To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

[MamaByTheOcean]

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

If his siblings have been genuinely helpful clearing the house, invite them round for a meal to thank them - a takaway, few bottles of wine.... not thousands of pounds! Or a BBQ if you have the space - chat and reminisce, eat and drink, stay on good terms, don't hold your Dad's generosity against them. But definitely don't give them more cash, it is yours, for your future and your daughter's future.

That's a point...£24000 will be due on £60K, payable by the estate.

You need to look after your family's future. If the house clearance has included donating quality items to charity then indirectly charity has benefitted already from your dad's estate.

Don’t give any more money away. In a few years when you’ve had a chance to process the situation you could make a donation to charity in your dad’s memory, but only if you want to. Don’t make any decisions now.

You'll still have plenty of money OP after the house sells I'd honour your dad's wishes about the money to the charities, but his siblings have had the money he wished them to have, so there shouldn't be any pressure to give them any more.

Doesn't sound as though there's enough money in the estate to pay inheritance tax anyway.

Then you do exactly what the Will says, the money comes to you. Put it somewhere safe and secure. Don’t let anyone try to talk you into investments unless you 1000% trust them ( been there)
This will help provide security fir you and your dc and this is what any aren’t would want.
I’m sorry for your losses and for all the stress you’ve had. 💐

It sounds as if your dad thought he had more money than he actually did? £60k to the siblings is a huge amount, especially when he’s originally said £15k. You’d be mad to give them more. I don’t think most adult siblings would expect anything from someone who has their own kids!
By all means send a fiver to each charity hee mentioned, but don’t feel guilty guilty not giving more; he left you less than you might have expected by selling off stuff he’d promised to you for bargain prices and splitting so much money between his siblings.

Actually put it In a children’s savings account which you hold in trust for him until he is 21 (NOT 16).

Otherwise you will pay income tax on the interest. And If you get divorced, your husband will get half of it. I know because I did this and my ex fought me in the divorce for it, even though inheritance isn’t a matrimonial asset where I live.

Even though I won that argument and I’ve kept the money for them, my ex keeps telling my kids that the reason he doesn’t pay child support for them is that “ half that money is his “. And that wheh they are 16 they can take me to court and sue me for it .

Now my oldest is 16 this summer, my ex has made up fake documents claiming that the amount of money is more that 10 times what it actually is and telling him to take it to a lawyer.

No one thinks they will get divorced , let alone that their kids father will do this. But sadly one third to one half of those reading this now will get divorced , so I hope this info helps someone, even if it’s not the OP.

BTW if you are doing this with a large inheritance ( say it was the £100k the Op has) you should go to a solicitor and get it all protected legally .

@MamaByTheOcean was this all written in a will or was it just a letter of wishes???

Who were he executors, has probate been granted, all,debts paid, estate accounts finalised and distributed, and you're the only beneficiary.

You’ve given more to the siblings than you’ve kept for yourself

no one is owed another penny

and keep it away from your DH, he seems keen to spend it for you

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds

Why on earth does your husband want to piss money up the wall and give them a holiday each? That's ridiculous. They've had 20K each and they could have spent that on a holiday. They've received something from your Dad and that's the end of it.
Is your DH always so reckless with money? You'll need to be careful when you get the money from the sale that it is spent or invested wisely and not on random shit your DH thinks is a good idea.

As for the rest of it, you talk as if there's no money left to pay the friends and the charities but there will be money when the house is sold. You'll get ca. 160K. That's a lot of money. 15K distributed to the charities and friends will leave you with 145K which is still a very decent amount of money for the safety net you say you need.

I would distribute the money as your Dad wished even though it isn't written in the will. I don't think I'd feel comfortable with not doing so when I'd still be getting 145K at the end of it. However, that's for you to decide. You don't have to give them anything because it's not in the will. The siblings don't get another penny though.

I think you should look at your own will. You say everything is left to your DH and then to your child. What if you die, he remarries, leaves everything to his new wife? Your child will end up getting absolutely nothing. Or he doesn't marry but pisses all the money up the wall on shite (after all it's him suggesting you pay for fancy holidays for aunts and uncles who have already received 20K each)?

Been in your shoes. Exactly the same ones.
I was the sole beneficiary and often a parent starts changing bequests for you to take care of. They enjoy the benefactor role.
Your dad is gone and it needs to end now.
You have been more than generous. The estate was left to you, and that’s it. Keep it - with a family of your own, you are going to need it.
Giving that much to his siblings was absolute madness but it’s done now.
If you wish to make a few charitable donations give yourself a few years.
Do not feel any guilt.

Maybe look at siblings another way. They helped you clear and clean the house as thanks for the £60k.

No more thanks needed other than to tell them you appreciated it and your Dad would have done too.

@MamaByTheOcean why is all your money going to your husband if it is your inheritance

You only have to do what’s in the will. I’d ask the siblings to make donations.

I read that as meaning in the OP’s will everything goes to her dh and kids.

I wouldn't give another penny away. To siblings or charities.

My friend went through something similar recently, the deceased had a lot less money than they seemed to believe! Their 'assets' are difficult to turn into actual cash but family members keep saying "He wanted x, y and z to be sold for charity". My friend is out of pocket, trying to keep everyone else happy.

I think any donations you make to charity should be £100s not £1000s. Your dad's estate is less than he envisaged, due to his poor financial choices. He should have amended his will to include the charities, as he did with his siblings.

Also, check how much you are paying for utilities at your dad's house. £250 / month seems a lot and you won't need heating on at this time of year.

I’m Do not give away a single penny more. Not to any siblings, not to any charities. You have your own life to worry about.

Well this is where OP needs to seek proper advice as to who pays what may be due - if there's a house to be gifted as part of the estate then it may have to come from that.

Not a penny to the siblings. Don't give money to charities now - promise to yourself and give charities (send a check) bimonthly of what you can afford every two months, see how it goes, you can do it six-monthly to charities, but only what you can afford. You can do it for the rest of your life, little bits to charities, but don't deprive yourself of a massive chunk just now.

Don't give any more money to anyone at this point!

It's actually ridiculous how much the siblings got, at your expense. Take your time sorting things out. Not another penny would they be seeing if it were me. They were highly recompensed for anything they did!

OP inheritance tax threshold is £325,000. It is worked out by valuing the estate, which is all possessions, accounts, shares and property, minus the costs of winding up his affairs - funeral, debts, costs of selling the house etc.

Any estate worth over £5,000 has to go through probate and generally you can't sell a house until probate has been granted. Then inheritance tax is paid plus all bills. Then you work out who gets what according to the will.

As PPs have said he may have decided to give his siblings £60k each, but if he didn't give it to them, then you did.

My DH's uncle died nearly two years ago but no one has had any money because probate has only just been granted and the house hasn't been sold.

I worry that you will have to pay inheritance tax and not have the money to pay it because you gave it to his siblings. If he gave them each £60k before he died then this will be counted as part of his estate for inheritance tax purposes.

If you have to pay for the funeral and the costs of the house and selling the house and inheritance tax, you could end up with less than they got! You shouldn't be out of pocket. Lots of funeral directors know they won't get paid for months - when my DB died we paid his funeral the next day and had profuse thanks for doing so, but that's because he had no money and we knew we had to pay up.

What you have done is done but I hope this helps others. You settle the estate (selling stuff, paying for the funeral, get probate, pay inheritance tax) FIRST and then dish out the cash.

It may feel wrong not to give people and charities money if someone said they wanted to give them money, but in law it's the will that matters and nothing else.