DP not telling me when he’s home

[FancyMauveDreamer]

DP told me he’d be home by 11pm. He arrived at about 3:30am. I got upset he didn’t let me know he’d be late. He says he got carried away meeting an old friend and by the time he realised the time, he thought I would’ve been asleep and didn’t want to wake me by calling/texting. He also apologised.

Context: we don’t live together but he stays with me as much as work allows, sometimes for weeks a time, sometimes just a couple of days. Last night was the first time I was seeing him in a week. He has a key to my home.

We’ve been together over a year and he’s generally a great partner and amazing with my DC and parents. But this is a recurring issue where he’ll neglect to tell me when he’s coming home.

I’ve told him before I can’t cope with this uncertainty (I’m autistic) and feel anxious and on edge when I don’t know when to expect him home. Every time this happens and we talk about it, he says it’s not a big deal. Then I explain how it affects me and he says he’ll do better next time. Then it happens again. Not every time, but occasionally.

There have been a couple of times when I’ve called/texted him and he didn’t answer, which made me feel worse. So last night I was too scared to call in case he didn’t answer.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something minor but can’t help it if I feel upset.

How do you guys feel when your partner doesn’t let you know when they’re coming home?

Ask - fine

Insist - absolutely not. You are his partner not his owner

On your original point, when either of us goes out with friends without the other it is basically see you when I see you. I don’t insist on texts or put a curfew on as my partner is an adult. He does the same for me

Oh and I am autistic too and still feel this way

Unreasonably to insist , but in a healthy relationship you talk to each other
‘oh I’m at darts Saturday, I’ll see you sunday’
or ‘had a lovely time either the lads on Thursday - Billy’s stag do’

but if you need every single detail this sounds like a trust issue.
that’s why I married a man whose hobby wasn’t ’the pub’

Yeah, don't demand he tells you where he is and who he's with, that's something a parent does.
What's the point of him coming to your house in the middle of the night? Seems like he's using you for free accommodation, tell him to book himself a hotel.
It can't be nice for your kids to have some man letting himself into their home at 3am.

Sorry just seen your update, he can get a hotel then

I think it’s rude to stay at your place and come back so late especially as he doesn’t even tell you who he is with. It’s not controlling to expect a bit of courtesy. I’m surprised at the responses you have had.

When I lived with a partner of course I gave them an idea of what time I would be back ish.

Then that’s his problem @FancyMauveDreamer not yours. If he can’t be relied on to help ease your concerns and keep you informed of when he’ll return to your house - then on those occasions he has to go to his house.

why should he be able to use your house as a doss house where he can come and go at whim knowing it upsets you?

Your reasonable boundaries are - if you stay at mine and are coming and going without me - let me know what time I can expect you back to my home (and keep me informed if plans change).

he’s taking the absolute piss rolling in at 3.30am.

But he doesn’t know so he can’t tell you. And if he makes a guess he risks being wrong. As other posters have said, in that case, it’s better if he doesn’t tell you at all. Or he could stay at his own place if he’s going out.

I would absolutely hate to be constrained in this way. How can you tell in advance whether it’s going to be a rubbish evening and you come straight home or you’ll get into a really interesting conversation and not notice the time ticking away?

If there’s no trust issues, then why are you asking?

there’s nothing worse than being out with friends and the clock hits 11 and you have to cut the night short. Maybe when he’s out, he doesn’t come back to yours. When my DH goes out, I never ask a time. It comes across as controlling.

My husband does a job that involves night shifts, could be dangerous and the night shifts could possibly overrun. (Probably not hard to work out what he does) we have an agreement that if he’s going to be significantly later than planned he’ll just drop me a quick text. That way if I wake in the night and think “s**t he should be home by now where is he?” I can just check my phone.

If he was going to his own place then he should do as he wants. But if he was coming to yours then he should let you know. He should then keep you updated if there are delays.

I find it strange that people dont let their other halfs/family members know approximately when/where they are going and will be back or if they are delayed because plans have changed. Just a quick text/call is all it takes. It's not about trust issues. Just a bit of courtesy.

This is your trigger to manage. Not his.

It's not your responsibility to manage their emotions - manipulation 101.

Reverse it - why is it his responsibility to ensure you don't get emotive in this situation? It's not, it's yours.

Work on this yourself, but working on it shouldn't mean HE HAS TO TELL YOU.

I agree with what else has been said, a quick text if things change etc. But not in depth notifications, blow by blow hour by hour and waiting up. That's you to manage

I'd rather not know what time he's coming in. Early in our relationship we had a conversation along the lines of "I don't care what time you come in but don't give me a time because if you're late then I'll worry. If you say you'll be home by 3am (which would be fine), and you're not in by 3.05 I'm calling the police."

I think you need to loosen up OP 🙂

But why? I really wouldn’t like being forced to tell my DP a time. And it would annoy me to think of him trying to kill the vibe of an evening out because he’s at home fretting. I’d say to him “expect me when you see me. Don’t wait up.”

Christ - no, you absolutely cannot do this.

I would have thought OP that unless he is a very secretive person, or a person who likes to compartmentalise their lives, then you shouldn't need to ask for details. In my life if someone close to me is going out for the night, especially with an " old friend" they haven't seen for a while then the plans for the night would come up in casual conversation beforehand because they would be looking forward to the night out and be excited to talk about it.
If my partner was deliberately secretive about his planned evening I would wonder why because it's normal to talk about these things.

If you are talking about " insisting" does that mean he usually is reluctant to give you any idea of who he is meeting or where he is going?

And the fact he wants to come to your home because it's more convenient for him does sound as though he is using you. If you are doing him a favour by letting him stay rather than him travelling to his own home then all the more reason for him to do you the courtesy of updating you on when he is likely to be home.

Its usually possible to unlearn anxiety making habits. Please see your GP, explain the problem you are having and ask for therapy. Anxiety doesn't just affect you, it affects the people who are close to you.

I would hate to be on a night out and be expected to check my watch frequently to make sure I don't go over my timescale.

Reverse the genders here and you’d have the whole of mumsnet up in arms!
This is controlling. Your partner can go and see who he wants and come back when he wants. You’re being unreasonable.

So you’re a convenience to him, maybe?

I don’t think he’s being very respectful tbh. What you do about that is up to you but as it bothers you, I think you should consider setting some boundaries now.

Just say ‘text me no matter what time, my phone is on silent, you won’t wake me’

But he won’t, and by the way, this is not the actual problem. It’s the slow eroding of your boundaries. He will keep doing it until you get sick of asking him to text you and then he will stop entirely, and do whatever he likes.

But they don’t live together.

@HeatedBlanketAllYear he's using her for free accommodation because his own house is 2hrs away.

I feel such a mug that when I go out, I come home and tell him everything about what I’ve been up to, who I’ve seen etc. So when he came home hours late without a proper explanation, I feel hurt.

I wish I didn’t care what time he’s home and why he’s late. But I can’t help being upset. I have a lump in my throat typing this. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings in a healthy way.

Quite.

I think a lot of posters are missing this from the OP’s very first post:

’Context: we don’t live together but he stays with me as much as work allows, sometimes for weeks a time, sometimes just a couple of days. Last night was the first time I was seeing him in a week. He has a key to my home.’

And just tried doing it to him and he’d be up in arms. …. Boundaries op.
He stays at his you can’t have the kids disturbed by him coming up after 9 pm