To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

[MamaByTheOcean]

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

If his will stated that you get everything.. and he wished you to have his house, his camper and cash... then this wish is as valid, if not more so, than any wish to give to siblings or charity.. furthermore, it is stated in the will therefore has legal significance, anything else he may have said, has no legal significance. So... wait for everything to be finalised, consider whether his wish for you to receive an inheritance has been met.

Sorry pressed the wrong button, YANBU.

It sounds like perhaps your dad had a very rose tinted view of his finances and was optimistic in what he thought would be left. He hasn’t left a huge fortune.

If it makes you more easy to donate a small amount to the charities, then do that, say £500 each, but friends don’t expect anything from a will, and you dad didn’t think it was important enough to write it in. Instead focus on your family and child in these difficult financial times.

Secure your family’s future, don’t blow it all. That’s the best way to honour his wishes.

You've done more than enough in honoring the amount to his siblings and tbh op maybe they WANT to help you out without expecting or needing back anything in return because your their family. Works both ways so accept their help without feeling like you have to pay for it and no way In the amount dh suggested.
You df would've wanted you to give you ds a decent foot forward so put it in a trust for him and use your own to make your life easier. Stop feeling guilty, he wouldn't have wanted that in the least.

I wouldn't give any more money to his siblings but you'll be left with a sizeable amount once the house sells so I think you should still donate to the charities, perhaps not the full amount he wished.

I am diagnosed AuDHD too, so understand your struggle with things. My take on this is that your father’s siblings have had their share already and what is left is yours.
Do the charity bequests if you want to but, your father’s siblings don’t need any more of the inheritance. If they have blown through theirs, that’s their issue, not yours.
As I have got older, I have got way sharper with finance. Your family is the priority. Look after your own and don’t feel pressured or guilted into parting with your nest-egg.

Talk to the house utilities people too, they may be able to help until the property is sold. No need for phone line while it’s unlived in and you may be able to get gas turned off etc too.

So sorry for your loss. Sending condolences from my home to yours. It sounds like you loved your Father very much.

Sorry am I missing something? He effectively wanted to give 60k to each sibling, 15k to some charities, and that leaves £145K to you (not sure if that’s in addition to the £20k you earmarked for your own child).

he should have written it all in the will, but you do know his wishes, and he is still leaving you a significant amount of money. people are talking as if you’ve been left with nothing!?

Times are desperate for people all over the world. Giving to charity is an important legacy. I’m sorry, but assuming you are living in the Western world, and not in total crisis…. You are already getting £145K legitimately, why do you need to take a further £15K that your dad wanted to give to good causes?

The only reason I think it’s fair to disregard his wishes are if you think his wishes would be different now. Eg 1. if he thought you would be left with much more money, and wouldn’t have earmarked any for charity if he had known. Or 2. If you have some desperate need that he wasn’t aware of (eg debt or sickness), and if he’d been aware, he would have decided to leave it all to you. Or 3. If he changed his mind every day and you don’t think it was a real wish in the first place- it was just a random comment after lunch one day, or he wasn’t of sound mind etc Or 4. He specifically didn’t write it in the will because he was just sharing his ideas but wanted you to have discretion when the time came.

Otherwise, you are basically just disregarding his wishes and cheating charities, because you want £15k more on top of £145k you have legitimately.

You’ll get away with it probably, because it’s not in the will, but is it ethical? No. Many people want to leave a legacy- meet some need for desperate people in their final act. That’s an honourable, meaningful thing. It may be tempting to take that away, but I don’t think you should unless you think HE would want that.

The siblings? No more. You don’t owe them money for helping. They are family and have already got their share.

Usually you pay the funeral, and all other bills associated with settling the estate, before you pay any beneficiaries. I wouldn’t have been so keen to hand out the cash, and just waited until everything was settled with the house.
Going forward, you should distribute strictly in accordance with the will. If it was important to your father to service others, he had a whole lifetime to reflect those wishes in his will.

Agree should have waited till the estate was settled.

Yes but there is some doubt as to when the money was paid - it sounds as though it was paid before the father died, and if it was after then I don't understand how that was possible once the bank had been told of his death. No one but the solicitor should have been able to access it.

Depends on whether his will states you should give e the money. If it does then you must give it. If it doesn't, do what you think is best.

Depends on whether his will states you should give e the money. If it does then you must give it. If it doesn't, do what you think is best

Do RTT - int NOT in the will - it was an EXPRESSION - when he was alive.

Definitely donate to the charities. £15k out of £160k is not a lot, and it's money that could make a real difference to people's lives.

Do whatever is in the will and no more. The siblings clearly think they have a new money tree, supported by your husband it seems. Leaving to charities is all well and good but remember that on average only about 20% of money raised by charities goes to the actual cause.

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. Your DF, despite some mistakes in money management, sounds like he was a lovely father. He clearly trusted you, so I think you can do what you feel best with the money. It's why he left it all in your hands.

He might be one of those people with a lot of nice ideas, but didn't clearly think through the execution of the nice ideas.

I'm a parent and no way I'd want you or my grandchild to go with less when charities took more.

When you are older, and perhaps when you make your own will and have more money, maybe consider one or more of the charities your father cared about. No need to do this now. Take time to grieve and put the money away for your child and yourself.

Your aunts and uncles just need the tea...no more money.

I wouldn’t be giving any to charity if it’s not in the will

Do not turn off utilities and heating if any chance of a freeze or frost. Neighbours adult children did this when their mother died and didn’t go there for a month, I noticed a curtain had fallen down and rang them and they came back to burst pipes in the loft and the whole house on one side was wrecked.

I'd be inclined to take the siblings out for dinner as an additional thank you for helping clear the house, might be a nice opportunity to chat and reminisce.
As for the charities I think you do have more than enough to give a smaller amount to the ones he mentioned to you, even £100 per charity is a huge help to them and better than nothing.
160k leaves plenty to do these things and have that safety net for yourself.

I can't speak for other parts of the UK, but in Scotland it is the executor who has access to the funds in the estate - once confirmation/probate has gone through (if necessary).

Yes, it will be when probate is granted that access to others is allowed. That, of course, can take a long time, but initially a solicitor (at least in England) should be allowed limited access before then.

It must be slightly different up here. A solicitor is certainly helpful (advisable even) but not absolutely necessary.

I wouldn't feel obligated to give any more to anyone that isn't in the will. But then I have a cynical view about a lot of charities. I guess it would depend what they were. Small local charity that is well managed, I might make a donation in his memory. One of the big well funded charities - no way, they won't notice the donation, it's a drop in the ocean, but you will notice the drop in your funds more.
I certainly wouldn't give any more to siblings. I might offer friends some personal effects to remember him by if there is anything suitable.

Seems odd that you paid his siblings straight away before the house was sold. I would have waited. Did you hear it from your Dad yourself or did the siblings tell you that's what he said? I'm assuming it was £60K between them. No idea why your DH is suggesting giving them more, surely he knows they've already had £20K each. That's more than generous. Typically all money/estate goes to the immediate next of kin, which he did state in his will. Not sure what implications it will have to the siblings re tax.
As for the charities, you could give a small amount away, further down the line when the sale has gone through and you've paid all other debts.

No, that's the same here - you don't have to have a solicitor, but it helps. It also costs a lot too. When my MIL dies, my DH and SIL were executors. Her DH did all the probate to save us money. We (my DH and I) were happy to let him crack on, but we absolutely insisted on us hiring a solicitor to do the property transfer when we bought out my SIL from the house that MIL left behind. We paid for that, but as none of us had a clue what to do, it was money well spent.

Look after yourself. It sounds so stressful. No need fir extravagant holidays for family. A lovely memory afternoon tea sounds wonderful.

Put yourself first. Life is short. Look after your own family.

15k out of 160k isnt going to bankrupt you, give the money to charity.