DP not telling me when he’s home

[FancyMauveDreamer]

DP told me he’d be home by 11pm. He arrived at about 3:30am. I got upset he didn’t let me know he’d be late. He says he got carried away meeting an old friend and by the time he realised the time, he thought I would’ve been asleep and didn’t want to wake me by calling/texting. He also apologised.

Context: we don’t live together but he stays with me as much as work allows, sometimes for weeks a time, sometimes just a couple of days. Last night was the first time I was seeing him in a week. He has a key to my home.

We’ve been together over a year and he’s generally a great partner and amazing with my DC and parents. But this is a recurring issue where he’ll neglect to tell me when he’s coming home.

I’ve told him before I can’t cope with this uncertainty (I’m autistic) and feel anxious and on edge when I don’t know when to expect him home. Every time this happens and we talk about it, he says it’s not a big deal. Then I explain how it affects me and he says he’ll do better next time. Then it happens again. Not every time, but occasionally.

There have been a couple of times when I’ve called/texted him and he didn’t answer, which made me feel worse. So last night I was too scared to call in case he didn’t answer.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something minor but can’t help it if I feel upset.

How do you guys feel when your partner doesn’t let you know when they’re coming home?

It’s a tricky one. I understand you feel the way you do because of your autism, but equally it can feel very restrictive being on the other side of it. My DH is autistic and feels the same way as you - he doesn’t like it if I make last minute change to plans. I find this really restrictive - I like to be able to go with the flow and see where a day or night takes me. Does it really matter if it is 11pm or 3am if you know he is out and you are asleep anyway. In your situation, I would suggest that DP goes home to his own house on a night out so you don’t know. In my situation, I say “I will be out until the early hours” to give me the flexibility.

It is normal & it isn’t gaslighting at all but if you think that then you clearly don’t understand what it means but whatever I ‘m not defining it for you so you. However you choose to reframe it it is absolutely not normal to demand all the details of someone’s night out unless you have trust issues which she clearly does

He’s taking the proverbial. If he wants the ease of staying at yours and seeing mates that live near he needs to be back at a reasonable time. I’d have no qualms about telling him that the door will be bolted at midnight as I want the house secure by then. If he’s not back he’ll need to find alternative accommodation.

It would be different if you lived together properly and the house is his as well - but you don’t and it isn’t. When DH and I used to stay at PIL for the weekend and go out and see mates we would agree a time to be back and stick to it. It would have been disrespectful to have ignored their wish to have the house locked up by, say, 12.30 and roll in at 3.

Reading the responses on this thread, it seems it's not "normal" for a DP to text if it's after midnight and they're going to be home later than expected, or for them to share details of who they're out with and where they'll be. However @FancyMauveDreamer, you have told us that these are things you need from your DP in order to feel secure in the relationship, so for you, in your relationship, this is a normal expectation, as it's something you don't feel secure in the relationship without.

It sounds like your DP is mostly on board with letting you know when they'll be home etc., you just need to make it clear that you really don't mind how late it is, a text will always be appreciated and will stop you worrying.

I would have a proper chat with your DP about all of this. Let him know how important these things are in order for you to feel safe and secure in your relationship. If he is not able to do these things for/give these things to you, then maybe it's time to consider if this is the right relationship for you. We are all allowed to have "non-negotiables" which we require from our partner, and it sounds like these are yours.

If i had to give times where i am what im doing who im with what we talked about and times dates etc all the time or every time i stepped in or out the door sorry op id be running for the hills faster than the flash him self.
Sound all to clingy controlling and tbh trust issues.

But she wouldn’t feel the need to insist/ask if he was being open with her. He’s causing the issue by leaving her in the dark.

He’s taking the proverbial. If he wants the ease of staying at yours and seeing mates that live near he needs to be back at a reasonable time.

But that's not what happened. The update says he met his friend and then drove two hours to stay at the OP. Nothing convenient about that.

If I go out with friends I don't tell my DH when I'll be home and nor does he when he goes out. Neither of us would be out until 3.30am though! Kindly OP, this is your issue to manage - I don't think it's reasonable to expect your partner to give you a time he'll be home by. If this causes you to feel anxious, that's maybe something you need to explore in therapy - what are you worried about? He's a grown man, he can take care of himself, what do you think is going to happen? If you can identify your specific worries, you can address them.

If I were you @FancyMauveDreamer I would put some boundaries in place. If he's to come to yours you are entitled to tell him that he's welcome if he's there before X. If later, he needs to go to his place. That gives you some "control".
When it comes to knowing what he's been up to, maybe he finds it tedious telling you? My DH always wants to tell me and tbh I get bored and just wait until it's over. He always asks me as well and I give him a one phrase answer because I can't see how details are interesting.

Isn't it her house?

Tough

You're not a Premier Inn

I get you. I would tell him if he can’t be at yours by 11pm, to go back to his for the night. That way you can go to bed knowing he’s not going to roll in at 3am drunk as a skunk.

He drove two hours to get to her after leaving his friend. I doubt he was drunk as a skunk!

Ya never know. I don’t have any friends that can keep me going until 1am without a bit of recreational drug use.

It would annoy me, especially if he’s potentially coming in at that time and disturbing mine and my children’s sleep.

he needs to stay at his own place if he’s coming in during the early hours

Get a bolt on the door, get your key back. If he doesn't respect you enough to turn up on time, or even let you know, I would not be letting him waltz into my home where my kids were sleeping at 3 am.
He can get back in his car and drive the 2 hours home again.
OP he is at best ignoring your anxiety, at worst he's enjoying winding you up. He's not a keeper. Do you think, hand on heart, that he's hiding something?

!!! I assume he drove that way because he said he would go there after his meet up and didn’t want to deviate and distress her. Which is a NT way to look at it.

If he didn't know you, what would he do if he wanted to see these mates? He'd either stay over with one of them, book a cheap hotel or get a train home. Those are still options and he should pick one.

Thanks for your opinions all. It’s helpful to get some perspective. We had a chat about it and he said he’s human and made a mistake, and he’ll be more mindful in future (though he’s said this before when we’ve had similar conversations and here we are).

To those confused about the 2-hour drive - I hadn’t seen him in a week. The plan was for him to arrive at mine at 11pm as he was finishing work (in his city) at 9pm, and stay here for 6 days. But he got a call from his friend and met him after work, then drove straight here when they finished. He doesn’t drink.

When he stays with me for a few days/weeks, sometimes he’ll meet up with friends here (he used to live in my city years ago). And won’t always tell me when to expect him back home, which distresses me. In these circumstances, it would be a pain for him to drive home for 2 hours and drive back to mine in the morning.

OP it was incredibly rude of him not to tell you about the change of plans. The very least you should expect is a quick call or text to let you know he's going to be late. Even better would be that he would want to be sure it was ok with you that he turns up at stupid o'clock, or if you'd rather he didn't come until next morning.
Don't let him use your place as an Airbnb.
I asked before if you really trust him, because I would also be wondering about this old friend with no name that he tells you nothing about. Why didn't he tell you this pretty basic information? Either he is hiding something or likes to see you get anxious. Or he really didn't care about your feelings. Costs nothing when it gets to 11pm to send a quick "don't wait up" text.

I agree it was rude of him and I don’t believe it was unreasonable for me to expect an update from him. He said he didn’t think to update me and then later thought I’d be asleep anyway. When we talked about it, he apologised and acknowledged he should’ve let me know.

Yes, I do trust him. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me who his friend is before I asked, he said something like, “ what’s the point, you don’t know him anyway”. I think I’m upset with this because I seem to readily tell him everything but he’s not the same, he’s not really talkative and thinks details are unimportant.

Hope he shapes up for you, OP.
Maintain your standards. Don't accept this behaviour again, good luck.

I think there's a difference between not knowing what time you'll get home after a night out (fairly normal, and reasonable to just file under "don't wait up") and you expecting him at a set time after a two hour drive, and him just changing plans and not telling you.

The latter is bad, and YANBU.
However, the not being precises about what time you are getting in from a night out I think YAB a bit U. I get 'not knowing' makes you anxious, but does not knowing "it will be late, after you've gone to sleep" not help ?
I know if dh is going to be late, it makes no difference if it is midnight, 1am, 2am 3am or whenever, because I will be asleep.

So @FancyMauveDreamer - With his logic there is no point discussing friends, family, work or social things at all ever with each other as you won’t know the other folks involved (unless you meet them obviously but without them ever having been brought up in conversation prior!).

what does he like to discuss with you - the weather, films and politics?

doe she ever talk about others you haven’t met? Do you now need to hold up your hand and stop him… ‘ahh ahh, can’t discuss them - I don’t know them.’

oh he’s making me more pissed off now.

Yes, that is crackers.

You can’t tell him to tell you what time he’ll be home either, he’s a grown up.

All you can do is tell him to stay at his own house if he’s going out.

Edited to add that he is unreasonable for not telling you he was meeting a friend and would be later.