To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

[MamaByTheOcean]

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

Why is that with the big charities? How is it you think the Red Cross for example do so much?

Keep all the money. Buy siblings a nice bottle of wine each as a thank you.

OP so very sorry for the loss of both your parents, you have had so much to deal with, I feel for you.
Please don't give anymore of your inheritance to anyone else. Your Dad would want you to have the money and, as the beneficiary of his estate you get to decide what to do with the money.
You deserve it, please keep it and don't feel guilty.
As for your wider family they have already befitted ans and a cream tea would be a lovely gesture but nothing more.
You are obviously a lovely, kind, giving person but you have to also think of your own needs and you need the money to make your life better and more comfortable. Please trust me when I say that is what your Dad would have wanted.
I wish you peace OP and strength to deal with your grief.

Agree, your Dad would want that you were to be well looked after, do donate a small amount to the charities as these were in his dying wishes

Keep it, OP. The amount you'll inherit isn't huge and we all need as much financial protection as we can get. Your dad sounds like he didn't have a huge grasp on his finances, but I\m sure he would have wanted you and his grandchild to have security and peace of mind above all else. I'm sorry for your loss - don't give yourself any more stress over this.

Definitely don’t give any more to the siblings. In terms of cash flow, you shouldn’t have given them anything until the house was sold and everything was tied up so that you would not be struggling to pay utilities, insurance etc while they’re busy spending their money.

See a solicitor: the TUV of the mobile home may be void or voidable and the charities may or may not be entitled to the gifts dependent on how the will is worded and if those gifts are in it.

Without being rude, fuck your father's dying wishes, the man was obviously deluded. He had an estate of just over £200K, which is nothing, he has an only child and a grandchild, and he faffs about saying he wants to give £60K to his siblings - people his own age who shouldn't need it - and £15K to charity? For some reason he thought he was Bill Gates. Keep the money yourself. It's little enough. Do what he said in the will and not some nonsense he came out with verbally that he probably would have changed the week after.
As someone has already said, have you factored in the tax on the money that's been given to his siblings? Or are you going to cover that out of yours as well?

Having recently been an executor to my father's estate what Flower User has said is not correct.
As the OP's father left his house to her this adds another £175k onto the inheritance tax threshold meaning her father's estate has £500k inheritance tax free. This means IHT would only be payable at 40% on anything OVER £500k. From what she has said the estate is not worth as much as that.
Totally agree that she should have taken legal advice though. Paying the siblings amounts not specified in the will was not sensible and nothing at all (except IHT) is usually paid until all the assets are liquidated and all expenses met. This has left her in a very bad position with no money to administer the rest of the estate and meet ongoing costs until her DF's house is sold.

The charitable part is slightly less than 10 percent of his estate so shouldn't make too much of an impact for you. It's a tough one, but it's important to honor his wishes. I suppose you could make a smaller contribution, say half, if the extra $ is really important to you.

The sibling is fine, that's what family goes and they already got a lot.

such a shame this has been sorted out this way. If he had specified 10% to a given charity in the Will you would have got a discount on any Inheritance Tax due. You can give to charity yourself if you wish to, once all is settled, and that will give you a tax deduction against income tax you pay

@MamaByTheOcean It's a bit late now, but distribution of the Estate should not have happened in ay shape or form until all bills, funeral expenses, and fees for selling the house had been settled so that you could see what was left.

If the siblings weren't in the will, you had no obligation to give them anything - but in any case they have already had more than enough, since you did. The charities you can donate small amounts to each of them, but again they aren't in the will so no need to give them Thousands of pounds

I'm sure the Red Cross do a great job, but 15k is a very small donation when set against their cashflow whereas it's not a small donation to the OP.

We don't know what charity it is anyway.

OP, I’ve read again, and it’s not totally clear. But you’ve mentioned using the ‘van money’….. which must be about £35k (40% of 90K). You have also said you will have £160K left after the house is sold, and that you will give 20K to your child (not clear if that is on top of the 160, or part of it…). So it sounds like in total you may be receiving around 215K? Or 195K, if the 20 you are allotting to your daughter is out of that. But you want to ignore your father’s wish to give 15K to charity?

it is completely correct that you pay for bills for the bungalow until it is sold. It’s your asset, just as you would be paying for any house you owned until it was sold. It is also totally irrelevant that the siblings have wasted their money- it was gifted to them, that’s up to them. Well done for passing it over, although if it was given after his death as part of his inheritance, there was no need to give it before the estate was properly settled- you put unnecessary strain on yourself by doing that.

The only relevant thing really is how sure are you, under the circumstances, that your father would maintain his wish to give to charity etc? If so, I’d say the right thing is to respect that. But only you can know that.

I think what’s difficult for you is you were expecting more - first because the estate shrank over the last few years, then because of the undersold camper van, then the change from 15K gifts to 60K gifts… then the unexpected costs of managing the estate. So in your mind a few years ago, you were maybe expecting to inherit 450K, and suddenly it’s around 200K. I can understand that being tough. But ask yourself what you will feel good about 10-20 years from now. Then do that. If you will feel good about keeping it, because you are sure your father wouldn’t have a strong opinion and you know it is really needed by your family great. If, however, you and child can actually be fine, happy, healthy without the extra 15K and you know deep down your father had a genuine desire to give it to charity and a realistic idea of how much that would leave you, then I think you’ll be happier in the end by giving it where he suggested.

Thanks for your input.
I actually have experience of this. I was the sole beneficiary of a will. In the last days before death the person told me (no witnesses) that they wished to give 50% to a close relative. I followed their wish to the letter as it was the morally right and honourable thing to do.

Really sorry for your loss, OP.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute.

Totally confused by your DH - why on earth would you give them even more cash for no reason? You should feel completely confident and guilt-free about not dishing any more out.

It sounds as if your dear Dad made some very misguided decisions in his last year and did not appreciate the bigger picture. Effectively he gave away the portion that could have been for charities. Unless you want to donate a couple of hundred quid as a gesture I would move on now.

Also, please be prepared for the siblings to come to you with sob stories asking for more cash when you sell the house. You're going to have to be strong and also remember (and remind them) that this was your late mother's estate, too.

Follow the will. If you are an executor you have personal liability.

No more to anyone.

When you have the money from the house sale, you might make token donations to the charities he mentioned, but you do not have to send loads. I don’t think your dad really understood how much your inheritance had been whittled away by all his other choices, and I’m sure he thought he was still leaving you a lot.

If the charities weren’t specified in his will , don’t donate . Maybe like others have said , just a small amount - a few hundred.

By the sounds of it your dad was not in a great place to be making financial decisions and clearly didn’t think it through properly as there isn’t enough .

I am sure both him and your mum would have chosen it to go to you rather than the charities if it could only go to one.

Dont pay thousands for a holiday for his siblings , they have had their inheritance and have spent it already. Yes , they helped clear the house but have they been paying towards the £250 per month ? No that’s from your pocket . An afternoon tea is nice gesture and more than enough .

Look after you and your family , that is what your parents would have wanted and stop with the guilt. You have sorted everything out and struggled financially for it whilst grieving . You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for .

wtf has it got to do with your husband? Tell him to mind his own business. These siblings have had more than enough money. Sounds like the money pit to me this house. Sod the utilities cut them off. Don't pay the charities and keep the money.

His wishes were to leave the bungalow to you, and to pay money to charity and friends from his account. There is no money in his account, so the charities and friends get nothing. You must have all the money from the bungalow, otherwise you’re going again this wishes and that would be wrong. All to you, end of. His siblings have had enough.

It is really common for someone to start playing a role of the generous benefactor when they have an estate to leave.
In this case, your dad has already spent a vast amount of money in terms of a percentage of what he left.
Please stop now. You have given enough and stop worrying about what you will leave your husband and children.
That was also your mum’s legacy.

Your husband can fuck off, taking money off his wife and child to impress some uncles and aunts. They probably lnly helped clear the house to see if there was anything of value.
Your dad should’ve been looking out for his child and granddaughter.

@MamaByTheOcean sorry but your “d”h sounds about as mad as your dad. .
Wanting to do things and being financially able to are two different things .
Pay the charities a token gesture and don’t give anyone else another penny .including your dh. .
You sound the only sensible one in this whole situation . Do what’s right for your children and you.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I would just follow the will to the letter. It’s absolutely ok to do this.

You are not letting anyone down if you do. The will is your dad’s wishes in black and white.

Things might not be so tight for you financially in a few years, you could donate to charity then.

I’m sure your dad would have wanted you and your child to be ok, and comfortable, more than the charities.

The siblings have had enough. You don’t owe them any more money.