To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

[Thecrystalkoala]

Hi guys

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this?

Ex husband has our child every other w/e.

She is 10 but about a year ago started changing downstairs so I asked him to leave her to herself to wash her body etc when it’s bath time (of course keeping an ear out and asking if she’s ok). He said ok and that was that.

I’ve recently been teaching my daughter how to wash her own hair. It’s VERY THICK and she doesn’t do a good job so keep re washing it. I asked her if I could go in earlier and wash it for her as we were a bit strapped for time. She covered herself (her choice) while I quickly washed her hair.

I don’t know what prompted me but I asked her if her father still washes her in the bath to which she said yes. When I asked if he washes her bits she said yes.

Im a bit weirded out by this because 1/ I asked him to give her privacy and 2/ She’s developing downstairs and upstairs and I just think it’s not appropriate to be honest.

He is the definition of a narcissist and often ignores my advice (to her detriment in the past) he’s even told me previously that I should look after her more by washing her in the bath and doing her hair. I think encouraging independence is a good thing personally.

Anyway, I digress. AIBU?

Thanks

Ensure she knows what is all your doing? He's just trying to intimidate you but with meaningless phrases.

You tell DD that you've told daddy he doesn't need to to help her in the bath anymore and if she would rather wait til she is back home from a weekend then that's ok.

Sorry he’s such an abusive twat OP. Have you heard of Our Family Wizard? It’s a messaging app for co-parents who struggle with communication. It monitors tone and detects abusive language and crucially is taken much more seriously in court than WhatsApp. So you can document abusive texts should you need to use them as evidence. It’s £100 one off but it’s worth it. Reading this I sound like an ad for it! I’m not I promise, but I found out recently if you end up in court the other party can easily claim WhatsApp messages are fake but with this you can’t

This whole thread made me nauseous. I was having periods at ten!

Well what a pathetic response from the NSPCC! I'm sorry OP, you must have felt very let down by them. However, did they offer any further advice as to what you should do if he refuses to co-operate?

Next time your DD goes to her Dads, I would sit her down and say that at her age, her Dad shouldn't need to be in the bathroom with her at all, unless she's taken ill. So she should feel free to say 'Dad don't come in, I'll call if I need help', the moment she hears his hand on the door handle, and then if he refuses to do so, or tells her she's being silly or anything similar, then she must tell you as soon as she gets home.

Please do come back to let us know how this progresses OP, as naturally we're all concerned for your DD, and for you too.

Further to my last post OP, as a matter of interest, was the person you spoke to at the NSPCC, male or female, as I find it extremely worrying that they seemed so disinterested, and wonder whether a man might be less concerned about this sort of thing that a woman.

Well done for having the conversation with him after what the NSPCC said - that must have been really hard.

You definitely, definitely need to have a conversation with your daughter to try and empower her to stand up to her father and tell him very clearly that she doesn't want him in the bathroom with her, at all, when she's bathing/showering/using the loo. You're obviously scared of him (understandably, as he was abusive to you) so don't let your daughter grow up feeling the same way. She needs to build her assertiveness around him.

She needs to tell him that she wants privacy to bathe/shower/change and she MUST understand that if he refuses and continues to insist, she must absolutely tell you straight away.

The fact that he has continued to insist on bathing her even now that her body has changed and for a whole year after this was first raised is honestly really fucking creepy and I don't know any normal man who would make 'I want to keep washing my pubescent daughter's genitals' their hill to die on. Most men would WANT to back off as soon as their daughter's body started changing, even if the child wasn't bothered, it's bloody weird and creepy that he doesn't.

I agree it was a poor response from NSPCC and not really in keeping with other experiences I'm aware of.