To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

[Thecrystalkoala]

Hi guys

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this?

Ex husband has our child every other w/e.

She is 10 but about a year ago started changing downstairs so I asked him to leave her to herself to wash her body etc when it’s bath time (of course keeping an ear out and asking if she’s ok). He said ok and that was that.

I’ve recently been teaching my daughter how to wash her own hair. It’s VERY THICK and she doesn’t do a good job so keep re washing it. I asked her if I could go in earlier and wash it for her as we were a bit strapped for time. She covered herself (her choice) while I quickly washed her hair.

I don’t know what prompted me but I asked her if her father still washes her in the bath to which she said yes. When I asked if he washes her bits she said yes.

Im a bit weirded out by this because 1/ I asked him to give her privacy and 2/ She’s developing downstairs and upstairs and I just think it’s not appropriate to be honest.

He is the definition of a narcissist and often ignores my advice (to her detriment in the past) he’s even told me previously that I should look after her more by washing her in the bath and doing her hair. I think encouraging independence is a good thing personally.

Anyway, I digress. AIBU?

Thanks

Does DD absolutely need to have a bath while she is at his for a weekend? Can she have a quick shower before she leaves you and then one when she returns?

It certainly sounds odd but I don't have any advice on how to approach this. Does DD understand good/bad touching, pants rule or whatever works for knowing if it's abusive?

You are not being unreasonable and need to have a firm word with him about her privacy as she develops.

You may want to edit to clarify the language you use as it wasn’t until the end of your post that I understood what you meant by ‘changing downstairs’ - I thought you meant a location in the house. ‘Approaching puberty’ or ‘developing’ might be better?

I think a yen year old should certainly be washing her own bits. That's not something I've helped with since they were toddlers to be honest. I think it's fairly normal for kids to be washing themselves by 10. But also to want some privacy. My youngest is 11 and while not bothered about privacy particularly, I do try and leave her to it. She sometimes as for help if her hair is really tangled.

How does your daughter feel about it?

I also thought you meant changing downstairs in the house!!

My 10 year old has been washing herself for years.
Why is he actually doing it?
Does she just not want to be independent or something else?
I'd say to her she needs to do it herself now and it's time to do it herself at her dad's as well because she's getting older.

Thank you. Sorry it wasn’t clear. I should’ve re read my post back. But I did tell him specifically what I meant and he knew very well as I was very literally and specific. He has no excuse to have misinterpreted what I said. :-/

This post makes me feel icky, a toddler or even a 5 year old sure. But a 10 year old girl who is going through puberty - absolutely not. Why is he still doing it?

It needs to be stopped because what is he going to still be washing her at 13, 15?

She really should be able to wash herself at age 10. Your ex is massively unreasonable, he needs to respect her privacy.

If she’s covering herself up when you went to wash her hair for her then I’d assume she’s not going to be comfortable with her dad washing her bits, I would have a serious talk with him and ask how your daughter feels about it

Oh yes, I’m sure he would have understood exactly that you meant - I just meant for my understanding on this thread.

I hope you can make your ex listen, otherwise it may put her off going altogether.

This is not appropriate at all. Even my 5 year old washes herself (under supervision) I wouldn't even be in the bathroom by 10. You need to talk to him about how inappropriate it is.

My 4 yo washes herself in the bath - with me supervising, but she can do it. At 10 I’d expect most kids to be having baths & showers completely independently and definitely washing themselves independently. Really don’t think it’s appropriate that her dad is washing her esp her bits. I’d teach her how to wash herself completely independently and ask your ex to give her some privacy. If he doesn’t then I’d try and get it court ordered. I remember being around that age and feeling really uncomfortable and hating it when my parents came in the bathroom when I was in the bath. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I’d feel if my dad started trying to wash me. If you say she covers herself when you came in to wash her hair imagine how uncomfortable she must feel with her dad washing her bits. I’d put a stop to this asap

Sorry i know I’ve already commented but just adding, as an adult now looking back I’d be very embarrassed and feel uncomfortable that my dad was washing my private area at 10 years old, she’s going to secondary school soon right? In September?

What on earth?!! At 10 I do not think that appropriate at all.

I would have a conversation with her separately to explain she needs to do this herself and about touching/pants etc.
You need to speak to him individually to ensure he understands.

I would also make a passing comments to them both when together so they are both clear on your expectations and your DD can say 'muk said' if she needs to.

Why on earth would he be actually washing her rather than just observing gone toddler hood or hair washed. There I no need for any parent to be actually washing their child’s privates bar disability after toddler hood frankly.

No I don’t think it’s appropriate. DS9 has washed his own undercarriage since he was 6ish. He averts his eyes if he sees me in the shower now so there’s definitely an awareness of private areas and privacy.

My children have been washing independently from 6, I taught them how and sometimes do have to supervise hair washing (as DC2 who is 8 as they are a shampoo dodger) but wouldn't dream of washing them. I would be livid (at 8 and nearly 10) if dad was washing their private areas.

It is so inappropriate. Is your DD uncomfortable about it? I think I would be helping her understand boundaries and privacy and how to say no to her dad.

This is VERY inappropriate OP, but have you actually asked your DD if she is happy for her Dad to see her naked now, and how she feels about him washing her.

What the fuck, not one of my child required me to wash them at ten years old and even when they were needing assistance in the bath still I taught them as soon as they were old enough to wash their own intimate areas. This makes me feel sick.

I've just read this post to my DH, and he is absolutely HORRIFIED and said there's no way he would be doing that with a 10 year old daughter!!! So that's it from a man's point of view OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable. As I said in my earlier post, I would like to know how your daughter actually feels about this, and whether she's told him she doesn't like him doing it, etc. If this is the case, I wouldn't be sending her there ever again. Has he ever behaved inappropriately toward her before that you're aware of?

It's absolutely inappropriate for an adult to intimately wash a 10 year old if there is no impairment or disability. I would be extremely concerned that your ex has been doing this after you specifically let him know it was time to stop. Please call the NSPCC helpline for advice. Do not attempt to deal with this yourself.

when you say wash her bits, does this mean with his hand or a puff/flannel/sponge? My dd is 9 and I still wash her hair at her request while she uses a puff ball to wash her body. I see no reason for an adult to assist with that but if he’s just using shower gel in his hand that’s very wrong.

Yeah. No - I doubt any normal dad or mum washes their 10 year olds private parts and I’m fairly sure any normal dad or mum would know this.

This has made me feel uncomfortable! Unless she has additional needs I can't see why her dad would be washing her bits or even entering the bathroom. My children were independent with showering by that point. Prior to them being independent I would hand them a flannel to wash thier own bits, I can't remeber the age that started but it was pretty young, possibly around 3 or 4. I also remember being 10 and I would have been very uncomfortable for an adult to be washing me. I'm not sure I'd want to send her back there, I'd be worried she is being sexually abused and doesn't even realise as she has always been washed by him.