To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

[Thecrystalkoala]

Hi guys

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this?

Ex husband has our child every other w/e.

She is 10 but about a year ago started changing downstairs so I asked him to leave her to herself to wash her body etc when it’s bath time (of course keeping an ear out and asking if she’s ok). He said ok and that was that.

I’ve recently been teaching my daughter how to wash her own hair. It’s VERY THICK and she doesn’t do a good job so keep re washing it. I asked her if I could go in earlier and wash it for her as we were a bit strapped for time. She covered herself (her choice) while I quickly washed her hair.

I don’t know what prompted me but I asked her if her father still washes her in the bath to which she said yes. When I asked if he washes her bits she said yes.

Im a bit weirded out by this because 1/ I asked him to give her privacy and 2/ She’s developing downstairs and upstairs and I just think it’s not appropriate to be honest.

He is the definition of a narcissist and often ignores my advice (to her detriment in the past) he’s even told me previously that I should look after her more by washing her in the bath and doing her hair. I think encouraging independence is a good thing personally.

Anyway, I digress. AIBU?

Thanks

Definitely unnecessary. Can she lock the bathroom door and avoid needing hair washes when at his?

This really is ringing alarm bells. There is a chance that you confronting him could lead to abuse being covered up. I think I would just call the police. These things need to be handled very carefully, if she is being abused and there is any "putting words in her mouth" which can include asking directly without her freely disclosing, it may not stand as evidence. The police will know the right way to go about things.

My DD just turned 11 and I personally would have an issue with this. Like yours her body is changing and I will wash her hair for her as she can't seem to rinse it out properly she will do the rest independently. Quite unsettling at that age to have her dad wash her bits.

my dds needed help with their hair until they were 11/12- mainly with detangling as they have very thick curls, and both had quite long hair when younger. From about the age of 8 they would wear a swimsuit in the bath / shower while I sorted their hair, then remove it once their hair was combed through with conditioner and I had left the bathroom so that they could wash themselves. At their dads they only showered without washing hair which they could do themselves from a fairly young age, they didn’t need his assistance. As others have said, your ex needs to respect your daughter’s privacy, and she is more than old enough to wash herself.

So what are you planning to do OP?

This is very uncomfortable reading and I’m not sure I’d be leaving my daughter stay overnight again.

A grown man washing a 10y Old's genitals?

Hell. Fucking. No.

I needed to wash DD10's hair a week ago and she wouldn't allow me (fair) in the bathroom. She had a shower, got dressed and then I washed her hair over the bath.

He's out of order and it's fucking weird. He has zero respect for her privacy or what you've told him.

Stop using words like 'upstairs' and 'downstairs' though, it's confusing.

This is really fucking weird behaviour from him, the fact that she covers herself when you help to wash her hair is concerning to me on that she doesn't feel comfortable enough to tell her dad she doesn't want him to wash her and doesn't cover up when he sees her

I think the use of oblique language here is confusing on the thread and if this is the terminology you use with your daughter, it may be confusing for her as well. I think* you are saying that your ex is "helping" your ,10 year old daughter wash her genitals and vagina while she is staying at his house. Is that correct? If I put it like that, is it very clear that this sounds very wrong for a 10 year old and her dad?

Like several other people I thought you meant she was getting changed in and out of her clothes "Downstairs" in the house. Teach her the actual words for these parts of her body and that these are private for her. Whether you or he help wash or condition her hair is a different question and I wouldn't conflate the two, although id expect an average 10 year old to mostly manage that too, maybe with some help if they've long hair.

The whole thing is odd - you using terminology such as upstairs/downstairs/bits. You need to have a chat with your DD so she has the correct words for all body parts and talk about boundaries, privacy and saying no.

Your DH is way out of order washing your DD. My children washed themselves from years younger than 10.

Why doesn’t your DD have a shower and wash her own body and hair, regardless of where she is?? Encourage her to lock the bathroom door when she’s with her Dad. Explain to your DH that your DD will wash her own body going forward and there is no need to supervise her showers any more and to stay out of the bathroom while she’s in it. If he continues, you will have to ensure visited are supervised/stopped.

Watch nspcc PANTS
Tell her and use the right vocabulary
Talk to her that anything usually covered by her underwear is private and she can wash herself there
Do not talk in riddles of upstairs downstairs

This is great advice, but before making any changes (which are definitely needed) @Mamamover should take advice from the NSPCC about what to do next. She should be very wary of addressing anything with DD as this might make her DD think that she's done something wrong or that she needs to lie to protect her dad.

Thank you for replies. I’m just going through them now. I’ve noticed a lot of people commented about the use of proper terminology for anatomy. She does actually know the body parts and I have taught all
my children the proper terms for their genitalia. I have literally just used the term downstairs and upstairs for the purpose of the post.

Well that was confusing for the post 😂

You do not need to explain on here but you need to be very clear on what you actually mean when you asked her and what she understands by your questions. What "washing" involves. What "bits" are. And then call nspcc for advice . You can explain to a trained adviser.

" asked her if her father still washes her in the bath to which she said yes. When I asked if he washes her bits she said yes."

So i’ve just gone into her bedroom as I couldn’t rest wondering!!

I let her talk and explain things to me keeping it casual. She said that I don’t understand properly and what she means is that he doesn’t touch her genital region directly but he uses the shower to rinse the area and her bottom.

I mean, it’s still weird but…..?

Yup. Still completely unnecessary.

Yes. He shouldn’t be doing this. The fact that he’s choosing to is really off.

Really unsure what to
do for the best. Does this new explanation from my daughter change things? I’m still very very uncomfortable with it and annoyed but not surprised that he hasn’t listened to me asking him to give her privacy (a message I sent over a year ago upon checking!

It is not your responsibility @Mamamover to work out whether his behaviour towards your DD is inappropriate or abusive. It IS your responsibility to listen to what DD is telling you and and seek appropriate professional advice to determine what needs to happen next.

You are an adult and you need to use proper names for body parts! You need to ensure your daughter understands and uses these too. There is no way of understanding what is happening otherwise.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you being “unsure” what to do is almost as worrying as your ex’s behaviour.

You’ve been given very clear, good advice on this thread. Don’t sit back and let this continue.

It’s not appropriate.

I mean I don’t know whether to just confront him or call the helpline. Given the type of personality trait he has, I don’t think it’s going to be of benefit anyway. At least with NSPCC it’s documented I would expect.

I have said in previous posts that I use the correct anatomical words. However, for the purpose of the post I did not use them!

I would contact the helpline, if he's in any way like my ex he'll try to gaslight you and make out that you're awful for implying he's doing anything nefarious.

I have a 10yo son and a 15yo daughter.
i am not even in the room when my son bathes and haven’t been in some time.
it’s been years and years since I washed him - he was probably younger than 5.
This is really uncomfortable. As has been suggested, you need to seek advice about how to handle this.