster has suggested this is too much as the evenings are taken by homework, she’s still managed to fit in after school extra curricular, Guides, air cadets etc and just makes it work.

I’d say if there’s public transport and he really wants to stay then that is the answer. Don’t under estimate the impact of moving at that age and at that stage of his education.

Id try to keep him there. Drop him to the nearest station that gets him on the most direct train / bus route. Don’t think you should be driving into a city centre every day.

Move him for year 10. Definitely do not start year 10 doing that drive unless you're willing to commit to doing it for the next two years until he finishes GCSEs, and that includes having a back up plan for if there are circumstances that result in your oldest needing transport at the same time as one of your youngest two need a parent closer to home.

Yes, it's not an ideal time for him to move and yes he's getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Teens move all the time, it's part of family life - decisions like this can't revolve around a single person. The comments about how you'll be telling your DS that he's less important than every other family member are ridiculous. He's equally as important as every other family member, which means that what is ideal for him doesn't take priority over what is ideal for 4 family members and family economics. No other individual's needs outweigh his, but everyone else's combined do.

Acknowledge that there will be hard parts to it for him and you wish that there was an option that was great for everyone including him. But also tell him that as a parent you think that that length of drive is not in his best interests (too much time out of his week, too limiting for extra curriculars and social life) and that he'll settle into the new school and new neighborhood. Let him be mad, let him disagree with your decision, but you and DH make the decision that works best for the family as a whole.

Bad decision moving

I did the same (in fact so similar that I wonder if we we on the same bus) - we were always delighted when we managed to persuade the driver to go straight on so that we'd be home in time for Neighbours.

I managed because that's all I knew and the friendships/drama of the bus made it bearable. I don't think I would have coped with the same amount of time in the car with my mum. The day just disappeared because we got home so late, so socialising or going to clubs after school was difficult.

DH had similar. Neither of us would choose it for our DC and it's the reason that we live within walking distance of a secondary.

I know there's no easy solution but in your situation I would stay put for the next 2 years while DH commutes and plan for a move when DS moves into 6th form, DD into Y9 and the youngest into Y1.

I’d have your husband commute for two years, there is no gentle lead in to GCSE’s in year 10, everyone else will be starting the syllabus and he will be finding his feet with everything new. It will be hard on your other two having to move, but they aren’t critical school years.

id do anything to avoid moving a happy settled child at the start of GCSE’s.

I commuted an hour to school from year 7
I hated it. It's exhausting and meant I didn't do any after school activities because I had to get the bus home etc..

I also don't understand why you are prioritising your daughter over your son. Either you move now and he has to move schools in year 10 (or commute an hour) or you move after his gcse's and she has to move schools in year 10 (or commute an hour). Neither are good options. You seem to want to move now, so to the children you will be picking your daughter over your son. There is no real difference in their situation.

Personally I'd hold off the move til both are through secondary school. That's fairest and less disruptive.

I wouldn’t move a secondary school child. Your husband could commute instead of you and your eldest.

I was going to suggest one adult and DS in a Premier Inn, one night a week.

Just breaks up the long week of commuting.