DP not telling me when he’s home

[FancyMauveDreamer]

DP told me he’d be home by 11pm. He arrived at about 3:30am. I got upset he didn’t let me know he’d be late. He says he got carried away meeting an old friend and by the time he realised the time, he thought I would’ve been asleep and didn’t want to wake me by calling/texting. He also apologised.

Context: we don’t live together but he stays with me as much as work allows, sometimes for weeks a time, sometimes just a couple of days. Last night was the first time I was seeing him in a week. He has a key to my home.

We’ve been together over a year and he’s generally a great partner and amazing with my DC and parents. But this is a recurring issue where he’ll neglect to tell me when he’s coming home.

I’ve told him before I can’t cope with this uncertainty (I’m autistic) and feel anxious and on edge when I don’t know when to expect him home. Every time this happens and we talk about it, he says it’s not a big deal. Then I explain how it affects me and he says he’ll do better next time. Then it happens again. Not every time, but occasionally.

There have been a couple of times when I’ve called/texted him and he didn’t answer, which made me feel worse. So last night I was too scared to call in case he didn’t answer.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something minor but can’t help it if I feel upset.

How do you guys feel when your partner doesn’t let you know when they’re coming home?

I had similar issues to you at the start of my relationship. I also have anxiety and suspected autism (suspected by my therapist but not diagnosed by a specialist). I was insecure at the start of my relationship. I told my partner things I needed to feel secure and he adjusted to help me. I also struggle with uncertainty and he’s happy to update me with a simple text message, he’s in the habit now of doing that. Funnily enough I don’t really need it any more as I’m now secure with him and I don’t get anxious anymore. We were able to build safety in our relationship.

Posters who are telling you that you’re being awful and they don’t need this from their partner are not giving helpful advice to you, as they are very different, their needs are different so you can’t really compare. No need beating yourself up, you and your bf should be able to work together on this.

You shouldn’t need to insist on him telling you who he’s going out with and what he’s doing, that should be part of normal friendly conversation. I think he’s being disrespectful towards you.

This.

If you don't actually live together I would say he's your boyfriend, not your partner. This isn't splitting hairs, I think there's a difference in expectations.
If he's visiting you, then I'd expect him to turn up at a reasonable time, eg 7:30 so that you spend the evening together.
If he's turning up at 11, then either you're a hotel or a bootycall. Turning up at 3 just magnifies this.
If on the other hand, he does live with you except when he's away working, eg in the forces or on a an oil rig or something, then I'd say you were being unreasonable. If he wants to go out with his friends, there's no real reason why he needs to say what time he's going to be home unless his arrangements affect you somehow, eg childcare.
The problem is you seem to have a hybrid sort of set-up. Him having a key is muddying the waters and maybe you need to clarify exactly what your expectations ( and his) are. You are calling it "home" but is it his home?

Because someone has above had quoted “old friend” which was clearly stirring the pot

people are allowed to go out on nights out with actual friends it doesn’t mean he’s shagging someone else!

so he's driven back to spend time with you i imagine? as its not exactly convenient and he drove 2 hours at 1am in the morning to spend time with you.

you shouldn't feel a mug because he hasn't given you a specific return time.

but clearly you can't manage the uncertainty and he might need to separate parts of his life bit more.

In your situation as you don’t live together I think he is just used to being able to go with the flow when he wants to.

I did have a similar conversation with my DH explaining I have no issue with him being out until the early hours but if he has said he would be back earlier and isn’t back until hours later with no communication, I do get anxious because as a woman, I am more aware of the dangers that could have happened. Just let me know so I know you’re not lying in a ditch or whatever. Because to me being attacked is an everyday concern but for him it just wasn’t on his radar.

But it does sound like trust issues if you need this info. I couldn't be with someone who needed to know where I was every second of the day and needed to know when I'd be home.

I'd be happy to say something like 'I'll be late so I won't need any dinner' but that's about it. I'm my own person.

this. everyone has started at bad faith when he's clearly just gone straight to hers so they get the whole day rather than driving over in the morning after faffing about before he leaves the house and not getting there till gone midday.

i think it reflects effort. mosts adults wouldn't be texting gone 12 unless it was an emergency especially if they haven't been contacted.

be calm OP don't let strangers on the internet rile you up into tizzy and blow up your relationship when something can be solved with a few conversations and a chance of tactics

@FancyMauveDreamer I originally took from this that your house was the more convenient place for him to sleep, but then you say

He met his friend at his city, then drove 2 hours to mine. He’s due to stay here until Saturday then go back to his

So in fact would going back to his own house actually have been the more convenient option for him last night?

Deeply unreasonable.

Bwahahahaha as if he thought this was ok?! You've only been together a year and he feels comfortable enough to waltz in four hours late, having driven for 2 hours without bothering to tell you anything or update you along the way? Knowing that you've mentioned before that you like to know where you are with plans?

This man does not respect you. I don't even believe that he finished up with his mate at 1.30am, thought, oops look at the time, and jumped in the car ready to drive for two hours. But whatever, who am I to judge, my point stands. He doesn't respect you.

Agree with this entirely. Listen to your gut. Not normal to not share who he’s meeting up with.

Totally unreasonable.

It’s not normal to insist he tells you who he’s with & what they were doing. Anxiety my arse, jealousy & possessiveness

If he was driving 2 hours to you after meeting a friend and was expecting to be there by 11 then he'd be leaving at 9 which is a more than reasonable time to message or call and say that he would be late. Even at 10 or 10:30....is he saying he absolutely did not even know what time it was until 1am?!

Also - I agree with the pp who asked why he is already staying over so often already and for such long periods of time when you have DC. Not even in a safeguarding context, just a general context of if something happens to the relationship in the early stages then it affects the DC as well to have gotten used to this other person basically living in their home and then suddenly not if you break up.

Yes. That’s a trust issue. You could casually ask , you can’t insist.

Yes I agree.
OP's update actually paints a totally different scenario than the one she presented earlier.

He's not going to change because it's not a bit deal to him. He's not listening/hearing/understanding when you tell him that it is a big deal to you.

The same issue is likely to come up in other areas as time goes on. You are autistic and he doesn't seem to have any real understanding of what that means.

I agree with this.

They are not housemates with no interest in each others’ lives. They are in a relationship. They are supposed to care about each other.

How hard is it to text I’ll be back later than planned, don’t wait up and don’t worry?

How hard is it to say, it’s been great to see you old friend who I haven’t seen for ages, but I’m staying at my partner’s tonight and I want to get back now? Let’s meet up again soon and stay out all night if we feel like it?

If you are not chatting with your partner about day to day stuff like who you were out with, even if not in detail, what are you talking to each other about? If you have no interest in each other then what is the point?

Yes but this is a man who lives elsewhere who is coming into her house at random times.

Gaslighting. No one should ever need to insist because like I said, in normal relationships that information gets divulged naturally. Unless they’re trying to cultivate jealousy and insecurity..

It’s not gaslighting, just because you’ve heard that word doesn’t mean it applies here fgs. My DH goes out with his mates but doesn’t specifically tell me who, what exactly he plans to do or exactly when he’ll be home & vice versa because frankly neither if us care about the details & once he’s home the conversation is pretty much “good night” “yes thanks” so that is normal for us

That’s not what gaslighting means.

That’s you, in your marriage and I imagine there’s a lot more about your relationship that makes you feel secure. I don’t actually find that normal..

And it’s totally gaslighting someone to make them think there’s something wrong with them for having a completely healthy reaction.