To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

[Thecrystalkoala]

Hi guys

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this?

Ex husband has our child every other w/e.

She is 10 but about a year ago started changing downstairs so I asked him to leave her to herself to wash her body etc when it’s bath time (of course keeping an ear out and asking if she’s ok). He said ok and that was that.

I’ve recently been teaching my daughter how to wash her own hair. It’s VERY THICK and she doesn’t do a good job so keep re washing it. I asked her if I could go in earlier and wash it for her as we were a bit strapped for time. She covered herself (her choice) while I quickly washed her hair.

I don’t know what prompted me but I asked her if her father still washes her in the bath to which she said yes. When I asked if he washes her bits she said yes.

Im a bit weirded out by this because 1/ I asked him to give her privacy and 2/ She’s developing downstairs and upstairs and I just think it’s not appropriate to be honest.

He is the definition of a narcissist and often ignores my advice (to her detriment in the past) he’s even told me previously that I should look after her more by washing her in the bath and doing her hair. I think encouraging independence is a good thing personally.

Anyway, I digress. AIBU?

Thanks

How does DD feel about it?

OP please ring the NSPCC for advice.

This behavior is, at best, very odd. Unless your daughter has special needs then there is no need for her father to be doing this. It’s also worrying that your daughter isn’t able to tell him no. I have a niece this age and she would be horrified!

Also maybe get some advice on language and talking to both your daughter and other adult about these things. I haven’t hear the vulva referee to as downstairs outside of period dramas or books written before the 1960s. You can’t let your daughter see how squeamish and embarrassed you are about body parts.

When I asked her how she feels she said it feels a bit weird and then covers her face embarrassed. She said she wants to tell her Dad but is embarrassed.

Thank you for your advice.
Im not squeamish. We use correct terminology for our anatomy. I said previously that it was just for the purpose of the post.

Worried about a child?
You can contact the NSPCC Helpline by tel: 0808 800 5000 calling 0808 800 5000, emailing [email protected] or completing our report abuse online form.
Our voice Helpline is currently available 10am–4pm Monday to Friday. You can still email [email protected] or complete our report abuse online form at any time for free. You don’t have to say who you are.
If you think a child is in immediate danger, please tel:999 call the police on 999 straight away.
Find out more

I'm shocked.

I was brought up in a flat which only had a Belfast sink - no bath (other than the one in front of the living room fireplace).

While I was still small enough to fit, I was bathed in the sink. I recall that my mother would tell me to wash my 'waterworks' myself.

I am astonished that the OP's ex is washing his 10 yr old daughter's private parts.

No way would my father ever have done this with me at that age.

Get some advice from NSPCC.
Your DD locks bathroom door and tells him she is fine to wash and rinse.
No hair washing at his and no need for him to be in the bathroom.

If you think talking to him about this again or your DD saying something will make it worse and he stops her from locking the door and insists on coming into the bathroom then you stop contact and seek legal advice on protecting her.

This is wholly inappropriate.

The last time my ex was in the bathroom with our daughter she was about 6. Since then and unless she becomes incapacitated, he doesn't think it's necessary for him to help her.

Please take the advice given.

My goodness this is insane - at 10 with this girl going through puberty its abuse whether your ex wants to accept that or not.

What do you think has motivation behind it is?

what do you mean? x

OP you can’t let this carry on. After reading her reaction to how it makes her feel she’s clearly super uncomfortable and may struggle with feelings of shame and wonder if it was some form of abuse when she’s older. It could negatively affect her MH. It shouldn’t be on her to get him to stop doing it, she’s just a kid and it’s very hard to speak up about things you find embarrassing at that age. It also sounds like he’s unlikely to listen to you. However I would try, tell him exactly what she told you, that she’s very uncomfortable and embarrassed and make it clear he must never do it again. If he’s in any way resistant to this or you suspect he’s not going to change after you’ve told him she’s uncomfortable with it then report him to the NSPCC or social services. Check with your DD also after the next time she stays at his. If she says he’s done it again then go to the police and don’t let your DD go there again until the relevant services have dealt with it and decided on how to move forward eg. Supervised visits etc. Don’t tell him you’re reporting him otherwise he could try to manipulate DD into covering for him. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it to your DD either, just say you’ll have a word with him and not to worry, she’ll be having baths by herself from now on.

I've got boys as a single mum so it's the equivalent. I haven't been in the bathroom with my 11 year old for several years. The 8 year old I occasionally help with hair washing as he has to use medicated shampoo monthly, which he hates touching. He does it all himself otherwise, and I pop is as briefly as possible (even though he's not in any way body conscious yet).

I've not actively washed them otherwise since maybe age 4ish.

I'd suggest doing a bit more digging. Does he ever watch her get changed for example?

@Mamamover multiple posters have said you should speak to your ex about your concerns and/or do some digging with your daughter. PLEASE DO NOT DO EITHER OF THESE THINGS. My work includes Safeguarding. These are the worst things you can do. You don't have to take my word for this. Ask NSPCC for advice about whether these are good steps. I'm sure people have good intentions but the advice is dangerous and harmful.

If he is a narcissist like my ex he'll make you feel like your saying the wrong thing anyway because they never think of anything else but themselves. You know it's weird your gut tells you that! Hope you can sort it out x

Well i’d just speak to him about it. Tell him DD is embarrassed to speak to him about it, but she needs to shower alone now. It is difficult when they have long thick hair and need help, but maybe she washes it at yours only.

That’s seriously disturbing and SS would take a dim view. I’d go so far to say as this may be sexual abuse.

I would also ring NSPCC for advice.

Why are you giving this advice after a safeguarding expert has said this is dangerous?

do you have any knowledge of safeguarding - do you work on this field?

Well, she's 10, she's not a small child that needs help to wash. She's long past that. You told him a while ago she was developing & needed privacy not 'help'. He's tried to say you aren't washing her/ helping her (creating cover for himself)

DD is embarassed telling you, but won't tell him not to.

So how are you excusing his behaviour??

you need to tell NSPCC or SS, this morning.

Do not questions your daughter further because it makes any disclosure invalid.

soeak to the NSPCC and mention concerns to school. Raise it with authorities

I would talk to ex and tell him that your daughter is to old for him to see her naked. She's embarrassed and afraid to tell him but she does not want her dad to see her naked and he needs to respect that.
Then tell your daughter you have told her dad and she is to be left alone in the shower.

Autumn, you know I didn’t even connect the dots with him saying that I should be bathing her. Have called NSPCC but not open until 10am now.

Gosh I feel sick I feel so worried and overwhelmed and if this is all innocent my daughter is going to hate me forever. I only have her best interests at heart and have to go with my gut.

He is going to make my life hell over this.

You need to have a conversation with him. Tell him you’ve been speaking to your daughter about her changing body, periods, privacy etc and she’s said she feels embarrassed about him seeing her naked. Say with her approaching secondary school age you presume he’s already considered the appropriateness of assisting her with bathing/washing anyway so you told your daughter you’d let him know she’d like to wash alone. Then when she’s back from his next time check with her what happened. If he’s continuing to do it despite you being explicit his daughter doesn’t like it then ring your local mash team for advice.