DP not telling me when he’s home

[FancyMauveDreamer]

DP told me he’d be home by 11pm. He arrived at about 3:30am. I got upset he didn’t let me know he’d be late. He says he got carried away meeting an old friend and by the time he realised the time, he thought I would’ve been asleep and didn’t want to wake me by calling/texting. He also apologised.

Context: we don’t live together but he stays with me as much as work allows, sometimes for weeks a time, sometimes just a couple of days. Last night was the first time I was seeing him in a week. He has a key to my home.

We’ve been together over a year and he’s generally a great partner and amazing with my DC and parents. But this is a recurring issue where he’ll neglect to tell me when he’s coming home.

I’ve told him before I can’t cope with this uncertainty (I’m autistic) and feel anxious and on edge when I don’t know when to expect him home. Every time this happens and we talk about it, he says it’s not a big deal. Then I explain how it affects me and he says he’ll do better next time. Then it happens again. Not every time, but occasionally.

There have been a couple of times when I’ve called/texted him and he didn’t answer, which made me feel worse. So last night I was too scared to call in case he didn’t answer.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something minor but can’t help it if I feel upset.

How do you guys feel when your partner doesn’t let you know when they’re coming home?

Sorry I’ve probably missed it, was he coming home to your house or his own?

How often does this happen? If it’s infrequent I wouldn’t want to be tied down to having to be back by a certain time - as long as there are no trust issues you need to find a way to handle this.

I wouldn't have said I was coming home at a specific time in the first place. If for whatever reason I had, I'd follow his logic - I wouldn't message after 11pm because I'd assume DP had gone to bed (if I was at home I'd have gone to bed and not wanted to be disturbed). But then I think it's normal, when you go out, not to be on a deadline; I couldn't cope being in a relationship with someone who needed set times for my comings and goings.

I'd say that from now on if he's going out for the evening, he should stay at his own place. That will remove the uncertainty.

I don't expect DH to let me know a time. He just comes home when he's ready.

He doesn’t need to tell you anything!

I wouldn't expect my DP to give me time, same as I wouldn't give him a time

Why does he need to tell you what time he’ll be home/contact you when he gets home/inform you if he’s going to be late if it’s his house he’s going back to & you’re not even there?

There's a big difference between 11.p.m. and 3.30 in the morning. Where on earth was he until that time? Do you know the " old friend"?

Yes I would be upset. If he said 11.p.m and his plans changed during the night then any one with common consideration would let you know he was going to be much later than planned. It would only take a very short time.

It doesn't sound as though he cares very much about upsetting you when it would be easy to set your mind at rest.

You sound very suffocating. I'd run if I was him

To my house.

I’m not bothered about what time he comes home - he’s an adult with a social life - but I just want to know when he’s going to be home.

I would never give dh a time I expected I would be home if going out for drinks/dinner with people and he doesn’t need to tell me a time either.
Plans change!

Why? Like you say, he’s an adult with a social life. Not your child or possession. What if he doesn’t want to decide in advance what time his night is done?

He just said it’s a friend he hadn’t seen in a long time. He didn’t say who.

If it was me or dh , once it got passed 11 we’d just drop a text.
’ im safe, night run on, be later - ‘
but I’d say if he’s out without you he goes to his house.
orherwise he feels like a booty call.
but then I’m a all or nothing.

If he has to give you a specific time then I would suggest he doesn’t come back to yours after a night out, that way he doesn’t need to worry about your need to know

When I go out I don’t give my husband a “arrival home time” and not does he give one to me. You sort of have an idea, but you bump into people, you get chatting, you gave a few drinks.. the hours roll by.

If you are going to live with someone, long term, you are going to have to learn to let go a bit.

Would I be unreasonable to insist on details of who he was meeting and what they were doing? I feel it would’ve been courteous of him to tell me without being asked. No trust issues.

OP, my ex used to do this a lot- say he'd be home by x time but then often turn up at y time and have his phone off/not let me know. It made me incredibly anxious.

Now my DP and I come and go as we please and I don't expect him to ever give me a time- the only 'rule' we have is if one of us isn't coming home (because we're staying at a friend's house for example) we let the other know. Ironically I would now find it quite suffocating to be expected to keep him abreast of my plans as they developed!

Looking back, the reason it made me anxious with my ex is because I didn't trust him- and was right not to, as he was cheating on me. My current DP has never given me any reason not to trust, so I do.

But as you say - he's an adult - he doesn't need to check in with you or keep you updated on his whereabouts.

Yes! It’s unbelievably controlling. So you want to know what time he will be home, who he was with & what he was doing; your not married or even living together..I’d tell him to run

I suggested this before but it’s a pain for him as he lives 2 hours away.

So does he stay at yours because it's more convenient for him for a night out, not because he actually wants to see you? That would be an issue for me.

Ask him to go back to his own place after a night out?